a promise ring now?

[Walk]

See the bold part...didn't anybody notice?

 

My BSometer went right off. This is, sorry to be blunt, ridiculous.

 

How is trying on rings making you feel great? And how is pretending to buy something and not having the intention to pull through a nice gesture?

 

BS!

 

I think he would've bought her one if she'd said she liked one. But she made it sound like she told him not to. A guy wants to do something nice for his gf, he knows she wants a ring, he's not ready for engagement but does plan on it. He see's a ring that supposedly means that he see's a future with her, and he takes her to the store to find one she'll like.

 

I don't know too many people who would actually drag an SO to a store to taunt them with an item, have them try it on, and then won't purchase it for them. That'd be a special type of sociopath I think. I think LBs bf did go with the intention of purchasing one, and he was willing to go as high as $400.

[Nevermind]

Mh. You might be right. However, at Christmas the bf brought a catalogue with rings to check out LB's taste.

(Which didn't justify the "ring madness", but still..)

And, if he said that he was going to buy the earrings all along, then would he have bought both items? Or was it teasing?

[AriaIncognito]

Laurie, I think it would help if you were honest with yourself.

 

YES you want an engagement ring. The question is: why?

 

I think LB wants the ring because she's insecure in his feelings for her. She thinks that if he's willing to marry her, she'll be secure. Unfortunately, this won't solve the problem. Her securities will just change from 'will he marry me?' to "will he divorce me??".

 

LB, I know you're a therapist, and personally I can't really understand why you can't see through your own issue here, and get yourself help. You've acknowledged in previous threads that you do need to see someone. Not sure if you have yet or not, but I really really think you could benefit from getting to the root of this insecurity. It doesn't seem like it's because of this particular R, i think this R just magnifies it.

[Jilly Bean]

Gosh - you guys have more issues over gifts!

 

I also agree - a promise ring is retarded. I never understood it even when I was supposed to. A promise to give you a promise later? Inane.

 

Do you think he did this to figure out your ring size, and also to get a feel for what type of rings he likes on your hand? Maybe it's all a rouse before the main event!!!

[Star Gazer]

I think LB wants the ring because she's insecure in his feelings for her. She thinks that if he's willing to marry her, she'll be secure. Unfortunately, this won't solve the problem. Her securities will just change from 'will he marry me?' to "will he divorce me??".

 

LB, I know you're a therapist, and personally I can't really understand why you can't see through your own issue here, and get yourself help. You've acknowledged in previous threads that you do need to see someone. Not sure if you have yet or not, but I really really think you could benefit from getting to the root of this insecurity. It doesn't seem like it's because of this particular R, i think this R just magnifies it.

 

Spot on, Aria.

[AriaIncognito]

Spot on, Aria.

 

Unfortunately we can smell our own.

 

I've been of this mindset in the past. Maybe not regarding marriage, but in general I can relate to it, and can see it a mile away.

 

What's worse is, you know you're doing it when it's happening, you just try to suppress because you want so badly to be wrong. However unfortunately, you eventually have to come to terms with it and how you're feeling. Does it have to result in breakup, no, I suppose not. However, I'll be surprised if it doesn't in this case. It's hard to maintain a loving relationship amongst all the disfunction.

 

I mean no disrespect LB, and I think you know that. I just come to you talking from experience since I was in a very similar situation from ages 23-27.

[almost famous]

I still don't understand why LB won't let her BF get her what he wants to get her. Instead, it's like, "This is what I want. Get it for me or face a fight!"

 

Now: "He knows I want earrings."

 

Before: "He knows I wanted a ring."

 

Because it's the way he goes about it, f**king with her hinting to her about "rings" and such, having them try it on, etc. He sounds like an idiot, IMO.

You can get your SO a pretty ring without it having a title. It's no different than getting pretty earrings from your SO. Just don't f**K with someone by hinting at getting them a "promise" or "engagement" ring for weeks on end before hand.

[Lauriebell82]

Mh. You might be right. However, at Christmas the bf brought a catalogue with rings to check out LB's taste.

(Which didn't justify the "ring madness", but still..)

And, if he said that he was going to buy the earrings all along, then would he have bought both items? Or was it teasing?

 

I don't know, this is where my confusion sets in. I don't feel the need to justify why I want the ring so badly, actually it's not about the ring at all. It's about the committment. I want to get married because I love him and we will be happy together.

