foxh1234 Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 I told her we were through. I don't want her back. So why have I been sitting here today thinking about her and crying like a baby. All the feelings from 5 months ago came back and I was crying like never before. I couldn't control myself so I just let it rip, lol. I feel better now, but what an afternoon. I still have deep feelings for her obviously but I cannot be with her again. I have to forget her and stop this foolishness. She cheated and I will never be with a cheater. Someone tell me it's normal after 8 years together, I just want to know that this is part of healing and that I'm not slipping back. She has been writing me letters and that has opened the wound a little and may be the cause of this relapse, I don't really know. I just know that today I missed her like never before and would have done anything to hold her. Just tell me I'll be Ok guys, I really need it.
Melrapuo Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 Fox, Being that you two had been together for 8 years, and its only been 5 months since the break up, it is completely normal for you to still be feeling the way you do. I was with my ex for 2 years, and its only been about 3 months since we broke up. And I still feel like crap at some point during the day. It isn't fair that she's still sending you letters. At this point, you should either completely throw out the letters you get before even reading them, or somehow tell her to stop it altogether. Your heart was broken, and there's nothing wrong with still wanting to let out your sadness and anger. It may take someone else coming into your life to really help you feel better. But you have to take it one day at a time. : )
motive2002 Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 You'll be alright. Have you asked her to stop contact with you? Have you made it clear that you don't wish to hear from her again? Perhaps you should.. . and try not to be nice about it.
Author foxh1234 Posted August 30, 2008 Author Posted August 30, 2008 You'll be alright. Have you asked her to stop contact with you? Have you made it clear that you don't wish to hear from her again? Perhaps you should.. . and try not to be nice about it. Hi, I wrote her a letter and told her to please stop. I don't know if she will or not. Thanks for the kinds words folks.
LakesideDream Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 Fox, You are feeling the hole in your life. The destruction of a LTR leaves a huge hole in your life if there isn't another person there to step in and fill it. Your ex dumped you (your words). And I wrong in assuming that she had another man "waiting in the wings"? If so there was less of, or no hole left in her life. What you are currently experiancing from her is the need to keep you in a "back up" position. You are the "devil she knows", she wants the security of having you to fall back on if her "true love/soul mate" turns into a frog. I had a tiny bit of this myself earlier this year. Out of the blue, after many years of not having any personal contact whatsoever I began getting what turned into a spate of emails from my long past ex wife. I recognized it for what it was immediately, and gave her no chance to infiltrate my life. She stopped after a few weeks. I actually got a kick out of it. Keep up your good work. As time goes on, you will reach a point of equalibrium. How long it takes varies with each individual. Good Luck!
Mending1985 Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 You WILL be okay, deep down you know it. She really needs to leavee you alone because she is not showing you she cares by continuing this. Just remember why it ended, and keep reminding yourself of those reasons. And the reasons why it won't work. Everyone has days like that (I have weeks like that lol) and I usually sit and wallow, but today I'm getting out of the house and following my mate around while she does her shopping lol anything to take my mind off it. Can you do something like that?
WiseOne1 Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 Well I know how you feel, you've been strong and the next thing you know everything just jumps you out of the blue. However ,why arent you taking her back? Is it a relationship rule? Or is it a ego thing, that you cant take a cheater back? Or can things just never be the same anymore? Shes hurting pretty badly, she cant call you or email you so shes actually taking time out to write letters, shes bassically chasing you, ya know doing the begging and pleading and naggin thing people do when they want you back, most of what we all did at first to try getting our exs back. But she should have thought about that before she cheated, she should have thought about that what if. I couldnt take a cheater back ether, A female has a better chance getting me back slapping my mom before she cheats on me. But then again if someone ever cheated on me it would demolish all feelings I have for them. Serious. It would be like me and them never happened. Right there on the spot. But really whats your reason for not taking her back?
