mistresswchildren Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 Well, I finally made it to confession. I am glad that I did. My largest problem now is forgiving myself. Is it sinful to continue to blame yourself when God Himself can forgive you for your sins? I think that I really need to work on forgiving myself for what has transgressed, but I am not entirely sure how to do so. I will be honest, it feels as if a large burden has been lifted. I am not the greatest of Catholics, but I know that I need something greater in my life. I have been trying to go to church regularly, and maybe this is a step towards healing, but I know I still hurt. While I realize that God is there, I still hurt. I guess I just have to deal with it, but how do you learn to forgive yourself?
torranceshipman Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 Oh God, I mean this in the nicest possible way, but you've already been through way too much misery and crap to now continue with all this self flagellation that is just prolonging the misery that you're feeling...that MM put you through ENOUGH-don't carry on the job for him. You're a good person that got involved in a bad situation and you need to break out of this way of thinking - move forward positively. Your kids need a happy mom and you have a great future out there - go find it - draw a line under all this. If you really feel that you deserve to be miserable or to have bad karma (I don't think this btw), then consider 'time served' in the crap thrown at you by this MM to be karmic time served. You really have so much going for you but I think the one thing left is a major rehaul of your mental state and the need to draw a line under ALL of this and move on - its now only YOU holding you back from being happy, not the MM or anything else.
Author mistresswchildren Posted August 30, 2008 Author Posted August 30, 2008 Thank you! I really appreciate it. Honestly! I'm working on it, but it is difficult. I think that I have started to forgive myself for what I did in the past, but it is how it affects the future that bothers me. Regardless of whether or not I draw a line under all of this, which I sincerely wish to do, it will always come back to me. If it were just me, I would be able to get over it with a few tears and some bad days, but it's not just me. The kids will grow up, and this will affect them in some way for the rest of their lives. Whether or not I want it to, I have no power over that part of the situation. All I can control is what I do about it now, but I cannot keep it from affecting the kids for good or bad. It will all depend a lot on what their father does from this point on. I cannot control his actions, and I am now just trying to focus on my children, but I'm afraid it will come back to bite me in the rear.
whichwayisup Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 Acceptance of your mistakes and your willingness to work through the pain, and deal with whatever hits you and your kids later on..Meaning live in the NOW and make each day count. Right now your kids are fine. If and when that day comes your kids get confused, feel hurt about not having their dad in their lives, do family counselling with them, so they won't let this affect them. I believe that you and your kids WILL have a normal and happy life, even if it doesn't involve their dad. You're alot stronger and wiser than you think MWC, so don't let these past hurts or anything else make you feel insecure or doubtful of what the future holds!
bentnotbroken Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 You start by accepting his forgiveness and then washing yourself in his mercy and love. You can do this. Look toward your future. Throw away the chains of the past. They only serve to hold you in place. Not able to move forward or accept what is right in your life and your children's lives. If the Devil can keep you bond in pity, anger, remorse, self hatred, you will never be of any use to God, your children, or yourself. Is that the life you desire to live? You have learned your lesson, accepted your consequences and dealt with your demons. Let it go and become the type of person who can help others avoid the same pitfalls. Your life can become a testimony to redemption of your life and the goodness that can come from any trial.
astra77 Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 You start by accepting his forgiveness and then washing yourself in his mercy and love. You can do this. Look toward your future. Throw away the chains of the past. They only serve to hold you in place. Not able to move forward or accept what is right in your life and your children's lives. If the Devil can keep you bond in pity, anger, remorse, self hatred, you will never be of any use to God, your children, or yourself. Is that the life you desire to live? You have learned your lesson, accepted your consequences and dealt with your demons. Let it go and become the type of person who can help others avoid the same pitfalls. Your life can become a testimony to redemption of your life and the goodness that can come from any trial. Amen to that BNB, i am currently trying to move forward into this phase, but its extremely hard, so i know how MWC feels. I have felt a little stuck for the past few weeks, not sure why as i have re focused, but i feel i am missing something, just not sure what. But BNB is right acceptance and ownership of your past mistakes is important, and once that has been accomplished, truely letting go is VERY hard, but it can be done. MWC you helped me so much in the early days - i know you are strong. And i can envision your success, there is a light at the end of the tunnel
