The End of Ideas (Jealousy and Controling)

[georgiabell03]

I dont have too much time to give all the details regarding my relationship but I will do the best that I can.

 

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 10 months and fell madly in love. I knew from the start that this relationship would be tough givin both of our baggage. But really these days who doesnt have baggage? He was going though a divorce with his wife that he had been with for 7 years. They had one child together and he had one from a previous umm well no way around it...One night stand. Though his mother takes care of the child and his ex takes care of their child.(being a single mom this a hard pill to take but thats a whole new thread).

 

Anyway, Him and the ex met very young got married and both were not faithfull to each other. At first he made it out to seem that his wife left him for another man and all that but once our relationship progressed I found out that he himself was not faithfull either and treated well, rather poorly. EX. checking her phone, calling her names, telling her what she could and couldnt wear. Although they both were wrong in the relationship he acted as if he wasnt responsible at all.

 

At first our relationship was something you would read about. We had the most amazing bond and friendship. It lasted maybe five months.

 

First, I found pictures of a so called "friends" whoha in his email....that he left open on my phone. I left him. He assured me that they were older from when we first started dating and he had forgotten that they were there. I being madly in love as really I still am now. Took him back. But ofcourse I still felt betrayed. And just a side note...he had the largest porn collection known to man and was into some odd things. My fault for not telling him then how much that bothered me but "I was in love"

 

Few weeks go by and things are fine untill one night he says we should break up because he is just going to hurt me in the long run and we should end it now. (I was crushed but now I think I understand why he did it) The next day he said he was wrong. I took him back.

 

Then I notice him looking in my phone alot. He starts questioning what I am wearing or the fact that I have makeup on. Makes it clear that me going out makes him uncomfortable so if I wanted to grab a beer with a friend or sister he would need advanced notice so he could make sure he had plans to get trashed and not sit at home wondering what im doing.

 

Also, I noticed a huge subtance abuse problem and one night he even got violent with me. (He is now sober and nothing like that anymore)

 

Then one night we get into a fight. I wake in the morning and I have about 5 texts that are clearly not for me since he calls me his ex wifes name....and is talking about the nasty (sexual) things he wants to do with her. Again I am crushed. I dont trust him. My heart felt ripped out. I put myself though all this BS with him and he does that? Then he calls and tells me that those were just to hurt me and he would never really say those things to his ex. I dont belive him..so he makes his ex wife call me to tell me she never got those and they didnt even talk. Thats when she told me the how he treated her. Even after all that he would still run to his ex when we fought to tell her every detail. He says its because they were together so long and I wouldnt understand since I was never with someone like that.

 

And what do I do. Take him back. Because love is real right and he can change.

 

We move in together and things are great. Hes a great father figure to my son, we both take a roll in household duties, and we just were the perfect team. Before this he made it clear he did not want me having male friends and I was ok with it thinking well he has trust issues. Then it just got worse and worse. He went though my planner and noticed that the week after our first date I had a date planned with someone else whom was a friend before we decided to go on that date (which I never went on bc I was so smitten with him I cancelled the other) . That persons number was still in my phone and it was unacceptable (mind you at this point most of his female friends he had had sex with). He tells me to delete his number and if he tries to contact me in need to let him know and he will take care of it macho man kinda stuff. That night I texted this person to let him know that it made my boyfriend uncomfortable that I still spoke to him and I needed it to stop. Which was fine. My boyfriend while at work got into my phone records and saw that I had texted him after he clearly told me not to. And I not wanted to cause a fight and not knowing he was checking my records lied. Yes very wrong and I told him that. But my one lie now has cause him to be so jealous.

 

He hates the fact that my teammate at work is a man. I called my co worker bud on the phone one time and he hasnt let it go and its been weeks. I put my foot down on the friends of his that he had slept with...but that didnt stop him. So I found my old male friends numbers and put them back into my phone. Only spoke to one but its more so the point. He told me he wouldnt contact his ex anymore about our problems or anything for that matter that didnt pertain to his daughter....That didnt happen. But yet I was told to not talk to my sons father...and 15 mins was way to long. He tells me what I cannot wear. EX. shirts that he doesnt approve of, shirts that are too low.

 

Im so stressed. Im here at work crying my eyes out at my situation. How can you love someone so much and they say how much they love you and they treat you like this? Mind you the issues do go further but for the most part he is my jealous, insecure, hipocritical boyfriend.

 

He says he wants to fix this but then does nothing..sometimes he says he wont change so I just need to leave.

