shadowplay Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 I'm not sure why I'm even posting because I know how frustrated anyone would be to read this. I don't know how to control my impulses. I took him back. Yes, I know I'm fcvked in the head. Things were going well until we got into an argument during a trip this week. He tried to dump me literally seconds before I had an important interview. I ended up skipping the interview. He called me a "witch" even though I didn't say anything hurtful to him except venting my frustrations about his inconsistency. He claimed he'd been itching to dump me for weeks even when things were going well. I asked him why he had been so sweet during our anniversary if that was the case and he said "I guess I had nothing better to do." As I cried he had this cold half-smirk on his face and dead eyes. I said to him "how can you be so cruel?" And he responded in a mock deadpan voice, "I don't know." Later that day he backtracked and said he wanted to be with me. Layed on the "I love yous," but I played it cool. He said maybe he was just irritable because we had been together for a few days in a row. That night I sent him an email suggesting we call it quits, but then I changed my mind and told him to disregard my email. The next day we didn't see each other and he called me that night, told me several times that he loved me. I was a bit cool on the phone. I hoped that if I gave him some space he might miss me. I didn't hear from him Thursday at all, which is unusual. Today (Friday) around three I got fed up wondering what he was up to and called him. He was in the car with his parents who were driving down to Connecticut. He told me he was going to be away for the weekend. I was shocked and hurt that he hadn't even told me he was going. We see each other every Friday night, so apparently he would have just left me wondering what was up and why he wasn't calling. In the past he'd also promised that he would bring me along the next time he went to Connecticut. I asked him why he hadn't told me he was going and he said "I guess I didn't think of it." I started crying and yelling on the phone and he hung up on me. I tried calling him back way too many times and sent him a few texts. He still hasn't answered. I don't know why I always get so desperate when someone shuts me out. It's like my hands just keep dialing and I can't stop myself. All my dignity and reserve fly out the window. When I try to hold myself back and calm down the anxiety just builds and builds until I can't bear it anymore. At least if I felt there was some relief it might be easier, but the anxiety never seems to subside. There is nothing that upsets me more than somebody who is utterly cold with no emotional response. I would even prefer aggression and anger to emotional detachment. I feel abandoned. I have this suspicion the next time I hear from him he'll be like "yeah, I want to break up." And then when I say, "could you at least have the decency to tell me in person," he'll be like "no, sorry." That's the way he is. He locks into this cold, almost sociopathic state. There's no way of getting through to him when he's like that. The harder I try, the more sadistic and robotic he becomes. The worst part is I'll be seeing him all the time at our new school. We are even working on the same shift of a job one day a week. I am a terrible, broken person. Why would somebody treat me like this unless I were? I'm not saying this to garner sympathy, but because I really believe it to be true. Everybody for as long as I remember has told me I'm defective, and they're right. I can't show any emotion without completely cracking. I tried talking with my ex ex ex on the phone as he's one of my only good friends. I won't be seeing him for a few months and he wouldn't even promise to see me before I depart. He got freaked out when I started crying on the phone and said "maybe we shouldn't talk for a few months." I just wish this hadn't happened right before such a big transition in my life. I know now that words like "I love you" mean nothing because somebody can just dispose you the next moment. Some people just say it when they feel a momentary burst of affection without considering what love really means.
whichwayisup Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 You haven't hit your rock bottom yet I guess...Maybe that's why you keep taking him back, in hopes he HAS changed, or can change. Honestly, I think when you get sick of the crap he serves you on a stick and somehow gain the inner strength to detach and not care about him, not let your emotions and love rule you, maybe then you'll stop taking him back. You aren't defective. Stop putting yourself down, that's just making you feel worse and making yourself into a victim here. You and the boyfriend are just a TOXIC mix, oil and water - An unhealthy relationship and you two bring out the worst in eachother. That's all it is..
