gd26 Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 Hi there. It seems in a lot of threads, people are trying to get over exes who were jerks, losers, etc. However, I was just wondering if getting over someone sweet and kind almost makes it harder. Like you can talk to that person for several hours at a time, and absolutely love one another's company and feel like you are both 'the one' for each other.... but there is some unavoidable compatibility issues.... like you want to have children someday, but your partner doesn't or something like that. Obviously something like having children isn't something that can be compromised on. Perhaps that person will change his mind, but most likely he won't. And you wonder if you may change your mind in the future... and thus don't want to lose someone you really care about, as you both are so right for one another. I know with the last guy I liked, I have not one bad thing to say about him... I have deepest admiration and respect for him, and know that I'd have fun conversing with him for the rest of my life. And I just wish he could always be mine. I was just wondering what people thought about this.
nowhereman82 Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 I imagine in that situation it would be very hard. Most people find that focusing on the bad their ex has done helps them get over it. Perhaps you need to search hard for the negative and focus on it.
Ingenue Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 I'm in a bit of a situation like this. My ex is basically a good guy and for whatever reason the compatibility between us just faded on his part. I don't tend to vilify him on these boards because deep down he is a good guy (I will express my dissatisfaction with his less than good means of breaking up with me). It's hard for me to close that chapter of my life because we were best friends. In one email break up, I lost my lover and best friend all at once. I have a few friends who encourage me to get angry and bitter over him, but I don't feel that way. I understand where he's coming from and the head space that he's in. I really do wish him the best and hope that one day down the road, we might become friends again. As nowhereman said, it is much easier to focus on the bad things in the relationship, on the things that aren't so easily overlooked when the rosy glow of love fades. Otherwise, if you think of your ex positively when the wound is still raw, you're just reminiscing and waxing nostalgic without actually moving on and healing. In time when you no longer are in love with your ex, you can traipse down memory lane. But until that time, it's best not to focus on those things. I've found that to be the case in my situation.
BCCA Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 Regardless of how my ex has acted since/during the break up, there was a reason I spent the last 4 years with this person. There is good in everyone, but you cant sugarcoat anything theyve dont to you. Breaking your heart, for whatever reason they can come up with, is not something any "friend" of mine has ever done. Focusing on the bad lets you get a realistic perspective. Often times, we focus on only the good and beat ourselves up about what we could have done better or differently. So while its hard to move on from some one how had many good points and that i was ready to spend my life with, I realize now that if they could just walk away from me and what we had, they dont care all that much about me.
RogueAC Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 GD, this sounds similar to my current situation. My ex and I want and need different things out of life. The breakup has been very painful and difficult to process (2 weeks now). I don’t think that he was perfect nor have I put him on a pedestal but I do still think he is a genuinely good person. Nevertheless, I am still very much in love with him and so it will be a long process of personal growth for me to let him go. I feel angry that 1.) I went so far into the relationship without a clear understanding of my intentions and/or his intentions and 2.) the events of actual breakup itself. It is frustrating because we were very good together and our relationship was definitely special; but I am realizing that while he may have been someone important in my life, he is probably not the person I thought that he is (i.e. a long-term life partner). Part of my grieving process is also to let go of roles I wanted this person to play in my life: partner, friend, companion, husband, father. I try to focus on the things that I want out of life and on me being wonderful – not on him being wonderful. Personally, I am not looking for someone wonderful but authentic and willing to try to live a better more fulfilling life. I also try to have faith that these events will make me stronger so that I will be able to more clearly recognize myself and my wants and needs. Just my thoughts to share...
tealeafbud Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 you must reach down into the deepest, darkest, nastiest bowels of the relationship and find something, anything negative about him. C'mon, there must have been SOMETHING wrong with him: some mild BO, long nose hairs, a slight lisp, funny walk, something! Just kidding. it's gotta make it harder in some respects, but it's probably just as easy to get over anyone no matter how good they were to you.
