hcd03 Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 Wow... Ok, so I don't know if anyone's been following my posts or not. If not, read "The Original Plan Doesn't Sound So Good Anymore." But I've been planning on leaving my fiance. I've been unhappy due to certain situations concerning location, his family, our financial situation, how he takes me for granted, etc. So, here's the thing. I'm moving to Virginia on the 5th. I had been getting everything set up to move, I've got friends who are going to let me and my son stay with them until I get on my feet, and I've finished my application for the University I've applied to up there for my masters. I had set myself up for him being angry and upset that I was leaving. And I'd set myself up for him possibly kicking us out. I'd even set myself up to him refusing to do anything and just watching us leave. I had come to the belief that if I stayed things weren't going to change. I told my fiance Thursday afternoon that I was leaving. We did get into a row, and he's spent the past evening and all of today sniffling and depressed. He approached me today about my leaving. We spent about an hour and a half talking. It was more communication than we've had in months about our relationship. And I actually was able to open up and talk to him and tell him WHY I was leaving. We had a long, heart-felt conversation about all the things that had been making me unhappy in this relationship. He told me he hadn't realized that some of the things were really hurting me. He tells me he understands that I've completely decided to move. No ifs, ands, or buts, I'm moving. He then tells me he wants to marry me this next week and then follow me up to Virginia in the coming months. He doesn't want to lose me and that he's willing to work out whatever we can to keep me. I had prepared myself for everything but this. I'd even been telling myself to fall out of love with him for the past several months. (Yeah, that didn't work too well. I think I bawled more than I should have as I was telling him.) What the hell am I supposed to do now? I've literally only got less than a week to decide whether to marry him, have him follow me out there and make things work in VA, or say no and move on. And I voiced my reservations too. Would he resent me for essentially making him move away from everything? His family? His friends? Has anyone ever had this happen to them? I could so use some advice right now!
ringo889 Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 Wow. I'm sure you're in for a lot of replies. Not knowing you or he or the personalities, it's hard to conclude whether it's a good idea or not. Setting that aside though, if you think he's sincere (especially after your talk) then you'll have to make your decision based on that. Some people are going to say you're being told what you want to hear, and so on. I have to tell you though, I went through a break-up last year. We talked a lot before the break-up, but that made us sit down and really talk about everything - in detail. There were no "issues" to iron out or change really, but there were a lot of things unsaid that should have been. It made a massive difference at the time. Maybe that's all he needed. And I voiced my reservations too. Would he resent me for essentially making him move away from everything? His family? His friends? You sound exactly like my GF - er, "ex" GF. I was looking at moving quite a distance to be with her. Yeah, it was a big deal to consider. She's always made a point of saying she feels guilty about "making" me move, and said I might resent it years later. Again though, every personality is different. All of my friends that went to college moved away their first year out of HS. They came back for holidays, but after the 2nd year they were gone from home. They made new friends, and moved on. After that they got careers, moved again, and dealt with it. Later in life some people have to follow their spouse when their job moves them. If it's a huge problem they either don't move, or they break-up. Right now he says he wants to go with you. I don't see the difference (except you're not married yet). Whether it works depends on him and how well your relationship holds together though, of course. With me the decision was easy. I was looking at a 1000 mile move away from family. Big deal right? Yeah, but it's only a 2.5 hour plane ride home if I need to run back in an emergency, or for holidays. The choice between that and being with the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and have a family with was an easy one. But that's me.
Ronni_W Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 I've literally only got less than a week to decide whether to marry him, have him follow me out there and make things work in VA, or say no and move on. I'll tell you what I'd say to my very best friend, or niece, or brother, or anyone else whom I love dearly: "That is crazy-making thinking! You have as much time as you need. At least, you deserve to have as much time as you need." One cannot, or ought not to, make such a life-altering decision under pressure of time. It's insanity waiting to happen. If he is willing to marry you within seven days, what is preventing a change to 7 weeks or 7 months? Move on the 5th, as you plan to do. And let the (new) relationship settle itself around you and your potential future husband. And then decide, at a leisurely pace. If this is your future-husband, he will still be that. And, if this was a proposal founded in his own insecurities and anxieties, it will still be that, too. IMHO, best to find out before than after.
nowhereman82 Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 I agree with Ronni as well. Follow their advice. Forever is....well forever. No rush.
mc5 Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 Ringo is very right!!! this is a last minute ( I need to say something to keep her) proposal! And those are the worst. 1 year later ( if your lucky enough to get that far) you'll be wishing you thought it out more if you say yes now! DON'T DO IT! Think it over first. You now know who he is, what you don't like about him. Do you honestly think that he can change? If so then go for it, but I'm going to be real with you. If you don't like it now...chances are you won't like it later. mc
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