 

But when I do leave he makes promises again.

 

Today we were discussing our issues and he told me that i didnt know how bad his jealousy hurt him. I told him I did bc I get those feelings when I see him looking at some hot blonde (self professed type)(Im a chubby bruntte) but I deal with my issues in an adult like mannor. He then turns the conversation on me saying that how could I help him when I was hiding my feelings and that I needed to work on my jealousy. Mind you that hasnt had much affect to our relationship.

 

He told me that affairs mostly start at the workplace and an affair is also non-sexual and thats why hes so bothered by me working closely to a man. But yet he emails women on Addiction forums disclosing his inner thoughts about our relationship and himself and his addiction issues. Things he doesnt even talk to me about. Could that not be classified as a non-sexual affair?

 

So then I suggested that he write a list of all the things that make him jealous, give them a number from 1-10 being how bad they bother him, then reason why. Hoping that I would help him see my side once he made his list and really saw how silly some of the things were.

He then turned that around and said I should do the same but pretend im him and he is me. Ummmm how can I do that when I think the things that set you off are obsurd???? Even in the reverse manner. But I told him I would because he really wanted me too. I guess he took that as he didnt need to do his bc he wanted to see what I wrote then put comments. How is that him helping himself? I did it to try to get deeper into in jealousy issues but clearly I fail... So now its the afternoon, we have not spoke all day.

 

And I am at the End of Ideas.

[Rorocher]

and the love in all this is exactly where again?

[Mr. Lucky]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 10 months and fell madly in love. I knew from the start that this relationship would be tough givin both of our baggage. But really these days who doesnt have baggage? He was going though a divorce with his wife that he had been with for 7 years. They had one child together and he had one from a previous umm well no way around it...One night stand. Though his mother takes care of the child and his ex takes care of their child.(being a single mom this a hard pill to take but thats a whole new thread). Number 1

 

Anyway, Him and the ex met very young got married and both were not faithfull to each other. At first he made it out to seem that his wife left him for another man and all that but once our relationship progressed I found out that he himself was not faithfull either and treated well, rather poorly. EX. checking her phone, calling her names, telling her what she could and couldnt wear. Although they both were wrong in the relationship he acted as if he wasnt responsible at all. Number 2

 

At first our relationship was something you would read about. We had the most amazing bond and friendship. It lasted maybe five months.

 

First, I found pictures of a so called "friends" whoha in his email....that he left open on my phone. Number 3 I left him. He assured me that they were older from when we first started dating and he had forgotten that they were there. I being madly in love as really I still am now. Took him back. But ofcourse I still felt betrayed. And just a side note...he had the largest porn collection known to man and was into some odd things. Number 4 My fault for not telling him then how much that bothered me but "I was in love"

 

Few weeks go by and things are fine untill one night he says we should break up because he is just going to hurt me in the long run and we should end it now. Number 5 (I was crushed but now I think I understand why he did it) The next day he said he was wrong. I took him back.

 

Then I notice him looking in my phone alot. He starts questioning what I am wearing or the fact that I have makeup on. Number 6 Makes it clear that me going out makes him uncomfortable so if I wanted to grab a beer with a friend or sister he would need advanced notice so he could make sure he had plans to get trashed and not sit at home wondering what im doing.

 

Also, I noticed a huge subtance abuse problem Number 7 and one night he even got violent with me. Number 8 (He is now sober and nothing like that anymore)

 

Then one night we get into a fight. I wake in the morning and I have about 5 texts that are clearly not for me since he calls me his ex wifes name....and is talking about the nasty (sexual) things he wants to do with her. Number 9 Again I am crushed. I dont trust him. My heart felt ripped out. I put myself though all this BS with him and he does that? Then he calls and tells me that those were just to hurt me and he would never really say those things to his ex. I dont belive him..so he makes his ex wife call me to tell me she never got those and they didnt even talk. Thats when she told me the how he treated her. Even after all that he would still run to his ex when we fought to tell her every detail. Number 10 He says its because they were together so long and I wouldnt understand since I was never with someone like that.

 

And what do I do. Take him back. Because love is real right and he can change.

