dazed.1 Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 I didn't know where else to place this thread; probably in Family but there's never anyone there and I need some advice here. If you know my history, you know my bf is of diff race and his father (apparently the only one from his family) doesn't approve of us, we broke up once over it, but got back together after realizing the mistake. So basically he has spend his entire life trying to earn his parents love and respect and approval but really he hasn't gotten far. From the stories and things he has told me it sounds like he has been a "dissappointment" from the very beginning. Recently, for sake of our relationship and the approval of his father/family, he moved back home to help out with family businesses. He works everyday between businesses trying to keep things running smooth in hopes that they will see that he can be "the son they always wanted" while being with me also. He has worn himself down and out and still it is like nothing is ever good enough. Some things have happened in the last couple days (seemingly unrelated to myself) between him and members of his immediate family where he is ready to just walk away from them all. I don't want to say what they were but trust me that the things his family did are just horrible. I know his heart is breaking and mine is breaking for him. I love him so much and I know all he has ever wanted was for them to just be proud of him and to accept him as who he is. But that still hasn't happened. He is constantly hassled and harrased and accused, it just makes me sick to my stomach to imagine a person's family doing this to them, and the fact that I love him so much makes it soo much worse. I can't stop crying this morning, he called me last night in tears ( and he is one of those macho guys that never cries) because he is just so hurt. The thought of him in that much pain is just unbearable to me. He feels like a complete outcast in his entire family...no one left to talk to. I just don't know what do you. He says he wants to walk away from them all but I just don't know what to say to him, I mean I couldn't imagine being without the love and support of my family (ps my family absolutely adores him). I mean my bf and I have talked about family a lot and we both feel very stongly that family is most important, I am scared about what is going to happen to him emotionally from all of this. What do I do, do I tell him to stay and try and make things right even though he isn't doing anything wrong and they are hurting him so much? Please, advice?
manugeorge Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 Why is he trying so hard to please people that can't/won't be pleased? If they considered him a dissapointment his whole life, why is he trying to change their mind now? A mind that is already made up before the man was ever given a chance. Tell him to stop with the insanity already.
Author dazed.1 Posted August 28, 2008 Author Posted August 28, 2008 Why is he trying so hard to please people that can't/won't be pleased? If they considered him a dissapointment his whole life, why is he trying to change their mind now? A mind that is already made up before the man was ever given a chance. Tell him to stop with the insanity already. Yes I understand exactly what you are saying, that is how I would react if I was in his shoes. But he comes from a culture where family is VERY important; I mean my fam is super important to me too but this is stressed on a totally different level, like family before yourself and your own happiness (or at least that is what it seems like to me). I believe that is ingrained in his head. I am worried about what is going to happen to him emotionally as a result of this.
lonelyandfrustrated Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 Dazed, I see what you're saying about the culture of family, but isn't there a point where a family member is expected to bring in NEW family members? The family would just die off without them. Hopefully your bf will tire of this himself, because it's really not your business to get involved at this point. You are still, technically, outside the family. All you can do is offer your bf support, but I'd be hesitant to offer advice or try to 'fix' things.
manugeorge Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 Yes I understand exactly what you are saying, that is how I would react if I was in his shoes. But he comes from a culture where family is VERY important; I mean my fam is super important to me too but this is stressed on a totally different level, like family before yourself and your own happiness (or at least that is what it seems like to me). I believe that is ingrained in his head. I am worried about what is going to happen to him emotionally as a result of this. well, that's just a train wreck I'm afraid you have no choice but to watch happen. I understand how culture can weigh strongly on people's values. If he's not going to do anything differently, and he's family is not going to change. All you can really do is stand by and watch. Provide support where you can but ultimately, it's up to him to take care of his own emotional health.
