smile711 Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 I am new to posting on this site but I have read other threads and they have helped a little. Here's the story: I started an A with a married co worker 2 and 1/2 years ago when I was also married. At first, it was purely physical, but 7 or 8 months in, we both realized that we had deep feelings for each other. One of us should have walked away then, but we didn't. I got divorced (not because of the A, because my marriage was terrible). For the past year and a half, I have been trying to break things off but have been begged to give "just one or two more months". I am so scared of being alone that I stayed. In February, MM tried to leave BS but family flipped out and told him they would never accept anyone else in his life if he didn't try to work on his M. He came to me for 2 days, then went back to BS. Within 3 weeks, we were seeing each other again. I quit my job (so I wouldn't have to see him there), got into counseling and started to straighten myself out. Two months later, he left again and came to me. Took off the ring and everything! His family would not talk to him (they didn't know about me) and they wouldn't let him stay with them. He moved in with me for 4 MONTHS! He even met my family and we went on vacation together for a week this summer. Three weeks later, he got a chance to see some people in his family (he finally came clean with some info about me). The next day I came home and all of his stuff was in garbage bags in his car. He said his family would never accept me and he can't be without his family. He went home 'to be a better person and stop lying and cheating' (both of which he has been doing for almost his entire 20 year marriage). There has been NC between us for 7 days (he is on vacation this week). I feel so betrayed and rejected, especially because I made him promise he would not leave me this time. Last time it took all I had to scrape myself off the ground and he promised he would stay. Now he's saying that he swears to god that he will never be back and that the only way he is getting divorced is if his wife files. The NC is killing me...I would be incredibly grateful for any advice!
whichwayisup Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 All you can do is leave him alone. He has chosen his wife and children, over the affair with you. Try your best to keep busy, be with friends and family who DO love you and care for you. This guy put himself in a situation where he had to choose, and keep on choosing..
Author smile711 Posted August 31, 2008 Author Posted August 31, 2008 The real kicker is that he doesn't have any kids so his issue is that he can't commit to anything in his life! I hope he contacts me and I hope he doesn't all at the same time. I'm trying to get better every day and I really think that I can stick with NC...I'm just not sure he can since he flip flops on everything so much.
crystal_lostheart Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 Hi Smile, I know how hard it is but you need to put YOURSELF first now. How much more can you take???? He will just continue to hurt you. I know how it feels you just want to give it one more go - maybe this time, maybe he will come around. On thing my counsellor told me - "your are not responsible for trying to change other people's lives - take responsibility for yourself and change your own life because nobody else will do that for you' Take Care and Good Luck
astra77 Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 Hi Smile, I know how hard it is but you need to put YOURSELF first now. How much more can you take???? He will just continue to hurt you. I know how it feels you just want to give it one more go - maybe this time, maybe he will come around. On thing my counsellor told me - "your are not responsible for trying to change other people's lives - take responsibility for yourself and change your own life because nobody else will do that for you' Take Care and Good Luck Smile is what you should be doing right now, but you are not smiling right now, you must be deeply hurting and i am so sorry to hear this huny. CL is right, you have to look after YOU. He made a choice to return to his wife, and you need to remove yourself gracefully from his life, pick up the pieces and move on. Good luck huny, and keep posting
Author smile711 Posted August 31, 2008 Author Posted August 31, 2008 What do I do if he calls again? I know he says that he won't, but let's face it, he's a liar so I know there's a chance. He originally told his wife that we were together "a couple of times" in December so she told him to come home. Once he got home, he dropped the bomb that we had been together for 2 years, that he had been living with me for 4 months, and that he had taken me on vacation for my birthday for a week! Is it terrible of me to think that he deserves neither one of us? I feel like it would serve him right if he had no one and finally knew what it felt like to be alone. I know that if he called or came back it would be a bad situation because the trust wouldn't be there-I would always be waiting for him to leave again. I just want things to get easier. It also doesn't help that even though we no longer work together, we work in the same building (which his wife doesn't know) so we still see each other occasionally.
whichwayisup Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 he's a liar so I know there's a chance. So, you know he's a liar, why would you want this guy anyway? He bounces back and forth, lies to you, lies to his wife - He's tried to leave, but ended up missing her too much, so he went back home. He's made his choice. You stick to NC and if he calls you, tell him to go away and that you don't want to be the OW in his life. If he wants you, he come see you when he is officially divorced with the proof in his hands (signed D papers) and until then, he has to leave you alone. Is it terrible of me to think that he deserves neither one of us? He's selfish. He has two women meeting all his selfish needs. It isn't terrible of you at all to feel this way..But, with that being said, now that you know what he's like, who he is, WHY do you still want him???? What is it that you truly love about the guy? His wife said vows, she may continue to take him back, that is her choice. You are NOT married to this guy, he made NO committment or vows to you, so don't feel you owe him anything.
