sunshinegirl Posted August 31, 2008 Share Posted August 31, 2008 I haven't cried in some time over my breakup but man the tears came pouring out tonight. All those stupid crappy questions were back on my mind, too: "Why didn't he love me?" "How could he have been SO callous and cruel to me?" "How can the hooch possibly make him happier than I did?" "Will he ever regret what he did?" "Does he EVER miss me?" And then a bunch of memories crashed down on me. My logical brain knows this is probably me just being afraid of my first date tomorrow - my first since the breakup. But it's the same old crap looping through my mind. He was, ultimately, a huge jerk to me. Shallow, selfish, flat, probably unable to love anyone (not just me). All kinds of "bad life partner" qualities. I know this. I want to get to the indifferent place. I want to get to really really not caring. I am not hung up on any of my previous exes - I want to be there now, with this one. Link to post Share on other sites
Kamille Posted August 31, 2008 Share Posted August 31, 2008 Aw ssg! This likely one hurt you more then any of you other exes with the way he ended things. You question yourself because that is one way to make sense of what happened. You tell yourself he is the one who is deficient because that is another way to make sense of it. But maybe there is no way to make sense of it at all. What is clearer now is that you two were incompatible - perhaps he acted on it before you were ready to realize it. Incompability takes nothing away from who you are. It even takes nothing away from him. Cry all you want and don't worry about it. You've come a long way already. And, I hope your date goes well tomorow. Maybe you are just afraid to move on? To take one step further from your ex by allowing for the possibility of other men in your life? Link to post Share on other sites
orangehose Posted August 31, 2008 Share Posted August 31, 2008 I'm sorry, SSG, and I agree with Kamille that the prospect of a new date is probably what set this off. It's the final stage of acceptance - you're confronted with the fact that YES, it's over, and you have to make room in your heart for another person. I'm also on the verge of dating (casually) again, but this has caused another wave of longing and and frustration. I don't WANT the guys who seem interested in me - I'm not feeling it. I want the ex, or rather an alternative reality in which he wasn't a jerk. Link to post Share on other sites
orangehose Posted August 31, 2008 Share Posted August 31, 2008 Another question, SSG - have you typically not been fully over the last ex when you started the next serious relationship? Just curious. I don't have enough relationship experience to know my own pattern. Link to post Share on other sites
nowhereman82 Posted August 31, 2008 Share Posted August 31, 2008 *hugs and booze* Just stare at my sexy fake hairy belly picture. Works for me! Link to post Share on other sites
Author sunshinegirl Posted August 31, 2008 Author Share Posted August 31, 2008 I feel schizophrenic! One moment I want to see him again so I can slap him across the face. The next moment I want to talk to him about his self-sabotaging emotional shut-down and how it's going to prevent him from ever being truly happy. The moment after that I want to rewind the clocks to when there was still tenderness, or closeness, or companionship between us, not the cold distant look in his eyes the last time we spoke and he admitted (begrudgingly) to cheating. Orangehose: one time I wasn't fully over my previous ex before getting into another serious relationship. In the other cases I took a long time out of the dating world before getting back into it. Friends have speculated that you can usually get to 80-90% healing on your own but that sometimes the last bit of getting over an ex doesn't happen until someone new, different, better comes into your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sunshinegirl Posted August 31, 2008 Author Share Posted August 31, 2008 This is crazy. Right now, I miss him. Douchebag. Link to post Share on other sites
LikeCharlotte Posted August 31, 2008 Share Posted August 31, 2008 DouchebagAwesome. Thats the best thing on LS tonight. Link to post Share on other sites
Mending1985 Posted August 31, 2008 Share Posted August 31, 2008 SSG I totally hear you! I'm in that place now - I don't want to love him, I don't want to care, I don't even want to LIKE him as a person! All my friends can say "But he was this, and he was that" and I get all defensive even though I KNOW he was all those things. Just try not to think about himas much as possible. Do the old rubber band on your wrist trick! As soon as you think about him, snap the rubber band. Pain therapy apparently works Link to post Share on other sites
tealeafbud Posted August 31, 2008 Share Posted August 31, 2008 Hugs to you SSG. I am not sure why you consider it a setback. Is it because you are human and you temporarily thought about some of the questions you've had before? Is it because you showed some emotion from some old feelings? Is it because you're nervous about going on a date that might remind you of your ex? It isn't a setback at all. I think it's progress as weird as it seems. It's called being human. It's called containing emotions and expressing them. It's being reminded of what once was. It's hardly a setback at all. As long as you know it gets better, you'll be ok. Link to post Share on other sites