 

We move in together and things are great. Hes a great father figure to my son, we both take a roll in household duties, and we just were the perfect team. Before this he made it clear he did not want me having male friends and I was ok with it thinking well he has trust issues. Then it just got worse and worse. He went though my planner Number 11 and noticed that the week after our first date I had a date planned with someone else whom was a friend before we decided to go on that date (which I never went on bc I was so smitten with him I cancelled the other) . That persons number was still in my phone and it was unacceptable (mind you at this point most of his female friends he had had sex with). He tells me to delete his number and if he tries to contact me in need to let him know and he will take care of it macho man kinda stuff. That night I texted this person to let him know that it made my boyfriend uncomfortable that I still spoke to him and I needed it to stop. Which was fine. My boyfriend while at work got into my phone records and saw that I had texted him after he clearly told me not to. And I not wanted to cause a fight and not knowing he was checking my records lied. Yes very wrong and I told him that. But my one lie now has cause him to be so jealous.

 

He hates the fact that my teammate at work is a man. Number 12 I called my co worker bud on the phone one time and he hasnt let it go and its been weeks. I put my foot down on the friends of his that he had slept with...but that didnt stop him. So I found my old male friends numbers and put them back into my phone. Only spoke to one but its more so the point. He told me he wouldnt contact his ex anymore about our problems or anything for that matter that didnt pertain to his daughter....That didnt happen. But yet I was told to not talk to my sons father Number 13...and 15 mins was way to long. He tells me what I cannot wear. EX. shirts that he doesnt approve of, shirts that are too low. Number 14

 

Im so stressed. Im here at work crying my eyes out at my situation. How can you love someone so much and they say how much they love you and they treat you like this? Mind you the issues do go further but for the most part he is my jealous, insecure, hipocritical boyfriend.

 

He says he wants to fix this but then does nothing..sometimes he says he wont change so I just need to leave.

 

But when I do leave he makes promises again.

 

Today we were discussing our issues and he told me that i didnt know how bad his jealousy hurt him. I told him I did bc I get those feelings when I see him looking at some hot blonde (self professed type)(Im a chubby bruntte) but I deal with my issues in an adult like mannor. He then turns the conversation on me saying that how could I help him when I was hiding my feelings and that I needed to work on my jealousy.Number 15 Mind you that hasnt had much affect to our relationship.

 

He told me that affairs mostly start at the workplace and an affair is also non-sexual and thats why hes so bothered by me working closely to a man. But yet he emails women on Addiction forums disclosing his inner thoughts about our relationship and himself and his addiction issues. Things he doesnt even talk to me about. Could that not be classified as a non-sexual affair?

 

So then I suggested that he write a list of all the things that make him jealous, give them a number from 1-10 being how bad they bother him, then reason why. Hoping that I would help him see my side once he made his list and really saw how silly some of the things were.

He then turned that around and said I should do the same but pretend im him and he is me. Ummmm how can I do that when I think the things that set you off are obsurd???? Even in the reverse manner. But I told him I would because he really wanted me too. I guess he took that as he didnt need to do his bc he wanted to see what I wrote then put comments. How is that him helping himself? I did it to try to get deeper into in jealousy issues but clearly I fail... So now its the afternoon, we have not spoke all day.

 

And I am at the End of Ideas.

As you can see, I started numbering the red flags with this guy and gave up when I got to 15. Does a truck have to run you over for you to see how unhealthy this relationship is for you and your son? Is this the example you want set for your child as to how men and women interact? Are you going to wait until hit he hits you again - or worse - before you have the strength to do something about it?

 

I'm hoping you have a friend or relative you can turn to for a temporary place to stay. Rather than the End of Ideas, you should be at the End of the Line. No ifs, ands or buts - get out and get out now...

 

Mr. Lucky

[georgiabell03]

and the love in all this is exactly where again?

 

 

The best what to describe it is To good to leave, To bad to stay. When its good it is amazing.

 

I know A. I cannot carry the burden of this relationship on my back alone.

and B. He needs to take responsability for his actions.

 

But can it be done?

[georgiabell03]

As you can see, I started numbering the red flags with this guy and gave up when I got to 15. Does a truck have to run you over for you to see how unhealthy this relationship is for you and your son? Is this the example you want set for your child as to how men and women interact? Are you going to wait until hit he hits you again - or worse - before you have the strength to do something about it?

 

I'm hoping you have a friend or relative you can turn to for a temporary place to stay. Rather than the End of Ideas, you should be at the End of the Line. No ifs, ands or buts - get out and get out now...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

Mr. Lucky, This is no example I want to set with my son. Luckly non of this is done or said infront of him. Thats not to say that children dont still sense things because I was a child once too and remember my parents having issues. Sadly, I dont have anywhere to go at this point But besides that... its no hope huh?...

[lonelyandfrustrated]

Being a single parent, even with all the struggles that come with it, is infinitely better than allowing your child to see you being treated like crap by some man.

