Lauriebell82 Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 Just when I thought men couldn't get any more confusing... 2 year anniversary is next week. We were discussing gifts and he knows that I want earings. My BF got this little postcard thing in the mail from a jewelry store saying that there is a sale on rings (promise rings) this weekend for labor day. So he asked me how I would feel about getting a ring. We did all this last Christmas with the stupid rings so I just basically played it cool and said "well, whatever you want to get me babe." Then he provoked further by saying "well wouldn't you WANT a ring?" And I said "well yeah, but you have said that you only wanted to buy ONE ring so I respect whatever you feel is right to get me." So to my further shock, we then go to the mall, and he goes as far as to have me TRY ON promise rings in front of him! And kept prodding me to keep trying other ones on! There was one that was like $400 and he liked it and said it was all sparkly. I however, thought it looked too much like an engagement ring and told him that. I did try on a ring I really liked. He asked me what the difference between a promise ring and an engagement ring is, and I told him that an engagement ring is when you propose marriage and a promise ring is given to your gf with the promise that you will one day give her an engagement ring. So I'm perfectly fine with the promise ring, actually it would show me he IS actually serious. However, he did all this last year, had me look at rings in a catelog and then ended up buying me something else. I guess I'm asking for advice, or input on the situation. How did he all of the sudden do a complete 180?
jerbear Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 Probably has less money but why not save the $400 for an engagement ring? It could be that he wants it to be on his time versus some other time, like cold feet? Another thing, could be he is having second thoughts after some consultation with his buddies and something changed. A far fetched thing, he wants more sex.
Nevermind Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 Last Christmas is past. I wouldn't be too surprised if your boyfriend said what he said because he felt a lot of pressure from you and didn't want to buy any kind of ring out of anything but his own, free decision. Other than that: simply ask him: "You said you'd only want to buy me an engagement ring and none other. Why did you change your mind?" It's the easiest, least pain and drama involving method.
Walk Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 Tell him to stop being a big cheap-o. Then tease him mercilessly for days about how he wants to date teenagers. Oh.. oh! I've got it... Take him to a game store and show him a PS2 all shiny in its new box. Wander around the store poining out all the great games he could play with it. Imply that you'll get him one for your anniversary. Then the following day, take him to the dollar store and have him try out one of those little electronic toys they have for kids. Then with a huge bright smile, all excited.. tell him you'll buy him whatever one he wants. When he gets upset, equate that to promise ring vs engagement ring. He'll get the point. p.s. Don't really do that. I'm just being sarcastic.
lovelorcet Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 I think he is thinking about the promise ring to keep you quite... Haven't you guys been together for a while? I think he should know by now if he wants to be with you or not.
Touche Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 Well you've already gotten some good comments and I agree with a lot already said. Personally, I think a promise ring is a little insulting given that you live together. It does seem kind of "high school" to me as another poster mentioned. I would continue to play it cool and not worry about analyzing all of this too much. He's going to do what he's going to do, so why worry. He already knows what you want. And the promise ring won't make a bit of difference as far as whether he's ready to commit or not, IMO. Just try to relax, LB.
Art_Critic Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 a promise ring now? Isn't that what the lease of the apartment is ? I think a promise ring in your situation where you have already both committed to the relationship and moving forward a bit noncommittal... IMO He needs to man up and ask you to marry him if he loves you and wants to marry you... Of course to each his own and if you really feel a promise ring is something that you want then why not ?
Author Lauriebell82 Posted August 29, 2008 Author Posted August 29, 2008 A promise ring...are you in highschool? LOL, NO. He is 26 and I am 25. Hence why I'm confused and think this is some weird crazy idea. Thanks for everyone's responses. Everything everyone has said has gone through my mind. I don't have any clue why he would want to buy me a $400 ring that isn't an engagement ring. He said he liked it was "shiny." I told him that an engagement ring is "shiny" and if you are going to fork over that much money it should be put towards an engagement ring. I guess my concern is that he knows I don't want some birthstone ring, I want an engagement ring. I haven't pressured him at all, if anything HE'S the one who has been bringing up rings lately. I like NM's idea about just flat out asking him why he changed his mind about the ring. In the back of my mind I think that he wants to buy me this expensive ring to replace what he knows I want and he thinks that buying me this ring will satisfy me and I won't pressure him to get engaged (which I haven't at all).
