redfathom Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 When my H's porn use was out of control I went on the pc and typed in the search engine and task bar things like: "huge c*ock", "Big black D*ick" to see if he would get pissed. He never mentioned anything to me, so I am not sure if he even found it.
redfathom Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 So if men can entertain their fantasies (a need) by looking at porn do you think it's fair that woman should be able to entertain their need to feel attractive or "good enough" and go to a bar and flirt with as many men as possible? These things are both "needs" and depending on the person both could be considered inappropriate to that person.
grogster Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 I don't disagree that there are two extremes to this. The insecure and the addict. You'll find that I rarely side with the women who are insecure, unless their SO made an agreement previous, to not view porn. Once an agreement has been reached, people need to hold to their commitments. This doesn't include dictating terms. Perhaps people need to be more realistic in their search for the right SO. The guy who agrees to something he can't uphold shouldn't be trying to deceive his SO, instead either standing firm with his rights to view as long as they're reasonable, or finding someone with compatible values. The same holds true for women who have issues. Set down your boundaries and make him accountable for them or walk, finding someone with compatible values. Sage advice, TBF. However, if folks followed your wise counsel there would be no more endless porn threads. We can't have that.
Trialbyfire Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 there would be no more endless porn threads. We can't have that. Can't argue with that!
Lizzie60 Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 Thing is .. women don't get hooked on porn as much as men.. it is very rare.. I doubt any male LSer had a problem with this..
JackJack Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 I wouldn't have a problem with it, as long as it didn't interfere or take place of our sex life. If that happeend, then yeah there's a problem, and I would think if that were the case, it probably goes way deeper than just porn.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 When my H's porn use was out of control I went on the pc and typed in the search engine and task bar things like: "huge c*ock", "Big black D*ick" to see if he would get pissed. He never mentioned anything to me, so I am not sure if he even found it. I have a funny story about this! I came in one moring and found what I thought was my account signed online. I pulled down the drop down to go the the site I was last on and got an eye full! My husbands account was signed on but my 11 year old uses it to play two games that he can't access from his account so I freaked out. I don't really have a problem with men occasionally looking at porn. I asked my husband if he had been on the computer the night before and he confirmed it so I was releived. Later that night, I'm sitting with him and its eating at me a tad. I slipped into my study to search something similar to the above to have it opened when he came in to check on me. I get the search page open and hear foot steps so I clicked on the first thing I could find and it pops open. There are 60 to 80 year old grossly overweight men doing gay bondage and in costume. He looks at the computer I look and him and we both almost ruptured a spleen. The rest of the night it became a hysterical game with me pulling up the sights and him coming into check. Before bed he said, "honey, is that what you really want?" Another spleen rupture for both of us! From what I saw though, what is available to women is severely lacking!
redfathom Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 From what I saw though, what is available to women is severely lacking! So true most of the words I searched for came up with gay sites, so it is very hard to find porn that most woman would like. That is an awesome story...I should do this to my H with some lesbians, but first take a few days to point out all te hot chicks we se on TV or in public.
fral945 Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 fral, most people, male or female, don't particularly care if porn is viewed at a reasonable level and has no impact into daily life, thus relationship. Once it starts to infringe on daily life, it becomes a problem or addiction. TBF, I would argue that statement you made is true for men but not women. Looking at these boards, quite a few women have voiced their dislike for it. Like one other poster pointed out, there are women who have stated that they are upset if a man even thinks about another woman sexually. I would say for women it is far from most.
