How do you think you should feel after a first date?

[LoveLace]

I was reading Cap's post, and what was said about chemistry being a 6-7? And that anything above is a red flag...in other words there is such thing as too much chemistry? Not sure I'm getting that right.

[Bells]

I think it's better ,when you initially meet someone, alot of people do this..they REQUIRE that the butterflies be there...which is relaly wrong.

 

They should be sa ying ,"he seems like a nice guy, I'd like to get to know him better and go out with him".

 

Typically, these people focus less on looks and superficialities, like ht. requiremetns and such.

[Capricciosa]

Thanks for your input, C. ...

Are those the books that reference the theory you mentioned above? I'm really interested in those too.

 

You're welcome, SG. Yes, the Eden Project deals with our unconscious communication with others within a relationship, How to be an Adult, well it truly is a master work of healthy relationships and how to approach them and who to have them with.

 

Good luck with the new guy. Personally, all that butterflying, stomach backflipping, heightened awareness/chemistry etc is now a big alarm bell for me. I sure miss the high of it all, but I can't indulge in it anymore. And it does seriously keep me from being myself while I'm trying to maintain it, and seeing the guy for who he really is.

[Capricciosa]

I was reading Cap's post, and what was said about chemistry being a 6-7? And that anything above is a red flag...in other words there is such thing as too much chemistry? Not sure I'm getting that right.

 

Yes, you got it.

[LionLover]

You should never base your conclusion of someone after 1 date nor should you base it on initial butterflies. You generally know whether or not you’re physically attracted to someone from the getgo, but that’s the easiest part to recognize.

 

I won't make any decisions about the person based on one date (unless of course he’s rude, has a jaded/negative outlook, disrespectful in any way, overly aggressive/touchy feely, etc., then there is no 2nd date).

 

I’ll go on a 2nd date if I am attracted physically AND if I see he possesses good traits/qualities, etc. If after the 2nd date, if I see no further potential or that we would not compatible, then I don’t waste his time or mine by going out again.

[Vertex]

Butterflies, for me, are simply nervousness as a result of not being 100% certain of what the feelings of the other person are.

 

I also get them when I haven't seen someone I love/like for a while. With my ex, it was a long-distance relationship for a while, and every time we'd meet my heart would be pounding a thousand times a second. Great feeling, but that's all it is, I think. I find that trying to derive some sort of universal underlying meaning from it tends to be skewed by confirmation bias.

[Lishy]

I think you get the butterflies when you place the person above you and feel happy that someone so hot wants to date you.

 

I vote the butterflies are a bad thing and that you should go with the PERSON you are dealing with and if he holds all of the values you require in a man.

 

Those butterlies fade anyway!

[johan]

Usually after a first date, I feel very relaxed and ready to sleep.

[so gutted]

So_Gutted's thread and my own recent dates have made me think of this idea...

 

Assuming you're looking for a relationship that could develop into something serious, how into a person should you expect to be after a great first date? Can you even describe it with words?

 

In the past, I've always looked for that giddy feeling, the crazy butterflies...and if I didn't have those feelings after the first date I assumed it wouldn't go anywhere and didn't see him again. However, every first date where I left the date feeling giddy resulted in a temultuous relationship, however short, and I wound up pretty hurt.

 

So I changed my perspective so that even if a guy doesn't give me butterflies or make me giddy at first, if he has the qualities I'm looking for, I find him attractive, and enjoy his company, then I'm open to dating him to see how things develop.

 

But will those butterflies ever come under those circumstances? Are they there at first, or never at all? I can't live without those butterflies.

 

Wow someone quoting me!!

 

I end up going for the men that give me butterflies - probably why i end up in such a mess. Passion is important.

 

I have tried to go for guys that have the good qualities but sadly the good quality guys tend to be the ones i dont fancy. They tend to be internet dates that tick all the boxes and then you meet them and the buzz isnt there. I simply cannot go for these.

 

I find that once I have overcome the physical barrier (kissed etc) it removes discomfort from the relationship, because you are not waiting/getting nervous as to when he will make the move....its like stage 2.

[movingonandon]

So_Gutted's thread and my own recent dates have made me think of this idea...

 

Assuming you're looking for a relationship that could develop into something serious, how into a person should you expect to be after a great first date? Can you even describe it with words?

 

In the past, I've always looked for that giddy feeling, the crazy butterflies...and if I didn't have those feelings after the first date I assumed it wouldn't go anywhere and didn't see him again. However, every first date where I left the date feeling giddy resulted in a temultuous relationship, however short, and I wound up pretty hurt.

 

So I changed my perspective so that even if a guy doesn't give me butterflies or make me giddy at first, if he has the qualities I'm looking for, I find him attractive, and enjoy his company, then I'm open to dating him to see how things develop.

 

But will those butterflies ever come under those circumstances? Are they there at first, or never at all? I can't live without those butterflies.

 

 

the whole "butterflies" obsession might be the single thing i sincerely despise in women (who believe in this crap). great relationships take time and work - given basic comparability, they do not descend upon you in the form of butterflies and giddy feelings. So, I'm happy for you that you have realized that!

[D-D]

I had a date this weekend with a girl that I had known for about 9 months (not known well....just someone I knew at work). I have had a crush on her since the day I met her. I have to admit I was nervous and despite it just being a first date, I had an expectation of what the date would be like (i think I presumed that we'd hit it off). Date was just OK in my mind. Conversation was not bad. The girl was very different in a one-on-one setting than at work (at least I thought so). I am still incredibly attracted to her physically (she is amazingly beautiful), but I'm not sure that the personalities were a match (or maybe we were both shy/nervous first time out).

 

By the end of the date I was so confused. I had really strong feelings for her before the date, but I didn't really feel any major connection during the date. I couldn't read her as to whether she was having a good time and if she was in to me. I had a good time, but I wouldn't say that sparks flew. I'd certainly go out with her again and give it another go if she was willing.

 

Now I wonder if I had built up too many expectations for what the date would be like or if there is no chemistry between us and I should move on? Maybe I am so intent on entering a relationship that I am looking for chemistry when there isn't any?