my story

[idiot]

i've been together with this girl for about two and a half years know and our whole relationship has been a one big rollercoaster ride. when things are normal we come along great, but when we fight i think she just goes too far. our fights usually start by me blurting something stupid and she gets angry and starts to mock me about every single mistake that i have ever done and usually she ends up to breaking up with me. and every time it's my job to solve our fight. the point is that she always has to get her revenge (sometimes involving another guy to make me jealous) before she can start to solve the situation.

 

i know i have done many bad things to her including going twice to stripbar and taking a privateshow there and not telling about it to her (i really regret this one) . i was afraid of the consequences and when i finally had the nerve to confess she immediately started dating this guy she had just met in a bar. she dated him for about two months while i was desperately trying to get her back. after those two months she suddenly wanted to come back to me and even though it hurted me what she had been doing with him i thought i got what deserved and forgave it. this was something like 8 months ago and since then she has had troubles of trusting me (which i understand). i have lied to her once ( once is too many, i know.) and now i've been as honest as i can be to her so i would have her trust back.

 

since we got back together we've had few fight ending in her breaking up and getting back together again. and every time she says that se wants to break up, it kills something in me. i mean she can be so cold and mean when she wants to.

 

the last time she broke up was the usual case. i said something stupid and she didn't take it as i meant it and got angry. but this time she answered when i called her and apologized. well it didnt solve anything. i said that i want to see her and she refused. i still went to her home twice and at the first time she wasn't home and the second time she came out and started mocking me. it wasn't unusual and i'm stupid enough to allow that when i have screwed up first. well. i swallowed my pride and went third time to apologize and she didn't even bother to come out. she called me and said that she won't come out and i don't have to come again. this was a week ago and i haven't called her or anything. i just think that she went too far because at the beginning it wasnt that big of a deal that she got mad about.

 

so, what should i do? i've done enough **** to her so i feel i have no right to demand her to change her behaviour. i know that she wont call me no matter what. :S

[BCCA]

Ok, before I answer this email, I just need an honest answer about something. Did you sleep with the stripper, or get anything other than some female parts being shaken in your face? This is a major point.

 

And use your best judgement about what I mean...if there were any 'happy endings', it doesnt matter how you got there. But if you just got some lap dances, or something along those lines, thats a different story.

[idiot]

no sleeping or any happy endings of any kind. i mostly felt stupid and uneasy being there. it happened while in army. first time we just drinked few beers and talked and watched the "show" and i wanted to know how the private show was like. now i know and won't do it again.

[verve]

Although it wasn't right you not telling her about this and going in the first place, her 'revenge' was a lot more hurtful and inconsiderate of your feelings.

 

You had a lapdance and in return she gets with a random guy for 2 months!

 

It sounds like she is pretty manipulative and controlling and she knows you're that in love with her that you will put up with it and she can work you like a puppet. I think you need some time to reflect, love and our emotions cloud our judgement so much but you need to look at your situation logically. Imagine a close friend was going through an identical situation, what advise would you give him? Doing that exercise will make you think in a different way.

 

To me, from reading your post, she sounds like bad news and I get the impression your relationship is a pressure cooker. You have to ask yourself, do you want that?

[BCCA]

no sleeping or any happy endings of any kind. i mostly felt stupid and uneasy being there. it happened while in army. first time we just drinked few beers and talked and watched the "show" and i wanted to know how the private show was like. now i know and won't do it again.

 

Dude...MILLIONS of married or otherwise 'taken' guys go to strip clubs all the time. Its like watching porn. If youre not doing anything that would constitute "the act", youve honestly done little to nothing wrong. She used a very minor infraction to leave you for some other guy for two months and youre really thinking you at all deserved that? Come on! Next are you going to be punished for looking at the hot bartenders cleavege? Youre being way too hard on yourself, and she is manipulative to the max.

 

I would let her GO immediately. She is working you. And eventually, shell probably just get bored and move on or cheat.

 

You did nothing to deserve any of that man. Dont let her play you like that.

 

Im really sorry about what youre going through.

[idiot]

well, every time i have talked to my friends they have said that i should dump her. and i have thought about it. but i also think that i have no right to leave because i have hurted her. the thing that i most hate about her is that she doesn't take any responsibility of her own actions. she says that she doesn't do anything bad before i hurt her some way. and all she does is defends herself. and now that we haven't talked for a week i'm surprised how little i do miss her. and i feel guilty of feeling that...