[Star Gazer]

I don't know, this is where my confusion sets in. I don't feel the need to justify why I want the ring so badly, actually it's not about the ring at all. It's about the committment. I want to get married because I love him and we will be happy together.

 

Will you be secure once you're married? Do you think once you're married you won't need any additional assurances of his commitment to you?

[Lauriebell82]

Because it's the way he goes about it, f**king with her hinting to her about "rings" and such, having them try it on, etc. He sounds like an idiot, IMO.

You can get your SO a pretty ring without it having a title. It's no different than getting pretty earrings from your SO. Just don't f**K with someone by hinting at getting them a "promise" or "engagement" ring for weeks on end before hand.

 

Yeah, thats where I am a bit peeved. When I asked him why he wanted me to try on rings if he never intended on buying me one is beyond me. He did acknowledge that it was hurtful to do that to me and he apologized, so we did work it out. I really did think he was going to buy me that ring, because he even wrote down the number of the ring when we were in the jewelry store. That's just plain confusing for any woman. I don't think any woman here would be real thrilled in that situation.

[Lauriebell82]

Will you be secure once you're married? Do you think once you're married you won't need any additional assurances of his commitment to you?

 

No, it's something I need to continually work on. And I'm really trying to do it. Open communication with my boyfriend-like today-helps build up some of that security.

[Touche]

Will you be secure once you're married? Do you think once you're married you won't need any additional assurances of his commitment to you?

 

Very valid point, LB. Please consider that. I mean what if once you're married he doesn't want kids when you do. Will you wonder if he's trying to keep himself "free" to leave whenever he wants to?

 

Again, I question the communication between you two when not so long ago you started a thread convinced that a proposal was forthcoming. Everyone was congratulating you even (including me.)

 

But as I said, I was doubtful. His actions/words from what you've posted don't speak to me of a man who is anywhere near ready for a commitment of that level.

 

Keep your eyes open. Are your expectations really realistic in this case?

 

Frankly, in some ways I think you're a bad match...I mean between your insecurity issues and is fear of a deeper commitment...YIKES! You both can push each other away in this regard.

 

And please understand, LB that I'm on your side. But whenever you come back and say we had a "great talk" I've gotten a little skeptical. Where are these great talks getting you?

 

I'm not seeing any resolution one way or the other. Why don't you both put your cards on the table? For REAL.

[Star Gazer]

No, it's something I need to continually work on. And I'm really trying to do it. Open communication with my boyfriend-like today-helps build up some of that security.

 

So again, you're looking from security from your BF. I think this is an internal problem you need to work on on your own. You can't constantly rely on him to build your security.

[Lauriebell82]

So again, you're looking from security from your BF. I think this is an internal problem you need to work on on your own. You can't constantly rely on him to build your security.

 

Yes, that's what I said. Talking about things helps me build security. Not him telling me things, us having open communication and coming to resolve issues that stem from insecurity. Communication helps to build security.

[Touche]

Communication in and of itself doesn't build security.

 

Think, quality rather than quantity.

[Kamille]

I don't know, this is where my confusion sets in. I don't feel the need to justify why I want the ring so badly, actually it's not about the ring at all. It's about the committment. I want to get married because I love him and we will be happy together.

 

Future tense.

 

See this is what I don't get. I would only want to get married if my relationship made me happy in the present.

 

Honestly, you don't sound content in thie R. You will do what you usually do and backtrack on what you wrote and say you're happy, but for some reasons, you're always needing more then what he is giving you.

 

Either take him and what he is offering as he is or ask yourself why you aren't satisfied (and no, a ring won't make things better and grant you the security you're craving. It might have worked for Cinderella, but this is the real world.)

[serialgf]

Future tense.

 

See this is what I don't get. I would only want to get married if my relationship made me happy in the present.

 

Honestly, you don't sound content in thie R. You will do what you usually do and backtrack on what you wrote and say you're happy, but for some reasons, you're always needing more then what he is giving you.

 

Either take him and what he is offering as he is or ask yourself why you aren't satisfied (and no, a ring won't make things better and grant you the security you're craving. It might have worked for Cinderella, but this is the real world.)

 

Amen! I totally agree with this assessment and I also bet that Lauriebelle won't even acknowledge it as maybe its just me but it seems like she's selective about which posts she'll respond to...

[Star Gazer]

Future tense.

 

See this is what I don't get. I would only want to get married if my relationship made me happy in the present.

