dilly Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 I'm in a bit of a quandary. I've been dating this girl for about a month and I am really into her. We have even said that we loved each other. The issue is that she has become very devout in her religion because of a few bad experiences dating so now wants to stay celibate until she gets married again. I'm guessing to separate the wheat from the chaff. Now, she is in her late twenties and already has a few kids and a couple of divorces so its not like she's a virgin. As a matter of fact she has told me that she is very experienced sexually and has had a number of partners. Her conversion took place pretty much right before I met her. Now she did tell me this on our second date so she has always been upfront with me. I'm always reminded of the joke: what is the difference between a slut and a bitch? a slut sleeps with everyone and a bitch sleeps with everyone but you... I truly don't believe that about her though. Now, it didn't bother me much at the time because I thought it would be okay and a refreshing break to build up a relationship not based purely on sex. Well was I wrong. I am going absolutely nuts here. Whenever we are together we make out like animals and the sexual energy is so palpable you could cut it with a knife. She knows that I want her and says that she wants me too but it will have to wait until marriage. We have actually even talked about marriage < whoa hold on...Its only been a month. My views on marriage... I've been divorced about a year and I do not want to get married again. Not to say I won't but I don't want to. I want to get to know each other for at least a year before marriage even comes into the picture. Now to wait at least a year with no sex..I just couldn't do it. I love this woman with all my heart but I'm ready to explode. She also said that until she gets a ring on her finger, engagement or wedding, that she would continue to date other people. I've been dating other women but they don't compare to her at all. I'm beginning to think that her tactic of not letting me sleep with her is working wonderfully. What do I do? Just grin and bear it, pop the question, get married have sex and find out that this woman isn't the that is really right for me and end up notching up another divorce on my belt? Or just move on and find someone thats not such a religious fanatic. I am not religious at all and that issue may come up to where she would want to convert me. Sex is obviously important to me. I won't buy a car without test driving it first. Hmmmm....
carhill Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 You're incompatible. Religion and spiritual beliefs, as well as sexual mores and practices, are essential to compatibility. I'd move on. You can "make out" with any woman with whom you have sexual chemistry, and there are plenty of them. Find one with more similar belief systems. Edited to add that, if she's playing a game and not truly "recycling" her virginity, then leaving her will call her bluff ...
Vertex Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 If it's important to her, you're going to simply either have to deal with it/accept it/wait it out if you are willing to. Trying to pressure her is not going to come across well. If you absolutely must have sex and she must absolutely wait, then the relationship will likely not work out. There are many aspects to compatibility in a given relationship, and religion/marriage views happen to be part of those. Even if everything else looks great, such things can still be dealbreakers. If you really like/love this woman, why does the thought of a potential marriage seem like a questionable thing? Simply too soon? Or is it a fear of the possibility of divorce? Regardless, I think it's admirable that she's at least been forthcoming with you. Just because she's not a virgin/doesn't wish to sleep with people at this point in her life doesn't mean anything negative about you. It's simply her lifestyle choice, and she's letting you know what's important to her. If you guys are dating others right now and are okay with that, is she okay with you having sex with others? Or are you upset over not being able to have sex with her specifically? Are you not able to figure out what kind of person she is physically when you're making out? At least in my experience, making out extensively with someone and getting a feel for their body language/how they use their hands/how rough or soft they act with you/etc can give a pretty good idea how the sex would be (at least, as a rough heuristic). What about things like handjobs/oral sex?
CaliGuy Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 If you can not respect her beliefs then let her be free to go and find a man who does. Cheers.
bigmanpayne Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 I'm in a bit of a quandary. What do I do? Just grin and bear it, pop the question, get married have sex and find out that this woman isn't the that is really right for me and end up notching up another divorce on my belt? Or just move on and find someone thats not such a religious fanatic. I am not religious at all and that issue may come up to where she would want to convert me. Sex is obviously important to me. I won't buy a car without test driving it first. Hmmmm.... if it is that important to you then you should probably break it off. tell her your real and true feelings - if she doesnt get with it, you have to get gone, there is no other thing to do.
norajane Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 I've been dating this girl for about a month and I am really into her. We have even said that we loved each other. Big huge red flag #1: You may have said you love each other, but love, real love, lasting love, take time to develop. You might like each other, enjoy each other, care for each other, lust for each other, be infatuated with each other, but you do NOT LOVE each other. And that you've SAID you do seem to indicate you are both a little delusional about what love actually is. The issue is that she has become very devout in her religion because of a few bad experiences dating so now wants to stay celibate until she gets married again. I'm guessing to separate the wheat from the chaff. Big huge red flag #2: If she is suddenly devout because she's had bad experiences in dating, I would question how sincerely devout she is. Most truly devout people are so because they have developed a strong faith, not because they've been burned by their own bad choices. You don't just pick up 'devoutness' like the latest self-help book at Amazon. Now, she is in her late twenties and already has a few kids and a couple of divorces Big huge red flag #3: Not even 30 and she has a few kids and a couple of divorces, and now she's already looking for hubby #3? And her strategy is to hold out on sex? Really? What do you think will happen to hubby #3? If she actually gets the hubby, what are the odds she will withhold sex in the marriage whenever she wants something from him? Whenever we are together we make out like animals and the sexual energy is so palpable you could cut it with a knife. She knows that I want her and says that she wants me too but it will have to wait until marriage. We have actually even talked about marriage < whoa hold on...Its only been a month. Big huge red flag #4: She's a tease, she knows exactly what she's doing, and yes, IT IS WORKING on YOU. You are already talking about marriage and even considering it and you didn't even KNOW her a month ago. I'm beginning to think that her tactic of not letting me sleep with her is working wonderfully. Yes, it most certainly is. You are thinking with your dick. What do I do? Run. Run as far and as fast as you can before you end up as her third ex-husband. You are too susceptible to her tricks.
