Abrupt change in behavior, can't be explained. Need some input!

[lando]

I really need some outside opinion on this one.. Sorry for the length, but I guess its necessary.

 

My girlfriend and I have been dating for just under a month. She is in between years in university, which is in another province. Actually, this year she is studying abroad.

 

Her and I talked about how we were going to do things once she went back to school. We both came to more or less the same opinion on how to go about it. She doesn't like long distance relationships, and myself (having been in a failed one) agreed. Anyways, we settled that we'd put things on hold while she was away, and when she got back, we'd pick up where we left off. Haha, I don't know what you would really define that as. I don't quite define that as being 'single and not looking', but it's not 'still dating' either. I mean, we both agreed that we wouldn't be looking for or dating anyone else, just a simple pause on our relationship.

 

Anyways, this isn't whats confusing me, I can live with that.

 

Things have been great with her. I mean, absolutely great. We kept in touch every day or two, we got to see eachother once or twice a week (she was living with her parents between years in university to save cash, and they live about 1.5 hours from my city). In fact, the last time we were together was about a week before she was leaving was fantastic. Her and I really connect, it's hard to explain but im sure most of you can understand what I mean.

 

She had to leave that night, but we had planned to get together again the night before she left.

 

Talked to her over the phone a couple days later, all was fantastic still.

 

----HERE IS WHERE I GET CONFUSED!----

 

I tried calling her a couple days after that. I wanted to tie up a couple of the loose ends with our plans to get together. Tried her cell.. no answer.. Tried home.. her mom answers, says she out with her girlfriends... Fair enough! Ask her to tell her I called, and everything is peachy!

 

She doesn't call... Next day, I try calling her at work. (it's fine to call her at work, in fact she encouraged it.. mainly cuz of the type of work she had). Anyways, a co-worker answers, a girl i've met a few times, and tells me she's out doing a tour.. Fair enough! I ask her to tell her I called, everything is peachy!

 

She doesn't call.. Next day I get no answer from her cell or home. By this point im not only mad that i've put so much effort into trying to get a hold of her, but that i'm having no success!

 

THE DAY SHE IS SUPPOSED TO COME IN TO SEE ME (The night before she leaves for school) she texts me apologizing saying that an event at work has been keeping her really busy, that she is staying out at her parents place that night, and she'll have to call me later.

 

Obviously, I am not pleased by this, and i text back to her saying that im upset to find this out now, when i've been trying to get a hold of her for 3 days... She replies saying there's nothing she can do, she's been having a hard time fitting everything in, and that she wasn't ignoring me. I ask her to call me later, cuz im in no shape to keep talking (er.. texting, you know what I mean!)

 

oh and guess what... SHE DOESN'T CALL!

 

So that night, I try one LAST ditch effort to get to the bottom of all of this, so I call her house.. her step dad answers and tells me she's gone.

 

i'm puzzled by this, but I leave it be and go to bed..

 

---travel day--- I notice on facebook that shes updated her status, saying that she's arrived.. still drunk and tired etc..

 

WHAT THE HELL!?!?

 

am I to guess/assume that she ended up going on a bender with her friends on her last night in the country?

 

At this point -right now- im really in the dark, and I really REALLY hate it. It just doesn't make sense to me.

 

 

Now here's the thing. Alot of things can be explained, but are still uncertain. Things like the fact that her cellphone gets pretty much no reception out where her parents live, so she may not have even recieved the calls.. Also, when she was supposedly staying at home that night, why would her step dad say she's gone? Well, her step brother has a place here in the city that she may have stayed at...

 

Either way, there are things that can't be explained away, like the fact that she knew I was trying to get in touch with her, and never called back, and DEFINETELY the not calling when she said she would.

 

This doesn't add up simply because of the way things were going! Im serious!! I can think of absolutely no spark or reason for this behavior, ESPECIALLY after the last night we spent together.. The intimacy, the things we talked about, all the way down to the way she looked into my eyes. Not to mention that we both said we'd miss eachother.

 

HELP! Tell me if im being stupid, or if it's justifiable that i'm a little angry and a lot confused. i'm a self-diagnosed over-thinker so all of this is eating away at me!

[JoeNewbie]

You've been dating for barely a month - and things a rather fragile at this stage. The fact that you've been calling and calling (not that I blame you) has probably pushed her away even further.

 

I was in a similar situation a few years ago. The girl did a 180 on me and never looked back. It's a **** situation to be in but it happens.

[norajane]

Consider yourselves broken up, like you don't have a girlfriend, either on hold or whatever.

