How do you think you should feel after a first date?

[Star Gazer]

So_Gutted's thread and my own recent dates have made me think of this idea...

 

Assuming you're looking for a relationship that could develop into something serious, how into a person should you expect to be after a great first date? Can you even describe it with words?

 

In the past, I've always looked for that giddy feeling, the crazy butterflies...and if I didn't have those feelings after the first date I assumed it wouldn't go anywhere and didn't see him again. However, every first date where I left the date feeling giddy resulted in a temultuous relationship, however short, and I wound up pretty hurt.

 

So I changed my perspective so that even if a guy doesn't give me butterflies or make me giddy at first, if he has the qualities I'm looking for, I find him attractive, and enjoy his company, then I'm open to dating him to see how things develop.

 

But will those butterflies ever come under those circumstances? Are they there at first, or never at all? I can't live without those butterflies.

[likestolaugh]

from a male point of view, I've had these things develop over time....

[Trialbyfire]

Star, you know how I date, in that it's usually someone who I've known for years. With this in mind, the only person I ever had serious giddy butterflies with, was the man I married and subsequently divorced.

 

This doesn't mean first dates didn't include some chemistry!

[Star Gazer]

Star, you know how I date, in that it's usually someone who I've known for years. With this in mind, the only person I ever had serious giddy butterflies with, was the man I married and subsequently divorced.

 

 

This doesn't mean first dates didn't include some chemistry!

 

There's definitely been some chemistry, just not the crazy level, ya know?

[fral945]

Assuming you don't know them well or never met them, I typically don't expect much. If there is no physical spark, I know it can't go anywhere, I've tried that. So I have to at least say in my head when I see her "She's pretty good looking". But other than that, as long as I'm comfortable and we make conversation pretty well to I go along with it.

 

I typically don't trust people to show their true colors until you've known them for a while, anyway. I assume they probably aren't being completely honest or straightforward and putting their best foot forward, so I probably won't see the real person until we've known each other a little longer. So I see no reason to get my hopes up artificially.

[rod_in_gtown]

But will those butterflies ever come under those circumstances? Are they there at first, or never at all? I can't live without those butterflies.

 

I stopped getting butterflies after I turned 25. Every woman I've been with has been exciting and fun and I've enjoyed every single one (although there's one I fully regret ever meeting), I have not had butterflies (that I can remember) with any of them. I do get excited about seeing them again and thinking about how we first kissed gives me a whole body rush, but as far as what I remember as being butterflies being, not anymore.

 

Maybe I'm mislabeling what butterflies are?

[flc]

Most of the first dates I do are very casual, coffee or a drink and if it doesn't go well both parties can bail out. So first feeling is when I see the person and they are either as attractive or more attractive than I expected that brings relief Second feeling depends on how the conversation goes, last first date I was on lasted 4 hours and at the end I felt extremely comfortable with the person. So I guess relief and comfort at this point. I generally don't get into giddy until some physical interaction occurs, hand holding, kissing etc.

[Star Gazer]

I had a date last night with a guy I know from college. Great time. Really great time. On a scale of 1 to 100 on the butterflies/giddiness meter, I was at a solid 79. This morning I'm at a 60. But he's QUALITY.

 

With the text dumper, I was at a 100 the entire time. With the ex who moved away, I was at a 95.

 

See my problem?

[norajane]

When I look back at the men in my life, the best relationships have developed when there weren't necessarily butterflies at a 100, to use your scale.

 

It's been where a guy just naturally becomes a bigger and bigger part of my life until he's all over it and in it. So the giddy factor was pretty low, although the compatibility factor turned out to be pretty high, as we gradually got to know each other.

 

With a lower giddy factor, it's also MUCH MUCH easier to be yourself and let things unfold without forcing them, stressing out about them, or drama.

 

It doesn't mean you don't have chemistry - there's always some there, it's just not front and center and clouding everything.

[Star Gazer]

When I look back at the men in my life, the best relationships have developed when there weren't necessarily butterflies at a 100, to use your scale.

 

It's been where a guy just naturally becomes a bigger and bigger part of my life until he's all over it and in it. So the giddy factor was pretty low, although the compatibility factor turned out to be pretty high, as we gradually got to know each other.