foxh1234 Posted August 31, 2008 Share Posted August 31, 2008 Hi SSG, I know how your feeling and it sucks. Cry and get it out and then get ready for your date and look fabulous and feel good about it. We both deserve to be happy and we will. Good Luck on your date and I hope you start feeling better. Link to post Share on other sites
sid3 Posted August 31, 2008 Share Posted August 31, 2008 I hope you make it to the place of indifference. I'm trying to find the way as well, as many of the poster here are. I agree with Tea, it doesn't have to be a set back at all. Be glad your not numb and bitter after a breakup like many women(and men become) One thing about dating again is that it can get you down if it doesn't go so well. Being put back out into the dating world can be a bit unsettling at first. Just remember it's all about having fun. And about the progress you are making on your path to truly moving on and letting go of the past. Link to post Share on other sites
Ingenue Posted August 31, 2008 Share Posted August 31, 2008 SSG, I'm sorry to hear you're having those waves come back. It is probably because of your coffee date and it is probably a sign that you are fully coming to realise the situation. I know that there's not much I can say as the emotions we all battle are usually a fight between ourselves and our memories, but I will say this. Cry if you need to cry and allow yourself to feel when you need to feel. That's a healthy part of healing and moving forwards. You go out on your date and have fun, enjoy yourself and allow your coffee date to see what a fabulous person you are, a person who radiates compassion and kindness. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sunshinegirl Posted August 31, 2008 Author Share Posted August 31, 2008 I'm back from the coffee date. Absolutely zero, zip, nada in terms of a love connection. He is wonderful "on paper". But it felt like networking with a work colleague, not being on a date. We work in the same field and talked a lot about what we do. Don't get me wrong, I love what I do, but I don't want to talk about it on a date. He's shorter than me. I wasn't physically attracted to him. I wouldn't want to kiss him. But he is the kind of man I *should* want to date. He does seem to possess all those important qualities that Eric doesn't have. But I want a man that I like talking to, AND whose bones I want to jump. I have a feeling there might be more tears in my future. Link to post Share on other sites
citizen67 Posted August 31, 2008 Share Posted August 31, 2008 Hey Sunshine - Yesterday I had my first date since the explosion with the ex happened. I had a nice time. No great fireworks, but I liked how he laughed at his own jokes, and could probably kiss him w/out having to guzzle a bottle of tequila first. So that's something, right? But I was weepy this morning over the ex even though he is a total d*&khead. And then I get mad at myself for being sad over someone who could treat me that bad. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sunshinegirl Posted August 31, 2008 Author Share Posted August 31, 2008 Right now I feel like I would take Eric back if he showed up on my doorstep. I miss the comfort of our relationship, the rhythms and lifestyle and being beyond all that "getting to know you" crap. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted August 31, 2008 Share Posted August 31, 2008 Right now I feel like I would take Eric back if he showed up on my doorstep. I miss the comfort of our relationship, the rhythms and lifestyle and being beyond all that "getting to know you" crap. And therein lies part of the difficulty. Also, you can't expect the emotional and physical connection to be at the same level as a relationship of years, from one date. Do you have any opportunities to get to know any men, previous to dating? A slower pace might help you get a reasonable comfort level first. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sunshinegirl Posted August 31, 2008 Author Share Posted August 31, 2008 I work for a really small company (where all the men are married) and I travel a lot. So meeting men "organically" is hard. Eric was a friend-of-a-friend connection; unfortunately my friends don't know very many more unmarried men. I agree the pace and expectations that come from the online world can be hard to manage, but honestly I don't have a lot of other outlets to meet people right now. Can someone remind me that everything will work out okay in the end? I feel so discouraged that I have to go through all of this crap...again... and I worry that I will never meet the guy with that right combination of traits. Link to post Share on other sites