Author smile711 Posted August 31, 2008 Author Posted August 31, 2008 When I ran into him last week (the last time we had any contact), I told him it would be easier if he could say that he loved and missed his wife and that's why he went back. He said he couldn't do that-he went back because his family was angry and wouldn't talk to him and he couldn't take it anymore. That makes it even harder to deal with! I am 8 days into NC, 18 days since he left, and I am dreading the upcoming week because I know he will be back at work and it is going to take all of my self-control to not call him and ask questions.
pelicanpreacher Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 Does this man do something for you or fulfull a need that no other man can provide? Is your investment in this relationship so deep that you somehow feel that you owe him your love, respect, and fidelity? Can you accept this man "as is" knowing all you know about him and all you've endured by him? If the answer is NO to any one or all of the questions above then find another man and send this one packing for good!
astra77 Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 Smile, PP is right huny, you are accepting scraps and crumbs when he should be giving you a five course meal, and a delicious dessert. You deserve more than that. Walk away from this guy, let him sort his issues out, sort yourself out and if and when he comes back, you MUST lay down the law, tell him to stop pussy footing around and get a D if he wants you. DO NOT settle for anything less. Right now you are making it easy for him to stay in his current situation - as is his W. By staying in contact with him you are enabling him to treat you this way. If the sh*t hits the fan with you, he has his W to fall back on, and if the sh*t hits the fan with the W, he has you for a back up. That is soooo not on sweetie, dont feed him this option. Give him something to think about and walk away. If he really wants you for who YOU are and not what HE is getting from you (just sex on tap) he will D his W. But if you continue to let him stay in contact with you, the vicious rollercoaster you have found yourself on will NEVER stop at the station. Its time to end the ride babe and get the hell off the rollercoaster.
Author smile711 Posted September 1, 2008 Author Posted September 1, 2008 Thanks to everyone for all their replies. Keep 'em coming! I definitely want the opportunity to reject him as I feel he has rejected me. Before he left on vacation, he was asking my friends and coworkers how I was, he was worried, etc. He claims he has no ulterior motive in this-he was just "worried about me". I told him that I don't want him bothering my friends anymore. I also told him that "he is where he wants to be" and he had the nerve to say that he's not sure and that only time will tell! I want him to call and I don't want him to call at the same time. I know that if he doesn't call, I will be no worse off than I am right now-it will just be another day of this. But if he does call, there would be some sort of sick satisfaction in it, even though I know it would amount to a setback in my healing. Do you think there is any chance he will call? He seems serious, even did the whole "swear to God" thing, but he swore to God he wouldn't leave his wife the last time and he did and then he swore to God that he wouldn't leave me last time and he did. So forgive me for thinking that he sounds like the boy who cried wolf!
Author smile711 Posted September 1, 2008 Author Posted September 1, 2008 Forgot to tell you all-he's almost 20 years older than me, smokes and drinks every day, and has some other addictions I'd rather not go into detail about! Please explain why the HELL I want this person back in my life! Am I that afraid of being alone?
jj33 Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 There is no way of knowing whether he will call. He may. But this revenge notion is a phase. There are ups and downs in getting over someone. Best he doesnt call because if he catches you in a weak moment you may not be a solid in your position as you are now - not that I doubt you, but its just the way things go sometimes. Actually you already have your revenge. You no longer work with him, so he cant see you anymore. You are in NC so he cant talk to you anymore. He "had it all" before - you and his W. Now he doesnt have you and at this point he probably still believes he has you as an option. That if he breaks NC he can win you back or that you will break NC and come crawling back. Hes not going to live long enough to see that happen is he... Wanting him to call so you can reject him is ego, proof that he really did care. You know he cared. And you cared for him and he has hurt you. You dont need to inflict more pain on him he lives in a world filled with pain whether or not he admits it. He is obviously not a happy person. Happy people dont do what he did to you or to his wife. When you have more distance I think your desire for revenge will be less.
