nyr81 Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 so i went out on a first date with this girl..she said she had a great time. she asked me to call her the next day which i did..asked her if she would like to go out next weekend. when i tried to firm something up a few days after that she canceled. a week goes by and i text her friday and ask her if she would like to do something on saturday. she replays on email and says sorry i didnt get back to you i was watching a movie and didnt have my phone with me.. but that's it! what is going on here? should i tell her today that she didnt actually answer my question about going out?
reservoirdog1 Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 You handle her mind games by turning them back on her. You`re on the verge of doing what most guys would do in this situation -- chasing her. And you don`t want to start doing that. She completely blew you off once, and then specifically didn`t respond to your question about getting together again. This may well mean that she`s not interested. But let`s go on the assumption that she`s playing games. So, DON`T call her. Leave it for her to call you. And when she does, act totally cool and friendly, don`t act pissy about her giving you the runaround. If she expresses interest in you two getting together again, tell her ``well, this week I`ve got X night free...`` If she can`t do that night, tell her ``hey, that`s too bad... let`s chat later and shoot for next week sometime.`` That way you`re making her have to fit into YOUR busy schedule. Suddenly you`re the rare commodity, not her. And if she`s interested in you, next week she`ll do her damnedest to be available on the night you suggest. And if she doesn`t call you at all, then she wasn`t really interested anyway, and you`ve lost nothing. And saved your dignity in the process.
Ronni_W Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 Nyr, there's no good news for you in how she's treated you. She probably did have a great time on your first date, but it doesn't seem as if she is interested enough in getting to know you any better than she does right now. I agree with Carhill...you can move on, knowing that you aren't losing anyone's interest and affection. Carhill. " Three cats and a pup" <LOL>. You really ARE an innocent, are you not? Too sweet
carhill Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 Carhill. " Three cats and a pup" <LOL>. You really ARE an innocent, are you not? Too sweet I play it well, yes? I find women to be worthy opponents in the mind games realm. Men bore me
coffeemaker Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 In situations like these, I've learned to apply the DO NOTHING principle. Don't call her, don't email her, and just move on. I would simply assume she's not interested. If she happened to call, and wanted to meet up, then as reservoirdog1 suggested, fit meeting up with her into YOUR busy schedule and play it cool. If a woman flakes on me in that way, i.e. expresses interest, and subsequently cancels w/o good reason, they don't get another chance. Integrity is kind of a big thing for me. If you can't follow through, I don't have time for you.
Star Gazer Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 You can't TEXT a girl on Friday for a date on Saturday and expect her to respond favorably.
Author nyr81 Posted August 30, 2008 Author Posted August 30, 2008 fair enough, but the work before i had asked well in advance. i would think that if she is responding at all to my messages that the interest is still there? i mean wouldnt she just give me the cold shoulder if she werent interested anymore?
norajane Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 i mean wouldnt she just give me the cold shoulder if she werent interested anymore? It's the other way around. If she were interested, she'd be making the time to go out with you since you've asked her twice already.
Author nyr81 Posted August 30, 2008 Author Posted August 30, 2008 also, when i have called her twice this week to talk she has answered the phone.
Author nyr81 Posted August 30, 2008 Author Posted August 30, 2008 but if she werent interested and wanted me to take a hike..why would still still talk email and text with me?
norajane Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 but if she werent interested and wanted me to take a hike..why would still still talk email and text with me? Some people are too polite to tell you to take a hike directly, so they take your calls but will not go out with you, hoping that you get the message. Or she could be enjoying the attention as an ego boost. Either way, if she has not gone out with you again even though you've asked her twice, she is NOT interested in you.
carhill Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 OP, it's probably an ego feed. Puppet on a string. As I said, dry hole. Spend your energy on a better located gusher.
coffeemaker Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 maybe she likes the attention? maybe she's a "nice" girl and doesn't like confrontation? maybe x? maybe y? who knows? people are complicated. without knowing her well and knowing the circumstances that govern her life, you'll never really understand what drives her behavior. if she wanted to see you she, she would make more of an effort. I tend to think it really is just that simple. So don't beat yourself up trying to dissect her actions. kick back, relax, and see if she initiates contact with you in the mean time, just move on...