[Rorocher]

The best what to describe it is To good to leave, To bad to stay. When its good it is amazing.

 

I know A. I cannot carry the burden of this relationship on my back alone.

and B. He needs to take responsability for his actions.

 

But can it be done?

 

I'm sorry hon, when you get the point that you start to say, when it's good, it's really good but when it's bad, it's horrible, it's definitely time for a reality check.

 

You, a grown ass woman, with a son to boot, at this stage of your life, having a man dictate what make-up you put on your face? Telling you that you shouldn't have male co-workers because he's afraid you might cheat?

 

Please, you don't need anyone telling you that this is an unhealthy situation. It's not a matter of "oh he's going to change" because a reasonable mature person would not even behave this way in the first place.

 

Run, don't look back. It's only been 10 months. My philosophy is if it starts out this bad, there is no point hanging around.

[You'reasian]

First off, your guy had a substance abuse issue. That's not a good thing. Anyone with a substance abuse issue needs to get tested right away or even better, randomly to make sure that they are not currently using or abusing something - especially if their job depends on being sober! Then get them counselling.

 

Secondly, everyone makes mistakes in past relationships - its how we learn.

 

Thirdly, you need to confront him about the largest porn collection known to man if it makes you uncomfrotable. Where is his collection? Tell him that you do not approve of this if you are going to be in a relationship with him.

 

If you found inappropriate pictures of his girl friends dressed inappropriately, then you need to confront him about it as well. Tell him that pictures of this are a deal breaker in your relationship with him.

 

Fourth, if you want to go out, just go out and tell him that you want to go out! You don't need his permission - but if you want to make it easier on him you could check in - that's your call.

 

Enough - if you need to be the person you want to be and find his actions controlling/jelaous, you need to tell him to stop - that he's completely at fault and that you need to move on and be free.

 

Simple.

 

If this guy is hitting you, you need to file a police report so he cannot hit you again. Stay away from him. Do not invite him into your living space. Keep him out.

 

- better yet, call him and tell him to stay away, follow up with a text (or email) so its in writing as well.

[georgiabell03]

First off' date=' your guy had a substance abuse issue. That's not a good thing. Anyone with a substance abuse issue needs to get tested right away or even better, randomly to make sure that they are not currently using or abusing something - [u']especially[/u] if their job depends on being sober!

 

Secondly, everyone makes mistakes in past relationships - its how we learn.

 

 

Thirdly, you need to confront him about the largest porn collection known to man if it makes you uncomfrotable. Where is his collection? Tell him that you do not approve of this if you are going to be in a relationship with him.

 

 

If you found inappropriate pictures of his girl friends dressed inappropriately, then you need to confront him about it as well.

 

 

Fourth, if you want to go out, just go out and tell him that you want to go out! You don't need his permission - but if you want to make it easier on him you could check in - that's your call.

 

 

Enough - if you need to be the person you want to be and find his actions controlling/jelaous, you need to tell him to stop - that he's completely at fault and that you need to move on and be free.

 

Simple.

 

If this guy is hitting you, you need to file a police report so he cannot hit you again. Stay away from him. Do not invite him into your living space. Keep him out.

 

First off, your guy had a substance abuse issue. That's not a good thing. Anyone with a substance abuse issue needs to get tested right away or even better, randomly to make sure that they are not currently using or abusing something - especially if their job depends on being sober!

 

HE HAS RANDOM WEEKLY BREATH TESTS AND DRUG TESTS I MADE THE COURT DEMAND WHEN HE HIT ME. BEEN CLEAN FOR 6 WEEKS.

 

Secondly, everyone makes mistakes in past relationships - its how we learn.

 

AGREED...BUT I SHOULDNT SUFFER FOR SOMEONE ELSE MISTAKE.

 

Thirdly, you need to confront him about the largest porn collection known to man if it makes you uncomfrotable. Where is his collection? Tell him that you do not approve of this if you are going to be in a relationship with him.

 

DONE. HE GOT RID OF IT ALL. NOT ONE VIDEO, PICTURE,OR FILE IN OUR HOME

 

If you found inappropriate pictures of his girl friends dressed inappropriately, then you need to confront him about it as well.

 

I DID AND FROM WHAT I KNOW HE HAS NOT CONTACTED THAT "FRIEND"

 

Fourth, if you want to go out, just go out and tell him that you want to go out! You don't need his permission - but if you want to make it easier on him you could check in - that's your call.

