Blindsidedagainalive Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 For those women who got caught in an affair. Were you completely honest with the BS or did you try to minimize the frequency, enjoyment level, how long it lasted, penis size, etc. For those who were minimizing, please elaborate what you exaggerated and why. For those who were completely honest, are you glad you were?
nopainnogain Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 honesty is the best policy. Sounds gay and cliche but its true
Agent_99 Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 Well I wasn't caught. I left my husband about 2 weeks into the affair, actually I had ended the affair too. I didn't tell him for several months, by the the affair had resumed, only I was single. When I told him, that was when he was really able to finish moving on and our friendship improved greatly. I did NOT give him many details about the sex, and since we were no longer together he really didn't want to know. The other scenario~ same husband about 7 years ago, he had a short affair, which about a month into it, I knew about. He couldn't decide between the two of us etc. I asked for full disclosure, I wanted to know EVERYTHING. I was a little obsessed At first he tried to minimize it though, and lordy I wanted to beleive him! But deep down it didn't feel right. One day I asked him, why did you continue to have sex with her if it was so bad? After a little discussion he was honest with me. It was after that I was able to heal from his A. I still had moments of deep insecurity, but eventually I realized that everyone is different and it was OKAY for her to be one way and me to be another. Now I know that he was completly honest with me because a few years later her and I became very good friends, eventualy we talked about the A so that it wouldn't hang silent between our friendship. She independently confirmed the things he said. The thing was he had lied to me about ONE small thing, just a little thing, but it brought back ALL of the sense of betrayal, pain, and loss of confidence that the A originally did. If he had just been completly honest from the start we wouldn't have went through that second period of 'dealing with it'. So I was glad for the honesty, as the BS. I would have been happier with complete honesty. It would have allowed a clean heal, instead of reopening the scar at a later date. Now for my MW and her partner. Partner was told about the A, she DID NOT want to know anything. I think that MW tried to use the A as a way to open up communications between them, but her partner is good with the status quo. She wants their life to be how it is, not anything more or less. Basically they are roommates. So in this case honesty wouldn't get them anything except more ammo for P to use against MW. Although MW did try for full disclosure, her P didn't want to hear it. I think if P had opened up to MW at that time, the A wouldn't have resumed. MW would have gotten the initmacy she needs. Hope these stories help. ~99
wildsoul Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 I've never cheated on one of my partners, so can't answer from that persepctive. When it was finally proven that one of my xBF's was cheating on me, with multiple women & prostitutes, I didn't want to know any details. But it's a different scenario than finding out about one person in particular and trying to forgive the A. Your question reminds me of a recent study that's been highlighted in some tv programs and magazines about how different genders of BS tend to have different concerns. In a nutshell: Male BS's were most concerned with the sexual affair, wanting to know details of the physical betrayal.Female BS's were most concerned with the emotional afair, wanting to know details of whether love/feelings were involved.Obviously, everyone is a mix of concerns. But what I thought was interesting is how there was also a mismatch between the BS's and CS's perspective. For example, a female CS was mostly validated in her A because it gave her emotional intimacy. Yet her BS was most wounded by her sexual infidelity. So she didn't understand why her BS needed to talk about the sex in order to heal and move on. Understanding what the other's concerns were helped both the BS and CS.
Ronni_W Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 For those who were minimizing, please elaborate what you exaggerated and why. I also haven't been in the position, but I'm pretty sure that I'd minimize because I can't (right now) see what possible good it would do me or my betrayed partner, for me to go on and on about what a great time I had with some other guy(s). Ack! I would exaggerate only to dig the knife in deeper and twist it further. Right now, I can't envision a scenario that would leave with me with the need to do that, either. Ack! And I'm pretty sure my answer would be the same whether I was trying to reconcile with the guy on whom I cheated, or not. Saying again, though, these are my current thoughts -- who knows the circumstances under which I'd find myself in that situation, which, those circumstances might lead to a totally different view and set of behaviours.
Lizzie60 Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 For those women who got caught in an affair. Were you completely honest with the BS or did you try to minimize the frequency, enjoyment level, how long it lasted, penis size, etc. For those who were minimizing, please elaborate what you exaggerated and why. For those who were completely honest, are you glad you were? I never cheated on my partners but I was caught with a MM by his W one evening.. She asked me a lot of questions.. I was totally honest.. but afterwards, I thought that I should have 'hidden' some truths.. it was unecessary pains IMO...
mistresswchildren Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 Does the BS really want to know details? I have had one real conversation with the woman since the affair, and she didn't want to know. She just asked me why I kept on with the affair. She wanted to know my motivation because he had passed it off as if it was a one night thing originally. He made her believe there was no emotion whatsoever. I do not know why anyone would want to know the details of their spouses other sexual encounters. I personally wouldn't want to know.
Agent_99 Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 Does the BS really want to know details? I have had one real conversation with the woman since the affair, and she didn't want to know. She just asked me why I kept on with the affair. She wanted to know my motivation because he had passed it off as if it was a one night thing originally. He made her believe there was no emotion whatsoever. I do not know why anyone would want to know the details of their spouses other sexual encounters. I personally wouldn't want to know. I guess the difference for me, is that when I love someone I want to know ALL of them. When my X had his affair I wanted to know what drew him to her, what he enjoyed about their relationship. Not to change myself, but to understand him. I didn't want second by second replays of their sex but I did want to know what they did, how he felt about it, etc. Yes it hurt at times to hear, but I also got to know a part of him that I may not of otherwise. BUT you also bring up something else, I wanted to know. Does the BS want to know and it seems that in many of these situations no they don't. So OP are your questions rhetorical or is there a specific BS. Does that person want to know? They have a right to the truth, imo, if they want to hear it. ~99
silktricks Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 I wanted to know. Without full disclosure I never would have been able to heal. I'm just that kind of person.
ShouldveKnownBetter Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 I was completely honest. I didn't OFFER anything that wasn't asked, but if asked, I told everything. He had been lying to me quite a bit too, and I thought that BS should have all the info she wanted since she was going to try to work it out with her H. That did get sticky after awhile... she became a bit obsessive and passively threatened me once I tried to sever contact with her (2 weeks after I had already severed contact with him!)... but thankfully it's done now. Click on my name & see my old posts entitled "OW talking to BS" if you want the specifics of my situation.
NoIDidn't Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 I have not cheated on my H, to date, but I wouldn't tell the details of the sex. Having the A would hurt him enough. I couldn't destroy him further by giving the details. Plus, my H has a simple philosophy of not asking questions he isn't prepared to receive answers to. He probably wouldn't ask. I wouldn't tell, because as witnessed by many on these forums, I have a tendency of choosing the wrong words and giving the wrong impressions. For instance, if the sex was great with a previous boyfriend and he asked about it, I might get too carried away with *reminiscing*, if you will. And he would be upset over my memory being so vivid, and me enjoying it so much. So, yeah. I wouldn't want to hurt him by telling him about another man while we are married. That's my take. Hope it helped.
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