Ronni_W Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 but I just don't know what to say to him, I mean I couldn't imagine being without the love and support of my family The difference is that he does not HAVE the love and support of his family. You can suggest to him that he might want to start making decisions that he feels in his heart will be best for him; for his long-term happiness and success. You can say that, hopefully, when he starts standing up for his own needs, wants and values, that his family will then come to respect and admire him. You can honestly say that the way he has been trying to earn their love and approval obviously isn't working, so he may as well try something different...he has nothing to lose and much to potentially gain by changing his own beliefs and actions as they relate to his family. You could also suggest that he might want to look into self-help (books, internet) about improving self-esteem, learning how to set healthy emotional boundaries, getting out of co-dependent relationships, dealing with toxic/dysfunctional family-of-origin dynamics, etc. You (and your family) are doing the most important thing, though -- just being there for him and understanding what he's going through. Other than that, you can only make suggestions...always leaving it up to him to choose his own path. Do not feel that you ought to know how to advise him on whether he should stay or go. That is not your role in his life, nor your responsibility or obligation. Ultimately, that is up to him to learn how to make his own adult decisions that will support his happiness and goals. I am scared about what is going to happen to him emotionally from all of this.Unfortunately, that boat has already sailed -- he has already felt, and will continue to feel, the emotional effects of this life-long struggle of his. It is up to him to gain the information, knowledge and insights into how to ensure that they do not interfere with the rest of his life and all his other adult relationships. He can accomplish much of that on his own, and may also benefit greatly from individual therapy at some point. (If he is open to therapy at this point, encourage him to start it as soon as he can.) Praying him Guidance, Courage and Strength.
Author dazed.1 Posted August 28, 2008 Author Posted August 28, 2008 Dazed, I see what you're saying about the culture of family, but isn't there a point where a family member is expected to bring in NEW family members? The family would just die off without them. Hopefully your bf will tire of this himself, because it's really not your business to get involved at this point. You are still, technically, outside the family. All you can do is offer your bf support, but I'd be hesitant to offer advice or try to 'fix' things. I think you are so right, but do you think it is okay if I give my opinion like saying to him that he isn't doing anything wrong and that his family is treating him totally unfairly?
Author dazed.1 Posted August 28, 2008 Author Posted August 28, 2008 well, that's just a train wreck I'm afraid you have no choice but to watch happen. I understand how culture can weigh strongly on people's values. If he's not going to do anything differently, and he's family is not going to change. All you can really do is stand by and watch. Provide support where you can but ultimately, it's up to him to take care of his own emotional health. True I know, that's kind of what I thought too. I just love him so much and I just want this to all end.
Author dazed.1 Posted August 28, 2008 Author Posted August 28, 2008 The difference is that he does not HAVE the love and support of his family. You can suggest to him that he might want to start making decisions that he feels in his heart will be best for him; for his long-term happiness and success. You can say that, hopefully, when he starts standing up for his own needs, wants and values, that his family will then come to respect and admire him. You can honestly say that the way he has been trying to earn their love and approval obviously isn't working, so he may as well try something different...he has nothing to lose and much to potentially gain by changing his own beliefs and actions as they relate to his family. You could also suggest that he might want to look into self-help (books, internet) about improving self-esteem, learning how to set healthy emotional boundaries, getting out of co-dependent relationships, dealing with toxic/dysfunctional family-of-origin dynamics, etc. You (and your family) are doing the most important thing, though -- just being there for him and understanding what he's going through. Other than that, you can only make suggestions...always leaving it up to him to choose his own path. Do not feel that you ought to know how to advise him on whether he should stay or go. That is not your role in his life, nor your responsibility or obligation. Ultimately, that is up to him to learn how to make his own adult decisions that will support his happiness and goals. Unfortunately, that boat has already sailed -- he has already felt, and will continue to feel, the emotional effects of this life-long struggle of his. It is up to him to gain the information, knowledge and insights into how to ensure that they do not interfere with the rest of his life and all his other adult relationships. He can accomplish much of that on his own, and may also benefit greatly from individual therapy at some point. (If he is open to therapy at this point, encourage him to start it as soon as he can.) Praying him Guidance, Courage and Strength. Oh my god thank you so much, that is to right, I am so sad. I just want to fix it all for him, I know that he has to do it I'm just scared he isn't strong enough, they have such a hold on him...it is so sad to me.
