Heartbroken after breakup 4 days ago

[fsmo]

Hi, this is my first post on here although i have been reading other posts for quite a while and think this site is excellent.

 

3 months ago i met this beautiful girl off a dating website. Within a week we arranged our first date. We met at a wine bar with both of us not having any expectations of anything really happening (as they often dont on dates) but from the first moment we saw each other and chatted both our minds were totally blown away. Halfway through the date we were holding hands and we sat up in her car talking and kissing until 4.00 am in the morning. The next day we texted and chatted on MSN and we both admitted that our minds were blown away by what happened and we agreed to become a couple. We both said although we never really believed in love at first sight that it could be the only explanation for the incredible feelings that had come over us.

 

We were texting constantly and expressing our feelings to each other and 2 days after the date having read the signals she was giving out as well as my own i told her that i had fell in love. She admitted it too and we were both really glad. We agreed to date 2 times a week so as not to risk burnout but we were in constant contact everyday sending up to 150 texts a week each. We were both on a massive high. At the age of 29 she had never been in love before and always believed she was not the type to fall in love. After 3 weeks we slept together and beforehand we had both promised each other not to be disappointed if it was a let down as 1st times often are. It turned out to be earth shattering for both of us and she had 5 orgasms over 12 hours. She has said previously that she had never had good sex before, wasnt very liberated and didnt really enjoy it so i guessed i must have blew her mind completely.

 

On our first night together (3 weeks after meeting) we had chatted and 'come clean' to each other about certain personal issues that we wasnt aware of and could have caused a problem. I told her that i had 2 young kids who lived with me and i had temporarily quit my job as an IT Consultant to look after them until they were both in school fulltime in Sept when i would return to work. I told that i had plenty of good savings to keep me going until then. She told me she had an IVA caused by bank loans for solicitor fees from a 3 year custody battle with her ex. We both said we were comfortable with both problems and it wouldnt change anything. I also told her that although i was living at my parents house after splitting from my ex 4 months earlier that me and my ex had a house together that was up for sale but that the ex was still living there and was making the house hard to sell but that when it was sold i would have around £10k to put away for our future together. Unfortunately what i didnt mention to her out of embarrassment and stigma was that because the ex was making the sale difficult and i was the only one paying it that i had stopped the mortgage payments and was considering having the house repossessed as i saw no other way out. I was undecided what to tell her so i left it whilst i decided the best way.

 

5 weeks into the relationship she proposed to me but due to the amazing feelings we had gone through it just felt natural. So we decided to consider ourselves engaged and i said i would save for a ring. So up until the start of this week things continued to go well. My ex gave me a bit of grief last week and i began to tell my girl what had happened but i told her i had changed my mind and that i didnt want to taint my bright future with her with my crap past and that soon enough the ex would be out my life. She reassured me that i could tell her anything and that she would not judge me so i told her about the grief and she was ok and helpful to me about it.

 

Anyway the problem started this week. We were chatting online 2 days before my birthday and she asked how the house sale was going. I told her not well and that i was taking legal action to force the sale which i also was. She then began to make off track suggestions of how i could get the ex out of the house so i decided this was the right time to tell the full truth (with the added confidence after her telling me i could tell her anything and she would not judge me) that i hadnt paid the mortgage for 4 months and the chances are the house will be repossessed. Straight away her tone changed, she was furious and said i had let her down by not being straight from the start, and that i had given her false hopes and dreams. She accused me of being a liar, dishonest and misleading her. She shut down from being online and sent me a text saying that we were over and to not contact her. I was devasted and could not believe she meant it after what we had been through. I could not sleep so i sent her 6 texts trying to defend myself over what had happened. This just made her more angry and she ignored me except to confirm that i was not the person she thought i was and not what she wanted. She has since text me to say that she is going to change her mobile number.

 

I have been heartbroken ever since. Im sure if one of my own kids died i would not feel any worse. I have not eaten for 3 days. I have wrote her several heart felt emails in hope of making her see sense and change her mind because i figure that if she was completely honest about her true love for me as i had for her that it is impossible just to cut me out her life and change so fast. Only last week she was asking me how i saw us in 5 years time (i told her we would be living together within a year, married by 2010, living comfortable, our own mortage in 5 years and so many happy memories, even a child together if we both wanted). I asked her why she asked and she said because she loves hearing me tell her. She was constantly telling me she loved me more than life itself. How can she propose to me but then just change like that? She has told me that she did love me but now she cant. I asked her if she still loved me and she said 'i cant'. I asked her again saying that 'cant' is different to 'no' and she eventually said 'no'. I refuse to believe this is true as i know she felt the same love as me and i could not change like that. I would have forgiven her for anything she would have told me.

 

Its been 4 days now and i know she wont contact me as she has admitted to being very stubborn and that her way of being angry is to either say nasty things she doesnt mean or give the silent treatment. Im sure i can change her mind. She is a huge fan of the book and film 'Memoirs of a Geisha' so i have just purchased this special photo book of the film and the book on audio cassette for her car. Im gonna post them to her house which she should get before next weekend along with a note to say i will be waiting at the wine bar we met on our first date next Sat at 21.00 and asking her to meet me there to talk.

