honour and trust Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 Okay...short fill-in: I've been on and off with a man (more like a boy) for 4 years, he also has been on and off with an ex-girlfriend for 5 years. The situation is not all black and white before anyone gets to jumping to consclusions. Anyways, for the last 4 months things have been great with us almost as great as they were before I knew about there being an ex-girlfriend! At this time I made a "no more" commitment to myself and to him. Simply stating that if he wants anything to continue with her then I'm out. With it being a holiday weekend and there are plenty of parties and such going on, I asked him what we would be doing this weekend. He basically said that he couldn't hang out with me because his ex & family would be in town. I think I had the same reaction as most people: "What the hell?! Why does it matter if you two aren't together anymore?! I missed the reason why can't we hang out, please tell me again?!" I didn't listen to any BS or filler words, I was done with it. Done with the back and forth and not knowing and lack of a commitment. If you'd like to know more, I have posted on our situation. I'm doing NC. The situation is so rediculous and embarrassing. All the times we've called it quits before it was through telephone. This time I ended it to his face, I wanted to prove I was serious and not settling for less. I'm hurting so bad but I know its for the best. I know that if he truly loves me and if we truly have something then he'll prove it. During our break up conversation, I told him that I needed space and he needed space from me too. He tried to give me BS about how we were fine and yada yada yada but after awhile he said okay and asked me if I'd give him some time to straighten some situations out and to clear his mind. That was that, next thing you know I'm walking away. I feel like I did him a favor, like I just lifted weight off of his shoulders. I'm so hurt and so upset. I know that whatever happens it will be for the best. My questions are will I hear from him again? The whole give me time to figure things out...was that just additional BS? Lastly, I've put up with alot of BS from him, is that all I'll ever get? Say 1 year from now, we decide to work on things,will it be like the old saying, once your the other woman, always the other woman? I feel like I'm addicted to him. I'm so in love and I shouldn't be. I could use helpful and constructive outlook not the bashing please.
astra77 Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 HAT (honour and trust) you sounds asthough you have had many, many ups and downs over the years. You have had alot going on in your life for a long time, use this as a time to sit down and re focus yourself. Re evaluate your wants and your needs. Use this as an oppurtunity to stretch your wings and fly, the world is your oyster. Relax and breath huny, dont be too hard on yourself and take the time you need to heal YOU Best of luck hat
whichwayisup Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 Say 1 year from now, we decide to work on things Why would you waste another year of your life hoping you'll work things out with this guy? He is doing this because you allow him to. You keep taking him back. It'll never stop until YOU break the cycle and walk away for good. When things were good between you two, how involved was he? Did he meet your friends and family? Was he a big part of your daily life? Or was it stolen moments here and there on HIS time frame?
Author honour and trust Posted August 31, 2008 Author Posted August 31, 2008 Right now, I'm working on the hope part. I'm trying to get rid of the feelings of hope. I want to be off on my own not worrying about him but I do think what if and could it even work. So that's where I am now. When things are good, they really are good. He's spending time with my friends and family and I'm spending time with his friends and family. He wouldn't go absent or leave me with suspicions but it's like we'll go 3 or 4 months in a great state and then slowly he'd start pulling back. By that time, I'm spoiled and thinking oh my gosh everything is going so wonderful. So, I don't know. He's already tried to contact me but I am really wanting something different. I'm open to having a relationship with him but there is absolutely no reason why I should have to have one with him and his ex, It's just not going to happen anymore.
SeaBrooke Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 Sounds like you have made a good decision. I don't think men are as confused as we women sometimes lead outselves to believe. When people want something and it's important to them. They do what they need to inorder for it to happen. I think you probably did take some pressure off of him. But you did that by taking care of yourself. It was an excellent choice. You don't seem to be getting what you need from this relationship. You have been waiting a long time for it to move forward. He knows why he is withdrawing, he isn't ready. I would be upset too if I were you. But, being upset isn't going to make him ready and neither is turning the other cheek and hanging on to the hope that he will suddenly change his mind. Pulling back, as you have and letting him come to you....gives you a chance for some clarity and getting grounded in your own feelings about him, and what you really want and need in a relationship. I know you love him, but he is really putting the other situation before your relationship with him. In the past you have been upset etc about it but, when you continued on with him anyway, it sends the message to him that he has nothing to worry about and banks on your feelings for him to just keep doing what he's been doing. If you decide to not see him anymore and completely move on with your life, he will most likely do this again with someone else he gets involved with. He isn't over the ex. Wants to leave that door open. I am not saying he has no feelings for you. Please don't think that, but what I am saying is that what ever the emotional pull is that he feels with his ex, is stronger. Be genuinely busy, doing things for yourself that fulfill you. Don't lie and say you are busy if you aren't. Be busy. If you hear from him and you want to say hello. Be real, say hello....But don't ask to see him, don't lead is what I am saying. Let him, and if you have plans already when he ask....Do Not Change Them. Keep them. Let Him, try and fit in your world. You'll feel more solid in yourself by doing this. When men first start showing an interest in us, they know just how to do it. When he wants to spend time with you, he knows what to do inorder to make that happen. 4 years proves that. But you, aren't happy. Feel disrespecetd, and I don't blame you. There are a lot of good men out there. When you are more centered in yourself, and know what you really want in a realtionship, and it sounds like you do, you'll see other possibilites open up for you. Maybe not with him..... But, the things that are missing in this realtionship with him, you'll find with someone else and be happy. Good Luck, healing takes time and energy....So be good to yourself.
