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Girls, Raise your hand if you use the Silent Treatment..?

georgejungle

By georgejungle
in General Relationship Discussion

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georgejungle Established Member

georgejungle

Posted
Posted

I just want to know how normal it is. My Wife is

Notorious for this tactic. If we argue a bit, (never straight out yelling)

she turns completely off, goes to bed without saying a word,

acts mute all of the sudden, no emotion. She just does NOT

want to talk about it and she won't.

 

How many ladies do this to their BF's Husbands significant

others?

EnigmasMuse Established Member

EnigmasMuse

Posted
Posted
I just want to know how normal it is. My Wife is

Notorious for this tactic. If we argue a bit, (never straight out yelling)

she turns completely off, goes to bed without saying a word,

acts mute all of the sudden, no emotion. She just does NOT

want to talk about it and she won't.

 

How many ladies do this to their BF's Husbands significant

others?

 

 

My ex-husband used to do this. Its a passive-agressive way to deal with things, or not deal with things I guess. It can be pretty draining to say the least, and a poor way to communicate. Have you asked her WHY she does this? Or will she just shut down on that too, and not tell you?

Trialbyfire Established Member

Trialbyfire

Posted
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I had an ex that did that. I learned to give it back since talking about it rarely resolved anything. A total exercise in futility.

stoopid_guy Established Member

stoopid_guy

Posted
Posted

I wish I got it more often, Peace and Quiet!!! :cool:

Touche Established Member

Touche

Posted
Posted

Funny...I see a pattern here. My ex did that too! And I've always thought it was a form of emotional abuse.

 

No, my husband and I never do that. We may shoot each other pouty or mean looks :mad: but no silent treatment here.

Touche Established Member

Touche

Posted
Posted
I wish I got it more often, Peace and Quiet!!! :cool:

 

:lmao::lmao: Hilarious! Sounds like something my H might say. (He's a clown too:p )

curiousnycgirl Established Member

curiousnycgirl

Posted
Posted

Oh boy I am totally guilty of this. It's not that I dont' want to have open communication - its generally because I am so angry I know I will say something I don't mean/will regret. So I wait until I have calmed down and can think more rationally before allowing myself to engage in the discussion.

 

I completely understand why one would think this is passive aggressive, but in my case it is simply a way to control my own stupid temper.

 

does that make any sense?

Touche Established Member

Touche

Posted
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Oh boy I am totally guilty of this. It's not that I dont' want to have open communication - its generally because I am so angry I know I will say something I don't mean/will regret. So I wait until I have calmed down and can think more rationally before allowing myself to engage in the discussion.

 

I completely understand why one would think this is passive aggressive, but in my case it is simply a way to control my own stupid temper.

 

does that make any sense?

 

It only makes sense if the other party is trying to talk to you and you say what you said here.

 

If they're trying to talk to you and you just give them the silent treatment, it's PA and immature.

Trialbyfire Established Member

Trialbyfire

Posted
Posted
Oh boy I am totally guilty of this. It's not that I dont' want to have open communication - its generally because I am so angry I know I will say something I don't mean/will regret. So I wait until I have calmed down and can think more rationally before allowing myself to engage in the discussion.

 

I completely understand why one would think this is passive aggressive, but in my case it is simply a way to control my own stupid temper.

 

does that make any sense?

Yes it does make sense but it's also reliant on how long you wait. Extended periods of waiting aren't due to controlling your own temper. They're due to controlling the situation and the other person, so you (generic) get to define the time and place, when you're at your best. This can result in the other person building up resentments during the period of silence and exploding on you.

curiousnycgirl Established Member

curiousnycgirl

Posted
Posted
Yes it does make sense but it's also reliant on how long you wait. Extended periods of waiting aren't due to controlling your own temper. They're due to controlling the situation and the other person, so you (generic) get to define the time and place, when you're at your best. This can result in the other person building up resentments during the period of silence and exploding on you.

 

Very good point. I try to explain, up front, that this is what i do when I get upset, so it is not a surprise when it happens. I also try to tell whomever I am explaining it to that I will always reach out once I've calmed down, to discuss the issue rationally - and that the decision to have that discussion is a two way street.

 

OY maybe I'm passive aggressive/controlling without meaning to be. Soemthing new to stress over!