 

With a lower giddy factor, it's also MUCH MUCH easier to be yourself and let things unfold without forcing them, stressing out about them, or drama.

 

It doesn't mean you don't have chemistry - there's always some there, it's just not front and center and clouding everything.

 

I'm finding this to be absolutely true.

 

With the text dumper, I never felt like I could be myself completely...didn't feel confortable really talking to him. It was a very odd dynamic. He's very engaging, but I couldn't reciprocate. I was too nervous around him or something.

 

With the guy from last night, I felt completely comfortable. I guess sometimes I assume that level of comfort is a bad thing...like it's platonic or something.

[CaliGuy]

SG, I have almost never gotten butterflies on a first date. Those come AFTER I fall in love with that person. It'd be really hard for someone I've never met and have no feelings for to give me butterflies.

 

I go with no expectations, try and have fun and let fate work itself out.

[sfsassy]

With my ex who turned out to be a jerk, I was super excited even before the first date. Couldn't sleep. And on the date I got major major butterflies. There was no denying we had INCREDIBLE chemistry. So close to 100 percent. How coould anyone live up to that? (Though in the end the amount he didn't live up to it was pretty staggering, lol.)

Though not officially dates, I have been out to dinner a few times with the guy I like, I don't eat with him. It has become a running joke between us. (Him "why even order food?") Butterflies definitely as I don't think not eating makes a good impression on anyone, and definitely not him. However, I also from the begining could talk about real stuff with him. I connect on a level that extends way beyond just the sexual stuff. I also feel I basically know the type of person he is, and that he isn't putting an act on like my ex did. So with him more like 80 percent, which seems more right for a first date to me.

[Kamille]

I'm finding it interesting that most guys who replied say that butterflies grow over time for them.

 

Anyways, I've been wondering the same thing - and I am in touch with a guy who has the great quality of making me laugh but where the butterflies are somewhat lacking.

 

In the past, I've never been able to let love grow without the butterflies. But I was younger then and I think my perspective has changed.

 

Now I'm more focused on finding someone who loves me for who I am and am hoping the return the favor. I think I have a clearer idea of who I am and I no longer need someone else for validation. I use to seek passion, now I seek comfort, easy, happy.

[Star Gazer]

I no longer need someone else for validation. I use to seek passion, now I seek comfort, easy, happy.

 

Woah there.

 

With the 100 percent butterflies guys, I find myself trying to win their approval, attention, affection...to be validated BY THEM. It never comes. Ever.

 

With the lesser butterfly guys, I am able to be completely myself and I feel already validated. I already feel good. It feels easy. Comfortable. Happy.

 

Explain that to me. I think I'm on to something here.

[stefspets]

My ex I had butterflies with. We were together for over 3 years, and it was mostly unhappy for me but I stayed anyway. Not a very nice break up.

 

Current relationship, no butterflies, but I thought he was attractive, smart, funny (and various other qualities that I liked). I went out with him four of five times before I was sure I felt something for him (still wasn't butterflies, but chemistry, I guess). I kept going out with him, even though I wasn't sure about how I felt, because we were able to talk easily with each other, laugh, and generally have a good time. There was compatibility there and I didn't want to brush that off right away due to lack of "butterflies."

 

In the first case I think butterflies blinded me to lack of compatibility. In the second case there were never butterflies but attraction grew and we get along very well. The relationship is 1000x better than the first.

 

I associate those butterflies with the nervousness/drama of not knowing how the other person feels. In my case that translated to a bad communicator and emotional manipulator in the first relationship. The second, he communicates openly and is pretty easy to read, which makes the relationship so much easier (and better).

[Star Gazer]

My ex I had butterflies with. We were together for over 3 years, and it was mostly unhappy for me but I stayed anyway. Not a very nice break up.

 

Current relationship, no butterflies, but I thought he was attractive, smart, funny (and various other qualities that I liked). I went out with him four of five times before I was sure I felt something for him (still wasn't butterflies, but chemistry, I guess). I kept going out with him, even though I wasn't sure about how I felt, because we were able to talk easily with each other, laugh, and generally have a good time. There was compatibility there and I didn't want to brush that off right away due to lack of "butterflies."