Author smile711 Posted September 1, 2008 Author Posted September 1, 2008 I find some consolation in the fact that I'm sure his life right now is not all sunshine. His wife is very upset about all she has learned about us, his family still isn't talking much to him, and his coworkers (who are friends of mine) and my coworkers think he is a complete idiot for what he has done. There is always a chance I might see him, though, because we work in the same mall. I'm trying to avoid that. I know that his wife is probably making his life hell right now...as a friend of mine put it, he probably can't take a dump with the door closed! And I know that if he came back, I would always wonder if he would leave again. I can't go through this pain again! It's the 9th day of NC, but it's kind of been forced NC because we were never able to talk when one of us was on vacation anyways. Tomorrow (when he comes back to work) is going to be the true test, at least for me. I am going to try my hardest not to call or beg for him back. That's what his wife did and I'm not doing it! I find myself wondering if he thinks about me...he must, right? I mean, it was 2 1/2 years, we were living together, he met my family and friends, and we were talking about getting married and where we would live! I'm sure, though he's trying, it has to be on his mind.
jj33 Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 I hate to say it but the man is a coward. He lived with you he made plans with you and then he said he isnt coming back unless his W divorces him? He has taken you through hell and back. You sound like a nice person you dont want to enroll for more pain. Just remember that when you think of calling. You are worth so much more than that. Why would you beg him to come back? It would be the ultimate ego boost for him and more tears for you. Surely that is not what you want to give him at this point. Its the shock. You cant believe that he would do something like this. Surely someone who shared what you shared togther couldnt be doing this. But sadly the reality is what it is. Im sure deciding to leave a marriage is not easy but you dont need to go through this push and pull. When the papers are filed, if you are still available and you still want him back, maybe then there will be something to talk about. Hang in there. You can do this. And of course he thinjks about you. How could he not. But that doesnt matter. You know in your heart what you shared. What matters is that you get your life back and move forward.
Author smile711 Posted September 2, 2008 Author Posted September 2, 2008 Thanks jj33 for all the comments and the good advice! I need everyone to keep their fingers crossed and say a prayer that tomorrow isn't as stressful as I am anticipating it will be. I go back to work and he comes back from vacation tomorrow and I have no idea what the upcoming days will hold for me. I just know that I feel like I am at the end of my rope. I feel like I have no strength left to deal with this and I am exhausted in every way possible. Please keep the replies and encouragement coming-they are really helping me in my darkest moments. I want to have the strength not to call him and I want to have the strength and peace necessary to not care if he calls me. It's a tall order, I know, but it's where I need to be for my mental and emotional health. He has taken so much from the past 2+ years of my life and moving on and starting over seem like such overwhelming tasks.
Author smile711 Posted September 3, 2008 Author Posted September 3, 2008 Well, today passed uneventfully. He didn't try to contact me and I didn't contact him. I feel kind of bummed that he didn't call (I wanted the chance to reject him, I guess) but suprisingly, I felt a sense of relief when I saw that he hadn't called. So I guess today was no different than the other days-just trying to put one foot in front of the other and get through the day. I'm very emotionally exhausted. This crap takes a lot out of you, you know? Today I focused wholeheartedly on my job and I found that it had been a long time since I had given 100% to anything but him. It felt good to focus on something else and realize that everything I am isn't wrapped up in him.
wildsoul Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 Yay!!! One day at a time. You're doing great!
D-Lish Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 I don't believe for a second that he stays in an unhappy marriage to appease his family. He's a liar and a cheater and he basically making both you and his wife miserable- yet both of you enable this behaviour. Yes, it will be difficult to detach from this relationship, but it's toxic to you. It's important to stand up and make the decision that you will not take him back. AND HE WILL COME BACK. Men like this always do. The only person that can take this power he has of travelling back and forth between two women that willingly allow him to do so- is you.
whichwayisup Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 I feel kind of bummed that he didn't call (I wanted the chance to reject him, I guess) Don't let your ego take over - Or play games. D-Lish said it right, he's toxic to you, so try your best to stay strong if he does contact you.
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