Author nyr81 Posted August 30, 2008 Author Posted August 30, 2008 i understand you're point. however, what if i kinda call her out on her games. tell her i need to know where she stands. shouldnt that give me a definite answer?
carhill Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 Dude, she still has you. You're not going to win. You never will. Only thing you can do is save your balls and your sanity for a better located opportunity.
Trialbyfire Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 I like the idea of calling her out on her actions but in a non-hostile, non-aggressive manner. Just say to her "Hey, since you've turned me down twice, I get the feeling you're not interested in dating me. If so or not, let me know. Beyond that, I had a great time on our first date and thought you did too. If you don't respond, I'll assume you're not interested. Take care. :)"
coffeemaker Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 Having done the non-aggressive confrontation thing, I would not recommended it. You will probably just hear another excuse or "lets just be friends." Either way, I doubt you'll like it. And in fact, your mind will simply replay the conversation over and over again. Pardon the cliche, but talk is cheaper. Judge people by their actions. You have your answer. Her actions (lack of responsiveness) are your answer.
KinAZ Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 If you call her out on any games in an aggressive way, that may be taken not only negatively, but also as an EMOTIONAL response. I say, don't do it, unless you do it in a lighthearted way. You can ask her once more to confirm, and if it's the same thing, just back off. While it may be mind games, I always like to give people the benefit of the doubt, as we can jump to conclusions when our feelings/egos are on the line. Just try to move on. If you want, just tell her that she seems to be too busy for you, and that you're gonna try your luck elsewhere or something.
reservoirdog1 Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 i understand you're point. however, what if i kinda call her out on her games. tell her i need to know where she stands. shouldnt that give me a definite answer? No no no no... you're thinking about this the wrong way. Telling her "you need to know where she stands" does nothing except make you sound desperate, no matter how you say it. Your goal is to make her want to see you again, and doing what you propose above will have the opposite effect -- and strip away your dignity in the process. The way you make her want to see her is to make her think that getting to see you is something she has to work for. Attractive women aren't used to that. They're used to guys pursuing them and tripping all over themselves for them. Suddenly, here's a guy who's really busy, has his own life, seems casual and cool, and comes across like somebody who has so much going on in his life that he doesn't have to chase her. That'll throw her for a loop, and make her curious -- "why is this guy so busy? What's he got going on in his life that's more important than seeing me? He's different from the usual drooling idiots who come on to me everywhere I go! I'm intrigued!"
Star Gazer Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 I like the idea of calling her out on her actions but in a non-hostile, non-aggressive manner. Just say to her "Hey, since you've turned me down twice, I get the feeling you're not interested in dating me. If so or not, let me know. Beyond that, I had a great time on our first date and thought you did too. If you don't respond, I'll assume you're not interested. Take care. :)" Good idea.
Trialbyfire Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 Good idea. Thanks. From the perspective of a woman, I would see this as respectful but not desperate. If I were interested, I would set his mind to rest and tell him I do want to go out with him. To try to switch roles, then the response to me from the guy, would be to define a date and time within this week. It puts the ball in my court, forcing me to piss or get off the pot. If I wasn't interested, he gives me an easy out of non-response. Regardless, I would still respond and tell him while I enjoyed our first date, I didn't think it would work. Not all women will respond though and if so, the guy has his answer.
daphne Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 I agree with coffee and other poster who mentioned confrontation would look desperate and emotional. Having been called out on lack of responsiveness to a friend's advances in this way, I pretty much withdrew altogether. I thought the guy was a little too pushy and desperate. Women that don't say no but don't say yes are saying no. They don't want to hurt your feelings or bruise your ego. It doesn't mean they're playing headgames. Sometimes they are, but this situation doesn't sound like it. I would just move on if i were you.
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