Ronni_W Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 , I am so sad. I just want to fix it all for him, I know that he has to do it I'm just scared he isn't strong enough, they have such a hold on him...it is so sad to me. Your fear that you may lose him to his (toxic and soul-destroying) family is a normal reaction under the circumstances. And it may very well happen exactly like that. Because, yes, he will have to go very deep into his own strengths to be able to actually break free from them. Cultural/religious traditions often bind even more tightly than family dynamics/expectations. And he is struggling against both. For you, it would be about learning how to deal with your fear of losing him OUTSIDE of your relationship with him. Using your own support network, doing self-help, getting therapy of your own to deal with this fear. It is wonderful to be empathetic but it's even more important to not take on his pain and suffering as your own. Those are not yours to attach to. At the end, it is between him and his god, as to how he will resolve his situation and find his place on this planet. I'm sure you know, intellectually, that you do not have power or a place in that. You cannot "mend" someone else's problems for them...even if you WERE his (loving and caring) mom, you couldn't. And you can't do it as his loving and caring girlfriend, either. It is his Lesson, about being assertive and choosing loving and kind people with whom to share his life's joys and accomplishments. We can really only hope that he learns well and chooses wisely. Sending hugs and angels.
Author dazed.1 Posted August 28, 2008 Author Posted August 28, 2008 Yeah that is so true, and I am afraid of losing him I guess. But I am more afraid that he is going to ruin his life by letting them dictate it to him. I know I can't control his decisions and that ultimately he will have to make some. I just think it is sad that his family doesn't know him at all, who they think he is...no....he has never truely opened up to them, not like to me. Even if he did I don't think it would matter, he has to always lie and sugar coat things to them, I know him 100% and they know nothing....and if he choses them, I am the one that loses, and I'm the only one that really loves him....
lonelyandfrustrated Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 I think you are so right, but do you think it is okay if I give my opinion like saying to him that he isn't doing anything wrong and that his family is treating him totally unfairly? I would be very careful there...the last thing you want to do is be stuck at a family gathering after bf has repaired his relationships, and he tries to keep you separate because all bf remembers is how much you dislike his family and what jerks you think they all are.
Author dazed.1 Posted August 28, 2008 Author Posted August 28, 2008 I would be very careful there...the last thing you want to do is be stuck at a family gathering after bf has repaired his relationships, and he tries to keep you separate because all bf remembers is how much you dislike his family and what jerks you think they all are. Ok I am already separated from his family. I have NEVER met his mom or dad, because dad (and thus mom) don't "believe" I even exist. I am nothing to him (father) because I was not part of the life he had planned for his son (my bf). We have been together for over 2 and a hlaf years . And this is not something that will ever be repaired, he will just continue to take the abuse but never be happy. And I don't think they are "jerks" I think they have treated my boyfriend terribly and I don't think he deserves that, but I have never even met them so I don't have a personal judgment of them. I don't dislike them for not wanting me a part of their sons life because they don't even know who I am.
Ronni_W Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 And I don't think they are "jerks" I think they have treated my boyfriend terribly One way is to turn whatever is the matter at hand into a question: "Do YOU think your family are treating you fairly?" or "Well, if this was your best friend, how would YOU advise him?" or "How did that make YOU feel?" And then you can empathize, or agree, or you can do something like, "Yeah, I see your point about that...but I still don't like that their action/attitude about this leaves you feeling badly about yourself." And just keep the people that his family are separate from their actions. Like, "I so appreciate your mom and dad for having you...cos I *love* having you my life and without them that wouldn't be possible. So I gotta love them for that. But I really wish they would love you and treat you HOW YOU want them to." Basically, just make it about him, and the good stuff that HE wants for himself, instead of what YOU want for him...which is likely gonna be one and the same (love, respect, positive dynamics, acceptance, etc.), so it's just a matter of how you present it (if that makes sense?)
Author dazed.1 Posted August 29, 2008 Author Posted August 29, 2008 RW Yeah that totally makes sense....I have just been saying things like "that is not right that they are doing that, you didn't do anything wrong" but I never say "I think they are...." because I know that at the end of the day that is still is family. I guess I just want him to do certain things but I want him to make those decisions on his own, not with my influence, and that is exactly what you are saying. Thanks.
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