a promise ring now?

[AriaIncognito]

Everything is okay in our relationship right now, therefore I need to just roll with the punches and chill out.

 

Have you ever noticed, that pretty much every thread you create on LS, ends with you saying something like this?

 

If everything was "ok" in your relationship, I don't think you'd be posting questions here. I know I don't usually post just out of "curiousity". There's usually underlying reason.

 

Yes, you do need to learn how to chill out because if you don't, you're going to drive yourself, let alone any potential mate, insane. However, I'd caution you to pay attention to what EVERYONE is saying, not just the 1 person who is coddling you.

 

You're a therapist. You should more than likely see that you're pushing most of the replies away, because they don't jive with what you want. If you're pushing them away, it's more than likely because you know deep down inside that they are right, but you aren't ready to accept that just yet.

 

It's food for thought.

[GrnEyedGemini]

Hmm, he's just trying to throw it back on you most likely. Maybe you should ask him if he is scared to get married? And what about that scares him? And I mean just in a generic sense, no pressure or combative talk or anything just get some answers into why he isn't ready. Maybe there is something you two can work out so you will be ready. It's like Kamille said, maybe you are so intent on getting married, he feels like he is missing out on your relationship NOW.

 

 

Oh we've had that talk. He is scared because it is a big step and a life changing decision. His parents got divorced and he doesn't want to make the same mistakes. Which I understand. It IS a big decision. And he said he didn't understand why I wasn't feeling the same way. I told him I was. I told him I have the same thoughts..ya know the "Do I really want to live with this(whatever IT is at the time) for the rest of my life?" "Is this really the person I should spend the rest of my life with?" "Will I really be happy with this person for the rest of my life?" "Will this annoying trait really get to me ten years down the road?" "Will we still be compatable as we grow?" "Will we grow together instead of grow apart?" "Will we still love each other the same as we do now?" "Am I really meant to be with him?" I mean...I don't take this decision lightly. If you've read any of my other posts, then you know I've seen the bad side of marriage. I grew up with all that **** surrounding me constantly. My parents are currently getting divorced (my Mom for the 3rd time). I know very well the consequences of taking this decision lightly. And we hardly ever talk about marriage as a problem anymore. We are enjoying our relationship. I am enjoying the course of our relationship. And, we are both working on things within ourselves so we can better make that commitment to each other. I just don't want to be 1 year or 2 more down the road and he decide I'm not the one. Thats the only thing I have an issue with. The fact that he IS so indecisive about something that not only affects his life, but mine too. I understand it is his life to make the decision...but...in a relationship...its not just one life...its two. I feel like he's dragging his feet sometimes just to avoid actually making a decision. He has been known to do this! Lol.

[Lauriebell82]

Have you ever noticed, that pretty much every thread you create on LS, ends with you saying something like this?

 

If everything was "ok" in your relationship, I don't think you'd be posting questions here. I know I don't usually post just out of "curiousity". There's usually underlying reason.

 

Yes, you do need to learn how to chill out because if you don't, you're going to drive yourself, let alone any potential mate, insane. However, I'd caution you to pay attention to what EVERYONE is saying, not just the 1 person who is coddling you.

 

You're a therapist. You should more than likely see that you're pushing most of the replies away, because they don't jive with what you want. If you're pushing them away, it's more than likely because you know deep down inside that they are right, but you aren't ready to accept that just yet.

 

It's food for thought.

 

No, actually I respond when I find something helpful in the post that I can reply to. If it's insults and such then there isn't really much I can reply to accept to defend myself and that doesn't really help me very much.

 

I'm reading everyone's responses and thinking about them.

[Star Gazer]

Have you ever noticed, that pretty much every thread you create on LS, ends with you saying something like this?

 

If everything was "ok" in your relationship, I don't think you'd be posting questions here. I know I don't usually post just out of "curiousity". There's usually underlying reason.

 

Yes, you do need to learn how to chill out because if you don't, you're going to drive yourself, let alone any potential mate, insane. However, I'd caution you to pay attention to what EVERYONE is saying, not just the 1 person who is coddling you.

 

You're a therapist. You should more than likely see that you're pushing most of the replies away, because they don't jive with what you want. If you're pushing them away, it's more than likely because you know deep down inside that they are right, but you aren't ready to accept that just yet.