disgracian Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 What do I do? Just grin and bear it, pop the question, get married have sex and find out that this woman isn't the that is really right for me and end up notching up another divorce on my belt? Getting married just to have sex is about the daftest course of action you could possibly take. Don't waste another moment giving it any more thought. You will also have to bring up the topic of religion very soon. It can become a nasty thorn in your side and hers if not discussed thoroughly. It is important above all else that you both love each other for exactly who you are, not what each party thinks they can change the other into. If there's any chance you think that she will try to convert you further down the track, then it's not worth it. From her perspective, the prospect of being eternally separated (with you being hideously tortured for your unbelief, of course) is going to create a very great burden. If those are her beliefs then my advice is to run, because even if she thinks it isn't or won't be a problem, it eventually will. There's only so long the human mind can withstand such dissonance. Just remember though, it's nobody's fault, just a fundamental incompatibility. So yes, your options are to either wait it out if you really do think she is the one, or not. My advice is to flip a coin. Seriously. My wife and I were told this trick by an old family friend of ours a while back when we were both agonising over some decision. She told us to flip a coin base our decision on that. My wife protested, saying "But what if it comes down on heads instead of tails?" and she just nodded. We both already knew what we really wanted to do, this just helped us realise. The prospect of taking the decision out of your hands and relying on fate (or luck) can very sharply bring into focus exactly what is more important to you. So, toss that coin and the chances are good that when it's halfway down you'll instinctively know which way up you want it to face. Cheers, D.
Angel1111 Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 First of all, if she's that religious, then she wouldn't be making out with you like that and getting you this wound up. That's just teasing. And this crap about dating other people until the two of you are engaged is truly twisted - sorry, that's just ridiculous. I can see dating other people until you have both decided to be in a committed relationship, but until you're engaged? That's just nuts. I admire the fact that she making an attempt at being virtuous but she has truly missed the mark. First of all, being virtuous doesn't mean being a tease and it doesn't mean you date a ton of other guys until one of them proposes. She needs to get a handle on her belief system and define it a little better. As for the two of you, I agree with the other poster who said that you are incompatible. Religion is always going to be an issue between you. And if it's not the sex thing, it's going to be something else down the road. I hope you're prepared to go to church every Sunday and do all the religious stuff that she'll expect of you. So be sure you're really nuts about her. The problem is, she doesn't seem to put much value in the 'I love you' even though she said that to you. She just sounds confused to me and I would just warn you to be careful.
Green Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 She's got kids, shes looking for more then a roll in the hay. If you feel that u just divorced and just want to have fun go date some girl that fits your needs. Its only been a month... she may crack in a few more months
lovelorcet Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 Norajane gave you an excellent analysis and advice, I suggest that you follow what she said... Run away from this one...
Lizzie60 Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 I didn,t read the thread, not even all of your post but I read enough to tell you that she,s full of cr*p.. This is an 'excuse' for NOT having sex.. her libido is probably nul... so she is using the religion and what-not to spare the sex.... I find this 'not having sex before marriage' very hypocrit.. they are IMO, mainly religious fanatics or frigid women... using that as an excuse.. Leave her.. move on... she'll break your heart..
Balthazar Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 The posters have all given you excellent advice(Nora Jane- great post). I had an experience a few month ago with a "religious" woman(look up the thread if you like). Stay away!
Treasa Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 Definitely move on. Find someone who is more compatible with what you want.
A.G.Doren Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 Well was I wrong. I am going absolutely nuts here. Whenever we are together we make out like animals and the sexual energy is so palpable you could cut it with a knife. She knows that I want her and says that she wants me too but it will have to wait until marriage. We have actually even talked about marriage < whoa hold on...Its only been a month. An earlier poster said she was a tease. This may or may not be the case. A lot people make this mistake under these circumstances. You shouldn't be doing anything whatsoever. If the making out is good your sexual chemistry is fine so you don't have to worry on that account. If you want to continue with her cease and desist on all of the most innocent of physicial contact. Also if you do not want to get married anytime soon you may just want to end the relationship. Chastity generally works best with fairly short courtships, six months to a year at most.