 

Honestly, you don't sound content in thie R. You will do what you usually do and backtrack on what you wrote and say you're happy, but for some reasons, you're always needing more then what he is giving you.

Either take him and what he is offering as he is or ask yourself why you aren't satisfied (and no, [neither communication nor] a ring won't make things better and grant you the security you're craving. It might have worked for Cinderella, but this is the real world.)

 

So true....

[GrnEyedGemini]

I think he would've bought her one if she'd said she liked one. But she made it sound like she told him not to. A guy wants to do something nice for his gf, he knows she wants a ring, he's not ready for engagement but does plan on it. He see's a ring that supposedly means that he see's a future with her, and he takes her to the store to find one she'll like.

 

I don't know too many people who would actually drag an SO to a store to taunt them with an item, have them try it on, and then won't purchase it for them. That'd be a special type of sociopath I think. I think LBs bf did go with the intention of purchasing one, and he was willing to go as high as $400.

 

 

 

Mine has! I think its just to appease you for the moment. But yes...it's total BS!

[GrnEyedGemini]

You know LB...I know what you are going through. Been with my bf for 3 and a half years. And he is still just my boyfriend. It seems so odd to call someone a boyfriend when he really is way more than justa boyfriend, huh? I completely understand what you are talking about when you say you want to get married so much. My bf did the same thing with having me try on rings and then not go through with the purchase. It is hurtful, I know! And its hurtful to want to marry (i.e. promise to spend the rest of your life loving and caring for the person you want to have children with) that person so much and for him to still not be sure or not be ready. It's confusing and heart wrenching at times. Especially when they are wishy-washy and indecisive, exactly like my bf. My bf is so indecisive it takes him three hours or more to buy a single pair of shoes!!! And holy crap if we are going clothes shopping! We'll be there all day because he can't decide which looks better! I understand also the fear of wasting so much time in a relationship that goes no where. I am there with ya! I have the same fears currently. At least you aren't closing in on 4 years without a commitment! And yes people...he is committed to me in other ways, as I suspect LB's bf is too. BUT...the commitment a marriage requires is way beyond that of a bf/gf commitment, even when living together. Yeah, its just a piece of paper, but it is also a symbol of the commitment you promise to each other for a life-time. Nothing anybody says is going to convince me, or LB I'm guessing, otherwise. Although it would be just as easy to leave when married, it kinda closes that door that they leave open "just in case". As far as insecurities, I think its kinda a given that there is going to be some degree of insecurity about a relationship in which you live together, have responibilities together, talk about a future, plan for a future, and talk about marriage for years without ever coming to that step. As I understand, you and your bf have been together coming up on 2 years. Thats actually when I started to think I could marry him and we started talking about it. I don't think having insecurities about that is a sign you two aren't compatiable. I think that is just a sign of a young relationship with two people in it that still have a lot to learn.

 

I don't think there is anything wrong with you, LB. Your relationship may have problems, but NO ONE has a perfect relationship. And every relationship has to grow from somewhere. Every relationship has to overcome issues and learn from them. I wouldn't take what people on here are saying to heart. Because as much as everyone wants to judge and give you their two cents, none of them know you or your boyfriend and none of them are in your relationship.

 

I just wanted you to know that there IS someone out here that sympathizes with you and knows what you are going through. I wish I had sound advice for ya, but I don't, as i am still going through the same thing.

 

BTW, I don't understand why some people on here have to go about questioning her relationship so rudely. Obviously she is a girl hurting. Why go ahead and pour salt on the wound? There are nicer ways to go about pointing out the flaws of a relationship that you think you see from a couple posts.

 

Anyways...i hope everything works out for ya LB!

[Kamille]

Perhaps I am pouring salt on wounds but while I do believe that Laurie and her boyfriend do show a lot of commitment to their relationship, I don't feel that they're quite ready for marriage just yet and don't understand fully why she wants it so much right now.

 

My personal opinion. I have also posted on her threads in the past that they do seem to both want to work things out.

 

From past threads, he sounds like he is just barely coming out of his 'bachelor' days. She seems so focused on wanting the commitment that she sometimes forgets to just be happy with him. I wonder why this is. She might be missing out on opportunities to let their love grow because she is so intent on being on the 'right' relationship schedule.

 

In her shoes I would apply the elastic theory: stop pressuring him for more and just focus on the moment. He loves her - it's clear he does. He also likely feels pressured and I feel that their relationship needs to 'grow' a bit before a ring makes sense for the both of them.

