The "peter pan" women here don't know the simple rule of economics

[FrankBlack]

Resources are finite.

 

Indeed, from reading their posts you may believe that there are an infinite supply of decent men. Not so, there are a finite amount and they are being competed for.

 

This means women have to make a realistic choice about their partner and what they can attract. The fact is, a woman in her 30's is going past the prime of her fertility. In fact, any woman serious about having children probably has already chosen to find a stable environment for raising children by this age. Otherwise what has she been doing with her time?

 

Well adjusted women chose not to spend their time on casual affairs and settled for a good choice of stable male long ago. It is no good being a female in your 30's, and STILL looking for some stud as your lifelong partner, this will not work at all. Often the women who have this unrealistic approach and peter pan syndrome haven't quite climbed down from their pedestal yet, still believing that they are the young carefree woman because they can't accept that those times are over. Well guess what, those times are over, they were over long ago, and if you can't let go then you are ill equipped to deal with the different seasons of life.

 

We all grow old and picking the casual immature men as partners means you grow old alone. So either grow up, accept it, and pick the right men realistically or you'll still be living in this alternate dimension in a few years playing the 18 year old college girl type. And believe me, it's not attractive at all to the decent males for a woman in her 30's to be acting this way.

[carhill]

Ah, good men are a commodity. I was trying to understand the "economics" angle.

 

Another interesting dynamic is whether women hold on to a good man, even if they don't love him, to keep him out of the marketplace, because he provides safety and security. I really wonder how much of that goes on.

 

This sounds like a recycled version of some recent threads so you might expect similar vitriol from the ladies here. Good luck with that

[norajane]

And believe me, it's not attractive at all to the decent males for a woman in her 30's to be acting this way.

 

Sounds a little like sour grapes from a guy who's not getting much attention from women.

 

You're a day late and a dollar short, buddy. This topic has been done to death already in the last week.

[FrankBlack]

Sounds a little like sour grapes from a guy who's not getting much attention from women.

 

You're a day late and a dollar short, buddy. This topic has been done to death already in the last week.

 

That's quite an assumption you're making there! I've been happily married for just under 3 years. And that's because after my carefree youthful days, I stopped prizing stunning looks or crazy sex. I found a decent partner that could make a marriage work with me. In short, a good woman.

 

You should look at the argument itself and not the motivation behind it.

 

Perhaps this topic has been repeatedly discussed, but I'm simply astounded to see such collective immaturity from women in their 30's. I do expect this from women up until their mid 20's that are finding out what's important in life. But surely after a decade of washed out relationships it's not so hard to realise that intangible things such as a deep connection or intense chemistry provides no stable base for a relationship? It can't be difficult to realise that the decent men will prize less frivolous attributes?

[Trialbyfire]

The Peter Pan syndrome has nothing to do with your entire opening post. It might help to read up on what it's all about.

 

Beyond that, it appears that many of the women in their 30's on this board, aren't having any problems getting dates. Where they differ is that they're realistic enough not to settle, as defined by discarding or bartering away their needs, within a relationship. Needs not met, creates resentments that build v. diminish over time.

 

Btw, there seriously are plenty of men out there!

[Tomcat33]

Ah, good men are a commodity. I was trying to understand the "economics" angle.

 

:laugh: Me TOO! And the Peter Pan syndrome, what does that have to do with the prices of tea in China?

 

I see tumbledweed.....

 

 

 

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz yaaaawwwn!

 

 

That's quite an assumption you're making there! I've been happily married for just under 3 years. And that's because after my carefree youthful days, I stopped prizing stunning looks or crazy sex. I found a decent partner that could make a marriage work with me. In short, a good woman.

it's not so hard to realise that intangible things such as a deep connection or intense chemistry provides no stable base for a relationship? It can't be difficult to realise that the decent men will prize less frivolous attributes?

 

 

You settled, in other words. Are you here to teach people a lesson on what they should do in terms of settling?