A.G.Doren Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 I didn,t read the thread, not even all of your post but I read enough to tell you that she,s full of cr*p.. This is an 'excuse' for NOT having sex.. her libido is probably nul... so she is using the religion and what-not to spare the sex.... I find this 'not having sex before marriage' very hypocrit.. they are IMO, mainly religious fanatics or frigid women... using that as an excuse.. Leave her.. move on... she'll break your heart.. Do you know anyone that is chaste? Have you ever asked tehm about it? Or do you just make assumptions?
bigmanpayne Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 I didn,t read the thread, not even all of your post but I read enough to tell you that she,s full of cr*p.. This is an 'excuse' for NOT having sex.. her libido is probably nul... so she is using the religion and what-not to spare the sex.... I find this 'not having sex before marriage' very hypocrit.. they are IMO, mainly religious fanatics or frigid women... using that as an excuse.. Leave her.. move on... she'll break your heart.. way to paint with that broad brush! geez. maybe she legitimately doesnt want to do it and thinks that is what is best for her right now. man you are being so harsh. he should probably move on but i wouldnt attack her - they just sound uncompatible; that doesnt make her a bad person. do you just have sex with every man that you date and that's why you are being so hard on this woman? no disrespect, i am just asking. i wait a while before doing anything with anyone i am dating... is my libido low? dont get angry with me for these comments, i am just talking and asking questions.
Lizzie60 Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 way to paint with that broad brush! geez. maybe she legitimately doesnt want to do it and thinks that is what is best for her right now. man you are being so harsh. he should probably move on but i wouldnt attack her - they just sound uncompatible; that doesnt make her a bad person. do you just have sex with every man that you date and that's why you are being so hard on this woman? no disrespect, i am just asking. i wait a while before doing anything with anyone i am dating... is my libido low? dont get angry with me for these comments, i am just talking and asking questions. Maybe.. and maybe she has no libido.. and is just using that excuse for not having sex.. my assumption is just as good as yours.. sorry.
Author dilly Posted August 29, 2008 Author Posted August 29, 2008 Thank you, All good words of advice. I love this forum. I'm breaking it off with her. I'll let you guys know how it goes.
bigmanpayne Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 Maybe.. and maybe she has no libido.. and is just using that excuse for not having sex.. my assumption is just as good as yours.. sorry. i understand that we are all just sharing our opinions, it just seemed like you were just so headstrong, forceful and mean about it. maybe i am wrong, i dont know. your assumption is just as good as mine. why dont you like me lizzie?
Lizzie60 Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 i understand that we are all just sharing our opinions, it just seemed like you were just so headstrong, forceful and mean about it. maybe i am wrong, i dont know. your assumption is just as good as mine. why dont you like me lizzie? Huh? where did you get that idea... Maybe I come on as being harsh.. my mother tongue is French so.. I don't have the subtility and the vocabulary a 'real' English person has.. I also work mainly in French.. I don't know.. on a board like this .. it's hard to not sound mean sometimes.. it's not like you see the person's face.. sometimes a post is funny but it will come out as being 'sarcastic' or the other way around..
yongyong Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 Is this a mormon lady with kids at such youg age?? RUN!!!!!
sfsassy Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 I think you made the right choice Dilly. She could just have become very religious, which is fine for her. Considering her views on sex, she may want to date someone within her own religion. However you need sex sooner, so I think your decision was for the best. Are you planning on telling her the reason?
Shygirl15 Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 Huh? where did you get that idea... Maybe I come on as being harsh.. my mother tongue is French so.. I don't have the subtility and the vocabulary a 'real' English person has.. I also work mainly in French.. I don't know.. on a board like this .. it's hard to not sound mean sometimes.. it's not like you see the person's face.. sometimes a post is funny but it will come out as being 'sarcastic' or the other way around.. Yeah, Frenchies can come off as rude without necessarily mean to be rude. Tell me about it. Sometimes I feel like punching my boss on his face.
Tomcat33 Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 Thank you, All good words of advice. I love this forum. I'm breaking it off with her. I'll let you guys know how it goes. She sounds completely manipulative Dilly yet in the name of "religion" she will practically do anything but. So she wants to save herself until marriage and not have sex, is talking marriage after a month, all this and she already had two kids. Chyyyya right!! :laugh: It's laughable. And you know what? Some poor schmuck will fall for it, he will get so hot and heavy with her to the point where he will marry her to avoid the perma-blue balls he has to carry around just to be with her. Don't be that guy. Take it from me I am a woman. Also another reason she is manipulative is that if she is so concerned with staying celebate until she marries what the heck is she doing getting so hot and heavy with you in the make-out sessions? I have a name for women like that, they are called a "cock tease" It's ok if she wants to take is slow but this sounds ridiculous! I wouldn't say this unless you showed discontent, if you were fine with it I would say the more power to you two.
Author dilly Posted August 29, 2008 Author Posted August 29, 2008 OK. I wanted to tell her in person and we had the weekend planned but things fell through. I text her that I wanted to speak to her directly and sensing something was up she fired back that if I wanted to break up with her just might as well text her. (womans intuition or what?!) So I sent her a long text basically saying everything I said here. The whole religion thing. No sex. yada yada. She wrote me back saying that she hopes I find happiness and that she will cherish our time together. Thats it. We are through. I think she really did have an agenda to let me go so easily. Aw well, heartbreak is never easy. I guess I'll be posting on the break up section now. LOL! btw. yes she was Mormon
Recommended Posts