ay yi yi...setback

[sunshinegirl]

Frick.

 

Frick.

 

Frick.

 

I told coffee date guy it was a no-go. He was fine with it, sorta felt the same way. Good.

 

I am super freaking nostalgic right now, though. A year ago Eric and I were in South Africa together and things were really good between us.

 

This dating crap makes me scared that I'm never going to feel that chemistry, that connection and click, ever again. I worry that I am going to have to force myself to be into some short, fat, ugly, stupid troll. No offense to all the trolls out there.

[Melrapuo]

This dating crap makes me scared that I'm never going to feel that chemistry, that connection and click, ever again. I worry that I am going to have to force myself to be into some short, fat, ugly, stupid troll. No offense to all the trolls out there.

 

Well, look at it this way. Will you ever feel that chemistry again by NOT at least attempting to date? The less you open yourself up, the more likely your fear will come true.

 

Don't put so much pressure on dating. You didn't have to with your ex, I bet. So why do you think you have to now? Take your time, relax, and just live. Good things will come.

[watermeloncandy]

 

This dating crap makes me scared that I'm never going to feel that chemistry, that connection and click, ever again. I worry that I am going to have to force myself to be into some short, fat, ugly, stupid troll. No offense to all the trolls out there.

 

LMAO - sorry to laugh but i was thinking the same thing today...except mine was a toothless hillbilly (no offense to toothless hillbillies).

weird that i'd rather be back with a guy with anger managment issues (but we had great chemistry) than be alone. good grief, i'm smarter than that!

 

i'm going to sound cliche but we will eventually find someone. and at least we know what we wont settle for and we know not to get caught up in the same kind of relationship again. we deserve better than that.

and i don't know about you, but i've been single before and been just fine. you will too!! it's just the first little while is difficult because we are used to having the companionship etc.

you'll be ok.

[foxh1234]

Frick.

 

Frick.

 

Frick.

 

I told coffee date guy it was a no-go. He was fine with it, sorta felt the same way. Good.

 

I am super freaking nostalgic right now, though. A year ago Eric and I were in South Africa together and things were really good between us.

 

This dating crap makes me scared that I'm never going to feel that chemistry, that connection and click, ever again. I worry that I am going to have to force myself to be into some short, fat, ugly, stupid troll. No offense to all the trolls out there.

 

Hey, I'm short, fat, ugly and stupid. Well at least I'm not a troll.:D

[sedgwick]

It's been 14 months for me and tonight I cried like I haven't in some time. I mean, real true lying-in-the-floor-sobbing kind of crying. I read somewhere on a message board where someone asked "What is the most important thing anyone has ever said to you?" And one of the responses was, "The most important thing anyone has ever said to me or can ever say to anyone is, 'I love you.'"

 

So why, then, did it mean absolutely nothing to him when *I* said it? Why was it that I finally found someone I loved unconditionally, and I told him that, and his response was that he couldn't love me because I wasn't an old-time fiddle player? It's like my last bf before him, who couldn't love me because I wasn't a bellydancer like his ex before me. So I busted my ass to become a bellydancer. I've been dancing for 4.5 years and am in a dance company now, but lo and behold, the next guy dumped me for not playing the fiddle. I feel like no matter what I do, no matter who I am, the next guy who comes along is going to have another set of requirements I'm not going to meet. Maybe he'll want me to be a vet, or an opera singer, or an astronaut -- but whatever his particular occupational fetish, the person I *am* simply won't be good enough.

 

And so I sit and I think: okay, I'm a bellydancer writer filmmaker knitter who gives a killer massage and bakes a mean chocolate cake, and if you're my bf you're guaranteed knitwear made of luxury fibers -- like the cashmere scarf I made for my ex out of $120 worth of yarn, which he hung over a nail and never wore. BUT NOTHING I HAVE TO GIVE IS EVEN ADEQUATE. It might be if it were coming from someone else, but from me it's worthless.

