I want to move out of state... but I am torn :(

[EMBeee]

Hello all, I am new to this "parenting" forum but I have a question I am torn on and would like some input if you would please...

 

In February of this year I decided it was time to end a 10 year abusive relationship. It was hard but I wish I would've done it much much sooner. Fear and insecurity with money and self-esteem all played a factor in it all. I did have 2 kids through this relationship... a girl who's 9 and another girl who's 5.

 

The thing is that my father was in the military and he retired when I was 13 and we ended up living in an all white community that had almost never interacted with any other race and also the kids had all grown up with one another and had formed the bonds. So me coming into this type of community (me being half-white, half-asian) made me feel like and outsider and I went through racial slurs for the first time in my life at that time. I never formed any bonds with the kids in this community and so I was always "alone" also because I was also the only child between my mom and dad. All that trauma put me in severe depression and I vowed to myself that once I was old enough I would move away from this place and not want my kids to grow up in this type of environment.

 

Well, when I met their father, he of course was born and raised in this small town and never wanted to leave. He was very abusive towards me, both physically and emotionally.

 

When I left him I moved back in with my parents. I am very greatful for my parents accepting me and my kids back into their home, however after 6 months now, I feel that it is time to move on. My mother has been getting on my nerves lately... I'm 27 years old now! But I am being treated like a 15 year old. She's constantly yelling at the kids, yelling about the kids, yelling at me, saying she can't wait for us to leave. She gets mad if my kids are washing their hands because the "water bill" gets racked up. She's constantly saying I'm lazy even though I do everything in my power to help out with dishes, laundry, cleaning... etc... she has been verbally abusive towards my kids (like she was with me as a child). I'm getting fed up with it! I've told my dad but he says not to leave just yet, but I can't stand her treating me and my kids like this. If I'm gone she's constantly calling asking where I am what time I'll be home... I'm 27!!!!

 

This small town has nothing for me. I have no friends here. I have no siblings. I have my dad's side of the family here but I am not close to them one bit. I say more to a stranger at work than I do with my own blood family... that's how "not close" I am with them since I never got to really know them growing up since we travelled alot. I have my kids, my mom and dad and myself - oh and also the abusive ex and that's it.

 

I have really close friends that live out of state whom I've kept in touch with for 17 years. We met while my father was in the military... and I have now developed a romantic long distance relationship with the brother of my best fried that I've kept in touch with through the years. He's helped me a great deal while going through this abusive relationship and also now through my separation. I've visited him now 3 times and really love the state he lives in and think it would be beneficial to my kids to be raised in his state (virginia) since it has alot of history of the US there... the schools are good... jobs are good... (i've done my research). I have him and his family whom have welcomed me and my kids with open arms. This man has already met my kids and I have met his as well. My kids adore him!

 

I want to move there with my kids more than anything, but my problem is that I don't know how it will affect them by doing so. I don't want to take them away from what they know including their father. But what am I to do? Wait until they are 18 in order to move? I am torn... I know what my heart wants... but I don't know... I think it would be great for my kids. They've already been to virginia and love it!

 

I have full custody of my kids. Since I was never married to their father, he actually has no say in me moving with them because he has not established any type of visitation or custody with them. he even refuses to pay child support. But he does see them regularly. I could pack them up and leave today but I am not a cold hearted person and I'm thinking of everyone involved here. Even though my mom is verbally abusive towards me and my kids, even though my ex pays no child support and wishes I was dead... I still stay here for everyone else because my kids are involved.

 

I am torn and don't know what to do... has anyone else been in this situation before? If so, what did you end up doing?? Thanks much!

