Ariadne Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 Sad as it is, all those things you mention are possible. One would hope not too bloody likely, but I'd just be kidding myself if I didn't see them as possibilities. Well, when you don't really love someone then yes, you can get turned off by all kind of things.
Dark-N-Romantic Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 Hello all. Here is my plight. Although we are not married yet, we have plans for it in the near future so that is why I posted in this forum. My girlfriend and I have been dating for a year and have lived together for about the same. Our relationship moved so fast because we have been friends for about 7 years so we knew each other very well. I love and care for her very much but it seems that more often than not I am not physically attracted to her. I feel awful about this because I have always taken pride in the fact that I am not superficial. However, I can't control my arousal and make myself aroused enough to have sex as much as she would like. We have sex about once a month or so. I don't know what to do. I know that if she lost weight I would be more attracted to her and want to have sex more often. But this seems so shallow, and I feel horrible for feeling this way because I still love her deeply and want to be with her. We are a good match in every other aspect, but our relationship is declining because our sex life is lacking. I seek some advice because I want to stay together. Delly, this might be hard for you to accept, but maybe you aren't that into her and that you are staying with her out of some other emotion. Yes, you do love her, you love her very much, as a friend. Things a lot of "noble minded" people like to pretend or use to shame others with preferences because either they are jealous that they settled or they just can't get what one has. We all need preferences or we would have a whole world of more craziness going on. Preferences are NOT superficial, but determining a person's worth based on something that does not mean a hill of beans (e.i. I am sure a woman would probably prefer to marry the Elephant Man who has heart of gold vice on of thousands of men who kill their spouses. Or a guy date a woman who would prefer to date a woman with a good head on her shoulders and with goals vice a woman who's intelligence is slightly above that of a tomato). We need preferences in order to narrow down the billions of people out there that could be a possible match for us. To make wise decisions about the structure of our lives and partnerships and romances. In, short, don't feel bad that you are not attracted to your girlfriend and believe me this, you will be a bigger and better man to let her go right now so that she can find a man that is fully into her, than running the risk of turning your settling into years of bitterness, hurt, pain, and abuse. And not just for you, but also for you as well. You need to make sure your stacking everything in your favor for a successful love relationship and marriage. Now, someone made a good point. If this is an issue that has surfaced before with other women. Or if this is your first girlfriend. Before you go any further, think about talking to a professional about it. Maybe there is something within you that you need to deal with and then maybe you will find the attraction you are looking for. Or maybe you might be one of hundreds of people who have a below average sex drive, this condition is treatable. Maybe there is an experience that is playing itself out in your mind and so now you shy away from being attracted to the woman you love. Or maybe you have an uncontrolled fear of sex. There are so many things to think about, but there are those out there that can probably help you out with that. DNR Blessings in finding your solution and whatever path your future holds.
Lovelybird Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 Well, when you don't really love someone then yes, you can get turned off by all kind of things. I think this is so true, but also I think few people have that kind of ability to love
soserious1 Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 Oh yeah, And then say, they get married and God forbid she gets breast cancer and has her breasts removed. Then he is going to say that he can't have sex because he is simply not aroused by women with no breasts. Just a matter of taste and the way his attraction is built up. Then, after some years she gets older and gets wrinkles. He is going to say, sorry, but my preference is for women without wrinkles. I'm not turned on by wrinkles so I can't do that anymore. And so on... I'm in process of divorce, I'm too old and ugly now to have sex according to my soon to be ex-husband.
Lovelybird Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 I'm in process of divorce, I'm too old and ugly now to have sex according to my soon to be ex-husband. don't listen to him, he isn't a god
Ariadne Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 I'm in process of divorce, I'm too old and ugly now to have sex according to my soon to be ex-husband. That sucks. Sorry about that.
soserious1 Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 I agree with the first part - don't get married. I disagree with the P.S. You already know that weight is an issue. I'm proud for you for recognizing that and trying to find some answers. There is nothing wrong with appearance / weight being a barrier as long as you know it is. I'll share something from a woman's POV. My husband claimed he loved me when we were dating. By the time we had been married five years we had both put on a lot of weight. He swore my weight didn't bother him, but he was uncomfortable with his own weight gain. Like a fool I fell for it. However by our 7th or 8th anniversary we had stopped having sex completly. He either had a headache, or HAD to watch a show on TV, or Must finish something on the computer. Or... he always had an excuse. He hadn't been the one to initiate in years anyway and nothing I did NOTHING could encourage him. We went to counseling. We dieted and exercised. Our weight went up and down together. I cried alone in the shower every day and now we've been together over 25 years and if I really concentrate and do the math I'd say its been between 15 - 17 years since we had sex and closer to 20 since he initiated any love-making. I always swore I would never resent him and would always love him, but as I passed thru my 40's and realized I was in my 20's the last time I was wanted I have developed a bitterness and resentment that is rapidly eclipsing the "undying love" I once felt for him. I don't remember what its like to be held and to trust someone. If you care for your girl, tell her this and if she hates you for it let her. Its better than her feeling she wasted her life and finding herself on the other side of 50 with no future and a past of pain. Yes, I'm still with hubby. We've become good roommates and financially we are dependent on each other, especially since in recent years he has become somewhat disabled and hasn't worked in over a dozen years. I'm too old and inellectually you may tell me that I deserve to have a life and that there is someone who will love me I am a realist and know that is not the case. I look at my marriage and the best thing I can say is "At least I'm not alone" Don't you end up this way and don't let someone you claim to love end up this way. Rip the bandage off now so you can both heal and move forward while you have time. I'm in a similar position but decided to divorce because my soon to be ex went over the top when I finally sat him down and forced frank discussion around our sexless marriage. My husband somehow has the idea that women are "finished at 50", he expected that I'd happily remain chaste, sexless but grateful and happy that I had such a loving husband, that I'd continue to be loving,kind,warm and continue to work and pay all of our bills. My refusal to accept this state of affairs led to the end. I'm losing over half of everything I worked so hard for and I'll be paying alimony,living on ramen noodles but at least I won't have a gym rat,porn loving slob sitting here telling me about how I should embrace my matronly duties and be grateful I have a husband. In the end, I couldn't look at him anymore, the situation was and still is literally eating me alive.
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