 

She's abroad for the next year. You really think that a one month relationship is going to keep her tied to you so much that she'll be back in a year? You'll be lucky if she remembers your name in a year.

 

Don't bother looking at her myspace, or looking for explanations. A month long summer fling is just that, a fling.

[lando]

Consider yourselves broken up, like you don't have a girlfriend, either on hold or whatever.

 

She's abroad for the next year. You really think that a one month relationship is going to keep her tied to you so much that she'll be back in a year? You'll be lucky if she remembers your name in a year.

 

Don't bother looking at her myspace, or looking for explanations. A month long summer fling is just that, a fling.

 

Hey Nora.

 

Hehe its funny, there is always more back story even on long threads like mine.

 

To answer some of your statements, her and I met years ago and it almost went somewhere then, but it didn't because of my decisions. Years went by and she was the one who found me again.

 

Also, her and I were going on dates for longer than the month that I said.. I stated we had been dating for a month because that's when I can safely say that we had basically made it official.

 

As for the fling thing... possibly, but i'd have a hard time even looking at it from her perspective to call it that. ****ty timing? Definetely! But one thing is for certain, she won't forget about me.

[lando]

You've been dating for barely a month - and things a rather fragile at this stage. The fact that you've been calling and calling (not that I blame you) has probably pushed her away even further.

 

I was in a similar situation a few years ago. The girl did a 180 on me and never looked back. It's a **** situation to be in but it happens.

 

Thanks for the reply, Joe.

 

Yes I can see how continuing to call can be a bad thing, but that is also kind of under the presumption that there IS something wrong, or that she really was avoiding me. She DID tell me that she wasn't ignoring me, however all of the evidence would say that she was.

 

I still fail to even think of what could have triggered this.. I mean, it could be anything..

[norajane]

I still fail to even think of what could have triggered this.. I mean, it could be anything..

 

She left for a new adventure abroad, that's what happened.

 

Some people who do that sort of thing are wracked by homesickness and longing to hold on to everything at home.

 

Others can't wait to go and they embrace the change and the adventure and don't look back.

 

To me, it sounds like she was all caught up in her departure, thought you two had already settled everything, and just didn't make time for you in the very busy days leading up to her trip.

 

She'll be gone for a year and you're not likely to get a clear answer. Just let it go, let it ALL go, and if she comes around when she gets back and you're not in love with someone else, great. If not, chalk it up to bad timing.

 

Just don't obsess about this or her while she's gone.

[lando]

She left for a new adventure abroad, that's what happened.

 

Some people who do that sort of thing are wracked by homesickness and longing to hold on to everything at home.

 

Others can't wait to go and they embrace the change and the adventure and don't look back.

 

To me, it sounds like she was all caught up in her departure, thought you two had already settled everything, and just didn't make time for you in the very busy days leading up to her trip.

 

She'll be gone for a year and you're not likely to get a clear answer. Just let it go, let it ALL go, and if she comes around when she gets back and you're not in love with someone else, great. If not, chalk it up to bad timing.

 

Just don't obsess about this or her while she's gone.

 

 

You could be very right.. Everybody is different. I know i'm not the kind of person who can just uproot my life like that, but she has the potential.

 

She has travelled before, and the specific reason for her not liking long distance relationships is because she doesn't like to feel like she's leaving something behind. Hehe does that mean that her wanting to put our relationship on hold is kind of a big deal?

 

I mean, even still, she's said things like "i'll be back up for christmas" and "what do you want from mexico?" She also mentioned in the brief period we texted (the day before she left) that she was sad about leaving (im sure she's overall excited to be going, but sad about leaving her family, friends [and maybe even me?] behind.)

 

It's entirely possible that i'm simply making this out to be a bigger issue than it really is. Its like I said, I am an overthinker...

 

 

HOWEVER there is a dilemna with just 'letting it all go'... It would definetely make things easier, but could also destroy my integrity, not only to her, but more importantly to myself (in this situation)

 

I mean, what if a year went by, she came back, and I was in a different relationship, when the entire time she was still under the idea that we'd just pick up where we left off. Not only would I definetely hurt her feelings, but my own integrity would be scarred by that. I know, from her standpoint it really looks like a 'she wants to have her cake and eat it too' philosophy, which is kind of selfish, but I can't ignore my actions and statements.

 

My word means a lot to me. I always follow through with what I say im going to do, and as far as things go now, her and I are still just 'on hold'.

 

My dilemna lies on the fact that I won't move on until I know that things are otherwise, and right now, I can't paint a clear picture of where things are at.

[JoeNewbie]

Thanks for the reply, Joe.