[ed-205]

After being married to a lying, cheating drunk, who eventually left me to support our 2 sons totally by myself, I eventually found myself in almost the exact situation that you are in. I realized one day that I had absolutely no reason to stay in the place where we lived, so I arranged to go to school in another city 2600 miles away. Other than the school, I had no personal resources to rely on at all. I was forced to find new friends, a new job, as well as rebuild an entire new life. That was 12 years ago, and my life is so much better now than I ever imagined it could be that I would never even consider going back. My kids adapted to the situation just fine, and looking at the way their cousins have turned out, I feel that getting them away from the bad influence of their mother's side of the family was the best thing I could have done for them. My oldest has his B.A degree, and my youngest works in the Accounting department at the same company that I work for. The rest of them didn't get past the age of 18 before they turned into drunks, had children of their own, or got arrested for petty crimes.

Yes, I said "mother's" side of the family - I am a single Dad.

My recommendation to you is to Go for it! As long as your children know they can depend on *you* for the support, love, and strength they need, they will do just fine, and by making such a huge decision to improve your lives, they will know it beyond a shadow of a doubt.

[EMBeee]

Thanks so much for your feedback! I am definately going to try to pursue the move. It'll be hard... I do have lots of friends in the area I would like to move to, but no family. I think that this would really benefit my children and me.

[ed-205]

Having no friends and family in the area is one reason I decided to make the move in the first place! Not that I didn't leave behind a lot of people I knew I would miss, but I wanted to make a fresh start on my own. Here's a few tips to help make it go a little smoother:

 

> Get a map of the area you're moving to, even if you already know the area fairly well.

>Get some current copies of the area newspaper. Some bookstores carry out of town/state newspapers. Most important are the Classified Ads.

>Contact the chamber of Commerce in the area, and see if they offer a re-location kit. They're usually free, and have a lot of useful information.

 

By doing some research in advance, you will make it a lot easier to get established, find a home, job, etc.

 

Good Luck!

[EMBeee]

I commend you for being a single parent and a single "father" at that... not many men want to step up to the plate.

 

I do have some questions though... now you said you didn't have any family, not even your mom and dad in the state you moved away from?

 

See with me, I have my mom and dad, but they can only do so much for me - plus my mom is mentally abusive towards me and my children. I love her but I will not continue to be treated like that, nor do I want my children treated like that as well. My dad on the other hand is a great man, but he doesn't speak up. Example: I would've loved for him to be a little more intimidating to my ex abuser. Rather, he was more like, "Well, I'm pretty sure he's sorry for what he did." -or- "Well, you can't really take the kids away from their father" (regarding me wanting to relocate out of fear from the threatening/harassing ex) -or- "You need to go to a lawyer to establish custody for the father so that you can't take the kids away from him and he can't take them away from you." Also, I told him that if I "give" half of my custody to their father, then that will make it harder for me to relocate... he said "yeah I know"...

 

So, even though my dad is a good man, I have some resentment towards him because I was physically, mentally, verbally and sexually abused by me ex and it seemed that my dad didn't defend me and didn't take my side when he should've because I am his daughter and was beaten by my ex. He lets my mom walk all over him and never puts his foot down for nothing. Very laid back man. I love him, but once again, he and I aren't that close. Though he's never laid a hand on me even to spank me, sometimes I think that would've been better than not doing anything at all.

 

My dad's side lives in the state I am currently living in, but we aren't close at all. I don't even classify them as "friends" or aquaintances... they're just people I talk to once a year - if that - because they are "family"... you know, the "hey how are you? what are you doing? how's life? fake smile... type of stuff. I just don't "fit in" with anyone here... once again - my dad's side is all cousins who grew up with one another and formed their bonds at an early age and I came along later on in life and never got to form that special bond with any of them because of the military life.

 

So, on the other hand... I do have "close" family that live in Colorado (mom's side) - I grew up with them and I am very close to them. I have thought about moving there - but crime rates there are horrible!! Schools aren't good at all!! Jobs are slow there! Why would I move my kids to be in crime infested schools and neighborhoods??

 

So then there's Virginia... good schooling, good communities, good job demand, beautiful place to live, the beach is there... I have very close "friends" there of 17 years, my boyfriend lives there, I know all of his friends and family that I could and would consider them my own... but then again... what if things don't work out? I have nobody there if things fall through... then I'm back to square one.