 

It's food for thought.

 

GREAT post, Aria.

[Lauriebell82]

Oh we've had that talk. He is scared because it is a big step and a life changing decision. His parents got divorced and he doesn't want to make the same mistakes. Which I understand. It IS a big decision. And he said he didn't understand why I wasn't feeling the same way. I told him I was. I told him I have the same thoughts..ya know the "Do I really want to live with this(whatever IT is at the time) for the rest of my life?" "Is this really the person I should spend the rest of my life with?" "Will I really be happy with this person for the rest of my life?" "Will this annoying trait really get to me ten years down the road?" "Will we still be compatable as we grow?" "Will we grow together instead of grow apart?" "Will we still love each other the same as we do now?" "Am I really meant to be with him?" I mean...I don't take this decision lightly. If you've read any of my other posts, then you know I've seen the bad side of marriage. I grew up with all that **** surrounding me constantly. My parents are currently getting divorced (my Mom for the 3rd time). I know very well the consequences of taking this decision lightly. And we hardly ever talk about marriage as a problem anymore. We are enjoying our relationship. I am enjoying the course of our relationship. And, we are both working on things within ourselves so we can better make that commitment to each other. I just don't want to be 1 year or 2 more down the road and he decide I'm not the one. Thats the only thing I have an issue with. The fact that he IS so indecisive about something that not only affects his life, but mine too. I understand it is his life to make the decision...but...in a relationship...its not just one life...its two. I feel like he's dragging his feet sometimes just to avoid actually making a decision. He has been known to do this! Lol.

 

I know it's difficult to deal with, but maybe this man isnt the "one" for you. He clearly has some issues with marriage, most likely which wont get resolved. It doesn't sound to me like he is too big on committment, and if that is something you want then maybe you really should take a step back from the relationship and persue other options.

[GrnEyedGemini]

I know it's difficult to deal with, but maybe this man isnt the "one" for you. He clearly has some issues with marriage, most likely which wont get resolved. It doesn't sound to me like he is too big on committment, and if that is something you want then maybe you really should take a step back from the relationship and persue other options.

 

 

As far as I'm concerned...he is the one for me. And I have come to think about that with everything we have been through. We came thisclose to breaking up last summer. Literally. He had his crap packed and nearly put down the deposit on an apartment....but he didn't. And we worked our problems out. We have learned how to communicate SO incredibly better with advice from a couples counselor. And because of that, we have grown so much closer. We can read each other so well it is scary sometimes. He can pinpoint when something is wrong, when something is bothering me. And vice versa. He is the most understanding person I have ever met...well...in most areas, lol...he doesn't understand every aspect because I am a woman, lol. We have both learned to pick our battles because somethings really just don't matter in the long run, no matter how pissed off I/he am/is at the time. We have both learned that we will never change each other, instead we have to grow together. We have learned to support each other in whatever endeaver we choose to undertake. We have learned that the mentality of "us against the world" is a great mentality to take in the face of resistance from outside influences. We have learned that although what we want is important, it is also important to put the relationship above our individual wants and needs. I'm not saying that I have a problem with him not being ready to marry me, because I understand his basis for that reason. My problem is that I feel like he is putting off the decision...how long is he going to put off the actual deciding part.

 

You know...learning to communicate is really what set fire to our relationship. The early days of course were on fire...but mainly sexually and from the newness of the relationship. As the relationship ages, that initial fire dims greatly. But having great communication will take your relationship further than anything else.

 

For your prob...I suggest learning to communicate waaay better. Really. Because him saying he is not ready with no reason behind it is not going to be satifactory for you in a year from now, especially if you are antsy to get married now...take it from me. You deserve for him to tell you why he is not ready. From there, you can better make your decision as to whether you need to take that step back and live on your own after the lease expires.

[Star Gazer]

I know it's difficult to deal with, but maybe this man isnt the "one" for you. He clearly has some issues with marriage, most likely which wont get resolved. It doesn't sound to me like he is too big on committment, and if that is something you want then maybe you really should take a step back from the relationship and persue other options.

 

Pretend someone else here just wrote that to you. How would you respond?