See you in the Infidelity Forum in a few years when you realise "I love her but I am not IN LOVE with her, and I cheated" :laugh::laugh:

[Tomcat33]

Furthermore, if you are happily newlywed what the heck are you doing on a dating advice forum?

[norajane]

That's quite an assumption you're making there! I've been happily married for just under 3 years. And that's because after my carefree youthful days, I stopped prizing stunning looks or crazy sex. I found a decent partner that could make a marriage work with me. In short, a good woman.

 

You should look at the argument itself and not the motivation behind it.

 

And so, happy in your marriage to a good woman, you just decided to register on Loveshack today just to share your wisdom with us poor, misguided souls?

 

How kind of you.

[Ronni_W]

Ah, good men are a commodity. I was trying to understand the "economics" angle.

No, no, silly! Good WOMBS are the commodity. Sheesh, can't you read? Or maybe it's my interpretation that is all snafu'd.

 

OP sounds very, er, "closely related' to that other guy, no? Or is that just me.

[FrankBlack]

TriaByFire, I'm intrigued. What exactly are someones needs that prevent them finding a partner after 15-20 years of adult dating??

 

Tomcat you seem to believe love is something that happens rather than is created. I am of course in love with my wife because it is something we have created between us.

 

Take a look at other peoples relationships that work over the long term. Are they perfect? Do they have to work at it?

 

You can insult me all you like, I'm the one that's in a happy relationship

[Trialbyfire]

Before I get into the "needs" not met, can you explain what makes your relationship work and why you consider your wife a good woman?

[shadowplay]

So in other words you settled and are trying to justify your life choice by raining on the parade of people who chose a different path. I can see why people who didn't settle might cause you some pesky cognitive dissonance.

 

Interesting how these arguments almost always come from men. Why? Because they feel threatened.

[Tomcat33]

Before I get into the "needs" not met, can you explain what makes your relationship work and why you consider your wife a good woman?

 

Good question!!

 

 

Tomcat you seem to believe love is something that happens rather than is created. I am of course in love with my wife because it is something we have created between us.

 

No I believe attraction happens and then love happens and then a relationship and the love in that relationships is sustained via hard work.

Very different than making youself love someone which it appears that is what you felt you had to do from the get-go.

 

I do not believe love is made, no way. That is the defeatist attitude of people who settle. "I chose to be attracted to this person"

And you more than likely did. 10 yrs from now when you wake up and realise you really don't have the connection you yern for as the animals that we are (intrinsically speaking) is when you realise "I love them but not in love with them and never really did love them" which in essence speaks of attraction and less about love, because I can love my friend but that doesn't mean I am sexually attracted to them.

 

Take a look at other peoples relationships that work over the long term. Are they perfect? Do they have to work at it?

 

Not talking about perfection in a relationship, talking about attraction.

 

You can insult me all you like, I'm the one that's in a happy relationship

 

If you are so happy in your relationship why are you registered to a site for people exchangin dating advice?!?!? What even brought you here? Writing a book or something?

 

To me it smells more of "I bit the bullet and now I need to bring others down with me" Marriage is not for everyone, and not everyone wants desperately to be tied down in the sanctity of the institution. I don't even think you ARE married but whatev...

 

 

This kind of reminds me of the Mormons that followed me on the street the other day that I had to tell 5 times "I am Catholic I don't WANT another religion and I like being catholic thanks".

[LucreziaBorgia]

I'm simply astounded to see such collective immaturity from women in their 30's. I do expect this from women up until their mid 20's that are finding out what's important in life. But surely after a decade of washed out relationships it's not so hard to realise that intangible things such as a deep connection or intense chemistry provides no stable base for a relationship? It can't be difficult to realise that the decent men will prize less frivolous attributes?

 

 

In these times of "fifty is the new thirty" its not too surprising.