lexi29 Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 He could be trying to get an idea of what style of ring you like (so he can look for an engagement ring that you will like) and using this as a smokescreen to do so. If your boyfriend isn't that creative, then he probably just wants to get you something he thinks you will like for your 2 yr anniversary. My ex got me a promise ring (we were 19 at the time) and then about a year later on our two year anniversary he proposed to me. So a promise ring is a step on the way to a proposal. However I think it is sort of insulting as well because you already live together so a promise ring is rather juvenile. However, i don't think your boyfriend meant it be insulting as he wasn't sure what the difference between a promise ring and an engagement ring was so maybe he really is shopping around for an engagement ring and thought a promise ring was the same thing. If this isn't the case and he knows you want an engagement ring (in the future) and he knows you would like to receive earrings for your anniversary, buying you a promise ring instead really isn't taking your wants, feelings and needs into consideration. Instead its almost making a mockery of what you want (an engagement ring). I don't think your boyfriend would do this on purpose he just may not understand how important getting engaged (in the future) is.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted August 29, 2008 Author Posted August 29, 2008 Isn't that what the lease of the apartment is ? I think a promise ring in your situation where you have already both committed to the relationship and moving forward a bit noncommittal... IMO He needs to man up and ask you to marry him if he loves you and wants to marry you... Of course to each his own and if you really feel a promise ring is something that you want then why not ? Yeah, well the ring is beautiful, it's a birthstone ring so it doesn't really HAVE to be a promise ring or anything. Im just confused because he was so intent on "only buying one ring." I agree this beating around the bush crap is annoying. I'm willing to wait, but it's frustrating because I feel like he's just toying with me now. I'm thinking he just has cold feet about the engagement, therefore thinks that buying me some birthstone/promise ring will satisfy me.
Walk Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 Could he be bulking at the cost of the engagement ring? Engagment rings are a big investment. Some of those rings cost more then my car. Uhm.. that promise ring your bf picked out cost nearly as much as my engagement ring.
Walk Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 Yeah, well the ring is beautiful, it's a birthstone ring so it doesn't really HAVE to be a promise ring or anything. Im just confused because he was so intent on "only buying one ring." I agree this beating around the bush crap is annoying. I'm willing to wait, but it's frustrating because I feel like he's just toying with me now. I'm thinking he just has cold feet about the engagement, therefore thinks that buying me some birthstone/promise ring will satisfy me. Just curious, but do you think this is really about how he feels about you, or how he feels about the institution of marriage? Does this have to mean he's toying with you? Or could it be an internal problem he's having that has nothing to do with how much he loves you?
Lizzie60 Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 Wow.. Laurie.. no wonder your bf is confused... I AM too.. with all those rings.. and 'procedures'... geeez.. this is soooooo 'teenie'. No wonder I am against marriage.. this is sooo freaken complicated.. I have to comment on your 'playing cool' .. I don't think that you're playing it cool... I think you are way too 'high maintenance' and he has to constantly walk on egg shells around you.. this is the 'feeling' I get from all your posts.. I have said before and I will repeat it: your relationship will NOT last more than 5 years (and I'm being generous). I am not saying this to be mean.. I am just trying to 'wake you up'.. Why spend money on bling-bling.. this is NOT important.. it only put unecessary financial strain...
Alma Mobley Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 Not to be rude, but "Is this high school?" is the first thing I thought too. Promise rings are for teenagers, not adults. If you live together and marriage is something you have talked about for the future, he should buy you only one ring, when he is ready. Other jewelry is fine though.
Kamille Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 Laurie what I would suggest here is patience. How about you put all thoughts and analysis off until after your anniversary. That way you will be more receptive to whatever gift it is he decides to give you. We can analyze his options all we want on here, we have no idea what his intentions are and why. How about you wait until he actually does make a move to have us analyze your lovelife? (Especially since, as you might have noticed, we're far from being a bunch of romantics.)
serialgf Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 I obviously don't know you or your situation as well as you do but in my honest opinion it sounds like he may not want to marry you. I say this from both reading many of your threads and using my life experience. My ex and I were together for six years and lived together for 4. I really wanted to marry him and he knew it. In the end, I realized that he didn't actually want to marry me even though we played the part in many ways. It took me all of those years to come to that realization because things were pointing towards marriage in my opinion - we lived together, spent a lot of our time together, had insurance together, etc. Anyway, I don't mean to say that your relationship with your boyfriend is like mine with my ex's at all, I guess I'm just saying that sometimes we don't want to see the forest for all the trees as they say and it takes us a while to come to a realization such as this. I'm also not saying that your boyfriend hasn't been leading you on - I am familiar with last years saga and I think it's really bordering on arsehole-ish behavior that your BF is taking you to look at PROMISE RINGS knowing that what you want is an ENGAGEMENT RING. Seriously, that's insulting IMO! I think he's playing with you, whether he realizes it or not. Unless this is a big charade and he is secretly getting you and engagement ring (which frankly I wouldn't hold my breath for), then I personally would be a bit offended and would just not participate further in his game. I'm not saying be mad at him or give him the silent treatment or anything like that, I'm saying just don't engage with him (no pun intended) in the whole promise-ring-whats-your-present-gonna-be-gee-maybe-i-will-maybe-i-won't game. I don't know if this makes sense, but I hope it offers a different and helpful perspective. Good luck!