[Lauriebell82]

As far as I'm concerned...he is the one for me. And I have come to think about that with everything we have been through. We came thisclose to breaking up last summer. Literally. He had his crap packed and nearly put down the deposit on an apartment....but he didn't. And we worked our problems out. We have learned how to communicate SO incredibly better with advice from a couples counselor. And because of that, we have grown so much closer. We can read each other so well it is scary sometimes. He can pinpoint when something is wrong, when something is bothering me. And vice versa. He is the most understanding person I have ever met...well...in most areas, lol...he doesn't understand every aspect because I am a woman, lol. We have both learned to pick our battles because somethings really just don't matter in the long run, no matter how pissed off I/he am/is at the time. We have both learned that we will never change each other, instead we have to grow together. We have learned to support each other in whatever endeaver we choose to undertake. We have learned that the mentality of "us against the world" is a great mentality to take in the face of resistance from outside influences. We have learned that although what we want is important, it is also important to put the relationship above our individual wants and needs. I'm not saying that I have a problem with him not being ready to marry me, because I understand his basis for that reason. My problem is that I feel like he is putting off the decision...how long is he going to put off the actual deciding part.

 

You know...learning to communicate is really what set fire to our relationship. The early days of course were on fire...but mainly sexually and from the newness of the relationship. As the relationship ages, that initial fire dims greatly. But having great communication will take your relationship further than anything else.

 

For your prob...I suggest learning to communicate waaay better. Really. Because him saying he is not ready with no reason behind it is not going to be satifactory for you in a year from now, especially if you are antsy to get married now...take it from me. You deserve for him to tell you why he is not ready. From there, you can better make your decision as to whether you need to take that step back and live on your own after the lease expires.

 

That's good you guys learned to communicate. Well most likely he feels the same way about it that your boyfriend does..scared.

[GrnEyedGemini]

That's good you guys learned to communicate. Well most likely he feels the same way about it that your boyfriend does..scared.

 

 

Well, you can't assume. You gotta ask. And when he says "because I'm scared"...ask what he is scared of. And when he tells you what he's scared of, ask why. Because you know those questions will float around in your head. And if they are floating around in your head, its going to be an issue within yourself. Don't be scared to talk to him. You've got to be able to talk to him about anything if you plan to spend the rest of your life with him. If you don't, then you are going to have this kind of inner turmoil throughout your entire marriage, trying to figure out what is going on inside his head.

[OpenBook]

If I wanted marriage for myself I would have married my loser ex-bf. I agree with everything you just said actually. My bf and I are actually a desired union already because we have combined our living space. So the combined committment for the rest of our lives is something that I want for the both of us together.

 

You should never have moved in with him. Now he has zero motivation to move the R forward with you. He's getting the milk for free. And apparently playing headgames with you (given that he went through the same scenario with you last Xmas... and no ring).

 

I hope (for your sake) that I am totally wrong. I hope all that shopping was just a ruse for him to find out your ring size for the real thing - the bona fide "Will you marry me?" big fat diamond engagement ring, that you'll discover under the Christmas tree!!

[serialgf]

Lauriebelle:

 

Why don't you and Gemini just have a private conversation since you don't really seem to be taking anyone else's advice? I'm sorry but I also don't understand what the point is of starting a thread when you're only going to respond to posts that support your opinions?! I and other people have taken the time to give you what we think is helpful advice and have earnestly not been rude, asked you questions, etc. and you haven't even acknowledge them (us). I'm sure as you say there have been tons of responses but i don't think its a coincidence that you only respond to some and have responded to every single comment Gemini has given you.

 

I guess for myself, I'm going to stop responding to your threads for now because its a totally fruitless effort.

 

I've been where you are now as have others but i guess our experiences/advice mean nothing to you because we have a different opinion of things. As others have said, what's the point in posting on a love advice website if you are going to completely ignore most of the advice?

 

Good luck, your boyfriend doesn't seem like he wants to marry you - at least not right now, and that's not said to hurt you, it's said from reading all you've wrote. I would take the time to quote every one of your postings that support this conclusion if i thought you would actually listen.

 

Peace.

[GrnEyedGemini]

I dont have PM yet.