serialgf Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 hey babe first of all sorry i have to cut this short cuz i have to leave work for the day... and i must admit i read through your post quickly and didn't really read all the details but... ...you have to get rid of this loser. you are not a bad or broken person and you do deserve to be loved. please don't listen to people when they tell you that. i've told you before that i relate a lot to your posts and its true - i feel like i'm only like one year past where you are right now... last year i was breaking up with my ex who i dated for 6 YEARS! all that time, he told me i was crazy, i would never get married, no man would ever want that with me because i'm crazy, etc. and after all those years i was convinced that it was true. but you know what? one day i finally kicked my own arse, and looked in the mirror at my crying face and kept yelling at myself, "he doesn't love you!" because it was true. and i finally convinced myself of it and broke free from him. now, a year later, i've been dating a heavy metal dude who may not be rich or successful but he LOVES me and he's the most mentally stable guy i've ever dated - and guess what? he has never told me that i'm crazy just like you, my friends and pretty much everyone i know thinks i'm crazy - and i am... but just in a quirky way - i say what i feel, i think way too much, and i'm eccentric - but it doesn't make me broken or undeserving of someone's love - and the same is true for you! ps. i totally think that if we lived in the same town we might be friends! take care shadow and keep posting!
whichwayisup Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 you are not a bad or broken person and you do deserve to be loved. please don't listen to people when they tell you that Noone has told her (that I know of) that she's a bad or broken person. Nor has anyone said she doesn't deserve love. If someone has actually told Shadow this, then that is just plain cruel to say! She has issues, just like everyone else, but that doesn't make her bad nor broken.
Kamille Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 I just went back to reread your first few threads about this relationship. I was hoping to find clues about that moment - your relationship's moment of strenght. Here is the picture I got instead: From the get go you were insecure and his personality played into your insecurities. One thing that struck me - that I either didn't know or didn't remember - is that he had said he might be bipolar, that he had a hard time feeling sometimes. Reading those early threads I suddenly understood the whole thing with his friend. You've always felt powerless in this relationship - and here was your chance to gain some power. Yet I have this image of you: you sound like such a sweet girl. Like someone who can light up a room when she smiles. There are three things at play here; 1) your issues (feeling defective - feeling unlovable - therefore seeking confirmation that you are lovable) 2) his (bipolar mom and the result of that - his wounded ego) 3) and how all these things weave into each other to create the dysfunctional relationship that you have. You aren't defective: you're human and none of us have it all figured out (except with the possible exception of TBF ). Your relationship definitely isn't helping you get past your own insecurities. It feeds them (and feeds on them). I wonder how your therapist can help with these feelings you have. Has she spent anytime on your relationship with your father (you've mentioned a few things in the past that lead me to believe he might play a big part in your current perceptions of yourself). Has your bf ever gone for a diagnosis?
melodymatters Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 Shadow, You are such a sweetheart, I agree with everything serialgf just posted. I got chills down my spine when I read your post about your BF's cruelty, as it sounded so like one of my ex's. All I can say is everyday of being single, was better than any day with him making me feel like sh*t ! Find a "heavy metal dude" like SGF or a younger man like me, as long as they LOVE you and treat you like they LOVE you. After all, in a LOVE relationship, shouldn't being able to give and recieve love in a healthy manner be the MAIN requirement ? Hang in there !
vertigocidic Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 This story is making me go ape ****. Your boyfriend is cold and cruel, and my advice will be short and sweet; Dump that *******. Now.
