rod_in_gtown Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 I was making dinner for this woman I'm seeing (the one that's going through the divorce from the cheating husband), and while I was cooking and drinking some wine with her, and talking about her day (she had been working on her divorce paperwork) she started saying how over the was with her ex but that she hated that it had to happen to her (the whole cheating thing). While she was saying this, her eyes started to water and a couple of tears started rolling down her cheeks. My first instinct told me to walk up to her and hold her silently, but I didn't, I stood there and told her how I her of how proud I was of her for giving her marriage a lot of chances (she took him back a few times after a couple trial separations) and that she had done nothing wrong. (stemming from previous conversations that we had had about people leaving marriages lightly and how divorce had become a relationship tool to many people as opposed to a last resort). I've been going over this a few times in my mind, and I feel that I should've probably gone with my first instinct instead of lecturing her... Ladies? Thoughts?
LionLover Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 Well it seems your first instinct was to console/protect/nurture her when she was hurting. That really shows that you care about her. So, I think you handled it perfectly. Perfectly in the sense that your actions were based out of caring/kindness/consideration of her. It shows that you are not judgemental of her & you accept her for who she is. That's a pretty amazing thing right there, she should feel extremely lucky/blessed to have you.
Toasted Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 Too funny, im on the otherside of the same situation. Just so you don't have to read through all my previous posts, a quick summary - STXH cheated (wasn't the first time), finally pulled up my bootstraps and got out of there. Fastfoward 6 weeks later and went out with someone just for fun and have been seeing him since. Personally - i think you made the right choice. I guess i feel like this. I talk about my feelings about the divorce to my friends and lean on them when i need a hug. With the guy I'm dating i avoid the conversation like the plauge. I want our time to be about us relaxing and enjoying each others company, thats it. Basically - when you hug her you want it to be about you and her, not you, her and her ex, know what i mean? I hope you recognize there is no way she is over it - it seems like you do. As long as you both see it - no point in not enjoying each other. From the get go I let the guy im seeing know I'm a hot mess and want zero pressure, which he has totally been great about. Its great that your being patient - just recognize she is on the rebound in a big way and her emotions are all over the place.
JoeNewbie Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 Rod, I've been in the exact same situation before (minus the cheating) and all I can say is, keep your guard up. While I am sure that you care for her, the situation is very volatile and can change overnight. I know this would be VERY difficult to do but if she's still in pain like that, you should leave her alone for a while.
whichwayisup Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 I've been going over this a few times in my mind, and I feel that I should've probably gone with my first instinct instead of lecturing her... You didn't lecture her, you supported her and said some kind words to her. She may not be ready to have a relationship, she obviously still has alot pain and hurt to work through and isn't able to focus on you, open her heart to you.. Don't be that friend to help her through this either because if you do, you'll end up as the rebound guy. Be honest with her, tell her you don't think she's ready for anything serious and that you don't want to be hurt during this recovery process of hers..
Walk Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 I think you did a great job. I can't talk for your gf but if it'd been me, I would've prefered the "chin up" talk more then the silent hug. She wasn't balling her eyes out, an emotional wreck that needed salvaging, so a hug (although nice) wasn't necessary. It seemed like she was shedding tears to release frustration, emotional overload. In that state, it helps me to hear my partner tell me that they believe in me, that I am doing my best, and I will get through it. Hugs are nice, words of encouragement and support are far better. If I were her, and you'd hugged me right then, I probably would've collapsed in a heap of blubbering mess. I don't know what it is about contact, but I'll lose it if I'm on that verge. My H does what you did, and I know he's the greatest man in the world for doing that. I think you did a great job the way you handled it.
Shygirl15 Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 I also think you handled the situation perfectly and agree with Joe that you may want to keep your guard up. I don't see any harm in continuing to see her as long as you keep your feelings in check for now.
carhill Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 OP, while I do think you did the "right" thing, I can tell you, as someone who did that for decades, many really nice platonic friendships resulted. I hope you're better at disconnecting your emotions from such dynamics than I was. If you eventually want a healthy relationship, you have to be mindful of your needs as well. If she's not in a place yet to meet them, then you have an answer. No amount of empathy or caring from you can change that.
Ronni_W Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 Having been on the "woman crying about her divorce" side -- I probably would have (unconsciously) expected you to just hug me cos I would have (misguidedly) thought that's what I needed most...BUT what you actually did would have made me feel a whole lot better -- you demonstrated that I am special and brave AND you are intelligent, insightful, sensitive and supportive...all at the same time Plus, I'm guessing I got the hug later, anyway(?) So just keep doing what you're doing. It definitely was NOT a lecture. It was brilliant!
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