You'reasian Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 OK, discuss. PS. NOtice I did NOT say the men didn't look at it at all. THis is also based on if the woman he is with looks at it ALOT, more than he does. And it could be she is possibly starting to choose more porn over you. This is a hypothetical situation of course. Whether a man or woman (or both) are looking at porn more than being with their partner, they should probably bring the issue to the table and deal with it - I've stated this again and again in the cases where the woman has complained about their men doing this. What has exactly caused this shift from partner to porn? Why?
fral945 Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 Perhaps people need to be more realistic in their search for the right SO. The guy who agrees to something he can't uphold shouldn't be trying to deceive his SO, instead either standing firm with his rights to view as long as they're reasonable, or finding someone with compatible values. The same holds true for women who have issues. Set down your boundaries and make him accountable for them or walk, finding someone with compatible values. TBF, I wish it were that easy. The problem is if a guy was actually truly open and honest upfront about his porn use early on he most likely will get dumped right away. I can understand why most guys hide their porn use, because they know that many women are bothered by it. You look better in the eyes of a woman if you are not (or they think you are not) one of the majority of guys that looks at porn, especially the more hardcore porn. Just out of curiosity, has a guy you were dating (or in a relationship with) ever been upfront about his porn use and how did you take it (if so)?
fral945 Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 So true most of the words I searched for came up with gay sites, so it is very hard to find porn that most woman would like. redfathom, it's hard to find because it doesn't exist. Read this article, it's an interesting study on how internet porn is marketed to women vs. men: To women: http://www.netnanny.com/learn_center/article/122 To men:http://www.netnanny.com/learn_center/article/117
Trialbyfire Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 TBF, I wish it were that easy. The problem is if a guy was actually truly open and honest upfront about his porn use early on he most likely will get dumped right away. I can understand why most guys hide their porn use, because they know that many women are bothered by it. You look better in the eyes of a woman if you are not (or they think you are not) one of the majority of guys that looks at porn, especially the more hardcore porn. Just out of curiosity, has a guy you were dating (or in a relationship with) ever been upfront about his porn use and how did you take it (if so)? How fair is it to yourself and the girl involved, to not be open about it, when it can heavily impact on a relationship later on? Isn't it counterproductive to hide it since it can easily turn into WW3, hurt feelings, control issues and insecurities? What's worse? A hellish relationship or a little disclosure? fral, I have a strange attitude towards standard porn. It's a joke to me. It makes me laugh since it's so fake. With this in mind, I do throw out a few comments and questions early on in the dating process, to find out if they do or don't indulge and if so, what kind and to what degree. If you're relaxed enough with your comments and questions, they'll also be relaxed. So to answer your question, no, no guy has been upfront without the right prompting. Most have fessed up to using it. To be honest, I don't really believe too many men who claim not to use it to some degree, whatever the medium, be it pictures, movies, whatever.
c-riouz Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 Just out of curiosity, has a guy you were dating (or in a relationship with) ever been upfront about his porn use and how did you take it (if so)? My bf did, he asked after a couple of months of dating about my thoughts on porn. Back then I said I wouldn't have a problem with it, which was true, but the more I thought about it, the more it disturbed me. One reason is that the mental image of someone pathetically sitting in front of screen and wacking off to watching other people f*** is just a huge turn off (mind you, not the masturbating itself, but the porn). The other reason is (and this question gets asked so often as a justification in these forums, as I've been lurking around for quite some time) that I don't think and fantasize about anybody else when I'm having fun with myself. I'm exclusively focused on and committed to my bf, I am completely physically and mentally monogamous, so I expect the same in return. Sure, I NOTICE other people, but it never goes beyond that. I do not wonder what his c*** looks like or how he would be between the sheets. I just don't care, because to my bf is enough for me. And the fact that he needs porn just signals that apparently I am not enough. I often read the excuse "men are not as imaginative as women" in order to justify porn consumption to help along the masturbation process, but to me it's just a weak excuse. Again, I don't mind masturbation (because often in many of the countless threads about porn here on LS masturbation and porn are lumped together when other posters justify porn use), it's just the porn that bothers me. To me it's kinda like mental cheating. Men tend to use their "hormones" as a justification, well, all right, I will use my hormones then to act bitchy during a certain time of a month. Hormones are no justification, we are no cavemen anymore and have evolved.