Author Lauriebell82 Posted August 29, 2008 Author Posted August 29, 2008 Could he be bulking at the cost of the engagement ring? Engagment rings are a big investment. Some of those rings cost more then my car. Uhm.. that promise ring your bf picked out cost nearly as much as my engagement ring. Well, I know my bf is cheap, HOWEVER when it comes to jewelry he isn't. It's very odd. I was shocked when he said he would spend 400 bucks on some birthstone ring. Doesn't make much sense. In response to Alma, yeah this is very high school. And the reason I find this strange is because up until yesterday we DID have the understanding that he would buy "only one ring" when ready. So that's why I am thinking he has cold feet and is trying to divert me with some expensive birthstone ring. Or he's just dense about rings. (could very well be the ladder). He actually asked me yesterday if the woman wears both the engagement ring and the wedding ring on the same finger! I appreciate your response Lizzie, I do know where you are coming from. I honestly DON'T talk about rings. I have not even mentioned them ONCE in the past like year. He recently has been dropping questions regarding rings, and yes i do play it cool. I did tell him he could buy me whatever he wanted. Yes I want to get engaged and married. But I think about it internally not externally. Yes, he is aware I want those things, however I do not pressure him or even mention anything about it. I'm not going to put a timelimit on my relationship. I don't think anyone can know how long a relationship can last. So I think it's best not to put a time limit on it..even entering a marriage.
Ariadne Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 How did he all of the sudden do a complete 180? Because your bf is pretty sure that you are not the one at this point, and he is dragging his heels. He might become attached to you living together as long as the situation is not hell, but I don't think this relationship will pass the 2 to 3 year mark. I know you are desperate to get married and everything, but I don't think he is the one for you either.
Lishy Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 I would tell him that you do not want a promise ring (whatever that is) and that the earrings are what you really want. From how he is acting I would say he is putting himself under pressure and it is turning him against the engagement idea (maybe he cant afford it yet?) It seems like he is trying to find a cheaper alternative to appease you, maybe without you realising, he is feeling under pressure? Could that be possible?
Touche Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 You know what worries me about all of this and past threads like this? Your communication is lacking, IMO. I mean between your b/f and you. Nevermind, had it right. Because that's exactly what I would have said. I wonder why you just can't speak up like that? I mean I would have said..."What the? What are you up to with this whole high school promise ring thing?" But that's just the way my H and I have always communicated. We put it right out there. I usually don't have to wonder what's on his mind and vice-versa. If ever we are in a position of wondering, we just flat out ask each other what's up.
AriaIncognito Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 I hate to be negative as well, but I've seen this too. I lived with my now ex-bf for over 3 years. I thought we'd eventually get married and such and thought he'd eventually ask, but he never did. He'd become attached to our close friendship and didn't want to lose it, and well, same with me. Long story short, I moved out and we broke up. He met another woman 1 month after we split, and he asked her to marry him within 6 months. When you know, you know. I don't think there's a lot of thought involved. I'd say all of this isn't a good sign for you going down the road you want with this man.
Star Gazer Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 "What the? What are you up to with this whole high school promise ring thing?" I agree. A promise ring isn't anything more than a promise...to promise. That's just silly, and would flatly ask what he meant by that.
Lishy Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 I think that when you say to him "I dont mind, get me what you want" when he is blatantly asking you what you want you are giving him mixed messages. My advice remains the same, tell him you dont want a promise ring and tell him the earrings will be great - Dont put any pressure on him for an engagement ring and when he wants to, he will get it. I know it is hard when there is something you really want, in your case an E ring, but you have to let him decide when the time is right really.
Ariadne Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 Your communication is lacking, IMO. I mean between your b/f and you... But that's just the way my H and I have always communicated. We put it right out there. Also, this forum. I doubt the bf comes to this forum and reads her threads. If I had a bf he'd know every little thing I post online. No secrets. (Even Denver guy has read my threads here.)
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