Delly678 Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 Hello all. Here is my plight. Although we are not married yet, we have plans for it in the near future so that is why I posted in this forum. My girlfriend and I have been dating for a year and have lived together for about the same. Our relationship moved so fast because we have been friends for about 7 years so we knew each other very well. I love and care for her very much but it seems that more often than not I am not physically attracted to her. I feel awful about this because I have always taken pride in the fact that I am not superficial. However, I can't control my arousal and make myself aroused enough to have sex as much as she would like. We have sex about once a month or so. I don't know what to do. I know that if she lost weight I would be more attracted to her and want to have sex more often. But this seems so shallow, and I feel horrible for feeling this way because I still love her deeply and want to be with her. We are a good match in every other aspect, but our relationship is declining because our sex life is lacking. I seek some advice because I want to stay together.
carhill Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 Get some counseling. What's your history with dating and relationships? This is the first question a counselor/psychologist will ask. Do not, I repeat, do not get married while this is still an issue. Trust me on this. P.S.---- if you are truly in love with her and attracted to her, her weight is irrelevant. Something is getting in your way, and it's not her belly
shadowplay Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 If you're not physically attracted to her you shouldn't have gone this far in the relationship. I'm not trying to scold you. You sound like a sweet guy, but you're smart enough to know that physical attraction is an essential component of a successful relationship. A few questions: 1) Why did you enter a relationship with someone you weren't attracted to? Was she thinner when you first met? Did she pursue you? 2) How overweight is she? Has she always been overweight, and is she making an effort to lose weight? 3) Are you positive that weight is the only thing hampering your attraction? Are you certain that if she lost weight you'd feel adequately aroused? 4) Have you discussed your feelings with her? 5) What were your past relationships like? Did you ever struggle with low attraction to other girlfriends? 6) How old are the two of you?
hooghie Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 Like Carhill said- DO NOT MARRY HER while this is an issue. I think you can love someone but not be in love with them and if you're not in love- the attraction just isn't there. If you were in love- her fatness wouldn't be much of an issue. Believe me- if you keep going with this- bad things will happen one day and neither of you will be fullfilled. Get out while you can or ask her to lose the weight and take it from there. I doubt her losing weight will change how you feel about her.
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 I love and care for her very much but it seems that more often than not I am not physically attracted to her... I know that if she lost weight I would be more attracted to her and want to have sex more often. You and she seriously need to talk about this, and I'm sorry - but when it comes to weight, there is no good way to talk to her that won't dissolve down into tears and anger. Her reaction will affect yours, and it will all go downhill from there. Resentment will build between the both of you and it will blow up like a bomb eventually. Neither of you are wrong. You are not attracted physically to overweight women, and there is nothing wrong with that nor should anyone push you into accepting a standard of attraction that is unnatural to you. If she is happy with herself the way she is, then there is nothing wrong with that either. She should not adjust her body to fit someone else's idea of attractiveness. Now... that said, at this point you are both right but entirely wrong for each other sexually. You cannot fulfill her needs for more frequent sex, and she cannot fulfill your need for a more physically attractive partner. So, what do you do? You have to find a third party to talk to in order to find a way for you both to be right AND right for each other. It will take some compromise on both your parts, and a willingness to set aside resentment and anger in order to reach that state. I think a visit to a premarital counselor would help in this case. Not to change either of your viewpoints, but to present them to each other by an objective third party in a clinical and controlled setting. That way you can each say how you are feeling, and your counselor will keep your reactions focused instead of reactionary and angry.