 

People are on the dating scene in increasingly older ages, and older women are being pushed as sex symbols by the media (examples like Demi Moore, Madonna, Helen Mirren (I hope that I look that good in a bikini when I'm her age), etc) but it seems targeted to women primarily as a sort of 'feel good about yourself' sort of thing. Men for the most part are still chasing their younger counterparts: the Kiera Knightleys, the Megan Foxes, etc. You won't see Madonna or Demi, or any woman over the age of 35 (usually anyway) on the cover of Maxim or FHM regardless of how 'hot' the latest tabloid would make them out to be.

 

Jen Aniston would be the face of this sort of thing I guess: older, attractive, but unlucky in relationships, and on the look competing for men with women a decade or so younger than herself. (Just speculation - no one knows for sure what her story is, and this is merely based on surface perception).

 

That said, women aren't the only 'peter pans' out there. There are millions of men out there who don't want to marry, and won't date women who are over twenty five, under a 7HB, or have kids. George Clooney would be the poster boy for that, I suppose.

 

The truly decent men are generally overlooked. Some women want to be seen as valuable as their younger competitors - someone who is prized and chased by the George Clooneys of the world, rather than Joe Normal who just wants to settle down with a decent woman. These women want to be seen as stunning, sexy, etc - not as 'decent' usually (though plenty would be and are happy being 'decent' - I fit in that category, being as far from 'stunning' as one can get )

 

Some people would see what you are doing as settling, more or less. They don't want to settle for what works: they want that grand romance, the soul mate, the sexy man who chooses them - all mostly fictional ideas that are sold as a package deal by the major media: magazines, dating books, television, etc.

 

Now, that is not meant to blanket all women or men - just a look at a facet, I guess.

[FrankBlack]

TrialByFire, the main thing that makes our marriage work is a promise to each other to create a satisifying marriage. After all, that's what it is a partnership. The hard times you work through, the good times you enjoy.

What makes her a good woman, how long have you got? She has a good level of esteem and respect for herself, that's the main thing...this isn't based on "hey i just look so damn good today" this is based on the good things she does... I grew out of fickle women a long time ago.

 

There's many many people we are compatible with and have a good relationship, settling is about just choosing one. You just have to bite that bullet

[FrankBlack]

Lucrezia I agree there are many men that are the same. The thing is men like Clooney already know and admit what they are. It would be better if women just admitted it too rather than creating a complex argument about how they can't find a partner.

[Tomcat33]

And in case you have forgotten we, women no longer live off of men, we make our careers pave our own paths and are completely independant. From a young age now women are told they need to get an education, they need to be successful they need to find a career that will afford them a comfortable lifestyle and when we finish university by the time we are 23-25 we are ready to embark on our professional lives. If you think about it and by your theory of a woman is over the hill over 30, we only seriously have 5 yrs to explore a mature relationship as well as build our careers and lives.

 

Women don't need men anymore which is why we work on our own lives in our 20s and are ready to settle down in our 30's AS IT SHOULD BE.

 

A woman or even a man marrying at 24 is a baby. A woman marrying in her 30's not only has the life experience to sustain a more mature outlook on marriage they are still 100% fertile, women are having babies well into their 40's (WELL into their early 40's) and there is no real sense to hurry up and get tied down in our 20's. "Certain men" resent this because now it is not them who calls the shots in terms of the mate selection it is women who are also choosing what they want and need VS what they don't.

 

In the 50's women HAD to get married out of necessity, who would support them otherwise? Now we don't HAVE to, biologically speaking we are still capable of forming a family well into the fourth decade of our lives so why should we?

 

Sorry you settled. Good luck!

[Trialbyfire]

Frank, what do you need to have a satisfying marriage?

[FrankBlack]

Lucrezia I liked your post and agree with what you said. There are many men out there that are peter pans, the thing is on the whole these men like Clooney openly admit to it. Women would be better off taking their lead instead of creating some complex argument about it.

[FrankBlack]

Frank, what do you need to have a satisfying marriage?

 

Two partners that agree to make it so as I said. You seem to be looking for something more complex when it is not the case.