[OpenBook]

Well, you can't assume. You gotta ask. And when he says "because I'm scared"...ask what he is scared of. And when he tells you what he's scared of, ask why. Because you know those questions will float around in your head. And if they are floating around in your head, its going to be an issue within yourself. Don't be scared to talk to him. You've got to be able to talk to him about anything if you plan to spend the rest of your life with him. If you don't, then you are going to have this kind of inner turmoil throughout your entire marriage, trying to figure out what is going on inside his head.

 

And I completely disagree with this advice. (No offense at all Gemini - I totally respect your position... I just beg to differ.) The LAST thing a man wants to do is TALK about it - especially when he's already feeling pressure from you. And he is not responsible for your insecurities. You are. You're putting a head trip on him. That may be why he's messing around about the ring thing. Again.

 

The best thing you could do is to show him your own independence. If you are feeling insecure about this R, start moving away from it.

[GrnEyedGemini]

And I completely disagree with this advice. (No offense at all Gemini - I totally respect your position... I just beg to differ.) The LAST thing a man wants to do is TALK about it - especially when he's already feeling pressure from you. And he is not responsible for your insecurities. You are. You're putting a head trip on him. That may be why he's messing around about the ring thing. Again.

 

The best thing you could do is to show him your own independence. If you are feeling insecure about this R, start moving away from it.

 

 

No prob! Your right to differ!

 

That's just what helped me and my bf through our difficult time...talking about everything that bothered us down to the who, what, where, and why. Our counselor actually started us off with it. It wasn't one sided though...he had things on his mind too that he opened up and questioned me about. But not every technique works for everyone!

[AriaIncognito]

No, actually I respond when I find something helpful in the post that I can reply to. If it's insults and such then there isn't really much I can reply to accept to defend myself and that doesn't really help me very much.

 

I'm reading everyone's responses and thinking about them.

 

I've posted quite a few times on your thread, and from what I can tell, have not insulted and have gone out of my way to make sure your feelings weren't hurt.

 

Nobody that posts their opinion is asking you to defend yourself. All we are doing, is trying to get you to see what's so glaringly obvious in print. All you are doing, is trying to avoid what's so glaringly obvious. And this isn't meant as an insult, again.

 

You gave Grn the same advice many of us have been giving you. So, why is it an insult coming from us, but not from you?

 

I truly believe that you want your relationship to work and you are willing to put forth the effort. Honestly. However, none of that matters unless BOTH parties have that attitude. Based on what you've written, the attitude is one sided. I've been in this same situation. I was willing to do ANYTHING to "make" it work. He wasn't. And therefore, it eventually fell by the wayside.

 

Don't trick yourself into believing that your love alone is enough to save it all. While it's a great idea in theory, in practice it sucks. I've tried time and time again to save a relationship with my love. Treating him like a king and just hoping he'd one day do the same (generic he as there are a few that count in that list). Just please, please consider what some of us are saying, and not just dismiss it because it doesn't go along with how you want things to play out.

[Touche]

I've said this a million times on here. One of the biggest lessons I've learned in life is that love isn't enough to make a relationship work.

[jerbear]

Love does not pay the bills. Even a promise to pay does not mean there is ability to pay.

[Star Gazer]

I've posted quite a few times on your thread, and from what I can tell, have not insulted and have gone out of my way to make sure your feelings weren't hurt.

 

Nobody that posts their opinion is asking you to defend yourself. All we are doing, is trying to get you to see what's so glaringly obvious in print. All you are doing, is trying to avoid what's so glaringly obvious. And this isn't meant as an insult, again.

 

You gave Grn the same advice many of us have been giving you. So, why is it an insult coming from us, but not from you?

 

I truly believe that you want your relationship to work and you are willing to put forth the effort. Honestly. However, none of that matters unless BOTH parties have that attitude. Based on what you've written, the attitude is one sided. I've been in this same situation. I was willing to do ANYTHING to "make" it work. He wasn't. And therefore, it eventually fell by the wayside.

 

Don't trick yourself into believing that your love alone is enough to save it all. While it's a great idea in theory, in practice it sucks. I've tried time and time again to save a relationship with my love. Treating him like a king and just hoping he'd one day do the same (generic he as there are a few that count in that list). Just please, please consider what some of us are saying, and not just dismiss it because it doesn't go along with how you want things to play out.