 

So, I have many options. Do I really want to uproot my children's life? If, things don't fall through? But if I don't go then I'll never know and I'll regret it for the rest of my life... or I could get hurt by my ex... one never knows.

 

All I know is right now, I have only 3 people in my state (Minnesota) that I talk to about any issues... my mom, my dad, and a friend who has her own life so I can't alway run to her. Sometimes life is not fair... I guess you just gotta make the most of what you're given and hope that you can make more of it.

 

So, that's why I was wondering if you had any family around you before you left? Where did you stand with them if you did? How much contact did you have with them when you left? Did you plan the leave or did you just go without any notice? Where they with or against you from leaving?

 

Sorry so many questions, this is a big step for me! Thanks much!

 

I have so many options

[ed-205]

Sorry this is so long, but there's a lot to say...

 

By the time I decided to move away, both of my parents were deceased. My sister and other direct relatives (Uncles, Aunts, Cousins, etc) all lived out of state. The only relatives who lived nearby were ex-inlaws with whom I actually had a pretty good relationship, and I was completely open with them. They weren't happy with my plans, but there wasn't much they could do about them as they could not offer me any compelling reasons NOT to go through with them. Once I left, there was nothing in particular for me to return to if things didn't work out for me in my new home.

 

It's quite possible that your father doesn't *want* you to move away, and is looking for ways to encourage you to stay close to home. I have gone through a sort of separation anxiety with my own kids as they gain their independence, and it goes against the grain of everything I've done for the past 20 years to let them go, even though I know I *have* to for their own good. You don't stop thinking like a parent just because your kids grow up, and you never stop worrying about them. No matter what he has or hasn't done for you in the past doesn't mean that he doesn't love you very much, and want to keep you close by. Encourage him to support you as you move on with your own life. Remind him that you're simply moving to another state, not disappearing off the face of the earth!

In any event, he is dead wrong about the shared custody thing.

 

You are NOT responsible to see that your Ex gets his "fair share". Since you have full custody (even if only "Defacto", meaning the kids are simply with you most/all of the time, even if without a court order, and especially if an order for support payments has been issued to the non-custodial parent), their father *cannot* simply take them from you, and will have to petition the court before he has any say in where or how you choose to raise them. In that case, the court is still likely to look at your moving to improve your own life as an improvement in the kids lives as well, and will find in your favor, anyway. You may want to talk to a lawyer about this just to be sure, but that is how it worked out for me. A "Full" custodial parent has *all* the power with the kids.

 

The only thing I will strongly advise you on, wherever you decide to move, go there with the full intention of making a completely NEW LIFE for yourself, by yourself. It's great that there are people there that will give you some help, but don't depend on them to make it for you. Go there determined to make it on your own, and others will be more willing to give you a hand when you need it. That's why I say, do some research in the area before you move. Know where you can find an affordable place to live, what sort of jobs are available in the area, and possible educational opportunities for both you and your kids. You might even send out job applications, etc. beforehand, and have everything pretty well set up for you before you even leave! Have a plan to follow, even if you wind up changing it, (and you will!).

 

You CAN do this, if you really want to. I've been to Virginia, and it's a beautiful place. If I ever decide to move back east, I'll likely wind up there myself.

[EMBeee]

I'm very sorry to hear that both of your parents are deceased. I could not even imagine right now what I would do without my own, given the situation.

 

I really would like to thank you for your advice! It is greatly appreciated. Like I said, there's a very limited amount of people I talk to about anything and it's good to know that there are people out there with some couraging words and advice to give.

 

I will most definately keep you updated as to what I end up doing. All I know is that no matter what happens... everything will work out the way it should be in the end.

[MixMinus]

Thanks so much for your feedback! I am definately going to try to pursue the move. It'll be hard... I do have lots of friends in the area I would like to move to, but no family. I think that this would really benefit my children and me.

Get out of there! It won't be half as hard as it will be if you stay. I think of how you will raise your family in a new place, free of all the BS, in a loving environment and I smile for you! Go for it before you think about it too much.