[Tomcat33]

Excuse me but you are talking about a Hollywood actor, a successful very good looking one at that, one that is a self-professed player because he can be, to whom? To what? What is this parallel you are trying to make? Ever since man has reason the more successful and good looking a person is the more options they have the less they are likely to settle for anyone.

[Kamille]

And you are here rehashing this same old topic out of the benevolence of your own heart - because you happen to know what my life experience is and what my expectations are based on the simple fact that I'm a single 32 year old woman?

 

What you're doing is called stereotyping. And, aside from some kind of PUA propaganda, I don't see what your point is.

 

Now if you would like to post an actual problem that you have - instead of assuming that I have any, maybe we can have a discussion.

[FrankBlack]

And in case you have forgotten we, women no longer live off of men, we make our careers pave our own paths and are completely independant. From a young age now women are told they need to get an education, they need to be successful they need to find a career that will afford them a comfortable lifestyle and when we finish university by the time we are 23-25 we are ready to embark on our professional lives. If you think about it and by your theory of a woman is over the hill over 30, we only seriously have 5 yrs to explore a mature relationship as well as build our careers and lives.

 

Women don't need men anymore which is why we work on our own lives in our 20s and are ready to settle down in our 30's AS IT SHOULD BE.

 

A woman or even a man marrying at 24 is a baby. A woman marrying in her 30's not only has the life experience to sustain a more mature outlook on marriage they are still 100% fertile, women are having babies well into their 40's (WELL into their early 40's) and there is no real sense to hurry up and get tied down in our 20's. "Certain men" resent this because now it is not them who calls the shots in terms of the mate selection it is women who are also choosing what they want and need VS what they don't.

 

In the 50's women HAD to get married out of necessity, who would support them otherwise? Now we don't HAVE to, biologically speaking we are still capable of forming a family well into the fourth decade of our lives so why should we?

 

Sorry you settled. Good luck!

 

 

Life is short. You cannot change the underlying law of nature to suit your argument. Women who have children in their late 20's early 30's are more equipped for motherhood because of the amount of energy they have and their fertility rate.

 

You can ignore these rules if you want but you risk a lot in the process. If you think that risk is worth it then you accept those consequences and live with them. You don't have to do anything of course, but someone with a mature outlook generally accepts the compromises they have to make in life. Those with the peter pan attitude just do not want to accept this at all.

[Trialbyfire]

Two partners that agree to make it so as I said. You seem to be looking for something more complex when it is not the case.

In order to understand functional and dysfunctional relationships, you have to understand the dynamics that meet your needs in a relationship. If you don't understand the dynamics or your own personal needs, you'll hit crisis point one day with someone who shocks you with a different core belief or value.

 

When you hit this point, three things happen:

1. Many people bend over due to being blinded by emotions and the duration already invested, which can easily build resentments which fester over time.
   
2. Many people reach what they believe is a compromise but isn't really one, since resentments build again. This is more a technical stalemate, where it's swept under the carpet.
   
3. Many people walk due to sheer disbelief that their partner is, as based on their requirements, amoral.
   

In situation 1 and 2, when resentments fester, they manifest themselves in many other ways.

 

Relationships aren't simple, unless you've found someone who's compatible in more ways than not. You can work and work and work, but at the end of the day, if you're bending over and compromising for another partner, more than being happy and satisfied in a relationship, you're wasting precious time.

 

You say you're happy and fulfilled in this relationship, so once again, what meets your needs in a relationship, including what makes her a good woman?

[FrankBlack]

And you are here rehashing this same old topic out of the benevolence of your own heart - because you happen to know what my life experience is and what my expectations are based on the simple fact that I'm a single 32 year old woman?

 

What you're doing is called stereotyping. And, aside from some kind of PUA propaganda, I don't see what your point is.

 

Now if you would like to post an actual problem that you have - instead of assuming that I have any, maybe we can have a discussion.

 

I do think manhywomen here "want it all"

 

Simple fact is you can't.

 

If you are in your 30's, female, and want children, but can't find a partner after years of dating, then yes you do want too much, stereotyping or not.