 

Hallelujah, again.

 

I've said this a million times on here. One of the biggest lessons I've learned in life is that love isn't enough to make a relationship work.

 

True dat!

[Lauriebell82]

I'm considering what everyone is saying, I was talking to GED on here becuase she doesn't have PM yet.

 

I get what you all are saying here, I really do. None of you really know our relationship, you can just tell what I've written. So I have to try to take that as objectively as I can. I got a lot of advice/opinions and will think about what everyone has said. None of us (including myself) know what my BF is thinking inside his head. I can only go on what he has told me. We had a discussion prior to moving in together that we were doing it with the intent of one day getting married. So moved in with that understanding. He's not as ready as I am to get married, but I love him and want this to work. I have thought about it a lot, and he doesn't need to have a ring on his finger or my finger to show that he loves me.

 

Contrary to popular belief, I DID read what everyone has written on this thread. It is impossible to reply to 100 some posts, so this is kind of a broad overview of my reaction to everyone's posts. I heard a lot of "well he's living with you, so he just doesn't need to marry you know." I disagree completely, in fact I HATE when people say that. We both want to get married, it's just going to be on his timeline. And I love him and don't want to be with anyone else, so I will enjoy our relationship now.

 

Thanks for all the advice, it gave me a lot to think about.

[Star Gazer]

I get what you all are saying here, I really do. None of you really know our relationship, you can just tell what I've written.

 

You've written more here about your relationship over the past 2 years (?) than I have in my diary for the past 20. As far as I'm concerned, we have PLENTY of information to go on.

[LionLover]

One of my friends from work has been with her current boyfriend (now fiancé) for a few years. She has always sworn off marriage, even before she met him. I’ve asked her if its because she just doesn’t want that “commitment” or if she thinks it could possibly be that he is not the person she wants to make that life-long commitment to. They currently live together and trying to buy a house & she said that she’d be content with it staying that way. I know he wants to marry her & he has been so patient with her but she is so reluctant about marriage. They’ve been engaged for a while now & no date has been set & I try not to ask because it’s none of my business but I can’t help but feel bad for her fiancé because he has not been given a definitive answer yet they’re engaged. I have kinda always thought that even when a person has reservations about marriage, that their fears go away over time or sometimes quicker then expected, if it's someone they can see themself married too & I say that to her sometimes & she just gives me this pondering look so something tells me it has more to do with him then her not believing in marriage. She was recently in the hospital for a dog attack & she keeps saying she wonders if that happened for a reason (I guess her thinking it was another excuse to delay marriage/planning for a wedding).

[allina]

This is crazy, why is harping on LB's relationship the popular thing to do around here I feel like there is some sort of urge here to make LB feel worried and insecure in her R, when she shouldn't!

 

I think her bf wanted to do something sweet and special for LB and he thought a promise ring would be a great way to put a smile on her face. How does this turn in to him not wanting to marry her?! Her bf is slightly dense when it comes to understanding how women/LB feel about rings but that doesn't take away from the good intentions.

 

And maybe he wanted to have her try on rings so he has something to reference in the future when he buys her THE ring. Since an engagement ring is a huge purchase maybe he wanted to size her up and see what she liked?

 

I feel like if this same thing was posted by a different poster the replies would have been different.

[Ariadne]

Marriage is important to me and it's something that I want for myself. Therefore I don't want to be in a relationship that isnt leading to that.

 

It sounds more like you want to catch this guy and not let him run away.

 

Just get married.

 

And I don't even think you like this guy very much..

 

You had a thread not long ago saying how depressed you were. If you just move in with the love of your life you are in 7th heaven, not depressed.

 

Nothing would get you depressed.

 

Seems to me that you want to convince yourself and everyone else that you have the perfect relationship and that you are so happy.

[Star Gazer]

And I don't even think you like this guy very much..

 

Now that's just nonsense, A.

[Ariadne]

Now that's just nonsense, A.

 

No, she wants to convince herself that she does.

 

Have you ever been in a relationship where you kept saying to yourself, I love him so much!?

 

And you really didn't and didn't even care for the guy much or even liked him...

 

Same thing here.