 

I would love to have someone who would do for me what I did for him, but nothing I do is good enough. Sometimes it brings me to my knees. Some nights, like tonight, all I can do is cry over the fact that no matter how much I love, it will never mean anything to anybody because it's only coming from me. I want to be part of the world, I want to participate, but nobody will allow me to play. I'm the kid picked last for the kickball team, the girl who didn't make cheerleader, the one who wants desperately to have friends but will only ever be outside looking in because she's not good enough.

 

14 months post-breakup and I'm not even anywhere near CONSIDERING dating. No way. All dating is is another chance to find someone else to disappoint. So if you're dating after four months, that's great. I'm trying to deal with the fact that at 37 I have had love and sex in my life for the last time. It's over; I just have to figure out if there's anything I have to offer the world since I have nothing to offer an individual.

[sunshinegirl]

Sedg, until you understand that it was his inability to love that also made him unable to receive your love...I think you will be stuck.

 

I have been in the self-blame loops that you are, but I am slowly crawling out of that mindset. My ex can't empathize, love, truly care for other people. That has *nothing* to do with me, which is also true of his cheating. It wasn't me. I am grieving the loss of the person I thought he was, the person I wanted him to be, but I at least understand in my head that he simply is not the great guy with all the great qualities I imbued on him. That was my magical thinking.

 

Obviously I'm not through this yet, but there has been progress at least. I hope you will find your way forward as well.

[sunshinegirl]

In counseling last night my therapist said something helpful: my relationship with Eric revolved around some very intense physical experiences that I had never had before.

 

(1) I was new to rock climbing when we met, and it became a central part of our relationship. The challenge, the risk, the sheer physicality of that sport is really intense and sexy and exciting. I came to associate HIM with the rock climbing experience, and to give him a tiny bit of credit, he was supportive and proud of my progress. I love climbing; therefore I love Eric.

 

(2) He was my first sex partner. That alone became a powerful bonding element. I thought the sex was great, but what do I know? I've never had sex before. HE thought it was great too ("phenomenal, the best sex of my life") but then again he had been in a rotten and mostly sexless marriage for a dozen years. So put us together (33 year old virgin and sex-starved divorced guy) and Kaboom! Major chemistry. Which maybe I mistook for love.

 

SO. In therapy we were talking about whether I would have felt at all the same way about Eric had the climbing and sex not been such an integral part of our relationship. My answer? Probably not, because the guy couldn't keep up a decent conversation to save his life, he's judgmental, insensitive, oblivious to others' feelings, and highly self-protective (no self-disclosure).

[watermeloncandy]

that's an interesting way of looking at it. hmph.

do you think that revelation will change your thought patterns about the break up and missing him?

i found that although i logically understood rob and his behaviour etc, for some reason i still get sucked back into the emotional part of it.

if you are able to look at it logically, how do you override the part that wants to scream and cry and ask 'why why why??' ?

[sunshinegirl]

that's an interesting way of looking at it. hmph.

do you think that revelation will change your thought patterns about the break up and missing him?

i found that although i logically understood rob and his behaviour etc, for some reason i still get sucked back into the emotional part of it.

if you are able to look at it logically, how do you override the part that wants to scream and cry and ask 'why why why??' ?

 

My thought patterns don't change quickly, but with enough time and distance and perspective, they do tend to change.

 

And believe me, I've got plenty more stuff I could put in here that would/should help change my thought patterns. (Most important of which: I myself didn't feel 100% at ease when we were together. I was having second thoughts and was starting to feel dissatisfied with our lack of communication.) (Second most important of which: he cheated on me.)

 

It's just a very very long process to detach from a person that I loved and thought I would spend my life with. In my experience, it's totally normal to have conflicting and contradictory thoughts and feelings all swirling around in there.

 

I hate him, I want to scream at him, I want to slap him across the face; I want to hug him, counsel him, help him; I want to be with him now, even if I know I wouldn't be happy long term. blah blah blah

[Kamille]

This is about the 16th time I try to post on one of your threads SSG, and never am quite able to formulate what I want to say.