 

I TRIED THAT...BUT I JUST DONT FEEL I SHOULD HAVE TO CHECK IN WITH HIM ALL THE TIME. IF IM GOING TO TAKE THAT STEP TO HELP YOU...THEN HELP ME BY HELPING YOURSELF

 

Enough - if you need to be the person you want to be and find his actions controlling/jelaous, you need to tell him to stop - that he's completely at fault and that you need to move on and be free.

 

Simple.

 

If this guy is hitting you, you need to file a police report so he cannot hit you again. Stay away from him. Do not invite him into your living space. Keep him out

[You'reasian]

Geez - hearing stories like this makes me really appreciate being single with no kids.

[You'reasian]

HE HAS RANDOM WEEKLY BREATH TESTS AND DRUG TESTS I MADE THE COURT DEMAND WHEN HE HIT ME. BEEN CLEAN FOR 6 WEEKS.

 

Good on you. Atleast its in court records. And its going to hold him accountable.

 

AGREED...BUT I SHOULDNT SUFFER FOR SOMEONE ELSE MISTAKE.

 

Seek help for him. Encourage him to do so - that's all you can do.

 

DONE. HE GOT RID OF IT ALL. NOT ONE VIDEO, PICTURE,OR FILE IN OUR HOME

 

Nice. Sounds like an improvement?

 

I DID AND FROM WHAT I KNOW HE HAS NOT CONTACTED THAT "FRIEND"

 

Getting better. I guess its going to be hard for you to trust him? Especially since that friend contacted you so soon and you found that picture.

 

 

I TRIED THAT...BUT I JUST DONT FEEL I SHOULD HAVE TO CHECK IN WITH HIM ALL THE TIME. IF IM GOING TO TAKE THAT STEP TO HELP YOU...THEN HELP ME BY HELPING YOURSELF

 

You still need to stay away from this guy if he hit you. You got court orders - good, its on record - you really need to keep him out until you know he will not harm you in any way.

 

I wish you the best of luck, gb.

[Mr. Lucky]

you really need to keep him out until you know he will not harm you in any way.

And based on her story, when exactly is that ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[You'reasian]

I'm noticing a pattern here with posters, particularly female posters about there guy...

 

1. Guy hits me.

2. Guy has a substance addiction.

3. Guy has freaky porn collection.

4. Guy is mentally unstable.

5. Guy has gambling addiction.

6. Guy is gay.

 

Then when carefully asked about each of these, the guy doesn't really hit her - he just hits walls - then this hasn't been a problem in the last 3 weeks...

 

same thing with the substance addiction, freaky porn collection etc.

 

Sounds like serial spamming.

[georgiabell03]

I'm noticing a pattern here with posters, particularly female posters about there guy...

 

1. Guy hits me.

2. Guy has a substance addiction.

3. Guy has freaky porn collection.

4. Guy is mentally unstable.

5. Guy has gambling addiction.

6. Guy is gay.

 

Then when carefully asked about each of these, the guy doesn't really hit her - he just hits walls - then this hasn't been a problem in the last 3 weeks...

 

same thing with the substance addiction, freaky porn collection etc.

 

Sounds like serial spamming.

 

Why would someone spam about things like that? Although I do agree. Women sometimes do tend to make things seem more worse then they are.

 

UPDATE: I left him!

[Lishy]

Leave him honey!

 

I am serious, just get out!

 

The man is toxic and will break you bit by bit!

[You'reasian]

Why would someone spam about things like that? Although I do agree. Women sometimes do tend to make things seem more worse then they are.

 

UPDATE: I left him!

 

The whole he hit me -> well....actually he hit the walls..-> okay, he really didn't hit the wall, he just shut the door really hard -> etc. etc. isn't an exaggeration, its just flat out lying for attention or deception.

 

And on a serious note, congratulations.

[Walk]

UPDATE: I left him!

 

Good for you for knowing when to get out and doing so! That takes a huge amount of courage.

 

I just wanted to point out... you were talking about the good times and how great they were. Its important you realize that it's how he catches flies. You pour liberal amounts of honey down, and then torture them at your leisure. Every time you reach a breaking point, he'll pour on more honey to get you to come back. It's not a healthy for you to keep cycling through intense highs and intense lows.

 

I'm really happy for you that you took control back and made a choice about how you want to live your life. Keep looking forward. Focus on yourself and your child.

[HYS]

Good for you! Now don't let him sweet talk you into letting him back in your life. I know your EX BF's type. They are manipulating and controlling. Do you think he will try to hurt you or your son???