Author Delly678 Posted August 30, 2008 Author Posted August 30, 2008 Thank you both for replying so quickly. To answer all questions: I did call an old therapist this morning to set up an appt. In my history with dating I have never had this problem because I have always dated thinner women. (And not model thin. I am a curve loving man). 1) I entered this relationship because I was tired of dating women that I was attracted to physically, only to find out they were not compatible mentally. My girlfriend was heavyset when we started dating but she was losing weight and determined to do so. What I found attractive about her was her determination to do the things necessary to get the results she wanted. She wanted to lose weight and when we started dating she had lost about 20 lbs, but stopped trying once we were committed to each other. I thought she was pretty but saw that once she reached her own weight goal, that her body style would be the type I am most attracted to. And yes, she did pursue me, which I also find attractive in women. 2) She is about 5' 2" and weighs probably 160 or so. I'm not attracted to model thin women, but I hoped she would lose another 20 or 30 lbs. I still like some curves! Her weight loss was a top priority when we started dating. She was working out 4-5 days a week and became a vegetarian. Now she works out once a month or so and eats what she wants, when she wants. 3) I am certain if she lost weight I would be adequately aroused. I feel that an emotional connection is there. We have a great time together, and while she was losing weight I felt my physical attraction grow for her. Plus, she has the body style that I love. Curvy with hips and a woman's butt. I just look at her face with the double chin and can't get aroused and feel sad because of it. She has a beautiful facial bone structure but it is hidden with excess weight. 4) I tried expressing my feelings about the situation after 5 months of dating but it didn't go well at all. She almost left me, but didn't because she still loves me too. I had to tell her that I loved her and still wanted to be with her. Every once and a while she gets self-conscious about her weight and asks if the reason I don't respond to her strongly is because of it. I feel like I have to lie to her so I don't hurt her, but I know that in doing that I am anyway. I just haven't been able to tell her that "yes it still bothers me," because of her initial reaction. 5). My past relationships have been mixed. The one before her was more of a fling with no commitment. The one before that, I was attracted to her in the beginning and lost attraction when I saw what kind of person she was really. The one before that I couldn't keep my mind off her and didn't even look at other women. I wish that were the case now. I find my eye roving, though I have no desire to ruin my relationship with my current girlfriend through infidelity. I would never cheat on her.
shadowplay Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 Thank you both for replying so quickly. To answer all questions: I did call an old therapist this morning to set up an appt. In my history with dating I have never had this problem because I have always dated thinner women. (And not model thin. I am a curve loving man). 1) I entered this relationship because I was tired of dating women that I was attracted to physically, only to find out they were not compatible mentally. My girlfriend was heavyset when we started dating but she was losing weight and determined to do so. What I found attractive about her was her determination to do the things necessary to get the results she wanted. She wanted to lose weight and when we started dating she had lost about 20 lbs, but stopped trying once we were committed to each other. I thought she was pretty but saw that once she reached her own weight goal, that her body style would be the type I am most attracted to. And yes, she did pursue me, which I also find attractive in women. 2) She is about 5' 2" and weighs probably 160 or so. I'm not attracted to model thin women, but I hoped she would lose another 20 or 30 lbs. I still like some curves! Her weight loss was a top priority when we started dating. She was working out 4-5 days a week and became a vegetarian. Now she works out once a month or so and eats what she wants, when she wants. 3) I am certain if she lost weight I would be adequately aroused. I feel that an emotional connection is there. We have a great time together, and while she was losing weight I felt my physical attraction grow for her. Plus, she has the body style that I love. Curvy with hips and a woman's butt. I just look at her face with the double chin and can't get aroused and feel sad because of it. She has a beautiful facial bone structure but it is hidden with excess weight. 4) I tried expressing my feelings about the situation after 5 months of dating but it didn't go well at all. She almost left me, but didn't because she still loves me too. I had to tell her that I loved her and still wanted to be with her. Every once and a while she gets self-conscious about her weight and asks if the reason I don't respond to her strongly is because of it. I feel like I have to lie to her so I don't hurt her, but I know that in doing that I am anyway. I just haven't been able to tell her that "yes it still bothers me," because of her initial reaction. 5). My past relationships have been mixed. The one before her was more of a fling with no commitment. The one before that, I was attracted to her in the beginning and lost attraction when I saw what kind of person she was really. The one before that I couldn't keep my mind off her and didn't even look at other women. I wish that were the case now. I find my eye roving, though I have no desire to ruin my relationship with my current girlfriend through infidelity. I would never cheat on her. Thanks for the thorough answers. Has she struggled with weight all of her life? Do you feel confident that she would be able to lose weight and keep it off if she knew how important it were to you? The sad reality is most overweight people don't lose weight and keep it off, especially if they've been overweight most of their lives. More likely than not I see this being an ongoing problem in your relationship.