[BCCA]

well, every time i have talked to my friends they have said that i should dump her. and i have thought about it. but i also think that i have no right to leave because i have hurted her. the thing that i most hate about her is that she doesn't take any responsibility of her own actions. she says that she doesn't do anything bad before i hurt her some way. and all she does is defends herself. and now that we haven't talked for a week i'm surprised how little i do miss her. and i feel guilty of feeling that...

 

She sounds just like many people of my generation: extremely selfish. You hurt her by going and getting some lapdances? Thats not a big deal, and she used it as a leverage point to run off with some one else for 2 months. And even after that, you feel as though you are in the wrong? NO WAY.

 

I say this with as much compassion as I can, but she is playing you and manipulating you to make her seem like the better person here because she knows how crappy shes treated you. You are not a doormat, and again, lots of guys go to strip clubs and do the same thing. If you cant even tell your gf that you got a lapdance without worrying that shell run off with some other guy and probably do a lot more than lapdance, what kind of life is that for yourself? Dont do that to yourself man, you seem like a good guy, and she is bad news.

[idiot]

She IS extremely selfish. and that lapdance thing isn't that big a deal to me either but i should have told her immediately about it but was too afraid of her reaction.

[BCCA]

She IS extremely selfish. and that lapdance thing isn't that big a deal to me either but i should have told her immediately about it but was too afraid of her reaction.

 

Well, if shes extremely selfish, than shes only ever going to think about herself. Shell use any and every excuse to treat you like crap. Anything you do will be wrong and worthy of revenge because then she can feel like you "got what you had coming" which is BS.

 

Let this one go. You dont need this. Ive been through the same thing with my ex, who is extremely selfish, and let me tell you - selfish people are DANGEROUS! They dont care about anything they do, and can rationalize it to themselves so they dont even feel bad. Did you ever get the "well, I know I did X but I just felt like blah blah blah"...? My ex was notorious for that. "I know its not very nice to hurt you, but I just wanted to be alone for a while".

[nowhereman82]

Your name is quite apt...sorry

 

Read what you have told us and imagine if you were reading a stranger saying these things.

 

You show no signs of self confidence and she is playing you like a puppet. She has you wrapped around her fingers dude. You do not cause "revenge" on someone you care for. It's very childish, self serving, and disrespectful to herself and you.

 

Drop it like its hot.

[idiot]

Did you ever get the "well, I know I did X but I just felt like blah blah blah"...? My ex was notorious for that. "I know its not very nice to hurt you, but I just wanted to be alone for a while".

 

Not really. She usually just told me something that i had done previously that "made" her do whatever she did. she said that she had to have her revenge to get her dignity back.

 

it's tenth day without any contact btw.

[idiot]

Your name is quite apt...sorry

 

Read what you have told us and imagine if you were reading a stranger saying these things.

 

You show no signs of self confidence and she is playing you like a puppet. She has you wrapped around her fingers dude. You do not cause "revenge" on someone you care for. It's very childish, self serving, and disrespectful to herself and you.

 

Drop it like its hot.

 

Hate to admit it but it's true. i did lot of things that i didn't want to just to be with her. which really wasn't worth it...

[BCCA]

Hate to admit it but it's true. i did lot of things that i didn't want to just to be with her. which really wasn't worth it...

 

Hindsight is 20/20. We can all look back on a relationship and see ourselves bending over backwards for some one who never returned the favor. All you can do is try to learn from your mistakes.

 

The "you made me" do it is classic selfish manipulation. If you examine what shes saying, youll notice that she is implying that she cannot help but get revenge for anything you do. She is not taking any responsibility for what shes done to you or showing any remose. Furthermore, she's telling you that this will continue any time she feels 'slighted' by anything you do. Dont let her treat you like garbage and rationalize it to herself.

[idiot]

Hindsight is 20/20. We can all look back on a relationship and see ourselves bending over backwards for some one who never returned the favor. All you can do is try to learn from your mistakes.

 

The "you made me" do it is classic selfish manipulation. If you examine what shes saying, youll notice that she is implying that she cannot help but get revenge for anything you do. She is not taking any responsibility for what shes done to you or showing any remose. Furthermore, she's telling you that this will continue any time she feels 'slighted' by anything you do. Dont let her treat you like garbage and rationalize it to herself.

 

exactly! but i can only wonder what she is trying to gain by acting like that. And i don't think that her future relationships are going to work if she doesn't change her ways.

 

Anyway. i think that the best thing i can do now is try to forget her and move on with my own life.