LikeCharlotte Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 I have a little to say on this subject. First, I still think my latest ex is essentially a good guy. He just was an a$$ post break-up. I guess I should be grateful because it was easy to let him go knowing he was really an absolute loser the whole time and just hiding very well. Again, I still think he's great. Just not for me at all. Second, the previous one is an absolute angel. We spent many good years together and were very happy. We still talk every day and have become good friends. The issues that made us split were not within our control. We had the same ideas about politics, religion, children, life goals, even our taste in movies art, decorating, music were the same. We were frighteningly alike and never would have made it for so long if we weren't. i can say that we did have some differences: He is less social more logical and incredibly curt while I am more outgoing, creative and tactful. We both loved the others qualities that were different and it made a good match when we had to make decisions or do something difficult. Yet he became clinically depressed and withdrew while we were planning to buy a house and get married. Suddenly he was reluctant to do much of anything and I became more and more frustrated. The intimacy and sex took a dive and I felt abandoned, alone and overworked (I took on all of our responsibilities that weren't financial). I would have stayed with him but he was unwilling to seek professional help and after a year of it with no end in sight and our future staring me dead in the face I asked him to leave. We agreed that I was too frustrated and getting too hurt and to prolong it not knowing if he would get better without therapy (he refuses) it was better to go our separate ways. It remains one of the hardest things I have ever had to do but it was the right decision. He is better now and we have both moved on with no anger or bitterness between us. It wasn't easy to navigate through the emotions and loss but in the end we both gained much more than we lost and I'm happy to have him as my friend. So, it was harder to lose someone through no fault but circumstance but with a little strength the rewards are greater as well.
LikeCharlotte Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 you must reach down into the deepest, darkest, nastiest bowels of the relationship and find something, anything negative about him. C'mon, there must have been SOMETHING wrong with him: some mild BO, long nose hairs, a slight lisp, funny walk, something! Just kidding. it's gotta make it harder in some respects, but it's probably just as easy to get over anyone no matter how good they were to you.TLB!!!! Nose hair! LOL. In that vein, yeah, no one is perfect. Oh and to amend my earlier comment the latest ex really isn't a loser. I was being facetious. It didn't come across in text as well as I'd hoped.
MalachiX Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 I know how you feel. When I was breaking up with my EX, most people seemed to have much better reasons to move on, describing how horrid they were in a variety of areas and citing things like cheating or addiction. I do think it's harder when you still think your EX is a great person. I guess what I've had to do is realize that, at least in this point in my life and hers, we just weren't working together. I largely think the fault was my own but I can accept that because I know I tried as hard as I was capable of and couldn't make the realtionship work. It's very hard no doubt. I'll be fine for weeks and then remember something wonderful she did that made me very happy or remember some great times and how in love I was and suddenly I want to crawl into a hole and die. The way I deal with this is not to villify her however (I don't think that's healthy or fair) but rather to remember ways in which the relationship wasn't working for either her or me. I remember how trying to make the relationship work paralyzed me in so many other aspects of my life. I remember how frustrated and hurt she would get and how much time we spent arguing over trivial things. More than anything, I just remember how many times we came to the realization that we weren't right for each other at this time. You don't have to make this person a monster. It may make things easier but, if they weren't, it's not really honest. It's kind of like when a bone is broken and it's quickly patched back together without being properly set. You may heal faster but you won't heal properly because you're healing under false pretenses (maybe I should just stick to baseball metaphores...) Comeing to terms with something painful requires honesty; not a quick fix.
replicator Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 Hi there. It seems in a lot of threads, people are trying to get over exes who were jerks, losers, etc. However, I was just wondering if getting over someone sweet and kind almost makes it harder. Like you can talk to that person for several hours at a time, and absolutely love one another's company and feel like you are both 'the one' for each other.... but there is some unavoidable compatibility issues.... like you want to have children someday, but your partner doesn't or something like that. Obviously something like having children isn't something that can be compromised on. Perhaps that person will change his mind, but most likely he won't. And you wonder if you may change your mind in the future... and thus don't want to lose someone you really care about, as you both are so right for one another. I know with the last guy I liked, I have not one bad thing to say about him... I have deepest admiration and respect for him, and know that I'd have fun conversing with him for the rest of my life. And I just wish he could always be mine. I was just wondering what people thought about this. I loved my ex - and I still do. Regardless of what she did, I've never met anyone with so much compassion and care for me. Nobody who put me first beyond all else, until the one day she left me. It is extremely hard to forget her, and all the things she did for me. The pain of losing someone like that is almost too much for me accept, but the memories we have are irrevokable, and I'll always carry her heart and her spirit whereever I go. While things may have changed forever, at one moment in time, I had her and she had me. It may have been a fleeting moment, but those times will always live within me. Though I cry sometimes when I think of her, I never want to forget what we shared. It is so damn painful to carry these memories, but I never want to lose them - they define who I am.