 

Yes I can see how continuing to call can be a bad thing, but that is also kind of under the presumption that there IS something wrong, or that she really was avoiding me. She DID tell me that she wasn't ignoring me, however all of the evidence would say that she was.

 

I still fail to even think of what could have triggered this.. I mean, it could be anything..

 

She feels bad for feeling the way she does - trust me. Like I said though, things are really fragile in the first three months and anything can happen.

 

If I were you, I would be looking out for a new date. Not a cool thing I know. But you can't keep wondering about that girl forever. Assume she is gone.

[lando]

She feels bad for feeling the way she does - trust me. Like I said though, things are really fragile in the first three months and anything can happen.

 

If I were you, I would be looking out for a new date. Not a cool thing I know. But you can't keep wondering about that girl forever. Assume she is gone.

 

When you say that she feels bad for feeling the way she does, do you mean that she feels bad for having feelings for me, because they conflict with her going away for school and her dislike of LDR's?

 

edit: I really have no doubt that if she wasn't going away for school, then there would be no problem right now.

[norajane]

You could be very right.. Everybody is different. I know i'm not the kind of person who can just uproot my life like that, but she has the potential.

 

She has travelled before, and the specific reason for her not liking long distance relationships is because she doesn't like to feel like she's leaving something behind. Hehe does that mean that her wanting to put our relationship on hold is kind of a big deal?

 

I mean, even still, she's said things like "i'll be back up for christmas" and "what do you want from mexico?" She also mentioned in the brief period we texted (the day before she left) that she was sad about leaving (im sure she's overall excited to be going, but sad about leaving her family, friends [and maybe even me?] behind.)

 

It's entirely possible that i'm simply making this out to be a bigger issue than it really is. Its like I said, I am an overthinker...

 

 

HOWEVER there is a dilemna with just 'letting it all go'... It would definetely make things easier, but could also destroy my integrity, not only to her, but more importantly to myself (in this situation)

 

I mean, what if a year went by, she came back, and I was in a different relationship, when the entire time she was still under the idea that we'd just pick up where we left off. Not only would I definetely hurt her feelings, but my own integrity would be scarred by that. I know, from her standpoint it really looks like a 'she wants to have her cake and eat it too' philosophy, which is kind of selfish, but I can't ignore my actions and statements.

 

My word means a lot to me. I always follow through with what I say im going to do, and as far as things go now, her and I are still just 'on hold'.

 

My dilemna lies on the fact that I won't move on until I know that things are otherwise, and right now, I can't paint a clear picture of where things are at.

 

Oh no no no no no! THAT - all the stuff you wrote up there - THAT is obsessing. Stop it.

the specific reason for her not liking long distance relationships is because she doesn't like to feel like she's leaving something behind. Hehe does that mean that her wanting to put our relationship on hold is kind of a big deal?

 

It means that she does not allow herself to get too attached to anything, so that she doesn't have to feel like she's leaving something behind. And she doesn't want to feel tied down to anything.

She also mentioned in the brief period we texted (the day before she left) that she was sad about leaving (im sure she's overall excited to be going, but sad about leaving her family, friends [and maybe even me?] behind.)

 

She's told you she wants to put you on hold for a year, and then pick up where she left off when she gets back. And you're asking if maybe she might miss you... Do you see how invested you are in her, and how she is not that invested in you?

 

She likes you, but it's not a grand love affair for her. She can drop it, and not worry about it, while you cannot.

 

Everything else you wrote is because there's no such thing as putting a relationship on hold for a year, no matter how may try and define it. There are no answers to those what-if's because neither you nor she has any idea what will happen in your lives this year, and what you will do, and how that may change things.

 

Think back to a year ago - are you the same person now? do you see things exactly the same way? have things happened to you that were unexpected, unplanned for, and have changed how you view yourself, your life, anything? think about all the things you've learned this year, about yourself, about what you want, and how you want to live your life.

 

Can you honestly say that a year from now, you'll really be able to pick up where you left off? Of course not. You'd start in a new place, and you'd have to start fresh because you won't be the same people you are now. If it happens to work out then, great.

 

In the meantime, you have to take the perspective that you have no claims on her nor she on you. That's the only way you can come back together in a year without animosity, jealousy, and bad water under the bridge.

 

Avoid the drama! That's what she is trying to do, but you aren't seeing it!

[lando]

Nora, I can understand why you might say that that's being obsessive, but what I was really just trying to get across is that I won't go back on my word. That applies to everything I do. In this situation I just really don't want to needlessly hurt somebodies feelings because of a lack of clarity.