Author Delly678 Posted August 30, 2008 Author Posted August 30, 2008 She is in her early thirties and has been pretty fit all of her life until her mid to late twenties when she suffered a period of depression and gained about a lot of weight. She is a pretty happy person and always has been. She could lose the weight and keep it off if she wanted to. She would have to make some sacrifices to do so though. Like cutting out the fatty foods and doing what most people have to do to stay in shape. I understand goals and that one needs to make certain sacrifices in order to achieve them. She would have to do the same. She could do it, if she put her mind and time to it.
shadowplay Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 She is in her early thirties and has been pretty fit all of her life until her mid to late twenties when she suffered a period of depression and gained about a lot of weight. She is a pretty happy person and always has been. She could lose the weight and keep it off if she wanted to. She would have to make some sacrifices to do so though. Like cutting out the fatty foods and doing what most people have to do to stay in shape. I understand goals and that one needs to make certain sacrifices in order to achieve them. She would have to do the same. She could do it, if she put her mind and time to it. Well, it's encouraging that she hasn't always been overweight. If you really feel confident in her ability to lose and keep it off then I would take Carhill's suggestion about discussing it together with a counselor. Maybe go to a nutritionist with her as well, and go to the gym together or do fun, exercise oriented activities (hiking, biking, swimming, skiing). You have to let her know how important this is to you or she won't have the motivation to lose. Just expect that it will be painful to talk about and you'll have to hurt her. Your relationship will only work if she loses weight; it's as simple as that. I would also put the wedding on hold tbh.
Author Delly678 Posted August 30, 2008 Author Posted August 30, 2008 One other thing... about a month or so ago, she caught me looking at a female runner that was jogging by our house. The old topic came back, which I was kind of grateful for. She said she knew how I am a visual guy, and knew that it was important to my state of attraction. she expressed how difficult it was to lose the weight and how much pressure she feels because of it. She wanted to feel that I still found her attractive when she didn't put on makeup or was still at this weight. I thought I could encourage her weight loss and show her how much I cared for her by being loving regardless of her looks. All in all it was a promising conversation, but didn't lead to anything. I feel she understands how important it is to me but she still hasn't set it as a top priority. If she found something about me that was very unattractive to her (that I could improve by changing my decisions), I would set that as one of my top priorities.
Author Delly678 Posted August 30, 2008 Author Posted August 30, 2008 We have a hard time finding time to exercise together because she is a nursing student and I am Pre-Med. Our little time together is usually late at night when we are both tired. This would be something she would have to find time to do on her own, as I do.
carhill Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 OK, carve out an hour for therapy and an adjunct 30 minutes for a walk. That's 90 minutes a week to focus on the serious issues in your R. If both of you can't commit to that, regardless of your schedules, then a M will never work. As our psychologist says repeatedly, everyone has money problems, time problems, work problems, family problems. Next subject That means there is no excuse for working on what you both choose to be the most important thing in your life, your relationship with someone you wish to marry (or are married to, in our case). BTW, my wife is 5'1" and weighs 180 and her physicality has no bearing whatsoever on my attraction to her. I can still say she's beautiful and attractive but I don't desire her because of issues having nothing to do with those superficial things. In time, you'll understand that. I hope
Author Delly678 Posted August 30, 2008 Author Posted August 30, 2008 In time? How much? I've felt this way for about 11 months now. My fear is that it will not just "go away". I will not marry if this remains a problem. That is how I found myself in my current predicament. I started dating her with the hope that my feelings about her weight would subside because everything else feels right, and I didn't think that something so superficial should affect me. However, what I have found out about myself this last year is that weight is important to me. Excess weight just doesn't physically turn me on. It never has. There is nothing I can do to change this. I've tried self-hypnosis and reaffirming that it does turn me on. I even tried masturbating to plus size pornography to condition my physical responses. But at the end of the day, my parts just don't work that way.
stoopid_guy Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 Delly, yes, do the counseling. Postpone the wedding. Be prepared though, even if she does loose 20 lbs, there's a good chance that it's not going to stay off forever. People do tend to gain weight as they age, and all bets are off if she has a child. Also, if she feels that you find her unattractive (and she's probably already figured that out) eventually she's going to start resenting you too.