 

I think you will reach the next stage of healing once you stop trying to pathologize your ex. Right now it's like you're trying to ascribe responsibility for the pain you feel. From the get go you were trying to sort out if it was something you did, if somehow you deserved the treatment and so, as a natural next step to that, you spent a lot of time trying to figure out how it was your ex who was defective.

 

Ascribing responsibility is an understandable step - we all do it. It is part of the anger stage. And while his and your actions, his and your personalities both contributed to how your relationship unfolded, I hope you can reach a stage where you can let it go and forgive yourself.

 

There is nothing to figure out SSG. You are worthy of love - and you have loved and been loved in the past. Try to let it go and start licking those wounds instead of picking at them.

[sunshinegirl]

I am sure you're right, Kamille.

 

I pathologize most of my exes, though as it turns out usually for good reason - they're pathological.

 

But yeah, I know that as long as I am still spinning stories in my head about HIM, it will slow down my ability to move forward with MY life. Except for the part where I have been choosing men who have significant problems maintaining intimate relationships, so these kinds of obsessions with their problem do serve some useful purpose, in that it helps me better understand the men I'm attracted to, and therefore helps me trace what it is in my own past that has made me want guys like this... and therefore helps me figure out what do I need to work on or fix so I stop picking guys like this.

 

But if I'm still doing this a few months from now, you can officially cyber-slap me. Deal?

 

ETA: I haven't forgiven myself. You're spot-on with that comment.

[sunshinegirl]

I had another date last night. It was pretty good, which surprised me since it was with the guy I met over a year ago but who flaked on me 3 times earlier this summer. He wants to get together again. I don't know, I still just have a heavy feeling about the whole thing. Eric just isn't out of my system yet and I just don't feel especially open to someone new.

 

I asked my sister's advice and she said that part of getting over Eric was filling my life with new people and experiences and that even if I don't want to get into a relationship right now, meeting new men can still be helpful in moving on.

 

*sigh* I just feel tired when I think about dating - like I'm not EXCITED about falling in love again, meeting someone amazing, etc. It's like I don't have faith that there IS someone awesome out there for me. Hell, the guy from last night might be amazing, but I'm in no head space to see or appreciate it right now. So do I give it time and just hang out with this guy, being really clear about where I am? Or do I pull back on the whole dating thing and not even try to meet new people?

 

I have another date tonight which I really want to cancel.

[watermeloncandy]

hmm. that's a hard one.

 

on the one hand, i'd say don't date until you are in a better headspace- it's not fair on him either if you can't really be 'into' the date.

 

on the other hand, your sister has a point. maybe this is a good opportunity to help get your mind off of things, and a stepping stone to help you get over it.

 

does this new guy know where you are right now, emotionally? maybe just getting to know each other on a 'friendship' basis at first is the way to go. instead of going out on dates, just do stuff like you are getting to know each other as friends first. that way too, he knows what's going on with you, and if he still wants to invest the time in getting to know you, great. if he doesn't, then that a good thing too.

[sunshinegirl]

Yes, maybe the friends angle can work.

 

I just feel totally dispirited. It's not like there aren't men interested in me. It's that I can't muster any enthusiasm for them.

 

Am I broken? What if the only men I want are the ones who are aloof and mysterious and completely incapable of a real relationship?

 

Is this just timing - I need more time to get over Eric? It's been 4 months and he turned out to be no prize...but I'm not over him. I still want to hear if/when his new relationship goes to hell. I still wish for an apology, for a sign of regret, for some indication of depth, of an effort toward self-improvement, SOMETHING so I don't feel like I poured my love into a Tin Man.

[watermeloncandy]

Yes, maybe the friends angle can work.

 

I just feel totally dispirited. It's not like there aren't men interested in me. It's that I can't muster any enthusiasm for them.

 

Am I broken? What if the only men I want are the ones who are aloof and mysterious and completely incapable of a real relationship?

 

Is this just timing - I need more time to get over Eric? It's been 4 months and he turned out to be no prize...but I'm not over him. I still want to hear if/when his new relationship goes to hell. I still wish for an apology, for a sign of regret, for some indication of depth, of an effort toward self-improvement, SOMETHING so I don't feel like I poured my love into a Tin Man.