 

you are right, though.. Life changes all the time, and it can change in the blink of an eye. Even her and I progressing the way we did wasn't some pre-ordained thing. No, I can't predict where i'll be a year from now. I have an idea, but who knows what life will throw at me.

 

And she did say that she'd miss me too. I could totally believe that this isn't as big of a deal to her as it is to me, but part of that is simply because of my personality. I put effort and commitment into everything I do, from work to hobbies (and yes, relationships). I consider it to be a both a strength and a flaw, depending on the situation.

[norajane]

Nora, I can understand why you might say that that's being obsessive, but what I was really just trying to get across is that I won't go back on my word.

 

What word? What exactly did you promise?

[JoeNewbie]

When you say that she feels bad for feeling the way she does, do you mean that she feels bad for having feelings for me, because they conflict with her going away for school and her dislike of LDR's?

 

edit: I really have no doubt that if she wasn't going away for school, then there would be no problem right now.

 

No girl would "feel bad" for "loving you too much", lando. That only happens in (bad) movies. I think she feels bad for letting you down, knowing you really like her.

 

You seem like a good guy - please do not think about this too much. At such an early stage in dating, you don't owe her anything - and neither does she.

[lando]

What word? What exactly did you promise?

 

I didn't promise anything, but we both agreed to start up where we left off when she got back. Yeah there are a lot of variables because of life, but regardless of all of that, I can't say that i'd feel good about possibly being in another relationship when she got back. If i'm still single, then it's all good, but if I was with someone else, I couldn't help but feel terrible.

[JoeNewbie]

I didn't promise anything, but we both agreed to start up where we left off when she got back. Yeah there are a lot of variables because of life, but regardless of all of that, I can't say that i'd feel good about possibly being in another relationship when she got back. If i'm still single, then it's all good, but if I was with someone else, I couldn't help but feel terrible.

 

These are vain promises, lando. You are too romantic and idealistic for your own good.

 

You never know who you could end up meeting. Right now you think this girl is the bestest - but trust me, you will meet other girls you will think are the bestest. Trust life, trust yourself. You will meet a lot of different interesting women in your life. Let it go for now.

[lando]

oh very true, I could meet a girl a month from now who is amazing etc etc, but I think that this girl would still be in the back of my mind.

 

Funny story, when her and I met years ago, things were going well and were progressing, and the reason it stopped was because of another girl I knew who I thought would be better... I was so wrong! haha.

 

I definetely am too romantic and idealistic for my own good. I think I just gotta do what you two said.. just let it all go, live life and see how it goes.

[JoeNewbie]

I am telling you, every new girlfriend I have ends up being better than the previous one. In fact, every girl is unique. That's what makes life so wonderful.

[norajane]

I didn't promise anything, but we both agreed to start up where we left off when she got back. Yeah there are a lot of variables because of life, but regardless of all of that, I can't say that i'd feel good about possibly being in another relationship when she got back. If i'm still single, then it's all good, but if I was with someone else, I couldn't help but feel terrible.

 

Neither of you promised anything.

 

Saying that you'll pick up where you left off is not a promise. It's not an expectation. You are placing too much emphasis on those words - it's not an agreement, even if it sounded like one to you.

 

She means: when she gets back you'll both see where you are, and if it makes sense and you still like each other, you're open to trying dating again and seeing if it works out. And if it doesn't make sense, so be it.

 

It means you two broke up - ended your dating relationship altogether. It means you are both free to date other people, with all the uncertainties that go with it. It means she'll be dating other guys when she's abroad. It means she has no expectation that you might not fall in love with someone else while she's gone.

 

It means you broke up, but not in a "I hate you and never want to see you again" way. It means you broke up because it can't work now, but you like each other and are open to giving it another try if the timing and circumstances work out.

[D-Lish]

Actions always speak louder than words...always!

 

The fact that she ignored/avoided your calls and cancelled your last meeting before she left is testimony to the fact that she did not want to see you or talk to you for whatever reason. She said she'd call you back and never did- then she went out with her friends and she left.

 

Maybe she was distancing herself because she didn't want to deal with it, or maybe she just came to the conclusion that things couldn't possibly work out because of the distance- regardless, she blew you off before she left. That is blatently obvious.

 

No one can answer why she did it- only that she did.

Don't wait around for her- don't keep after her trying to get in touch.

I'm sorry this has happened- but I really hope you can begin to move on.

 

Whatever you do- don't continue to contact her.

The ball's in her court in that regard.

[lando]

Neither of you promised anything.