 

Im keen for other peoples opinions on what happened. My mate and my mom both said that although i should have been 100% straight from the start (even though 3 months is not long to tell everything) that she if she felt that much for me she could have been more understanding.

 

I just dont know what to do. I cant get her out my mind. Its like im so hurt but she doesnt feel a thing and is so cold hearted.

 

Was what i done so worthy of being dumped so cruely and seemingly without a second thought?

[Treasa]

1. Some women are after men for their money/possessions. I'm willing to bet that was the case here.

2. After such a short time, you seriously wouldn't feel any worse if one of your children died??

3. Women can - and do - fake orgasms.

 

I recommend you count yourself lucky, go give your kids a hug, and take your time getting to know the next one. And be honest from the get go.

[fsmo]

I texted her just and said "Please dont take this the wrong way. I am not like other men who you have told me about who have let you down. I never meant to cause you sorrow or pain by my thoughtlessness. I just wanted to be the best man you had ever had in your life, protect you and treat you as you deserved. I love you Nicola, always have, always will. I love you"

 

She then relied back to me for the first time since and said "Will you please give me a break. You are invading every part of my life. My work email, my mobile phone at home, my home email and coming to my house. Dont you understand i need some space! If you think for 1 second im going to break under your constant pressue you are only making things 100 times worse. Im busy trying to do 3 work assignments and need some peace. I will speak to you in the week now just give me some time."

 

 

Although she makes it sound like i have been constantly pressurising her i only texted her quite a bit in the 1st 24 hours. I went to her house once to try and talk and have emailed her 3 times in the 3 days since. That is all in the 6 days since she dumped me. She made things worse for me by hardly giving me any response or feedback. She certainly never mentioned anything about space or else that would have been granted instantly. I was just left to go out of my mind with worry after being totally blanked.

 

I know what the obvious response now is and that is to not even reply to that text and say "ok" but just to leave her to speak with me. I wondered if anyone had any alternative advice to give on this that i might not be aware of. I also realise that if she does come around that im going to feel like a lame duck with no power forever in her gratitude and im worried about that (although we both agreed at the start we both hated playing games).

 

Any replies or advice received is much appreciated

[fsmo]

1. Some women are after men for their money/possessions. I'm willing to bet that was the case here.

2. After such a short time, you seriously wouldn't feel any worse if one of your children died??

 

Hi Treasa. I know that that is some wild comment but i seriously could not imagine the pain inside could feel any worse. Its been overwhelming as i guess alot of people on here know but its true it could not feel worse. Maybe just easier to get over though long term than one of my kids dying.

[nowhereman82]

Sounds like things were moving insanely fast.

 

But to be frank. There is honesty and then there is personal matters. You withheld info. The house was technically for sale but it was none of her business what was going on with it.

 

Don't doubt the decision you made to hide this info. New people in your life dont need to know all your personal financial information or status.

 

If she cant see that and deal with it then she is not the women for you.

 

I know that does nothing to deal with the hurt you are feeling now...but it's something to think on!

[fsmo]

Thanks nowhereman. I had a friend say basically the same thing about the house. Its so good to get an independant perspective on something like this as i dont have much of a support group to fall back on.

 

She has made me feel so guilty that my opinion on the matter has changed from it not being a big deal telling her straight away to almost thinking of myself as deceitful. Now i have had 5 people including yourself tell me that i havent done much wrong and its kind of reaffirmed my gut instinct that i was beginning to lose.

 

Thanks mate

[nowhereman82]

Welcome.

 

This site is awesome for setting you straight when you need it. Best support group you can find!

[Rafa]

Hi fsmo

 

I feel for you bro. I broke up with my girlfriend of one year and 8 months, on Saturday night.

I love her dearly, the pain is immense and hard to ignore.

I may post a thread about it because I need my own advice, but for now I just wanted to say this. I've done exactly what you did in a past breakup. I "hounded" the girl with calls and texts, I was going out of my mind. It made things so much worse and we never got back together. So this time around I am using all of the self-control I can muster. I haven't contacted her since the split 3 days ago. I intend to give her a few days of space and I was thinking about maybe writing a letter at the most. I'll let you know if it works, but I know the hounding method just kills it.

You mention that you don't have a strong support network around you. I know how this feels, it makes it hard. I can speak to my best friend here in London, and phone my sister who lives abroad, that is pretty much it apart from emailing friends scattered around the globe, and of course this website.

Try to talk with the friends you have as it's a great distraction, especially when you are dying to contact her.

I wish you the best of luck with all of this. My gut feeling is that she is being very unreasonable, I agree that the thing with the house is not such a big deal, and so early on in a relationship I think you went about things the right way, so don't be hard on yourself. Hang in there bro.

 

Rafa

[verve]

SHE. IS. A. GOLD DIGGER!

 

She raced through the relationship as she thought you were well off, found out she'd misjudged and dumped you.