[Lauriebell82]

Thanks for your support GEG, it made me feel good. As for all the posts, they really don't make much of a difference, I won't let anyone take away my right or make me feel bad about wanting to get married. So it doesn't matter to me what anyone really says. I'm sorry you are going through this with your bf. I know what you mean about the indesciveness, he goes back and forth on things CONSTANTLY. I do have an internal deadline, as I refuse to waste my time in a relationship that isn't headed anywhere. I really don't want 2 years to turn into 4, and then 5. It concerns me that he will just leave me hanging but I did put a plan in place so I can prevent that from happening.

 

Much sympathy, I know how you feel.

[GrnEyedGemini]

Thanks for your support GEG, it made me feel good. As for all the posts, they really don't make much of a difference, I won't let anyone take away my right or make me feel bad about wanting to get married. So it doesn't matter to me what anyone really says. I'm sorry you are going through this with your bf. I know what you mean about the indesciveness, he goes back and forth on things CONSTANTLY. I do have an internal deadline, as I refuse to waste my time in a relationship that isn't headed anywhere. I really don't want 2 years to turn into 4, and then 5. It concerns me that he will just leave me hanging but I did put a plan in place so I can prevent that from happening.

 

Much sympathy, I know how you feel.

 

 

My problem with the internal deadline is that I can't seem to stick to it!!! LOL! At two years, when we started talking about it....I told him I wasn't going to wait 4 or 5 years for him to "decide" if I'm what he wants. But...here I am closing in on 4 years with him. Everytime I say I'm gonna give him 6 more months...the 6 months come and go and still no ring...still no commitment. I love him and I'm not ready to quit yet. That's all I can say. So all I can do is hope and wait. We are still young...we are still in our twenties. SO even if these guys string us along for years before "deciding" we aren't the one, we'll still be young enough to move on and not feel the pressure of the biological clock...I'm assuming you want to have children eventually? Me too.

[Lauriebell82]

Perhaps I am pouring salt on wounds but while I do believe that Laurie and her boyfriend do show a lot of commitment to their relationship, I don't feel that they're quite ready for marriage just yet and don't understand fully why she wants it so much right now.

 

My personal opinion. I have also posted on her threads in the past that they do seem to both want to work things out.

 

From past threads, he sounds like he is just barely coming out of his 'bachelor' days. She seems so focused on wanting the commitment that she sometimes forgets to just be happy with him. I wonder why this is. She might be missing out on opportunities to let their love grow because she is so intent on being on the 'right' relationship schedule.

 

In her shoes I would apply the elastic theory: stop pressuring him for more and just focus on the moment. He loves her - it's clear he does. He also likely feels pressured and I feel that their relationship needs to 'grow' a bit before a ring makes sense for the both of them.

 

You have made a lot of valid points. I have said this before, an indecisive boyfriend scares the heck out of me because I'm afraid I will just be waiting around for nothing. Marriage is important to me and it's something that I want for myself. Therefore I don't want to be in a relationship that isnt leading to that. I wasted a lot of time with my loser ex-bf and I won't make that mistake again.

 

You are probably right about me not living in the hear and now though. Most of the time I do, but then I feel pressure to get married or engaged from friends who are the doing the same or get the mental image of the whole "why buy the cow b.s." I do need to relax about the marriage thing, I'm starting to drive myself nuts here.

[GrnEyedGemini]

Perhaps I am pouring salt on wounds but while I do believe that Laurie and her boyfriend do show a lot of commitment to their relationship, I don't feel that they're quite ready for marriage just yet and don't understand fully why she wants it so much right now.

 

My personal opinion. I have also posted on her threads in the past that they do seem to both want to work things out.

 

From past threads, he sounds like he is just barely coming out of his 'bachelor' days. She seems so focused on wanting the commitment that she sometimes forgets to just be happy with him. I wonder why this is. She might be missing out on opportunities to let their love grow because she is so intent on being on the 'right' relationship schedule.

 

In her shoes I would apply the elastic theory: stop pressuring him for more and just focus on the moment. He loves her - it's clear he does. He also likely feels pressured and I feel that their relationship needs to 'grow' a bit before a ring makes sense for the both of them.

 

 

Well I was talking about some of the posters who were clearly just trying to say something rude about marriage and relationships...perhaps because in general they are completely against marriage. IMO...their opinions don't even matter because no matter what, they will always be against someone getting married, not caring who they are. In that case, all they are doing is pouring salt on the wound instead of trying to help.