Bells Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 Lately, I have noticed that someone thinks if they don't like a certain hobby...it's a deal breaker. Motorcycle riding seems to be a biggie these days. If you're not a biker, they aren't interested. Same thing with the love of sports. Surfing, etc etc. If you're not into it...they aren't interested. Of course we all have our hobbies, and I consider myself mostly well-rounded, but lean more on hiking, paintball and kayaking..heck even video games at times. But, I put mere hobbies at the bottom of my list. Though it kinda helps....to have common interests in things....it's not important compenent for a successful relationshiop, nor should it be. Anyone agree?
Angel1111 Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 I can sort of see it being an issue if the person spends a great deal of free time on that hobby and would prefer that their partner be there with them. Or if you were with someone who hated hiking and you wanted to go on a 3-day hiking trip - I can see where that might be somewhat of a damper. I know a married couple where the man loves horses and his wife doesn't give a fig about them. So he spends a lot of time on his own and they're pretty disconnected. I doubt that the horse thing is really the issue but I can see where not liking or being involved with your partner's hobby (if it takes up a lot of their time) could be a problem. On the flipside of that, some people like their hobbies for the very reason that it gives them alone time and a place to think quietly. So I really think it depends on the person and other factors. But the bottom line is, if it bothers someone that you're not into their hobby, then it's good that they recognize that and lets potential partners know that. Some people need to factor in that just because a person isn't into a particular hobby, they might get into it. For instance, I never watch sports but it's because I only like to watch them with a bunch of people. If I were with a guy who was nuts about sports, I'd watch them with him and get more involved. I'm not so sure about motocylces though. Even though I like them, as a woman I just don't want to end up looking like a lot of the biker women I see - sun baked skin, etc. So I wouldn't get into it as much. I'm too vain!
soserious1 Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 I don't think a prospective partner needs to share every interest I have.However, that said attitude is important, if a guy prefers to sit at home in front of the tv night after night I'm willing to do that with him occasionally.Is he willing to get up and go out with me occasionally or at worst not get pissed and throw a fit because I elect to go out without him ? It's been my direct experience,particularly with older men that they get mad when you decide to go out without them. I also think if you have a hobby that is demanding of money,time and energy and you are devoted to it,that it's probably best if you find someone with the same interest.
Green Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 I think you need to stop meeting people at biker bars and sports camps... ok that was half joking... but what do you expect... and they may be using the hoby excuse as a less hurtfull way of letting you off. Don't generalize if this as only happened to you a handfull of times and just keep looking for a date.. it will work out if you work at it
rod_in_gtown Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 Well, there's something for everyone, my ex gf liked the fact that I ride motorcycles, I got her a helmet and jacket and we would go out during the nice weather and even once to the beach. However, she had an almost obsession with salsa dancing, and she was not very good either but she thought she was awesome. I'm not great at competition-style salsa dancing but I did grow up in Cali, Colombia. a city where everyone lives and breathes salsa, it's like a rite of passage to go to juanchito and dance all night with friends. though it's mostly a social thing as opposed to a show-off/competition thing. So when we went out she would constantly "correct" me as to how I should be dancing and constantly get frustrated because we didn't look like other people in the dance floor (she was not a very nice gf anyway). But she did make me start hating salsa and going out with her for this purpose. to the point that I wouldn't go with her to her salsa nights (usually mondays and wednesdays) just so that we wouldn't end up fighting. I was ok with not going out with her, I was never a very jealous bf with her. I think hobbies are important and BOTH should realize that you don't have to do them together. as long as you can work some arrangement out and have other things to do together, you should be fine. On the flip side, the current woman I'm seeing doesn't really like motorcycles, nor rollecoasters. She even lectured me on how dangerous motorcycles are and how important it is to wear full body armor when riding. Which I sometimes do.
carhill Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 It's been my direct experience,particularly with older men that they get mad when you decide to go out without them. How old? I'm near 50 and never have felt that way. Even when our M was good, I always encouraged my wife to pursue her interests with or without me. Life is a journey and it doesn't have to be a conjoined one, right? Topically, I would reject such nonsense as having to have a similar interest. Shared emotional styles, philosophies and values are so much more important to a LTR. Interestingly, one finds, with those similarities in place, sharing other things, like interests, becomes both commonplace and a non-issue at the same time
Shygirl15 Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 Lately, I have noticed that someone thinks if they don't like a certain hobby...it's a deal breaker. Motorcycle riding seems to be a biggie these days. If you're not a biker, they aren't interested. Same thing with the love of sports. Surfing, etc etc. If you're not into it...they aren't interested. Of course we all have our hobbies, and I consider myself mostly well-rounded, but lean more on hiking, paintball and kayaking..heck even video games at times. But, I put mere hobbies at the bottom of my list. Though it kinda helps....to have common interests in things....it's not important compenent for a successful relationshiop, nor should it be. Anyone agree? Funny, because looks like I have been talking to a lot of bikers, surfers, and golfers recently. They all seem so proud of these expensive hobbies of theirs, however my interests in a man are a lot more than just hobbies.