Author foxh1234 Posted August 30, 2008 Author Posted August 30, 2008 Well I know how you feel, you've been strong and the next thing you know everything just jumps you out of the blue. However ,why arent you taking her back? Is it a relationship rule? Or is it a ego thing, that you cant take a cheater back? Or can things just never be the same anymore? Shes hurting pretty badly, she cant call you or email you so shes actually taking time out to write letters, shes bassically chasing you, ya know doing the begging and pleading and naggin thing people do when they want you back, most of what we all did at first to try getting our exs back. But she should have thought about that before she cheated, she should have thought about that what if. I couldnt take a cheater back ether, A female has a better chance getting me back slapping my mom before she cheats on me. But then again if someone ever cheated on me it would demolish all feelings I have for them. Serious. It would be like me and them never happened. Right there on the spot. But really whats your reason for not taking her back? As I have said before, I really do love her but knowing she cheated on me changes everything. I could never trust her again and a bond that we had is now broken. I still mourn what we had because I thought it was for life and sadly it wasn't. It is not pride or ego but simply that I could not be with her after what she has done, simple as that. For anyone that doesn't know my story, she cheated on me and left me for another guy. I begged for her back ( I don't know why really ) told her I loved her, did all the stupid things. She still left and moved in with the new guy. I went NC and 3-4 months later she finds me and tells me she loves me and she made a big mistake. I refused to take her back. She continued to beg for another chance but I said no. She is no longer with the guy and has moved out of their place and is staying with friends. When I blocked her email and phone numbers she resorted to writing me letters asking for another chance. I said no and just want to move on without her. That is why this crying thing today took me by surprise really. Of course I miss the old her and miss the great times but crying all day is crazy. I guess it's just a low spot and hopefully I'll bounce back. 5 months and I'm getting pretty tired of it all. I remember 2 months ago, posting how I was healed and feeling great, lol. Boy was I wrong. This may take a bit more time and thought before I put her behind me.
orangehose Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 But really whats your reason for not taking her back? Not to answer the question for fox - but you don't take a cheater back because 1) they could do it again, and then you'd feel like a REAL moron and 2) something inside you would just feel icky and awful for taking back someone who hurt you so badly. It's a self-respect issue. Fox, there's nothing wrong with still having strong feelings and sadness about what happened. An eight year relationship is longer than many marriages. About her continuing to contact you - obviously there is some genuine feeling on her part - but like the others have said, there's a LARGE element of feeling insecure alone, and therefore reaching back to 'safety' - in the form of you, a good guy. It's not just guilt, because then she'd respect your wish to not contact you any more. Don't underestimate her capacity to do this again to you if you get back with her. Also, if things had worked out with the new guy, you probably would have never heard from her again. She wouldn't be sitting around thinking, "Oh gosh, I hurt Fox so much. Maybe I should give up my new guy even though things are going well, and offer Fox a second chance, because I feel guilty about what I did and he's a nice guy after all." Nope, she probably wouldn't be thinking about you at all. She wasn't thinking about your well-being when she cheated.