 

Don't be a mug and run after this woman, she's bad news.

 

And if you really care for her more than your children you really need to put them kids into care, as I know I'd rather have a father that valued me, his own flesh and blood over some hoochy who he met on the internet a few weeks ago.

[fsmo]

Hi fsmo

 

I feel for you bro. I broke up with my girlfriend of one year and 8 months, on Saturday night.

I love her dearly, the pain is immense and hard to ignore.

I may post a thread about it because I need my own advice, but for now I just wanted to say this. I've done exactly what you did in a past breakup. I "hounded" the girl with calls and texts, I was going out of my mind. It made things so much worse and we never got back together. So this time around I am using all of the self-control I can muster. I haven't contacted her since the split 3 days ago. I intend to give her a few days of space and I was thinking about maybe writing a letter at the most. I'll let you know if it works, but I know the hounding method just kills it.

You mention that you don't have a strong support network around you. I know how this feels, it makes it hard. I can speak to my best friend here in London, and phone my sister who lives abroad, that is pretty much it apart from emailing friends scattered around the globe, and of course this website.

Try to talk with the friends you have as it's a great distraction, especially when you are dying to contact her.

I wish you the best of luck with all of this. My gut feeling is that she is being very unreasonable, I agree that the thing with the house is not such a big deal, and so early on in a relationship I think you went about things the right way, so don't be hard on yourself. Hang in there bro.

 

Rafa

 

Hey Rafa thanks for your insight. Im truly sorry to hear that you are going through the same pain as i have, Its not something i would wish on my enemy. I had looked at this site when we first met for hints and tips but obviously had no need to come into the heartbreack section. I guess you are right about the hounding with the texts and emails. If i had checked this site 2 days ealiers then i think i certainly would have cut down a bit. Even so i feel its so callous and wicked to dump someone in an instant momement of anger and blank them straight away after constantly telling me she loved me and making me promise to love her forever over and over. To me it defies belief and thats probably why i persisted. The only time she did reply to me was to accuse me of being a weirdo, bizarre for trying to contact her, a lying b4stard like her previous men and jobless scum (i have worked for 16 years and only quit to look after my children until they go to school this month...i had savings to live off).

 

You should post your own story for sure and send me a link to it. It would be very interesting to know how you get on with immediate NC. Who ended it mate? Keep the self control up and think twice before the letter. Maybe at least leave it 2 weeks until you send it. It seems like dumpers dont appreciate honesty after a break and any honest thoughts you have to convey to them just get turned against you and to drain any power or control away. Keep me updated. Good luck

[fsmo]

SHE. IS. A. GOLD DIGGER!

 

She raced through the relationship as she thought you were well off, found out she'd misjudged and dumped you.

 

Don't be a mug and run after this woman, she's bad news.

 

And if you really care for her more than your children you really need to put them kids into care, as I know I'd rather have a father that valued me, his own flesh and blood over some hoochy who he met on the internet a few weeks ago.

 

I dont care for her more than my kids. But i was genuinely trying to describe the pain of loss which i could not imagine being any more extreme.

[Rafa]

Hey Rafa thanks for your insight. Im truly sorry to hear that you are going through the same pain as i have, Its not something i would wish on my enemy. I had looked at this site when we first met for hints and tips but obviously had no need to come into the heartbreack section. I guess you are right about the hounding with the texts and emails. If i had checked this site 2 days ealiers then i think i certainly would have cut down a bit. Even so i feel its so callous and wicked to dump someone in an instant momement of anger and blank them straight away after constantly telling me she loved me and making me promise to love her forever over and over. To me it defies belief and thats probably why i persisted. The only time she did reply to me was to accuse me of being a weirdo, bizarre for trying to contact her, a lying b4stard like her previous men and jobless scum (i have worked for 16 years and only quit to look after my children until they go to school this month...i had savings to live off).

 

You should post your own story for sure and send me a link to it. It would be very interesting to know how you get on with immediate NC. Who ended it mate? Keep the self control up and think twice before the letter. Maybe at least leave it 2 weeks until you send it. It seems like dumpers dont appreciate honesty after a break and any honest thoughts you have to convey to them just get turned against you and to drain any power or control away. Keep me updated. Good luck

 

Wow, I can't believe she called you a b4stard and "jobless scum"!!?

That says it all mate, honestly, she only wants to be with someone who she believes will give her financial benefits above all else.

My story started here, earlier this month: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t160342/

We hung on for another three weeks but couldn't sustain it. The pain is so hard to deal with, so I know exactly where you are at. It's extremely hard to resist contacting her, I know - I've lasted 4 days now. It blows my mind that she hasn't contacted me.

Hope your situation improves but the signs are not good that she is even the person you thought she was in the first place.

 

Rafa.

[BCCA]

I've lasted 4 days now. It blows my mind that she hasn't contacted me.quote]

 

I felt the same way, but a month later and still no contact from her. You would be lucky if you never heard from her again, to be honest. Sorry youre hurting, and I wish there was something else I could say.