Ruby Slippers Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 I can see it if the hobby is really important to you or defines you. I write and record music, and I get along best with other musicians. Playing music together is a really great way to connect with a romantic partner, and it scores me big points. Women who are pretty committed to music and technically capable are rare, I guess, so it always blows the boys away that I can actually play guitar and write good songs. The one serious relationship I had with a non-musician was sweet, but the chemistry was lacking. I can't see myself being serious with a non-musician in the future.
rod_in_gtown Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 ...I write and record music, and I get along best with other musicians. Playing music together is a really great way to connect with a romantic partner, and it scores me big points. Women who are pretty committed to music and technically capable are rare, I guess, so it always blows the boys away that I can actually play guitar and write good songs. Completely agree, being a musician myself I haven't been able to find a girl who is talented and that I find attractive. They're like blue unicorns in my book. The one serious relationship I had with a non-musician was sweet, but the chemistry was lacking. I can't see myself being serious with a non-musician in the future. I have had relationships where the other person wasn't a musician nor had much appreciation for music and I found it painful. Not being able to share this with them. One of the things I would love to be able to do is have writing and recording sessions with a significant other. Unfortunately there aren't that many people like that here in DC. mostly politicians and lawyers and people working for government contractors. I guess I should move to New York.
Author Bells Posted August 31, 2008 Author Posted August 31, 2008 How old? I'm near 50 and never have felt that way. Even when our M was good, I always encouraged my wife to pursue her interests with or without me. Life is a journey and it doesn't have to be a conjoined one, right? Topically, I would reject such nonsense as having to have a similar interest. Shared emotional styles, philosophies and values are so much more important to a LTR. Interestingly, one finds, with those similarities in place, sharing other things, like interests, becomes both commonplace and a non-issue at the same time I have noticed, at least in rural areas/suburbs....husbands and wives are almost always doing something together. I would ask my male married friend if he'd like to hang out and see a movie that just came out....he'd say, "Have to check with the wife first to see if she wants to do anything." And if they have kids...eh..forget it! LOL.
norajane Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 I've run into this issue mostly with sporty types. My ex, for example, would have like a gf who could share his softball/scuba/biking obsessions. My tastes ran more to belly dancing, yoga, a little weight training, and hiking, so we really weren't compatible in that way. I don't think it would have been a problem, except he was SO into his sporty things - not a man of moderation at all. I would have been happy to go bike riding with him, but not for 30 miles at a time. I could have gotten more into scuba, but not every vacation where we needed to get up at 6am to meet the dive boat every single morning. I was happy to go watch him play softball, but at 40, did he really have to be in 2 leagues that played twice a week all summer long? Summers really sucked since his whole schedule revolved around the weather and his softball/biking schedule. Maybe if he'd had more respect for my hobbies, we would have been ok, since I didn't mind him doing his thing without me. But only HIS sporty hobbies were important while mine weren't 'real' sports.
LionLover Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 Lately, I have noticed that someone thinks if they don't like a certain hobby...it's a deal breaker. Motorcycle riding seems to be a biggie these days. If you're not a biker, they aren't interested. Same thing with the love of sports. Surfing, etc etc. If you're not into it...they aren't interested. Of course we all have our hobbies, and I consider myself mostly well-rounded, but lean more on hiking, paintball and kayaking..heck even video games at times. But, I put mere hobbies at the bottom of my list. Though it kinda helps....to have common interests in things....it's not important compenent for a successful relationshiop, nor should it be. Anyone agree? I agree with you. Your differences are what make you unique so for someone to automatically rule someone out over a hobby here & there, is simply ridiculous & unrealistic. And you can have shared interests with someone, without it necessarily having to be about an actual “hobby” per se. I think what’s important a mutual understanding between two people, in that you can both have common interests together but that you will also have interests separate from each other. People are not 100% interchangeable so your interests/tastes/hobbies are not always going to match 100%.