Author honour and trust Posted September 2, 2008 Author Posted September 2, 2008 Thank you so much for those words. Today was a really hard day for me. Regardless of what I tell myself, I am/was the other woman. He has this ex that he clearly loves more and it breaks my heart into a million little pieces. It doesn't make sense to have such great times and be there for someone with all of your heart and soul and at the end of the day, he prefers another woman. I know I'm a great catch and I deserve and can get so much more. Why I still want him is beyond me!! I guess through all of this I wanted to hear that I had a chance. In reality, I don't think I did. The reality of the situation is very painful. Hence the reason why I've had a tough day. I'm going to give him a run for his money. I'm not agreeing to anything at this point. Not even 100% of him. I don't know if he'll present anything better than what he's already provided. Even still, his ex can deal with him because the whole time he's been working with her, he's been working with me on the side. Frankly, something in their relationship is missing too or else I wouldn't exist. That alone, makes me smile because I'm out of his life and he'll still be unfulfilled. Its been 2 days of NC and it sucks but we'll see...I still wonder if he'll let me go easily or if he'll chase.
whichwayisup Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 I know I'm a great catch and I deserve and can get so much more. Yes, you do. I hope you soon realize that HE isn't worthy of YOU. Another angle to look at this is, he is so used to two women in his life, he can bounce back and forth - Why would he want to give one of you up? She takes him back, you take him back.. Question, have you ever met her? I wonder how much she knows about you and your relationship with him?
mytruelove Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 how are you doing hon? gosh, if you read my most recent post yours is really helping me a lot because we,re going through a lot of the same things. great advice here. i think you've made the right decision and you can only go forward from here hon. if he really loves you nothing nothing nothing will stop him from being with you. have faith. you've made the first right step to a mutual loving relationship, one in which you are able to love yourself more than any other person. one in which you are true to yourself. only when we love ourselves are we truly able to love another.
Author honour and trust Posted September 3, 2008 Author Posted September 3, 2008 Thank you everyone for the support! It's been really hard to do something other than what I've been doing for the last 4 years. I'm not holding my breathe on him fighting to be with me. I don't believe he'll stop contacting me for awhile but I do feel that it will soon fade away. Who knows, though?! I don't want to have any hopes as far as that goes. WWIU...She does know who I am and she knows what relationship I've had with this boy. As far as current information, I don't know how much she knows, what she knows or even what she's been told. Probably not as much as I know about her though. And you are completely right. Its been somewhat of a tug of war with him. He's always had her and he's always had me. He does us both in ways we don't deserve and we suck it up and take it. I'm sure she's walked away just as much as myself but I've looked at certain documents (not really want to reveal where and why I found these) and it seems almost like she fights to keep him, she begs and chases a good amount herself. To be fair, I don't know what information he's feeding her in return. Anyways, saying these things outloud help me to understand what kind of rediculous situation I'm in. Frankly, I feel like I never stood a chance and he knew it! I feel like I did a really good job of telling myself that he truly loved me and I made every little thing he's done with me and for me, count when in actuality it didn't really mean anything. I don't know, I'm hurting but I'm healing. So keep me in your prayers and keep helping me. Thanks. MTL- You and me both will survive this and one day be so thankful that we learned this lesson and moved on! Let me know how your doing!
mytruelove Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 "I feel like I never stood a chance and he knew it! "- then hon, if that's the case, then he's just not the one for you -plain and simple. you took a risk. be proud of yourself for that!!! that takes guts. pick up your self-esteem and pride and give it to someone that appreciates it. you know i'm talking to myself here too, right? and YES i'm praying for you and all the people hurting on this board-THANK YOU!!! prayers given and welcomed. we WILL be stronger. we WILL be. we've taken the steps to be. have to believe, have faith, and trust.