WiseOne1 Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 Not to answer the question for fox - but you don't take a cheater back because 1) they could do it again, and then you'd feel like a REAL moron and 2) something inside you would just feel icky and awful for taking back someone who hurt you so badly. It's a self-respect issue. Fox, there's nothing wrong with still having strong feelings and sadness about what happened. An eight year relationship is longer than many marriages. About her continuing to contact you - obviously there is some genuine feeling on her part - but like the others have said, there's a LARGE element of feeling insecure alone, and therefore reaching back to 'safety' - in the form of you, a good guy. It's not just guilt, because then she'd respect your wish to not contact you any more. Don't underestimate her capacity to do this again to you if you get back with her. Also, if things had worked out with the new guy, you probably would have never heard from her again. She wouldn't be sitting around thinking, "Oh gosh, I hurt Fox so much. Maybe I should give up my new guy even though things are going well, and offer Fox a second chance, because I feel guilty about what I did and he's a nice guy after all." Nope, she probably wouldn't be thinking about you at all. She wasn't thinking about your well-being when she cheated. You just made a good point. She wasntt thinking about how fox felt, and all she cared about was the new guy and her own selfish needs. She deserves to get this, theres no way she should just be able to change things on her terms and get her way
Ingenue Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 Fox, I remember when I had a horrible day and ended up crying practically the whole night after weeks of feeling completely positive, a poster responded by saying grieving isn't linear. And I remember you telling me that it's a whole roller coaster of emotions, just when you think it's over, you end up dipping again. Let it all out, cry when you need to cry. An 8 year relationship is a long time to be with someone and it's a void to fill in your life. My relationship was only 5 years and there are days when I feel absolutely miserable. Considering the circumstances of the breakup, you are doing wonderfully. Hang in there and stay strong
Author foxh1234 Posted August 30, 2008 Author Posted August 30, 2008 Fox, I remember when I had a horrible day and ended up crying practically the whole night after weeks of feeling completely positive, a poster responded by saying grieving isn't linear. And I remember you telling me that it's a whole roller coaster of emotions, just when you think it's over, you end up dipping again. Let it all out, cry when you need to cry. An 8 year relationship is a long time to be with someone and it's a void to fill in your life. My relationship was only 5 years and there are days when I feel absolutely miserable. Considering the circumstances of the breakup, you are doing wonderfully. Hang in there and stay strong Thanks alot, I really appreciate the kind words. I'll snap out of it in a few days.
sunshinegirl Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 Fox, sweetie, why are you READING the letters she is sending? You can't control whether she reaches out to you - this much should be obvious given her continued, and escalating, contact with you after every request you make for her to stop and go away. What you CAN control is whether you open and read those damn letters! In a word, STOP. Stop opening them. Stop reading them. Throw them away. Burn them. THEY are triggering you and making your pain worse. And stop contacting her to tell her to stop contacting you. She obviously doesn't respect your wishes, and you continuing to engage her, at all, is just another way this loop keeps going. She is selfish and heartless to not leave you alone - at this point this is all still about HER. SHE wants you back; SHE is trying to stop her own pain by trying to convince you to take her back. If she truly loved you, she would respect your requests and do everything she could to stop hurting you MORE. No, Fox, this is all still about her. Just like it was when she cheated on you and left you months ago.
CaliGuy Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 As I have said before, I really do love her but knowing she cheated on me changes everything. I could never trust her again and a bond that we had is now broken. I still mourn what we had because I thought it was for life and sadly it wasn't. It is not pride or ego but simply that I could not be with her after what she has done, simple as that. For anyone that doesn't know my story, she cheated on me and left me for another guy. I begged for her back ( I don't know why really ) told her I loved her, did all the stupid things. She still left and moved in with the new guy. I went NC and 3-4 months later she finds me and tells me she loves me and she made a big mistake. I refused to take her back. She continued to beg for another chance but I said no. She is no longer with the guy and has moved out of their place and is staying with friends. When I blocked her email and phone numbers she resorted to writing me letters asking for another chance. I said no and just want to move on without her. That is why this crying thing today took me by surprise really. Of course I miss the old her and miss the great times but crying all day is crazy. I guess it's just a low spot and hopefully I'll bounce back. 5 months and I'm getting pretty tired of it all. I remember 2 months ago, posting how I was healed and feeling great, lol. Boy was I wrong. This may take a bit more time and thought before I put her behind me. Fox, the woman you fell in love with died when she cheated on you. You know this already, but you're missing what she was, NOT what she is now. Keep up the good fight and remember, someone better is around the corner. Stick to your guns. You know you can't trust her and without trust there is no foundation for love to exist. Cheers man. You're doing great!