 

Saying that you'll pick up where you left off is not a promise. It's not an expectation. You are placing too much emphasis on those words - it's not an agreement, even if it sounded like one to you.

 

She means: when she gets back you'll both see where you are, and if it makes sense and you still like each other, you're open to trying dating again and seeing if it works out. And if it doesn't make sense, so be it.

 

It means you two broke up - ended your dating relationship altogether. It means you are both free to date other people, with all the uncertainties that go with it. It means she'll be dating other guys when she's abroad. It means she has no expectation that you might not fall in love with someone else while she's gone.

 

It means you broke up, but not in a "I hate you and never want to see you again" way. It means you broke up because it can't work now, but you like each other and are open to giving it another try if the timing and circumstances work out.

 

 

The only thing that doesn't make certain sense about this is, why would you get into something so soon before leaving, only go just cancel it like that, and not to mention that there was no statements along the lines of "its over when I leave". I think I know what you're gonna say, but still, give me a break! haha

 

As for seeing other people. On my behalf, I know that even if I did, which is a possibility, I'd still have the thought of her there. I can say with a fair amount of confidence that it would be the same story on her side. She straight up told me that isn't looking to meet/date anybody during school (in the sense of meet 'somebody else'), and also, she's very focused.. she's paying for her own education, and wants to do well etc etc.. even still, who knows what life will throw at you.

[lando]

Actions always speak louder than words...always!

 

The fact that she ignored/avoided your calls and cancelled your last meeting before she left is testimony to the fact that she did not want to see you or talk to you for whatever reason. She said she'd call you back and never did- then she went out with her friends and she left.

 

Maybe she was distancing herself because she didn't want to deal with it, or maybe she just came to the conclusion that things couldn't possibly work out because of the distance- regardless, she blew you off before she left. That is blatently obvious.

 

No one can answer why she did it- only that she did.

Don't wait around for her- don't keep after her trying to get in touch.

I'm sorry this has happened- but I really hope you can begin to move on.

 

Whatever you do- don't continue to contact her.

The ball's in her court in that regard.

 

I know i've done all that I should. In fact, I know that i've done more than I should. I know the ball is in her court and i'm leaving it at that.

 

I've already settled on all of this, i'm just really trying to make sense of everything that's happened. I'm the kind of guy who doesn't enjoy games, and i'm pretty straightforward, so I value being able to understand things and whatnot, and as im sure you can agree here, the actions seem straightforward but the situation does not.

 

Either way, what is done is done, can't change that.

[norajane]

The only thing that doesn't make certain sense about this is, why would you get into something so soon before leaving, only go just cancel it like that, and not to mention that there was no statements along the lines of "its over when I leave". I think I know what you're gonna say, but still, give me a break! haha

 

As for seeing other people. On my behalf, I know that even if I did, which is a possibility, I'd still have the thought of her there. I can say with a fair amount of confidence that it would be the same story on her side. She straight up told me that isn't looking to meet/date anybody during school (in the sense of meet 'somebody else'), and also, she's very focused.. she's paying for her own education, and wants to do well etc etc.. even still, who knows what life will throw at you.

 

Yes, you know what I'm going to say. I said it before. She dated you, but didn't get attached.

 

Intentions not to date have a way of changing when someone interesting comes into the picture.

[D-Lish]

I can give you a personal example of what happened to me recently.

 

I had a fleeting involvement with a guy I met, and really liked. After the second date he told me he got a new job in a nother province and was leaving in a month. I still liked him- that didn't change... but as soon as he informed me he was moving I began to detach myself emotionally.

 

I didn't go to his going away party or see him the last week before he left.

I just didn't want to put myself in the position to get entangled with him.

 

I chat with him via MSN sometimes now that he has moved- but as far as I am concerned- the situation warranted me emotionally distancing myself. Some people aren't able to be upfront and honest...I suspect she liked you, but knew you would be seperated for a long period of time and decided that instead of being honest, she'd beat around the bush a bit.

 

I think she mentioned the "break" as a means of actually breaking up- she just didn't have the guts to say it's over.

 

Who knows what will happen in a year- but you should live your life every day assuming it is done. You don't want to limit your prospects by waiting for her.

 

But yes- leave her be and let her come to you. Maybe once she gets settled she will be able to have an adult conversation with you about your situation.

 

Good luck.

[xpaperxcutx]

It's called reading between the lines. Some things just doesn't warrant an absolute answer. We're logical creatures, albeit still faulty at best, but we're not so simple as to not realize the facts placed before us. There is no such thing as picking up where you left off, especially a year from now. She's let go, you should too.