daisydo Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 hey guys, i really need some help. i've been with my boyfriend for about 6 months now. when we first met, it was as if i had met my soulmate. i had never felt so in-sync with anyone.. we could finish each other's sentences and i felt like i had known him my entire life. we were inseparable.. and so we spent a ton of time together.. as much as we could and everything was wonderful! we were totally in love - head over heels. i knew he was the person i wanted to be with for the rest of my life. about 3 months in, we decided that in order to save money, we would live together just for the summer. 2-3 months, so not a big deal right? well, it may have ruined everything we once had. we are now living in separate places - but things are just not the same. i feel so extremely critical of everything he does and says.. the romance is just not there anymore.. i feel as if i'm dating someone completely different from who i was dating during the first part of our relationship. were all the feeling i experienced in the beginning not real? i just feel tense around him now and indifferent as to whether or not we hang out.. i know we moved SO fast .. i just didn't think it would explode in our faces like this. our sex life has suffered and we fight quite a bit. i feel as if we haven't taken care of the relationship like we should have.. i just want to go back to the first few months .. where everything was so magical and wonderful and i felt so energized! now all we do is just sit on the couch watching tv.. and i feel as if is just sucking my soul. what do i do? what can i do? is this just completely ruined now? the feelings had to have been real.. how do we recapture them? we're both willing to try to fix things but just don't know how.. please help me!
Ronni_W Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 Your feelings DEFINITELY were real! No doubt about that. But in your case (and possibly ALL cases), it appears that there was not a limitless supply of those feelings, where lightning crashes and thunder rolls; where everything is electric and nothing else matters. So, perhaps trying to get them back, as it were, will prove futile and frustrating. Perhaps it is more about accepting that you both must create NEW positive and passionate feelings, and bring in FRESH perspectives of each other and of yourselves -- views that more closely match the reality of the wonderful individuals you really are...with flaws and idiosyncrasies that may have been obscured at first. And from there, you'll have something that can nurture and sustain the 'lightning and thunder'...and the passion and wonder of it all. I do hope you guys get there, again.
rod_in_gtown Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 This is a toughie, I think there's a good chance the "feelings" you were feeling at the beginning were the excitement mixed with the sexual tension and chemistry you once had. Those things wear out and it seems like you accelerated that process by moving in together way to quickly - I did that so I know - It's hard to come to terms that maybe the other person isn't as perfect and wonderful as maybe you thought they were and now you're faced with a reality, what now? One thing strikes me as I re-read your story, you guys spend a lot of time watching tv? That in my oppinion is a relationship killer. The idiot box is the most sedentary, stupefying invention known to man - I know this because I love it -. You need to start doing things outside the couch. Play pool at the local hall, go swing some bats at the batting cages or putt putting course. go to a comedy club or at least to the park. you need to interact with each other so that your relationship stops being with the tv and starts being with each other. Go to the gym, the endorphins are probably not there because your body is not active. It's time to start working at the relationship or quit. Your choice.
BrooklynBridge Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 This is a toughie, I think there's a good chance the "feelings" you were feeling at the beginning were the excitement mixed with the sexual tension and chemistry you once had. Those things wear out and it seems like you accelerated that process by moving in together way to quickly - I did that so I know - It's hard to come to terms that maybe the other person isn't as perfect and wonderful as maybe you thought they were and now you're faced with a reality, what now? One thing strikes me as I re-read your story, you guys spend a lot of time watching tv? That in my oppinion is a relationship killer. The idiot box is the most sedentary, stupefying invention known to man - I know this because I love it -. You need to start doing things outside the couch. Play pool at the local hall, go swing some bats at the batting cages or putt putting course. go to a comedy club or at least to the park. you need to interact with each other so that your relationship stops being with the tv and starts being with each other. Go to the gym, the endorphins are probably not there because your body is not active. It's time to start working at the relationship or quit. Your choice. Could not agree more!!!! One thing I've noticed in my current (READ: AMAZING) relationship is we do NEW & DIFFERENT things together, at least once a week. Before you scoff at the notion, it really brings those feelings back or for me, sustains them! Why? Because when you experience something new with someone else for the first time, its new and exciting. I've gone hiking hundreds of times, but I went with my GF for the first time together with her this past weekend and it felt like I was on an amazing first date. You should *actively* do NEW things outside of your HOUSE with him at lease once a week and you will see a MAJOR difference......
Author daisydo Posted August 28, 2008 Author Posted August 28, 2008 thanks you guys for all the responses. a few other things i want to add: there are a few things about his personality that i have noticed over the summer (while we were living together) that i didn't realize about him at first.. when we first got together, he was always in a great mood and always positive and happy. since the "newness" wore off i have found him to be increasingly negative and in a bad mood. i find that his moods affect me.. so when he stresses out about something, so do i. when he is in a bad mood, i find myself angry and in a bad mood. i'm not sure what to do about this because i think it is just who he is as a person.. it's things like this that make me want to agree with rod's reply that maybe we just didn't know each other and the feelings were excitement and sexual tension.. i just don't know though.. it felt so real.. but now it's as if the feelings have just evaporated and all i feel is stress. please keep the thoughts coming - i really need all the help i can get. we have already planned an outdoors day for labor day - so i guess we'll see how it goes after that.
katherinev87 Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 Hey all! OP, there's no point in feeling bad about moving fast. What is 'fast' anyway...in a world where sex on the third date is standard, people can't move anything but fast, just to keep up. That being said...dontcha just hate it when the 'butterflies' phase is over!?! I totally agree with the above posts about keeping your relationship active...literally. Getting out and doing different activities (whether the activity is physical (ie: hiking, sports, blah blah blah), or just physically doing something (ie: getting up off the couch, to go for coffee)...if that makes sense) is important to keeping your relationship alive. Plus, it's great for building memories together. Memories are real great in helping you to pull through more rough patches that are sure to come in the future.
Ronni_W Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 i find that his moods affect me... when he is in a bad mood, i find myself angry and in a bad mood. i'm not sure what to do about this That's a common problem, not just in romantic relationships. The truth is that WE allow others' moods to negatively affect us, and we really are not obligated to do so. For me, it was about learning how to stay indifferent to their 'vibes' when they are all pissy or pissed off. For example, if my guy comes home all upset from the office or the golf course, I listen to a bit of his venting then more-or-less do, "Oh, that sucks...can I do anything?" And just leave him alone and maybe an hour later go, "feeling any better?" and just take it from there. He's allowed to feel angry or in a bad mood, and I'm allowed NOT to .
rod_in_gtown Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 That's a common problem, not just in romantic relationships. The truth is that WE allow others' moods to negatively affect us, and we really are not obligated to do so. For me, it was about learning how to stay indifferent to their 'vibes' when they are all pissy or pissed off. For example, if my guy comes home all upset from the office or the golf course, I listen to a bit of his venting then more-or-less do, "Oh, that sucks...can I do anything?" And just leave him alone and maybe an hour later go, "feeling any better?" and just take it from there. He's allowed to feel angry or in a bad mood, and I'm allowed NOT to . I wholeheartedly agree. Also, physical activity stimulates endorphines giving you a general natural high, this should also help improve his mood and by extension your mood. Also, a good mantra to have and to repeat to yourself on a daily basis is: "I cannot control how other people behave, I can, however, control how I react to their behavior". Choose to be at peace and don't let his mood affect you. It's hard to have a downer by your side but also know that a smile can be quite contagious.
Recommended Posts