WiseOne1 Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 Fox, sweetie, why are you READING the letters she is sending? You can't control whether she reaches out to you - this much should be obvious given her continued, and escalating, contact with you after every request you make for her to stop and go away. What you CAN control is whether you open and read those damn letters! In a word, STOP. Stop opening them. Stop reading them. Throw them away. Burn them. THEY are triggering you and making your pain worse. And stop contacting her to tell her to stop contacting you. She obviously doesn't respect your wishes, and you continuing to engage her, at all, is just another way this loop keeps going. She is selfish and heartless to not leave you alone - at this point this is all still about HER. SHE wants you back; SHE is trying to stop her own pain by trying to convince you to take her back. If she truly loved you, she would respect your requests and do everything she could to stop hurting you MORE. No, Fox, this is all still about her. Just like it was when she cheated on you and left you months ago. Your right. She just cares about her still, all she cares about is finding a way to stop hurting. She didnt care about hurting Fox, and nor did she care about it when she was cheating. Fox I know people say dont write her back, but if I were you I would write her back and say "go be with the guy you left me for". And im not saying she isnt really hurting, shes acting just like Fox did at the beggining of the break up, shes begging and try to persuade so she must really be heart broken. But thats her fault. She should have thought about it before leaving him and also especially before cheating!!! I think she find out that she ruined something good to be with the other guy, and all he wanted was 1 thing. Ya know what fox stick it to her, never contact her again!!
0hpenelope Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 I told her we were through. I don't want her back. So why have I been sitting here today thinking about her and crying like a baby. All the feelings from 5 months ago came back and I was crying like never before. I couldn't control myself so I just let it rip, lol. I feel better now, but what an afternoon. I still have deep feelings for her obviously but I cannot be with her again. I have to forget her and stop this foolishness. She cheated and I will never be with a cheater. Someone tell me it's normal after 8 years together, I just want to know that this is part of healing and that I'm not slipping back. She has been writing me letters and that has opened the wound a little and may be the cause of this relapse, I don't really know. I just know that today I missed her like never before and would have done anything to hold her. Just tell me I'll be Ok guys, I really need it. You'll be ok, bro. You've been ok. So you'll be ok. At least you're not too prideful to let your feelings out. They're still genuine; time becomes irrelevant with genuine emotions. Sometimes we really need to just get these people out of our systems in whatever healthy way possible. I'm glad you're not driven to alcoholism. I'm glad you took up golfing and went to Pebble Beach instead. I'm happy that you didn't take up taking on another bad habit to flush this bad news out of your life. Have you seen sumdude's new thread? "You can't love a memory." True... but you can sure as heck get it to the point where it won't affect you anymore. That's what I took to doing, actually. Repeating, rewinding memories to the point where when I thought about that particular time later on, I'm immune to it. Actually, this method involves some pain but... what part of healing from this kind of heartbreak doesn't... You'll be ok.
Author foxh1234 Posted August 31, 2008 Author Posted August 31, 2008 Fox, I remember when I had a horrible day and ended up crying practically the whole night after weeks of feeling completely positive, a poster responded by saying grieving isn't linear. And I remember you telling me that it's a whole roller coaster of emotions, just when you think it's over, you end up dipping again. Let it all out, cry when you need to cry. An 8 year relationship is a long time to be with someone and it's a void to fill in your life. My relationship was only 5 years and there are days when I feel absolutely miserable. Considering the circumstances of the breakup, you are doing wonderfully. Hang in there and stay strong Thanks so much for the kind words, I'll be OK, just need more time.
Author foxh1234 Posted August 31, 2008 Author Posted August 31, 2008 Fox, sweetie, why are you READING the letters she is sending? You can't control whether she reaches out to you - this much should be obvious given her continued, and escalating, contact with you after every request you make for her to stop and go away. What you CAN control is whether you open and read those damn letters! In a word, STOP. Stop opening them. Stop reading them. Throw them away. Burn them. THEY are triggering you and making your pain worse. And stop contacting her to tell her to stop contacting you. She obviously doesn't respect your wishes, and you continuing to engage her, at all, is just another way this loop keeps going. She is selfish and heartless to not leave you alone - at this point this is all still about HER. SHE wants you back; SHE is trying to stop her own pain by trying to convince you to take her back. If she truly loved you, she would respect your requests and do everything she could to stop hurting you MORE. No, Fox, this is all still about her. Just like it was when she cheated on you and left you months ago. Hi SSG, you are 100% correct. I will not read another letter. I will not contact or accept contact from her. It is only setting me back. Thanks for the pep talk.