Mary3 Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 I love Porn. The huge c*** are amazing aren't they ? If I had a bf who was concerned that I now like pron well he would have to just get used to it. I have a high libido. Even while in a relationship I like to play.... There is so much to see out there. Did I used to like it ? No. I started out small. Then graduated into : WOW look at that and I was eventually hooked. Hurt my sex life ? Nah . The pron is a different world ( as I have explained to women that are worried about pron ) . Its a fantasy world. You get to be vouyeristic and see cool stuff. You are not going to find most of that going on in your own bedroom... Well you * could * but you have to do a revamp on your lingerie , toys and apparatus's.. You could say it demeans women. I don't think so. You could do vicious scenes and depict rapes and other awful stuff that might be on the internet. But its more fantasy based . The only thing that bothers me is the 5 guys wanking on 1 girl. Thats just disrespectful...
D-Lish Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 I love watching porn. I'll watch it once or twice a day to relieve some stress:eek:
fral945 Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 How fair is it to yourself and the girl involved, to not be open about it, when it can heavily impact on a relationship later on? Isn't it counterproductive to hide it since it can easily turn into WW3, hurt feelings, control issues and insecurities? What's worse? A hellish relationship or a little disclosure? I never said it was fair to hide it. Men hide it because they know the other option (full or even partial disclosure) doesn't work. Men want women, men want sex, and they know they won't get it by being honest about porn. You've only got to read a few posts to realize that it bothers women. They start getting all these questions in their head "Am I good looking enough?", "Does he not love me?", etc. etc. From an objective standpoint, it's not counterproductive because once men get the relationship established, generally by the time the woman finds out she has developed feelings and is attached. This means that even though the women might be upset, she may be more willing to work things out because she has invested time and has an emotional attachment to the man. If the guy tells her right away, she decides he's a pervert, dumps him, and tries to find someone else. Obviously, from the posts we see on here, many men do take the hellish relationship route. If the option is hellish relationship or no relationship, I think a lot of guys are gonna take that chance. I can tell you personally I don't talk about it unless a woman brings it up. I admit I watch my fair share of porn. I'll admit it on an anonymous forum like this, but you'd probably have to pull my teeth for me to admit it to any women I'd date. I'm pretty sure they'd have a much lower opinion of me if they found out I did. With this in mind, I do throw out a few comments and questions early on in the dating process, to find out if they do or don't indulge and if so, what kind and to what degree. If you're relaxed enough with your comments and questions, they'll also be relaxed. So to answer your question, no, no guy has been upfront without the right prompting. Most have fessed up to using it. To be honest, I don't really believe too many men who claim not to use it to some degree, whatever the medium, be it pictures, movies, whatever. You obviously have an accurate view of men. I wouldn't believe them either if they said they never did. The thing is, though, even if they do admit it, it's very likely they are downplaying the degree of their use. I wish I could be honest about it, but I don't ever envision myself ever fully disclosing my porn use to any woman. I'll admit if she probes, but I know how much it hurts them, and I always do my best to downplay it. Being completely honest just doesn't work in the real world.
Mary3 Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 I love watching porn. I'll watch it once or twice a day to relieve some stress:eek: You go Girl ! I can find myself on there several times a day too. Sometimes thoughts enter my head and I go look. ........
Mary3 Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 I never said it was fair to hide it. Men hide it because they know the other option (full or even partial disclosure) doesn't work. Men want women, men want sex, and they know they won't get it by being honest about porn. You've only got to read a few posts to realize that it bothers women. They start getting all these questions in their head "Am I good looking enough?", "Does he not love me?", etc. etc. From an objective standpoint, it's not counterproductive because once men get the relationship established, generally by the time the woman finds out she has developed feelings and is attached. This means that even though the women might be upset, she may be more willing to work things out because she has invested time and has an emotional attachment to the man. If the guy tells her right away, she decides he's a pervert, dumps him, and tries to find someone else. Obviously, from the posts we see on here, many men do take the hellish relationship route. If the option is hellish relationship or no relationship, I think a lot of guys are gonna take that chance. I can tell you personally I don't talk about it unless a woman brings it up. I admit I watch my fair share of porn. I'll admit it on an anonymous forum like this, but you'd probably have to pull my teeth for me to admit it to any women I'd date. I'm pretty sure they'd have a much lower opinion of me if they found out I did. You obviously have an accurate view of men. I wouldn't believe them either if they said they never did. The thing is, though, even if they do admit it, it's very likely they are downplaying the degree of their use. I wish I could be honest about it, but I don't ever envision myself ever fully disclosing my porn use to any woman. I'll admit if she probes, but I know how much it hurts them, and I always do my best to downplay it. Being completely honest just doesn't work in the real world. Men want sex ? Don't women ?