Author shadowplay Posted August 30, 2008 Author Posted August 30, 2008 Thanks for the responses, guys. They made me feel a lot better and helped calm me down. I just had a chat with him online that confused me even more. He is so inconsistent. I've pasted it below. M: hey me: hey im really hurt M i feel tempted to call it quits it's hard to express how much you've hurt me M: well I'm sorry for the poor communication me: is that all you have to say M: you're right, I should have been more forthright about being away. I suppose I thought that the time spent apart would begin to heal the wounds from earlier in the week and I began missing you yesterday and continued to day me: i guess the ongoing theme seems to be that you just don't care, or you're not invested. if you were, i don't think you'd be so flakey or cruel at random times. M: I feel really bad about being cruel to you... you're right, you didn't deserve that and you didn't do anything terribly wrong me: i never know what to expect. because things will be going great for awhile and then suddenly you're just willing to throw everything away or come out with nasty stuff M: well I shouldn't have done that... please forgive me K. and then I was slow to call you because you were still mad at me and I was hoping to wait out the storm which I realize now was not the correct path to take me: it doesn't seem like you're very attached to me to be honest M: well what I feel is that sometimes it is difficult to get space from you when I feel like I need it me: when did i deny you space recently? M: not recently me: i didn't realize you hadn't wanted to see me a few nights in a row. i actually thought you were the one pushing for it. M: but I guess I feel like I have asked and it launches a big guilt trip complex me: i guess i don't understand why we can't see each other for a few days in a row once in awhile without it being a big deal i mean you never gave me any indication that you didn't want to M: well I did want to... and had no problem with it but sometimes I feel that spending so much time together makes me long for a little distance I don't know why but it is what ultimately caused me to get so mad, I think. me: what happens? M: I don't know... the few things that annoy me when I'm around you build up and I get mad I just think that we function better when we spend a couple nights together and then a couple nights apar apart me: but i don't think that justified how nasty you were to me. i mean it was kind of sadistic. because you don't communicate well and tend to be inconsistent i never know what to expect M: yeah well I do love you K... and I should learn to be more mature when I get angry me: sometimes when you're in this cold nasty mood you seem like a different person M: to be honest when I was saying all those nasty things I thought that you wouldn't believe me there was a sort of dark sarcasm at work I did buy the bike for you hoping that it would make you happy M: and I did get the cupcakes in good faith thinking that it would make you glow me: well it did, it was really sweet of you, which is why the things you said crushed me i feel kind of cynical about us at this point M: well I'm sorry to hear that... I can't say that I blame you though I love you K. I am really really really sorry about the things I said to you I didn't mean them... me: i appreciate you saying that, and I accept your apology. sometimes i wonder what love really means to you. it almost seems like a momentary burst of emotion that doesn't carry over. M: well I believe what I feel really is love, but when I get angry or hurt I cloak my pain with anger not a good habit, but true... I'm sorry that I did that it was very very wrong of me. me: ok thanks but i just wonder. i mean in general you don't seem to treat me like a guy treats a girl he's in love with. something seems very wrong. there's a certain carelessness. M: well I don't think you're right... I love you very much K I wish you felt as if you loved me too. me: i felt as though i loved you? M: do you love me K? me: yes, of course but sometimes i feel like i don't know you M: well I wish I hadn't gotten so cold towards you me: thanks, i appreciate the apology M: well I hope that these couple days let us lick our wounds and feel better I miss you K. sweetheart. me: i miss you too i mean, honestly, do you really want to be with me? if you don't, just tell me. i'd prefer it over ambivalence. M: I still want to be with you. I love you K. me: i love you too. M: I am really invested baby I love you and I'm sorry that I got angry at you. ---------------------------
Jilly Bean Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 Shadow - when you get tired of his toxicity, you will then, and only then, be done with him. As a suggestive exercise, I know you admitted struggling with impulse control. I had/have this problem as well. Acting out, then regretting it, and trying to do damage clean-up. One thing I did was to write myself a letter when rational and clear, and tell myself all the reasons I shouldn't do the destructive behavior and outlines what will happen if I do, and I want to (need to!) not let this happen (it's generic, but works as a good blanket for anything I might be about to do that I will regret). I know it sounds simplistic, but it really did help me. It helped control the crazy urges to just DO something, even if I am void of concern of the consequences at the moment. Just a thought...
D-Lish Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 Shadow, I think the first thing you have to do is start believing in yourself and the qualities you have to offer the world around you. That includes your private and professional life. I don't think you love yourself- and I think it's important you work on doing that. This relationship has only offered you misery and disappointment. Sure- there are moments of hope and calm and wonderful moments... but more often than not, you aren't happy with this guy and he doesn't treat you with the respect and unconditional love you deserve. I know from experience that when I feel bad about myself- I date people that exascerbate that perception. The relationship you have with this guy is a negative enmeshment- the two of you can't make one another happy, yet you can't seperate from one another either. Taking action is really hard to do but I think it's important for you to do so. The relationship is toxic. If you missed a job interview because he said something to upset you- then you reallt, really, have to take a good hard look at what a future with this person will do to your self esteem. I think you keep going back to him because it's familiar. Familiar doesn't mean "right". You two do have a connection- but it's not a healthy one. I really want you to come to that conclusion yourself and start anew.
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