Trialbyfire Established Member

Trialbyfire

Posted
Posted
Very good point. I try to explain, up front, that this is what i do when I get upset, so it is not a surprise when it happens. I also try to tell whomever I am explaining it to that I will always reach out once I've calmed down, to discuss the issue rationally - and that the decision to have that discussion is a two way street.

 

OY maybe I'm passive aggressive/controlling without meaning to be. Soemthing new to stress over!

In explaining to any SO this is the case but not taking too long, it's reasonable.

 

More and more, I think it's a personality difference, in that certain types are compatible. People who need to address issues in the here and now will go ballistic with this type of behaviour. I've found myself exploding in the past, so chose instead to give back what I got. In hindsight, neither method made either person happy so the best thing that happened, was for us to part ways...and we did!

 

Oh no, don't stress about it. Just keep it reasonable. :)

curiousnycgirl Established Member

curiousnycgirl

Posted
Posted
In explaining to any SO this is the case but not taking too long, it's reasonable.

 

More and more, I think it's a personality difference, in that certain types are compatible. People who need to address issues in the here and now will go ballistic with this type of behaviour. I've found myself exploding in the past, so chose instead to give back what I got. In hindsight, neither method made either person happy so the best thing that happened, was for us to part ways...and we did!

 

Oh no, don't stress about it. Just keep it reasonable. :)

 

Thanks for that - and yes I do keep it reasonable. Frankly if it goes too long, it becomes ancient history! I never go beyond 12 hours before bringing it up again, and if that long it's because it was overnight and sleep was involved.

 

I can honestly say that the "real" silent treatment where someone just refuses to speak at all and never addresses the issue is not something I could see myself doing. It's just really not an honorable way to behave IMHO

Trialbyfire Established Member

Trialbyfire

Posted
Posted
My ex wouldn't even tell me why he was mad. He'd just refuse to speak to me at all.

Jesus I hate that. Then they pretend nothing happened. Talk about the ingredients for a late night murder! :mad:

EnigmasMuse Established Member

EnigmasMuse

Posted
Posted
My ex wouldn't even tell me why he was mad. He'd just refuse to speak to me at all.

 

 

MY ex would do this to at times. Then there was a time when I asked him, why he did this, and he got mad and said, "You know why, I don't even know why you would ask me!"

 

Oh yeah, silly me, if I had known I wouldn't have asked. :rolleyes:

Angel1111 Established Member

Angel1111

Posted
Posted

I do this when I'm totally offended and conversation is either pointless, or has gone nowhere. I think the key thing to know about people who do this is that it's not in our nature to explain to people how to behave, or to discuss things that are incredibly obvious and offensive. I don't know about everyone else, but I learned a long time ago that if you have to keep explaining to someone that they're offending you, it's a losing battle. And I truly hate wasting my time so my silence is basically saying that I've made an attempt to get you to understand and since you don't, I'm all out of conversation....and I refuse to waste my time.

 

Maybe a dangerous mentality but it's very real because I will not get sucked into pointless conversations. And that's pretty much the way I see it when I reach the 'silent' point. Maybe your wife does, too. If a person continues to act clueless, or does the same thing over and over again - even though I've explained it to them more than once - I will clam up because I honestly have run out of things to say and it fully annoys me to continue having the conversation.

 

It's not really a 'treatment', although it feels like it to you. It's really more of a person's nature to do this when they are completely frustrated and conversation has been exhausted, or they are so offended that it requires no discussion.

 

I dated someone who also did this and in a way it was good because he and I never argued - because we both had the same nature where we would withdraw when pissed off or offended. He was way more sensitive than me so sometimes it hurt me when he withdrew and I didn't understand why. But he would bounce back pretty quick and I didn't see his behavior as being a dealbreaker. It was way better than my former husband who preferred yelling for 2 hrs over minor things.

 

A number of things could be going on in your relationship. Your wife may be doing this as a game, but she also may be doing it because you're totally clueless about what you're doing to upset her so much. It could also be that she is very intent on getting her way and doesn't want to compromise, or it may be that you're so stubborn and unreasonable that she no longer wants to discuss it, and chooses to leave you to figure it out for yourself. When I stop talking after attempting to discuss something, it's because I have either written off the argument as unresolvable, or because I need to think about things before I can discuss it further - and that at that point, I'm too upset to carry on regular conversation.