 

unfortunately, you may never never get closure on this. then what? years ago i wasted TWO YEARS of my life after a break up wondering the same things. TWO FRIGGIN' YEARS!! i look back now and want to slap myself silly for wasting all that time and energy on such a loser. good grief.

 

think of this: if your best friend came to you and expressed to you what you are saying above, how would you respond to her?

[sunshinegirl]

think of this: if your best friend came to you and expressed to you what you are saying above, how would you respond to her?

 

I would probably try to remind her of all the ways he's a loser and beneath her and probably unable to experience deep regret let alone man up and apologize for it. Then I would probably tell her it just takes time and maybe she's getting out there too soon but maybe it's a nice distraction. Her call.

 

***

 

Other developments: I canceled last night's date. No regrets on that front. The guy was gracious about it.

 

Last week I sent Eric's parents a short note thanking them for being so welcoming and hospitable to me and that I enjoyed getting to know them. His mom wrote me back today, a sweet note saying "believe me, the feeling was mutual..." It's probably as close as I'll ever get to hearing "our son is such an idiot". I felt a little melancholy about the exchange, but also felt good at expressing appreciation and care for people I genuinely enjoyed. I will miss them.

 

Latest development: a woman emailed me on one of the online sites on behalf of her good guy friend who hadn't yet signed up. *Slightly* suspicious but a friend thought it was kind of sweet. If the pictures she sent are real, and his company's website is real, he seems like a potentially interesting guy. *shrug* ETA: I suddenly realize why this guy interests me: like my dad, he started his own law firm and like Eric, he was a college soccer player.

[foxh1234]

Yes, maybe the friends angle can work.

 

I just feel totally dispirited. It's not like there aren't men interested in me. It's that I can't muster any enthusiasm for them.

 

Am I broken? What if the only men I want are the ones who are aloof and mysterious and completely incapable of a real relationship?

 

Is this just timing - I need more time to get over Eric? It's been 4 months and he turned out to be no prize...but I'm not over him. I still want to hear if/when his new relationship goes to hell. I still wish for an apology, for a sign of regret, for some indication of depth, of an effort toward self-improvement, SOMETHING so I don't feel like I poured my love into a Tin Man.

 

Hi SSG, you said it above, it has only been 4 months. That is not a very long time to get over someone. It has been 5 months for me and I tried dating after only 3 months and I wasn't ready. I have dated a few more times recently but still don't feel into it yet. Only you know what you can and can't handle. If you don't feel ready to date, don't. In time you will know when your up to it. Good luck and keep moving forward.

[watermeloncandy]

I would probably try to remind her of all the ways he's a loser and beneath her and probably unable to experience deep regret let alone man up and apologize for it. Then I would probably tell her it just takes time and maybe she's getting out there too soon but maybe it's a nice distraction. Her call.

 

***

 

Other developments: I canceled last night's date. No regrets on that front. The guy was gracious about it.

 

Last week I sent Eric's parents a short note thanking them for being so welcoming and hospitable to me and that I enjoyed getting to know them. His mom wrote me back today, a sweet note saying "believe me, the feeling was mutual..." It's probably as close as I'll ever get to hearing "our son is such an idiot". I felt a little melancholy about the exchange, but also felt good at expressing appreciation and care for people I genuinely enjoyed. I will miss them.

 

Latest development: a woman emailed me on one of the online sites on behalf of her good guy friend who hadn't yet signed up. *Slightly* suspicious but a friend thought it was kind of sweet. If the pictures she sent are real, and his company's website is real, he seems like a potentially interesting guy. *shrug* ETA: I suddenly realize why this guy interests me: like my dad, he started his own law firm and like Eric, he was a college soccer player.

 

my counsellor suggested i follow the same advise i would give a girlfriend...makes sense but hard to follow your own advise! lol

 

it's nice when the parents 'acknowledge' their son is a dink. i had that happen years ago.

 

we all tend to gravitate towards what is familar and comfortable - not always the healthiest thing, though