This was expected but...

[MusicChick24]

I've posted a little bit about my break up but for anyone who hasn't seen my previous posts, my boyfriend of three years and I broke up three weeks ago. And we've been friends. We broke up because he's never been with another girl before, I was his first gf ever, and he began questioning whether he wanted to considering taking this to marriage. His brother had just married his high school sweetheart and only gf ever and it made my bf start wondering if that was where we were going. So we took a break so that he could think, and we continued talking and being friends, really nothing changed but our title. We still hung out etc.

 

Well a couple days ago he came over and said that he knew he wanted to get back together with me, and didn't want to be without me forever, but he didn't know when we would get back together. Whether it would be a couple days, months etc. Because he has an issue with commitment and he wanted to work that out for sure before we got back together. But then a day or so after that he said that it might be the next few days, things seemed to be coming together for him. He asked me if I would start coming to his house again and I told him no because I had been avoiding his parents and what might come if I came to his house.

 

He's my best friend in the whole world, and I have guys at my college that would love to date me, and he said that he doesn't want me to say yes to another guy, and he's not persuing other girls either so it's not really a double standard. I'm in love with him and I know I want to spend the rest of my life with him. But did this break really fix things or will this happen again since I'm still the only girl he's ever been with.

 

P.S: His brother didn't go through this process so is it possible that the break was really all he needed to get his head together?

 

<3

[Ronni_W]

So we took a break so that he could think, ... but he didn't know when we would get back together. Whether it would be a couple days, months etc. Because he has an issue with commitment and he wanted to work that out

What, exactly and specifically, is your guy doing to "work out" his commitment phobia? Where is he in his current "thinking" of things? What books has he read, self-help sites has he visited, therapists has he consulted? If none of that has yet happened, and he's no further in overcoming his issue and choosing you, then it would just seem to be part of a whole yarn that this guy is spinning you. Wouldn't it?

 

It also won't matter if you are the only girl he's been with so far. At some point, most go from their only/first person to their next/second one...and so on. (His brother's life and personal experiences really have nothing to do with anything. Other than your guy could be holding them up to indulge his whims and excuse his inconsideration of your feelings, wants, needs, etc.)

[MusicChick24]

He's not doing any of that...but the thing that made me think that there was still hope is that he used to have this persona...that he gained from his parents...where he thought he was perfect and that all the changing needed to come from me...and the other night he finally admitted that he had things to work on and he knew he was a jackass and he pushed me to get angry with him. It suprised me cause like I said over 3 years he never admitted that he's ever done anything wrong. It doesn't have anything to do with his commitment problem...but I partially think some of that is because I AM the only girl he's ever been with and committed too..but I may be wrong.

 

<3

[movingonandon]

I've posted a little bit about my break up but for anyone who hasn't seen my previous posts, my boyfriend of three years and I broke up three weeks ago. And we've been friends. We broke up because he's never been with another girl before, I was his first gf ever, and he began questioning whether he wanted to considering taking this to marriage. His brother had just married his high school sweetheart and only gf ever and it made my bf start wondering if that was where we were going. So we took a break so that he could think, and we continued talking and being friends, really nothing changed but our title. We still hung out etc.

 

Well a couple days ago he came over and said that he knew he wanted to get back together with me, and didn't want to be without me forever, but he didn't know when we would get back together. Whether it would be a couple days, months etc. Because he has an issue with commitment and he wanted to work that out for sure before we got back together. But then a day or so after that he said that it might be the next few days, things seemed to be coming together for him. He asked me if I would start coming to his house again and I told him no because I had been avoiding his parents and what might come if I came to his house.

 

He's my best friend in the whole world, and I have guys at my college that would love to date me, and he said that he doesn't want me to say yes to another guy, and he's not persuing other girls either so it's not really a double standard. I'm in love with him and I know I want to spend the rest of my life with him. But did this break really fix things or will this happen again since I'm still the only girl he's ever been with.

 

P.S: His brother didn't go through this process so is it possible that the break was really all he needed to get his head together?

 

<3

 

it really depends on the person, so you'll never know for sure until you give it a try. Specifically, some guys will think about the "joys" of dating other girls, but then will realise (without doing it, just by reflection), that this is ridiculous and will be more commited to you than ever.

Some guys will never have this resolved and this could simmer and create problems down the road (i.e. actual cheating, lack of complete commitment). finally, some guys will actually date other girls and may or may not come back, in which case it is up to you to decide whether it is worth it to take them back.