Touche Established Member

Touche

Posted
Posted
I was soooo young when we got married! Once, during one of his little "episodes," after two days of not speaking to me, we both got home from work and suddenly he was acting like nothing was wrong. I was so relieved to have things back to "normal" that later, when he started to get frisky, I was open to some play. Little did I know that the next morning he was going to go right back to the silent treatment. :mad: What an a55 wipe!

 

Was his name Bill?:laugh:

blair08 Established Member

blair08

Posted
Posted

I think its one thing to do it on an occasion, especially if one is really upset and needs to calm down.

 

It is another though if this is a way a person acts just about all the time when it comes to dealing with a situation.

 

I truly believe that people who do this alot, its a learned bevavior. Not that it can't be unlearned, but of course they would have to be willing to come out from behind the slient treatment wall in order to do so.

Touche Established Member

Touche

Posted
Posted

You always crack me up, luv.

 

Actually Bill's middle name was a55 wipe.;)

blair08 Established Member

blair08

Posted
Posted
I was soooo young when we got married! Once, during one of his little "episodes," after two days of not speaking to me, we both got home from work and suddenly he was acting like nothing was wrong. I was so relieved to have things back to "normal" that later, when he started to get frisky, I was open to some play. Little did I know that the next morning he was going to go right back to the silent treatment. :mad: What an a55 wipe!

 

 

Oh holy cow! This sounds just like my sister's husband. He does this crap, where he will act like an ass for whatever reason, be nice long enough to get what he wants from her (could be anything really) and then he will go right back to acting like an ass after he gets what he wants. :mad:

 

The even worse part is, my sister continues to allow it, then complains about it instead of getting rid of the thorn in her side. :mad:

 

Even though she has allowed it, I wonder what makes some people like this to begin with. People who will be one way one minute, then another the next to get what they want, and then go right back to the way they were? Learned bevavior to I guess?

JackJack Established Member

JackJack

Posted
Posted

I will agree that I think it is a learned behavior too. My wife's dad was like this with her mother. Lots of silence in that household it seemed.

 

I am thankful though, my wife does not do this. She always told me she didn't like how he father would treat her mother when he did this, she saw her mother hurt from it, and she didn't want to treat someone else like that.

 

Her mother also stayed with him, my guess is, over the years he helped to diminish her self esteem, so she just took it, accepted it, and lived with it. It's sad.

Touche Established Member

Touche

Posted
Posted

My ex asked for sex the night before I was to move out. I turned him down.

 

The next day, right before I was to leave, everything packed up and ready to go, I asked him for a hug goodbye. I knew we'd never see each other again as I was moving out of state, he refused me.

 

I was SOOOOO glad I didn't give in the night before. Jerk!

 

After 9 years together, no hug but wanted me to eff him the night before.:sick:

 

God, was I stupid!

Trialbyfire Established Member

Trialbyfire

Posted
Posted
I have no clue what would make a person behave this way. There is no way I would live my entire life with a guy like that. No f'ing way.

Me neither. It would just get worse and worse since you have no way to blow off negative energy or resolve issues, only the continuous opportunity to harbour resentments.

 

When I say ballistic, this doesn't mean yelling and screaming. I rarely if never raise my voice. If anything, the more angry I get, the lower the decibel. The lower the decibel, the more intent the voice gets. You know that I mean business, even though the worst name I've ever called a partner was prick!

JackJack Established Member

JackJack

Posted
Posted
My ex asked for sex the night before I was to move out. I turned him down.

 

The next day, right before I was to leave, everything packed up and ready to go, I asked him for a hug goodbye. I knew we'd never see each other again as I was moving out of state, he refused me.

 

I was SOOOOO glad I didn't give in the night before. Jerk!

 

After 9 years together, no hug but wanted me to eff him the night before.:sick:

 

God, was I stupid!

 

No pu**y, no huggy! :p:lmao:

Touche Established Member

Touche

Posted
Posted
No pu**y, no huggy! :p:lmao:

 

:lmao: I guesss....

Touche Established Member

Touche

Posted
Posted
I guess in your case, the garbage did get taken out, eh? ;)

 

In that case, yes.

 

I'm still waiting for it to be taken out around here though..we're getting there. Just not quite there yet.;)

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