[BCCA]

exactly! but i can only wonder what she is trying to gain by acting like that. And i don't think that her future relationships are going to work if she doesn't change her ways.

 

Anyway. i think that the best thing i can do now is try to forget her and move on with my own life.

 

Well, I was in a similar situation, and I could only speculate, but I thought that it was probably just a result of the fact that I wasnt worth much to her, so if she could treat me like complete crap and make little to no effort, why not keep me around? But as soon as the gig was up, and a line was drawn in the sand, she was out. A lot of people will look at a relationship as a convenience. They'll always have a date, some one to talk to, sex, etc. They fall in love with having some one, not neccesarily the person they have.

 

You have to forget her and move on. It's the only way to start healing.

 

You'll be ok. We've all been there (I'm only about a month out of the breakup myself)

[LakesideDream]

Time to put the experiance you've gained to work. This gal doesen't sound like the one for you.

 

The biggest "red flag" I took from your post was her habit of recounting every wrong or miscue you have made in the relationship each time the two of you argue. I can tell you from experiance, this behavior on her part will never change for the better, it will mearly intensify.

 

It is impossible for a man (or in extremely rare instances) or woman to overcome a lengthly laudry list of "wrongs" that are continually regurgitated to bolster dominance in a relationship.

 

Another serious problem is the "tit for tat" her taking your "private dance" mistake and using it for justification to cavort shamelessly.

 

Find another lady. Don't make the same mistakes you made in this relationship. Have fun. Thank your higher power that you didn't marry this lady.

[idiot]

Well, I was in a similar situation, and I could only speculate, but I thought that it was probably just a result of the fact that I wasnt worth much to her, so if she could treat me like complete crap and make little to no effort, why not keep me around? But as soon as the gig was up, and a line was drawn in the sand, she was out. A lot of people will look at a relationship as a convenience. They'll always have a date, some one to talk to, sex, etc. They fall in love with having some one, not neccesarily the person they have.

 

You have to forget her and move on. It's the only way to start healing.

 

You'll be ok. We've all been there (I'm only about a month out of the breakup myself)

 

were you also a "doormat"? i just find it hard to believe that maybe i didn't meant that much for her. i probably killed her interest in me by becoming a wuss. at the beginning she was always the one to initiate contact but slowly things turned around and i became the one who usually called or txt her and my whole life started to revolve around her. ****, no wonder i'm where i am now. i would have pushed anyone away. but the thing i still would like to know is would she just moved to "easier target" if i had been more strict with her and put some bounderies? just wanting to hear views.

[idiot]

Time to put the experiance you've gained to work. This gal doesen't sound like the one for you.

 

The biggest "red flag" I took from your post was her habit of recounting every wrong or miscue you have made in the relationship each time the two of you argue. I can tell you from experiance, this behavior on her part will never change for the better, it will mearly intensify.

 

It is impossible for a man (or in extremely rare instances) or woman to overcome a lengthly laudry list of "wrongs" that are continually regurgitated to bolster dominance in a relationship.

 

Another serious problem is the "tit for tat" her taking your "private dance" mistake and using it for justification to cavort shamelessly.

 

Find another lady. Don't make the same mistakes you made in this relationship. Have fun. Thank your higher power that you didn't marry this lady.

 

what if it was because of me? she treated me like crap because i let her. or is it just the way she is and she isn't going go change no matter how she is treated?

 

i know that she is very insecure about herself but she's acting tough. and why would she be jealous if she didn't care? she was almost paranoid that i cheated on her on the net

[BCCA]

Look man, a lot of people are just plain selfish. You might be a nice guy, and feel like you were a 'wuss' but a lot of women would appreciate a guy making the effort as long as you werent a complete pansy (which I doubt you were). Even if you would have drawn a line in the sand before, chances are it would have only made your breakup happen sooner.

 

When some one can treat you like a doormat, they dont love you. They may not really understand what it is to love some one, and could be trying in their own way, but they dont love you. Sure, your personality could have not been a match so she could have reacted by treating you badly, but she could meet some other jerk who makes her really feel like she needs to work for his attention and they could be fine. Some personalities just dont mesh, and a lot of people are immature and dont know what they want, so they drag helpless people into relationships they know are doomed from the start.

 

Youve done nothing wrong and there is nothing the matter with you. This young lady just did not appreciate you for who you were, and its her loss. You cant worry about that anymore. There is some one out there who will love you for you and not treat you like this. Keep your head up until you find her.