jj33 Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 MWC I asked a similar question a week or so ago and got some very helpful answers if you want to look at it. For me it has been about acceptance in large part of the fact that you cant change the past. You cant undo what you did and at the time you had reasons for doing it. We all make the best decisions we can with the information we have at that moment in time. Hindsight is 20/20. Something about this man seemed right at the time. Now it is no longer right. But once you can accept responsibiity for making the choices you did and say this is my past it is not my future, it gets easier. The other thing that was helpful is accepting what needs I thought were being met by the relationship and why I chose to allow myself to enter that situation. All but a few of us felt we were crossing some sort of line when we entered into the A. We all had our rationalizations, but still a line was crossed. People dont do that easily. So there was something that the A was fulfilling. Noone stays in a situatoin that is not fulfilling some need, even if it is the lesser of a choice of evils. Also there is the issue of rejection or abandonment. In that regard the ending of the A is no different than any other relationship. The fact that someone else doesnt appreciate you the way they should doesnt diminish your value. I find it helpful to remember that I have a choice with respect to what happens in the future. I wouldnt ever allow myself to enter into that type of relationshp again. It is a lesson. It works for some people, it does not work for others. It doesnt work for me. And I learned about what sort of people I choose and how I interact with them. It was a painful but important lesson. Part of forgiving for me was being able to give up the notion that he would someday see the light and that I would have less to forgive myself for. But thanks to the posters on this board and a lot of hard thought, I came to the conclusion that what he thinks or what he does doesnt matter. I have to find that peace within myself. Everyone deserves forgiveness. You would forgive someone else so why withhold that compassion from yourself? Then of course there is the issue of the present. I spent countless hours obsessing over what ifs and whys. And the hours pass and I was not living my life. Simply making yourself go through the motions of life each day you find yourself accomplishing things and it reinforces your self esteem. You can do this without him. And you will. And you will be so much better for it. Take good care
NoIDidn't Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 "Go, and do wrong no more" Simple enough. Forgiving yourself is the hardest part, at least for me. But it can be done. Look forward to the rest of your life and make every effort not to repeat this lesson. Learn from it. Don't beat yourself up. It only serves to keep you down, frustrated, and ashamed. None of these are the feelings that a Loving Father would want for you to have.
Dark-N-Romantic Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 The hardest thing in dealing with forgiveness isn't the asking, or the giving. It is not the even the taking it. It is when we realize that we have to acknowledge ourselves as the culprit and then realizing that we harmed someone (rather or not they know it or act like it or not). We have been found guilty on the inside by our own conscience for breaking the most important of life guidelines/laws, "Do on to others as you would have them do onto you." And no matter how much forgiveness we get from everywhere else, we still have that internal judge, jury, and executioner. Now to answer your question... Yes it is a sin to hold onto something with guilt that you have supposedly asked God forgiveness for. It is as if you did not ask for it with belief and thus, He can't toss it into the lake of fire to forever be purged. Think of it like this... One of your kid has a stinky dirty sock for you to clean, he or she tells you they are going to give it to you, but every time they give it to you, for some reason they take it from you and hang onto it. So, they continue complaining about it, but what can you do until they give it to you for you to wash it? God wants you to wash you of this sin, but He can't until you are willing to forgive yourself. What are the steps to helping you find some peace with yourself so that you can be fully forgiven? 1. Remember you are human and fallible and this is why we should be overjoyed that Jesus Christ has the power to cleanse us. 2. Forgiving ourselves does not mean we forget, but we use the wrong as a tool to reshape ourselves and our lives for the better. 3. If possible and doable, talk to those you have harmed and give them an honest apology. This does not mean they have to forgive you or that they will be nice, but at least you are not hiding behind your guilt and shame. And don't turn yourself into the victim no matter how much you want to defend yourself. For example, I once stole a toy from a childhood friend. When he knew it was gone, he came to my house and asked for it back. I did feel guilty because I know it was wrong to steal, plus from someone who trusted me at that, I felt like a real heal. But, when I explained that I stole the toy because I really liked it and that I really wanted one like it (it was a Toy Box space shuttle now that I remember). We made up. Granted it was a while before I played with his space shuttle again, we did rebuild the friendship and I felt a whole lot better. And from then on, I used that memory to remind me that greed and envy are my enemies and that my material wealths are not worth the internal wealth of myself, family, and friends that I would lose. Ex-MistressWChildren... You are worthy of forgiveness. You know you deserve it and don't let the Devil (and that is all who you are dealing with right now with your guilt) fool you into holding on to that weight. God has your lifeline for you, all you need to do is grab hold and hold on as He pulls you in. Keep your head up. Think about talking to the wife (even if it is by phone or letter (just make sure she can get at least one letter to you)) and giving her your sincerest apologies and asking for forgiveness. Whatever her reply, is going to be HER reply and it is not your responsibility. Lastly, something I just thought about. When you start feeling guilt, think about the Serenity Prayer (if you don't know it, let me know and I'll post it or give it to you via PM)... The past is the past, it is unchangeable and thus out of your hands to worry about. Just use it as a point to direct your future path. DNR Stay in there, the Devil is now mad at you and wants to keep you from your blessing by bogging you down with guilt and shame, and we know he is a liar, for when God forgives you, it is forever done with and you are free and clean.
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