mmitch Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 I wish I was divorced yesterday. To give a short story, I've been married close to 30 years. I can't stand my wife, under any circumstances. We don't talk at all, and when I say we don't talk, we don't talk. I have a drug addicted son, her son as well, addicted to heroin. He has been in legal trouble since the age of 13 (he is now 29), and has been on drugs since 14. She had defended him the entire way. Always defending him, except when the court notices came and it was always Dad who went to court. Usually 3-6 times per year, from age 13 to 17. In her defense, she did appear a few times as he grew older. I am so sorry I ever married her, or had a kid. Steve, my son, never wanted to deal with authority at any time. Hated school & wouldn't deal with authority in school or at home, anytime. Started running away. Wife always defended his actions. Right up to the present, she does the same. That, plus, we haven't made love in 2+ years, and no actions on her part of wanting a relationship, but she has turned herself into a hypocritical bible reader. She reads it all the time, but follows nothing in it. She thinks she's gaining some sort of salvation, but how? Have I been a perfect husband or father? No, and I have my faults. Had I been out chasing other women or not dealing with our problems, I could see her point, but that hasn't been the case. I've been 360 degrees multiple times with our son. The bottom line with him is he is a dope addict, and for now, a loser. I no longer love her and only wish to move & get the divorce asap. What do others do in THIS situation? I won't have to deal with the emotional loss, that has passed, but I'm looking for how others have dealt with the 'structured' loss. Thanks.
mark982 Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 well i don't know about structured loss. but if you're so miserable why not just leave? you have done all you can for your son(ever hear of tough love), your wife checked out of your marriage along time ago. The house is only property. with no love it's not a house. you've been married all this time, don't you deserve some years to be happy? i wish you all the luck.
Ronni_W Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 I'm looking for how others have dealt with the 'structured' loss. What are your concerns about that? What parts are you thinking you may not be able to deal with? Or, are you asking if it's okay to just go ahead with divorce proceedings? Are you asking if you've given enough?
Angel1111 Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 The best step to take is to first consult with an attorney (without your wife's knowledge of this) and let him/her answer any questions you might have. Then let your wife know that you want a divorce. Find a new place to live and when it's available, move out. Or, depending on her nature, you may want to find a new place to live first and then drop the bomb on her. After that, your lawyer will let you know the best way to handle things from there. If she keeps the house, you will probably get compensated half the equity in the house. I don't know what the laws are in your state so that's why an attorney is necessary. If your wife is vindictive and if your state is a 50/50 state (meaing that spouses are entitled to 50% of everything), then before you announce anything to her, open a new bank account and take half of the money out of your current account and put it in the new one. That way, you will at least protect yourself in that manner. Once you do that, though, make sure you tell her that day what you plan to do and what you have done. I think she will be quite shocked that you plan to divorce her - despite all the signs that your marriage is dead. But don't underestimate the stupidity of some people and be prepared for anything she might dish out. She will probably be shocked and may start acting in crazy ways. Again, if you think this is possible, get your new place lined up, remove all things from the house that you value, and then give her the news. My guess is that she has supported your son's bad behavior for too long and has taught him not to expect or deal with consequences for his actions. When people codddle their kids and back them no matter what they do, they are creating monsters. Children have to be taught that when they do things, there are consequences. If they're taught that someone else will rescue them every time they make a bad decision, the child is the one who will pay the price because they will always expect this no matter what they do. Parents need to wake up as to what kind of messages they're sending to their children, and worse, what kind of adults they're raising. I think your son is also reacting to the lies that you and your wife have lived for so long. I'm not faulting you because people do this all the time, but this is the danger of staying in a marriage for the sake of the children. The children often pick up on the dysfunction and mirror that right back at us. It still might not be too late for your son because when you divorce your wife, you'll see that your relationship with him will change. It may start out bad but he may just come around after some time - and may crave your wisdom and guidance. And it's definitely not too late for you. Life is just too short to waste it in miserable relationships.
Mr. Lucky Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 I won't have to deal with the emotional loss, that has passed, but I'm looking for how others have dealt with the 'structured' loss. Thanks. Once you get into the process, you figure out that divorce is simply a series of bureaucratic steps, no different than applying for a driver's license. You fill out a few forms, sign on a few dotted lines, wait some time and it's done. I don't see anything in your post that speaks to what you want from life at this point. Where are you headed? Mr. Lucky
Lizzie60 Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 I had the same problem with my first ex.. lived with him 18 years (on a total of 29 yrs)... he was always taking my son's part.. no discipline, so I was the 'bad mother'... my son is also a drug addict (but his dad is getting the dope for him).. I left my ex when I just couldn't take him anymore.. like you, I didn't love him anymore.. so I just left everything behind.. got a small apart. close by so my son could visit anytime he wanted.. (my son was young and not into drugs back then but he was a very difficult child, since birth)... my ex and I never see eye to eye as far as discipline went.. this is probably the no. 1 reason why I left.. I just felt helpless... and I resented him (ex) sooo much. My advice: never mind the house, just leave, you can always (like me) settle with the financial aspects later.. get a nice apartment asap and move on... Good luck!
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