Author foxh1234 Posted August 31, 2008 Author Posted August 31, 2008 Fox, the woman you fell in love with died when she cheated on you. You know this already, but you're missing what she was, NOT what she is now. Keep up the good fight and remember, someone better is around the corner. Stick to your guns. You know you can't trust her and without trust there is no foundation for love to exist. Cheers man. You're doing great! Thanks CG, I know what your saying is right, it just needs to be pounded into my head I guess. I want to find that better girl, NOW!!!!:laugh:
Author foxh1234 Posted August 31, 2008 Author Posted August 31, 2008 You'll be ok, bro. You've been ok. So you'll be ok. At least you're not too prideful to let your feelings out. They're still genuine; time becomes irrelevant with genuine emotions. Sometimes we really need to just get these people out of our systems in whatever healthy way possible. I'm glad you're not driven to alcoholism. I'm glad you took up golfing and went to Pebble Beach instead. I'm happy that you didn't take up taking on another bad habit to flush this bad news out of your life. Have you seen sumdude's new thread? "You can't love a memory." True... but you can sure as heck get it to the point where it won't affect you anymore. That's what I took to doing, actually. Repeating, rewinding memories to the point where when I thought about that particular time later on, I'm immune to it. Actually, this method involves some pain but... what part of healing from this kind of heartbreak doesn't... You'll be ok. Thanks alot OP, I really appreciate the words. I feel pathetic crying but it does make me feel better. I am drained today but better.
sultry33 Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 hi fox we need to have days like this to remind us of the hurt they caused. just put on the letters.. not known at this address/ return to sender.. she get message that way.. you are doing way better.. staying away from her must take so much will power too but as she cheated you know its the right thing to do. never feel bad about being upset.. it will make you stronger hugs to you x
ahhhchooo Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 Of course I miss the old her and miss the great times but crying all day is crazy. I guess it's just a low spot and hopefully I'll bounce back. 5 months and I'm getting pretty tired of it all. I remember 2 months ago, posting how I was healed and feeling great, lol. Boy was I wrong. This may take a bit more time and thought before I put her behind me. I think you answered your own question there You miss who she was and who she was, and now, even though it's a choice of your own, it can never be. That's pretty heartbreaking stuff. Keep your chin up
Violetta Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 I Don't agree with some of the statements here and sorry to complicate matters ,Fox, but here goes: I started a relationship while involved with another man because i was manipulated and wooed beyond belief. My partner was devasted but stayed in contact and when I finally saw sense, took me back (against advice from some). We are now happy and stable and his constancy and forgiveness are qualities that I will always be grateful for. Sometimes people make mistakes and the ability to learn from them and seek forgiveness is what makes us human. You obviously have deep feelings for her. Have you considered couples counselling as a way of exploring whether there is a possibility of putting the trauma behind you and seeing if you canstart anew?
Author foxh1234 Posted September 1, 2008 Author Posted September 1, 2008 I Don't agree with some of the statements here and sorry to complicate matters ,Fox, but here goes: I started a relationship while involved with another man because i was manipulated and wooed beyond belief. My partner was devasted but stayed in contact and when I finally saw sense, took me back (against advice from some). We are now happy and stable and his constancy and forgiveness are qualities that I will always be grateful for. Sometimes people make mistakes and the ability to learn from them and seek forgiveness is what makes us human. You obviously have deep feelings for her. Have you considered couples counselling as a way of exploring whether there is a possibility of putting the trauma behind you and seeing if you canstart anew? Hi, I don't mean to to be crude but, if she had sex with the guy once then maybe it could be a mistake, but she had sex behind my back for 3 months or so. That is not a mistake, that's cheating and lying and knowing exactly what you doing for 3 months. I would never try to work on a relationship with a person that could do that to me.
blackandblue Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 You don't want her back, buddy. Cheating on your "loved one" is the worst thing a person could do - your partner is the one person in the world you are supposed to care for and never hurt - to cheat on them is the absolute worst betrayal of trust. Of course you miss her, but she did the worst thing she could to you - she's not good enough for you.
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