sunshinegirl Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 I have been through both kinds of breakups: where the guy is a jerk (cheater); and where the guy is a really good person. My 2005 ex was a fundamentally good person and we seemed to be heading toward engagement, not breaking up. But he dumped me, unexpectedly, and I never got much closure from him as to why. I was *devastated*, crushed beyond measure. And because we had only dated for 6 months, we were still in the honeymoon phase where they do no wrong and you don't see the cracks and foibles and imperfections - so I had nothing "bad" about him to help me move on! It took me over a year to get over him and finally the thing that helped the most was realizing that EVEN IF everything else about him was great, he handled the end pretty badly/insensitively. I wanted, and deserved, to be with someone who was more compassionate than that. My current ex is by any measure a humongous selfish insensitive jerk. You would think it would be easier to get over someone who cheats on you...but, oddly enough, there's a whole different kind of pain involved: where you have to re-evaluate who you thought they were. I thought he was a good guy. I thought I could trust him. It turns out that I couldn't, so what does that say about my judgment? In many ways, pain is pain is pain when it comes to breakups. It's hell no matter what the circumstances are. BUT, in my experience, I have *always* come to be thankful that the relationship ended. I have yet to look back on an ex and think "wow, they really WERE the 'one' for me."
chacha7 Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 its definently hard for me...my bf was not a bad person, just selfish and we were incompatible in many ways. I almost wish there was something more wrong that happened so that this breakup could feel more justified and less confusing. My only other bf was becoming a druggie and had more obviously bad qualities so the choice was clear, but even breaking things off with him was difficult. It's just never easy, but worse when there was no obvious glaring reason to end it. I just know I've tried everything and was the best gf I could be to him and think about many of the ways he was not the best bf he could be for me. That makes it easier.
Meaplus3 Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 Hi there. It seems in a lot of threads, people are trying to get over exes who were jerks, losers, etc. However, I was just wondering if getting over someone sweet and kind almost makes it harder. Like you can talk to that person for several hours at a time, and absolutely love one another's company and feel like you are both 'the one' for each other.... but there is some unavoidable compatibility issues.... like you want to have children someday, but your partner doesn't or something like that. Obviously something like having children isn't something that can be compromised on. Perhaps that person will change his mind, but most likely he won't. And you wonder if you may change your mind in the future... and thus don't want to lose someone you really care about, as you both are so right for one another. I know with the last guy I liked, I have not one bad thing to say about him... I have deepest admiration and respect for him, and know that I'd have fun conversing with him for the rest of my life. And I just wish he could always be mine. I was just wondering what people thought about this. Yeah..I know what you mean! I had this most terrifc guy in my life at one point..I could talk to him for hours he was like NO other. I was comfortable in every conversation we had.. and telling him everything. I respected and admired him.. and then he hit the road. It has been difficult getting over him because he was always so nice and I enjoyed him. AP:)
Angel1111 Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 I'm trying to get over someone like this, too, although we're not together for other reasons. It's really hard because it has shaken my belief in love way more than something horrible like my last marriage where the guy was just mean and nasty. Then this guy comes along and he is the complete antithesis of my ex. But because it didn't work out, I don't know what to do with that, I don't know how to trust anymore and, worse, I don't know how to trust myself and my judgement. On the other hand, I don't have the feelings of anger and extreme dislike that I had from my last marriage. So I guess in one way it's good and in other ways, it's shattering. As my sister said to me, 'Well at least you're attracting better men now.' That part is true and gives me hope for the future I suppose. Still hard to get past, and hard to let go.
Rooster_DAR Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 Digging up the negatives about my EX did help me get through the breakup very well, but I tend to see the positive things and remember the girl I originally fell in love with, and it makes it hard to forget her despite how bad I was fu**ed over. I guess I still lover the person I used to know, I miss that person more than anything. We did everything together and the simplest things were what I loved the most. The walks around our neighborhood holding hands, the weekend country drives, and going to estate sales and antique shops, and learning new recipes to cook for eachother. OK, enough of this crap.
ahhhchooo Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 Her negatives: - She broke every promise she made, in the end. Honestly, it's the only negative I can find. Even post break up, she's still unbearably nice, bar the fact I'm basically on permanent ignore unless I make the first contact, in which case we still have friendly chats and there's still not a thing we can't talk about. ... and that's why I need to go NC 3 days and counting. No hard feelings, I now have closure, I don't expect her to ever come back. It'd be a massive surprise if she did.
Recommended Posts