Author Bells Posted September 1, 2008 Author Posted September 1, 2008 I saw this profile of a woman, apparently she's a catcher on a co-ed softball team, and can't "wait" for football season to go on, and so on. Then ends her profile with: If you do not like playing or watching sports please do not waste our time. Just imagine a WOMAN saying this?
carhill Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 Who's "our"? I think I'd be worrying a bit more about that than a woman being interested in sports...
Ruby Slippers Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 Completely agree, being a musician myself I haven't been able to find a girl who is talented and that I find attractive. They're like blue unicorns in my book. I do enjoy being treated that way by the men in my life. You get so many different reactions being a capable female musician. Some men want to adore you; others want to market and manage you and give you reams of technical advice that you probably already know. You almost always have to prove yourself, though. Most men assume an attractive female can't possibly be anything more than "just a singer". This attitude infuriates me!! One of the things I would love to be able to do is have writing and recording sessions with a significant other.An ex and I actually co-wrote an entire album together and recorded about 80% of it in our home studio, falling in love all the while. It was pretty nuts. Super sexy and romantic. Then he got flaky and the relationship fell apart, but it was SO HOT and fun while it lasted. This kind of connection gives a depth to a relationship that I don't think I could do without again.
rod_in_gtown Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 An ex and I actually co-wrote an entire album together and recorded about 80% of it in our home studio, falling in love all the while. It was pretty nuts. Super sexy and romantic. Then he got flaky and the relationship fell apart, but it was SO HOT and fun while it lasted. This kind of connection gives a depth to a relationship that I don't think I could do without again. That's incredible that you were able to do this. I have a friend (who I had a crush on for a while) who is very much the same way, she now lives with her BF who is also a musician and they make music together all the time. Paint me envious.
JohnnyBlaze Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 Lately, I have noticed that someone thinks if they don't like a certain hobby...it's a deal breaker. Motorcycle riding seems to be a biggie these days. If you're not a biker, they aren't interested. There's nothing quite as disheartening as getting involved with a girl who knows what you do (music, ride, skydive, whatever), and then later on says "you know? It's cute that you do that, but it's taking up too much time. Stop doing it". I've had it happen before, and it sucks. Using the bikes as an example, I am a biker, but a girl being a biker too isn't a condition. We're going to have a lot more time together if she does like to ride, but I'm fine as long as I know I'm not going to get the "you're going to kill yourself on that thing one day" lecture every time I go out.
lovestruck818 Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 Lately, I have noticed that someone thinks if they don't like a certain hobby...it's a deal breaker. Motorcycle riding seems to be a biggie these days. If you're not a biker, they aren't interested. Same thing with the love of sports. Surfing, etc etc. If you're not into it...they aren't interested. Of course we all have our hobbies, and I consider myself mostly well-rounded, but lean more on hiking, paintball and kayaking..heck even video games at times. But, I put mere hobbies at the bottom of my list. Though it kinda helps....to have common interests in things....it's not important compenent for a successful relationshiop, nor should it be. Anyone agree? My ex boyfriend was like that- he wants a girl who is into nascar. It's extremely difficult to find a girl on Long Island who likes Nascar- who is he kidding? Maybe that's why we didn't work out...
motive2002 Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 Some post hobbies they aren't really that devoted to or interested in just to look more marketable. I see "outdoors" and "camping" a lot for example, and where I'm from you really don't get a lot of opportunity to do either thanks to the weather.
spookie Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 My ex-bf and I had lots of interests in common, but he broke up with me because he wanted them all to himself. I guess he felt like I was trying to steal his identity or something, while I was just happy to have met someone who was awesome at doing the crazy things I like to do. My bf now and I have totally different hobbies. He makes it a point to include me in his, but to be honest, most them bore me to tears. He took me to a football game and once my buzz wore off and I realized there was nowhere to buy more alcohol I spent the whole time watching the seconds slowly tick away. He has no interest in doing any of the things I'd like to do, like rock-climbing, caving, skiing, primitive camping, etc. Luckily we have lots of other things in common, like profession and sense of humor; and I'm more than happy participating in my own hobbies alone, when I can find the time; but to be honest, I view this as a weak point in our relationship, and it's one of the reasons I am hesitant about committing to loving him. I don't want to end up in the kind of relationship where all my SO and I do together is eat and watch TV. There's nothing wrong with that; I know lots of people have those kinds of relationships and they can be happy and stable; but what I am chasing is magic. There's no point to me in settling for anything less.
daphne Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 At one point I only dated tennis players. Then I only dated high level tennis players or pros. Then I snapped out of it and realized that I wasn't finding what I really needed. Still, I prefer to date someone who plays league tennis, but as long as we have other things in common (core values), I"m ok without it. I do not like pasty couch potatoes tho.
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