Author honour and trust Posted September 4, 2008 Author Posted September 4, 2008 Me feeling like I never had a chance was the result of reminiscing on all of the missed signs-or me thinking too hard. I think in his own little way he let me know that we were simply "whatever happens happens." At the same time, we've shared really good moments but...nothing is making sense. All I know is that at the end of the day, he's looking out for her and no one is looking out for me but me. I'm okay with it though. I'm taking this really hard though because there's only one person responsible for me which is me and I didn't take care of myself. I allowed myself to be in a relationship that in the end of it all caused more pain that I can bear and understand. I feel like failed myself. Today was a good day for me. Of course, he's been heavily on my mind but I know he did love and care for me. I need not to worry about what decisions he'll make and who he'll end up with. Its hard to deal with the fact that i probably won't be his it girl but what can you do? Atleast at this time in his life he's decided to take care of himself. Things may not look up now but I know there is a plan for me in the skies, he may or may not be apart of it. It's time for me to accept it.
Author honour and trust Posted September 5, 2008 Author Posted September 5, 2008 So I'm still doing NC...and he's still calling. It breaks my heart, I love him so much. When would be a good time to answer the phone? Never? I am afraid of following down the same path I've been going. However, I really would like to know what he has to say. Anyone think he can change?
2sunny Posted September 5, 2008 Posted September 5, 2008 So I'm still doing NC...and he's still calling. It breaks my heart, I love him so much. When would be a good time to answer the phone? Never? I am afraid of following down the same path I've been going. However, I really would like to know what he has to say. Anyone think he can change? he's not going to change. he's calling to try to get you to go along with his agenda again. the fact that he knew ahead of time that he wasn't planning to spend that weekend with you and he didn't even bother telling you until he was forced - says exactly how selfish he really is. he was hoping you wouldn't ask. your feelings will always be third in line... 1) him, 2) OW, 3) you. is that where you want to put your happiness?
wildsoul Posted September 5, 2008 Posted September 5, 2008 Question for you: Under what conditions would you consider taking him back again (e.g. he's broken up with his xGF)? You clearly stated that you don't want to keep doing the same thing you've been doing. You post about initiating NC was only a few days ago. I can't imagine that he's changed yet! So what is it exactly that you want your relationship changed to?
Author honour and trust Posted September 5, 2008 Author Posted September 5, 2008 Oh my goodness! That is a really good question. I always felt that he and I would have to seperate once and for all if anything were to come of our situation since its been very messy for the last 2 years. I'm too scared to say when and why I would take him back for many reasons. One being look at what we've gone through, who would accept us as a couple? Two, I know I love him but will I somehow feel angry later on down the road and start the teeter tottering again? Three, back to number one, what will people think?! Four, I'm scared. I love him, I do...I still 4 years later get butterflies, and my heart skips a beat when he calls, I feel like its our first date every single time we go out. I am scared of making a decision that is not in my best interest. I want to believe that he will be a better man. I'm afraid he might've lost respect for me for not putting my foot down sooner. I'm afraid he thinks of me as a game. Okay...I want him. There you go, I said it. I do, I want him but I want him to want me and to love me the way he says he does. I don't think he's telling me the truth when he'd rather spend a weekend with his ex than with me. That doesn't add up. I want him and his love, question is can I and will I ever get it?
wildsoul Posted September 5, 2008 Posted September 5, 2008 I always felt that he and I would have to seperate once and for all if anything were to come of our situation since its been very messy for the last 2 years. <snip> I want him but I want him to want me and to love me the way he says he does. I don't think he's telling me the truth when he'd rather spend a weekend with his ex than with me. I bolded and underlined the word "always" in your post because it seems really important. Looks right to me. Let things clear up and maybe (and probably only then) you can have a fresh start. You don't have anything to lose by clearing it out. For brevity, I snipped your list of fears and concerns, but I want to say that I can really relate. I have many of those same worries. My situation is kind of different in that I've been seeing a MM since January and though he said he was separating, he was going a bit back and forth. I broke up, and it took 3 weeks of him being really miserable without me to make him take bold action of leasing an apartment and now officially separating. I wasn't trying to get him to act, I was doing it to end the futility. But I will say this: he had to really feel that he lost me forever before anyting changed. (knock on wood) So while I understand how withdrawals make you want to connect with him (those 3 weeks were painful) it would probably serve you a lot more to go NC. The temporary fix of communication is likely to lead to more of the same. Drastic changes require drastic measures. Another question. You wrote "I want him to want me and to love me the way he says he does." Fair enough. But it seems kind of vague. His feelings are not visible/measurable. Do you have any external boundaries, behaviours, or something that would be good signposts that he has changed?
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