 

In the first case I think butterflies blinded me to lack of compatibility. In the second case there were never butterflies but attraction grew and we get along very well. The relationship is 1000x better than the first.

 

I associate those butterflies with the nervousness/drama of not knowing how the other person feels. In my case that translated to a bad communicator and emotional manipulator in the first relationship. The second, he communicates openly and is pretty easy to read, which makes the relationship so much easier (and better).

 

I can relate to most of what you've said here and hope it turns out for me the same way it did for you.

[Kamille]

I'm not sure I can explain it further because I think you and I are at about the same stage when it comes to thinking through relationships. What I do know is that my criterias are changing. I used to focus more on what I wanted in a man while now what I'm looking for is what I want in a relationship.

 

I think I used to crave a status boyfriend and now I just want a good guy - because I'm ready to be a good, mature gf myself. I also have changed my own perceptions of myself a lot. Honestly, I like myself more now then I ever did before. I used to fear I was unlovable, whereas now I know I have a lot to offer in a relationship.

[stefspets]

SG, I hope it works out well for you, too.

 

Even though I never had those butterflies with this current relationship, what did develop is much deeper and more satisfying. I feel loved, and safe. Also comfortable...but more like, comfortable to be myself, and comfortable because we fit, in contrast to the first relationship where comfortable meant we stayed together because it was familiar but it really didn't work.

[melodymatters]

I'm not sure I can explain it further because I think you and I are at about the same stage when it comes to thinking through relationships. What I do know is that my criterias are changing. I used to focus more on what I wanted in a man while now what I'm looking for is what I want in a relationship.

 

I think I used to crave a status boyfriend and now I just want a good guy - because I'm ready to be a good, mature gf myself. I also have changed my own perceptions of myself a lot. Honestly, I like myself more now then I ever did before. I used to fear I was unlovable, whereas now I know I have a lot to offer in a relationship.

 

 

Word Kamille ! What you stated has been an exact map of my feelings regarding men and relationships ! Definitely gets easier as WE get smarter !

 

Good luck Star, I'll be interested to see if " mid level butterflies" develop

into deeper feelings !

[Trialbyfire]

Word Kamille ! What you stated has been an exact map of my feelings regarding men and relationships ! Definitely gets easier as WE get smarter !

 

Good luck Star, I'll be interested to see if " mid level butterflies" develop

into deeper feelings !

What? You have issues with logical love?

[melodymatters]

What? You have issues with logical love?

 

 

Pshaw, who me ?!? lol

 

No problems at all. Like I implied in my post above, I used to ........shop for the guy, instead of shopping for the relationship, if you know what I mean, and this way feels MUCH more logical.

 

Like yours, my ex was charismatic, charming, and powerful. He also made me COMPLETLEY miserable. So now it's way more about " how do you make ME feel ?" than " How cool are you ?"

[Trialbyfire]

Pshaw, who me ?!? lol

 

No problems at all. Like I implied in my post above, I used to ........shop for the guy, instead of shopping for the relationship, if you know what I mean, and this way feels MUCH more logical.

 

Like yours, my ex was charismatic, charming, and powerful. He also made me COMPLETLEY miserable. So now it's way more about " how do you make ME feel ?" than " How cool are you ?"

 

"How cool are you?" turns into "What made you such a jerk in the first place?"!

[Kamille]

like yours, my ex was charismatic, charming, and powerful. He also made me completley miserable. So now it's way more about " how do you make me feel ?" than " how cool are you ?"

 

exaaactly.

[Star Gazer]

I used to focus more on what I wanted in a man while now what I'm looking for is what I want in a relationship.

 

I used to ........shop for the guy, instead of shopping for the relationship, if you know what I mean....

 

So now it's way more about " how do you make ME feel ?" than " How cool are you ?"

 

OMG. I'm starting to have an epiphany...the clouds are parting, the light is shining through...

 

Ahh-ahh-ahhhhhhh.....

[Balthazar]

I'm finding it interesting that most guys who replied say that butterflies grow over time for them.

 

 

 

I agree with you.

With me, there has always been a strong initial attraction and things build from there.

 

If the strong attraction is not there, I don't hang around so no relationship can develop.

 

I would have expected guys to be like this. I guess variety is the spice of life.