 

I was from the 1st kind, had a period through which I questioned whether I really want to be with now-ex girl forever (she wasn't my first, but I've been with very few girls). It took me about 6 months to realise that this questioning is effin ridiculous. Didn't do anything during that period, and i did end up more commited to her than ever, but then she dumped me. (maybe she picked on some of the questioning and made the wrong conclusions, i'll never know)

[Ronni_W]

the other night he finally admitted that he had things to work on ...but I partially think some of that is because I AM the only girl he's ever been with

Well, yeah, that he finally gets that he is part of the problem is a major step in the right direction. But I'd still want to know what he plans to do about being part of the solution, and when he plans to start doing it. And what, if anything, he sees as 'my' contribution to the problem and the solution.

 

I don't get the connection to you being his only girl, though. NOT saying that your assessment is inaccurate, just that I'm not seeing how it relates to his attitudes and behaviours. (Not that I need to see it, of course. Go by what your own heart is telling you about what is in your own best interest to think and do.)

[nowhereman82]

He has no right to wish you not to date others. Thats my 2 cents

[MusicChick24]

Well I guess the only way I can explain it is because wouldn't you be doubtful if you were serious with someone and they were the only person you had ever been with? You wonder if you wanted to marry them or if it was possible someone better was out there. I think that's what's happening with him.

 

I would be the same way but I've been with alot more guys.

 

<3

[Ronni_W]

wouldn't you be doubtful if you were serious with someone and they were the only person you had ever been with? You wonder if you wanted to marry them or if it was possible someone better was out there.

( I was a tad slow but) I totally get it now . Yes, that is a normal doubt, I would say.

In fact, I know a couple like that: High school sweethearts, and they'd been dating for years (gonna guess 5 or 6), when he started having his doubts. But his g/f said, "Fine, and please understand that I won't be sitting at home, pining and waiting for you!" He ended up in a 2-year relationship with an 'older woman'. And then he married his high school sweetheart...happily married for almost 20 years.

BUT he knows her strength, and what she will and will not put up with from him...he knows not take her love and commitment for granted, not to toy with her affections and emotions, and definitely not to try double-standards. She taught him that by taking the stand that she did.

 

I honestly don't know if she ACTUALLY dated anyone else during the time he was figuring-out his crap. (I think maybe not.) But I think the message that she gave him was important for her self-esteem at the time, and also a lesson in what she expected from him if/when he returned.

 

So, perhaps in your own situation, it's not so much what you are willing to do or not do in the meantime, but to let him know that you will NOT accept, for yourself, a role as doormat or "last resort"...that you want to be treated equally, with dignity and the respect that you deserve.

At the end of the day, though, it is of course totally up to you.

[chacha7]

I had this problem with my ex bf too. I was his first everything and he was my second everything even though he was 2 years older than me, and I always felt like he would someday be like I want to see what else is out there before I commit. Your post is really interesting to me bc I don't think about this issue that much, but breakup could be the result of some sort of manifestation of this feeling of wanting to see what else is out there on his part. The thing is I think it is always unfair for the person who was with someone else, because they will always have it in the back of their head thinking "will they leave me even if everything is going perfect to try to find what they already have?". Maybe my ex bf was scared to commit to me on some level bc of this feeling, but in reality I have this feeling to some extent too... I have only been with one other person in my life. In the end, we were just incompatible but this was a bit of an question on my part when we first got together and was always in the back of my mind.

[Melrapuo]

I had this problem with my ex bf too. I was his first everything and he was my second everything even though he was 2 years older than me, and I always felt like he would someday be like I want to see what else is out there before I commit. Your post is really interesting to me bc I don't think about this issue that much, but breakup could be the result of some sort of manifestation of this feeling of wanting to see what else is out there on his part. The thing is I think it is always unfair for the person who was with someone else, because they will always have it in the back of their head thinking "will they leave me even if everything is going perfect to try to find what they already have?". Maybe my ex bf was scared to commit to me on some level bc of this feeling, but in reality I have this feeling to some extent too... I have only been with one other person in my life. In the end, we were just incompatible but this was a bit of an question on my part when we first got together and was always in the back of my mind.

 

I never understood the idea of freaking out over the SO having only been with one person. Granted, its a valid reason to wonder if they will ever stray one day, but does it really justify leaving them because of that? I think its more insecurity on the end of the person who is having these feelings, rather than the other person's inexperience.

 

This is what my ex had told me in the beginning. That we should date other people and if we come back to each other in the future, so be it. But her explanation for things always changed. Which is why I decided to just say goodbye and do my best to move on.