Angel1111 Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 It's not a natural state for our bodies to be overweight, so it's not surprising that it's not attractive, either. Unless she has a problem with her hormones - which she might - then there's no excuse not to lose the weight. If she does have problems with her hormones then she needs to do something about that. Being overweight is demoralizing for women so she needs to lose it as much for herself as for you. Most other guys aren't going to want to date her either while she's overweight. So it's not just you. She's just kidding herself if she thinks this isn't an issue. She knows it is and keeps testing you with questions. You gave her an honest answer and she didn't do anything about it, and then made you feel guilty. She is too young to have these kinds of problems with weight. And if it isn't a priority now, it definitely won't be when you're married, and she'll only get heavier. This is not a good situation. You need to be totally honest with her, ignore her tears and whatever other reaction she has - even if she leaves, let it be. Just spell it out for her, and be sure to let her know that at her natural weight, she is absolutely beautiful and attractive to you. But still I worry that even if she does lose the weight, she doesn't seem to get the importance of this and when you're married, she'll probably gain it back again, or will gain it when she has kids. She's showing you what she's like now, so don't be surprised when this monster rears it's ugly head once again after you're married.
carhill Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 In time? How much? Counseling will help you with that. Focus and agree, both of you, to give it a concentrated effort for a year. Put your R first for a year. No excuses. Therapy will keep you on track. If either of you is unwilling to make this simple commitment, walk away. Trust me, it's not worth the time and effort otherwise.
stoopid_guy Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 It's not a natural state for our bodies to be overweight, so it's not surprising that it's not attractive, either. I'd have to disagree with both those points. Humans have an instinctive inclination to store calories during the "rich times" to help get us through the "lean times." It's not healthy to be overweight, but it is a result of natural instincts. Some of us are also better at controlling those instincts than others. There's also a genetic component to weight, jus like practically every other physical characteristic. "Attractive" is largely defined by society. Look up the history of the word "Rubenesque." Traditional Indian Saris will reveal enough flesh to show that the wearer is well fed. There are also plenty of men who would consider 5'2" and 160 lbs attractive, or at most a non-issue. If Delly's girlfriend does not want to get down and stay down to a weight he finds attractive, she deserves the opportunity to find a guy who will find her sexually attractive as she is.
HokeyReligions Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 Do not, I repeat, do not get married while this is still an issue. Trust me on this. P.S.---- if you are truly in love with her and attracted to her, her weight is irrelevant. Something is getting in your way, and it's not her belly I agree with the first part - don't get married. I disagree with the P.S. You already know that weight is an issue. I'm proud for you for recognizing that and trying to find some answers. There is nothing wrong with appearance / weight being a barrier as long as you know it is. I'll share something from a woman's POV. My husband claimed he loved me when we were dating. By the time we had been married five years we had both put on a lot of weight. He swore my weight didn't bother him, but he was uncomfortable with his own weight gain. Like a fool I fell for it. However by our 7th or 8th anniversary we had stopped having sex completly. He either had a headache, or HAD to watch a show on TV, or Must finish something on the computer. Or... he always had an excuse. He hadn't been the one to initiate in years anyway and nothing I did NOTHING could encourage him. We went to counseling. We dieted and exercised. Our weight went up and down together. I cried alone in the shower every day and now we've been together over 25 years and if I really concentrate and do the math I'd say its been between 15 - 17 years since we had sex and closer to 20 since he initiated any love-making. I always swore I would never resent him and would always love him, but as I passed thru my 40's and realized I was in my 20's the last time I was wanted I have developed a bitterness and resentment that is rapidly eclipsing the "undying love" I once felt for him. I don't remember what its like to be held and to trust someone. If you care for your girl, tell her this and if she hates you for it let her. Its better than her feeling she wasted her life and finding herself on the other side of 50 with no future and a past of pain. Yes, I'm still with hubby. We've become good roommates and financially we are dependent on each other, especially since in recent years he has become somewhat disabled and hasn't worked in over a dozen years. I'm too old and inellectually you may tell me that I deserve to have a life and that there is someone who will love me I am a realist and know that is not the case. I look at my marriage and the best thing I can say is "At least I'm not alone" Don't you end up this way and don't let someone you claim to love end up this way. Rip the bandage off now so you can both heal and move forward while you have time.
shadowplay Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 Wow, HR. That's one of the most depressing things I've ever read on LS.