c-riouz Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 Fral, so you think it's cool to lie (by omission) in order to get your way? Speculating on emotional attachment before revealing the truth? You are willing to risk hurting her just to get your way great start into a relationship......I pity the woman who will end up with you - she'll probably be on this forum one day, contributing to one of the countless threads which go along the lines of "found out my SO watches porn, help".
fral945 Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 One reason is that the mental image of someone pathetically sitting in front of screen and wacking off to watching other people f*** is just a huge turn off (mind you, not the masturbating itself, but the porn). The other reason is (and this question gets asked so often as a justification in these forums, as I've been lurking around for quite some time) that I don't think and fantasize about anybody else when I'm having fun with myself. I'm exclusively focused on and committed to my bf, I am completely physically and mentally monogamous, so I expect the same in return. I'm glad you posted. I want to pick your brain a bit. What percentage of men would you guess are mentally monogamous (i.e., never have sexual thoughts about other women) when they are in a relationship? And do you think there are some basic gender differences that are not just physical, but also mental? Such as the power of visual sexual stimulation being greater in men than women? Sure, I NOTICE other people, but it never goes beyond that. I do not wonder what his c*** looks like or how he would be between the sheets. I just don't care, because to my bf is enough for me. And the fact that he needs porn just signals that apparently I am not enough. And your logic is based on the fact that his mind operates just like yours. I guarantee you no matter how attractive and great you are, if you're boyfriend sees a beautiful women, he will have sexual thoughts about her, no matter how in love he is and how sexually satisfied he is with you. Those kinds of thoughts are involuntary. If you are looking for a man that doesn't have those thoughts he doesn't exist. Again, I don't mind masturbation (because often in many of the countless threads about porn here on LS masturbation and porn are lumped together when other posters justify porn use), it's just the porn that bothers me. To me it's kinda like mental cheating. Then if masturbation is ok, what would be ok for them to masturbate to? Men tend to use their "hormones" as a justification, well, all right, I will use my hormones then to act bitchy during a certain time of a month. Hormones are no justification, we are no cavemen anymore and have evolved. But we are still animals. Obviously, we are smarter, but we still have animal urges. There is no denying that.
c-riouz Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 Fral, so you think it's cool to lie (by omission) in order to get your way? Speculating on emotional attachment before revealing the truth? You are willing to risk hurting her just to get your way - great start into a relationship......I pity the woman who will end up with you - she'll probably be on this forum one day, contributing to one of the countless threads which go along the lines of "found out my SO watches porn, help".
fral945 Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 Fral, so you think it's cool to lie (by omission) in order to get your way? Speculating on emotional attachment before revealing the truth? You are willing to risk hurting her just to get your way great start into a relationship......I pity the woman who will end up with you - she'll probably be on this forum one day, contributing to one of the countless threads which go along the lines of "found out my SO watches porn, help". I didn't say it was cool. I just said that it works. Do you believe otherwise? Have you ever had a successful relationship with a man that has been upfront and honest with his porn use? Do you know any woman that has? Unless the man doesn't use porn at all, it is unlikely he will ever be upfront about it. BTW, I would never get into a serious relationship with a woman that was completely against porn. I will always tell the truth if a woman asks me if I use porn. What I would be more hesitant to not tell her is the degree and type that I watch.
fral945 Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 Men want sex ? Don't women ? Ok, ok, I guess you do too.
fral945 Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 I love watching porn. I'll watch it once or twice a day to relieve some stress:eek: What kind do you watch, D-Lish?
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