foxh1234 Posted August 31, 2008 Share Posted August 31, 2008 I work for a really small company (where all the men are married) and I travel a lot. So meeting men "organically" is hard. Eric was a friend-of-a-friend connection; unfortunately my friends don't know very many more unmarried men. I agree the pace and expectations that come from the online world can be hard to manage, but honestly I don't have a lot of other outlets to meet people right now. Can someone remind me that everything will work out okay in the end? I feel so discouraged that I have to go through all of this crap...again... and I worry that I will never meet the guy with that right combination of traits. Hi SSG, I think you will meet someone when you least expect it. Stop putting pressure on yourself and just live your life. I think good things will happen for you and hopefully for me as well. I am going to take a friends advice and do a little dating again and see what happens. Hang in there, good things ahead. Link to post Share on other sites
angel24 Posted August 31, 2008 Share Posted August 31, 2008 Hi Sunshinegirl, the whole dating thing makes you feel worse sometimes because you compare the person to your ex. Its natural i guess, you have become so used to being with your ex and you knew each other so well, so its abit depressing when your faced with being on a date and bored.. how long since you broke up? Link to post Share on other sites
Author sunshinegirl Posted August 31, 2008 Author Share Posted August 31, 2008 Thanks Fox. Maybe I am expecting too much or trying to force things. I don't know. But everyone is telling me I have to get back on the horse eventually. Angel, it's been 4 months since the breakup; we were together for 15 months or so. I have 101 reasons why my ex is NOT an awesome guy and couldn't possibly make me happy long-term. But you're right, the comparisons still happen - in my case comparing the comfort of the "known" to the discomfort of an unknown. I feel depressed. Link to post Share on other sites
angel24 Posted August 31, 2008 Share Posted August 31, 2008 dont be depressed, i know its really hard, you will go through stages- (i have realised) stages of feeling really good and really bad..its part of the grieving process.. but eventually the bad times will get better i hope! i found that dating didn't help me either, but its only been 2 mths since my break-up. Maybe you should give yourself a bit more time before dating again. You mentioned he is dating..men that date or get in a new relationship so soon after a break-up are just trying to fill a void alot of the times and it actually shows they are hurting..they have a delayed reaction to the event. You sound smart so dont let this person make you lose yourself..try to think with your head and not your heart. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sunshinegirl Posted September 1, 2008 Author Share Posted September 1, 2008 The stages SUCK. It's been a long time since I reminisced about mornings with Eric - where he would make me coffee, and kiss my forehead goodbye when he left for work before I did. But that's what was on my mind this morning. We had such simple, sweet routines. I miss that. I try to remember that it's the routines I miss and not Eric himself. That's hard to do sometimes. Coffee date guy wants to get together again. I'm not sure what to tell him. He would be a good person to professionally network with, and could be an interesting friend, but I have zero interest romantically. Link to post Share on other sites
Ingenue Posted September 1, 2008 Share Posted September 1, 2008 SSG - sorry to hear that the coffee date wasn't as promising as it seemed on paper. Maybe Angel is right in suggesting you give yourself a bit more time before hitting the dating pool again. I know you're feeling nostalgic this morning and you're reminiscing about the routine. I'm not sure what to say except, hang in there. Going through that whole roller coaster is part of the healing process. As for coffee date guy, there's nothing stopping you from having him as a friend, though you might need to clarify your position to him lest he get the wrong idea. Link to post Share on other sites
watermeloncandy Posted September 1, 2008 Share Posted September 1, 2008 hi sunshinegirl i just broke up with my boyfriend a few weeks ago. i feel just like you do. i have conflicting emotions about him. i love him, i hate him, i miss the good times, i know he's not right for me and the break up was a good thing for me, but i think about all the wonderful things about him. all the things we did together from watching the simpsons, grocery shopping, to camping...and everything in between. then i think about the things he'd say to me when he was angry, his rage....and how he is handling the break up and how disgusted i am with him. then i cry when i think about how unhappy he's going to be the rest of his life if he doesn't get help.... why do we torture ourselves like this? why is it easier to think of these things than remember the reason why we broke up and that this is a good thing?? i totally relate to your posts. i am glad that you are getting out again, though. take it easy....i'm sure it's hard getting back out there and making yourself vulnerable again...i know i don't relish the idea of starting over...i hate the thought of dating again... although,one thing i have learned from all of this though is that i have to TRUST MY GUT from the beginning, and not break any of my cardinal rules - ie: if they lie to once, they are out the door. so i've definitely learned a lesson. i wish i could offer you advice, but i can't. i can just tell you that you aren't alone. *hugs* Link to post Share on other sites
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