Ariadne Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 her physicality has no bearing whatsoever on my attraction to her. I can still say she's beautiful and attractive I agree. If I were that girl I'd dump that guy immediately. Oh, we are living together but I won't touch you because you are not pretty. This guy doesn't love that girl at all. Not one bit. I'd say not to get married unless they want to make each other miserable. This is not going to change.
carhill Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 HR, you may be surprised to hear this, but I understand and respect your POV. It reminds me that, even amongst our gender, men can and are wired completely differently. I don't derive attraction from physicality, but many, if not most, men do. Perhaps that's the difference. The OP stated clearly that he's not physically attracted to his GF. He has two choices. Either he can change her (or more precisely, she can change) or he can change himself. If, for him, attractiveness is derived from appearance primarily, that's his truth and he must accept it or seek to change his perspective voluntarily. A psychologist can help him with that. Personally, I know, near the ripe old age of 50, my perspective has changed little from when I was young and I suspect the OP's perspective will likely remain static as well. Such a perspective perhaps is why some older men trade their wives in on younger, more physically attractive females. I don't believe in that, but apparently many men do. Is it right? Well, for them, it is. OP, I think, if you take my advice and suggest a combined program of counseling and shared mild exercise, and your GF and you make time for it, you'll see marked changes in only a matter of a few months. The worst you'll have done is spend some money and worn a couple pairs of shoes out, right?
Ruby Slippers Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 This is a tricky situation. You began the relationship pretty much knowing she would have to change for you to be happy with her long term. And you know what they say about trying to change somebody (or expecting that she will do it on her own). Did you discuss this in the beginning of your relationship? I think you're going to have to let her know how important it is to you somehow. Maybe there's an indirect way that is less likely to hurt her feelings than coming right out and saying it. Every once and a while she gets self-conscious about her weight and asks if the reason I don't respond to her strongly is because of it. I think the next time this happens, you should take the opportunity to confirm her suspicion, in as gentle a way as possible.
Ronni_W Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 I've tried self-hypnosis and reaffirming that it does turn me on. I even tried masturbating to plus size pornography to condition my physical responses. But at the end of the day, my parts just don't work that way. All that stuff is crazy! And you don't need counseling to change a preference that you, yourself, are comfortable with. There's nothing wrong with having a preference EVEN IF others would call it "superficial" or whatever else. OTOH, how do you feel about pregnant women? Or are you planning not to have children? Cos for that kind of reason you may want to get counseling (before you get whomever pregnant, if pregnancy may pose a problem for you.) In your current predicament, what you need to do is accept that this woman is fat, you are not into fat women, and therefore this one just does not turn you on. There is nothing wrong with that, other than not just admitting it to yourself and saying it out loud to her. Well. You don't actually "NEED" to do that. But doing it will solve your current problem. It will also mean finding a new ideal mate, but that is the result of your preference. Because you're right...it won't "just go away". Even if she loses the weight now, it could reappear with her next bout of depression or, like I said, when she gets pregnant. The difficulty is because you've been afraid to express your preference and that lack of assertiveness is now biting you in your butt. And you are correct, too, that IF SHE DESIRES to lose the weight (if you ever get around to telling her that her current weight is a deal-breaker), she needs to make the all the major efforts and adjustments, and ought not to expect you to jog along beside her. Yes, that would be great if you could be as supportive and encouraging as possible, but it's fine to keep some healthy limits about that. Also to note that just stopping intake of fatty foods and a 30-minute a week walk ain't gonna do a thing to lose "about a lot of weight" that you say she has gained. You asked "how long" -- healthy, permanent weight loss 2 to 4 pounds a week. But Lawd, I am curious: Wot on earth are you affirming? "I actually love fat women...Fat women really make me hard"? Do you see how absurd that is when someone else says it? Please. If you love this woman and want to marry her and spend the rest of your life with her...do something realistic and reasonable. Have a talk with her. Tell her what ALL your deal-breakers are. Find out what hers are. But do stop the insanity!
Ariadne Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 There's nothing wrong with having a preference EVEN IF others would call it "superficial" or whatever else. Oh yeah, And then say, they get married and God forbid she gets breast cancer and has her breasts removed. Then he is going to say that he can't have sex because he is simply not aroused by women with no breasts. Just a matter of taste and the way his attraction is built up. Then, after some years she gets older and gets wrinkles. He is going to say, sorry, but my preference is for women without wrinkles. I'm not turned on by wrinkles so I can't do that anymore. And so on...
Ronni_W Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 he can't have sex because he is simply not aroused by women with no breasts. ... sorry, but my preference is for women without wrinkles. And so on... Sad as it is, all those things you mention are possible. One would hope not too bloody likely, but I'd just be kidding myself if I didn't see them as possibilities. Point for OP, though, is that his preference is staring him in the face groin as I am typing this. He gets to choose right now, not based on some future anxiety of his that may or may not come to pass.
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