konfuzd Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 My best friend has the worst taste in men! She's had a rough childhood, and never had a positive male role model in her life. I feel sympathy for her, but at the same time, I want to smack her for the choices she makes. Her current (and first serious) boyfriend is a LOSER! He's a 35 year old alcoholic/drug addict with absolutely zero social skills. He recently gave up custody of his child because he can't give up his partying lifestyle. I could go on about his bad traits, but I think you understand... I tried to be supportive of her at the beginning, hinting around the fact that he may not have long term potential, but the other night I just snapped and told her what a scum bag he is and how she needs to break up with him. She agreed with me on everything negative I had to say about this guy. She aknowledged that it is a dead end relationship, but made so many excuses as to why she can't break up with him now. Stupid excuses like: -I've never done this before, I don't know how to bring it all up. I'll just wait until something happens that starts a discussion -I'm afraid to be alone, I'll wait until I have someone else lined up -I just bought him a bunch of presents, I don't want to send mixed messages -His life will take a downward spiral without me. He always tells me he is a mess when I'm not around... I told her why all these reason's were flawed, but she still hasn't gone through with it... I know some of you will say it's not my business, but it pains me to see her making such a bad choice, and I want my happy-go-lucky best friend back. All she does since she's been with him is whine and complain. I was considering telling her that since I know it's a really hard thing for her to do, but she knows it needs to be done that once she goes through with it, I'll treat her to a day at the spa or something like that. Do you think this will be effective, or is it manipulative?
BklynGuy Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 I think there are two sides to this story. One is her flawed relationship in the making...and two is your wanting a friend back. I'm a guy, obviously, and have had male friends do the same to me....IMO..a male wanting to come btwn another male and female is weak! But if you have a good point, she may need her own time to see it. I've had ppl tell me the person I'm dating is a loser, but had to see it in MY OWN TIME TO UNDERSTAND. Maybe she needs that, or maybe she'll listen, time will tell.
Author konfuzd Posted August 29, 2008 Author Posted August 29, 2008 She does know this guy is a loser. Even before I told her how I felt, she was constantly complaining about something or other he had done, or wasn't doing, calling him an idiot etc... She knows she needs out, but is not taking the initiative to actually go through with it. I'm just wondering what I can do to make her stop procrastinating and just get it done.
BklynGuy Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 How long have they been dating? Again, sometimes it takes time to see things for what they are.
Ronni_W Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 I'll treat her to a day at the spa or something like that. Do you think this will be effective, or is it manipulative? Well, yeah -- it IS manipulative...but that's not to say it couldn't ALSO be effective . You could also go a different way -- suggest she start reading up on co-dependent relationships, assertive communication, 'Rescuer' sub-personality, setting healthy emotional boundaries, increasing self-esteem, self-worth and self-confidence, etc. Cos if she just dumps this loser and doesn't do anything about getting to bottom of what's driving her, she's just gonna hook-up with the next loser...and the next. -- helping her towards self-awareness and better coping skills will be more effective for her in the long-term, PLUS you won't have to bribe her to do what's in her own best interest in the future.
Author konfuzd Posted August 29, 2008 Author Posted August 29, 2008 How long have they been dating? Again, sometimes it takes time to see things for what they are. I think it's been about 5 months. She's been complaining about him before the first month mark. suggest she start reading up on co-dependent relationships, assertive communication, I actually tried this. Her response was that she hates reading. I urged her to at least try it, but she contested that she doesn't have time. I tried to tell her that spending less time with Dirtbag would free up time to read, but again she said that since she hates reading, she would feel it as an obligation, and probably not gain from it. I also suggested she go talk to a councillor to deal with some of her past issues, but of course, she has excuses for not doing that either. This is what's leading me to bribery. She doesn't seem to want to help herself, but if maybe there is a tangible reward, she might at least get a start.
Ronni_W Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 This is what's leading me to bribery. She doesn't seem to want to help herself, but if maybe there is a tangible reward, she might at least get a start. Books on tape? MP3 downloads from various self-help sites? Though it sounds like she'll likely have her "reasons" for why those won't work for her, either . Difficulty with you starting to manipulate/bribe her into doing what is best for herself, is that you're then setting-up yourself as her 'rescuer', and getting all mixed-up in a co-dependent relationship of your own. Other practical option is to just set your own boundaries on how much and how often you want to hear about her probs with the guy. And if she doesn't stick to those then to simply distance yourself...for your own emotional well-being. But hopefully it doesn't come to that, though.
Recommended Posts