pandagirl Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 Last night, I went to a friend's bday party, where there was a guy I just got along with well. I knew he had a serious gf -- we even talked about him wanting to marry her -- and besides, I wasn't interested in him. But, we're both goofy, silly, weird people and ended up talking most of the night and laughing. Anyway, by the end of the night, he started to get really touchy-feely with me. I was just sort of ignoring it and not goading it on. But, then he kept on following me around, sitting next to me, hugging me, and at one point, he kind of starting softly pinching my arm and whispered to me: "what are you thinking...?" EW!!! I just quickly distracted/extracted myself from the situation. My friend, who everyone knows is married, also got hit on by a guy. What gives? I know not all guys are like this, but it makes me feel dirty. I feel like, if I'm just nice and friendly to guys, they misinterpret this as me wanting to hook up with them. It's happened like 4x in the last month. Am I to blame??
Bells Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 Last night, I went to a friend's bday party, where there was a guy I just got along with well. I knew he had a serious gf -- we even talked about him wanting to marry her -- and besides, I wasn't interested in him. But, we're both goofy, silly, weird people and ended up talking most of the night and laughing. Anyway, by the end of the night, he started to get really touchy-feely with me. I was just sort of ignoring it and not goading it on. But, then he kept on following me around, sitting next to me, hugging me, and at one point, he kind of starting softly pinching my arm and whispered to me: "what are you thinking...?" EW!!! I just quickly distracted/extracted myself from the situation. My friend, who everyone knows is married, also got hit on by a guy. What gives? I know not all guys are like this, but it makes me feel dirty. I feel like, if I'm just nice and friendly to guys, they misinterpret this as me wanting to hook up with them. It's happened like 4x in the last month. Am I to blame?? Are you into men?
carhill Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 Am I to blame?? Generally, I would say you assume responsibility only as far as the signals you send out. If you were otherwise attracted to this guy, absent his prospective wife, whom I assume wasn't in attendance, then you might have been sending signals out. Many men, rightly or wrongly, until they're married (and some even after) think any woman is fair game if she sends out attraction signals. Examine what you exhibit as friendly behavior. Also, examine the level of intimacy you have with these men. The one you noted has shared his plans to marry someone with you. What else do you talk about? How long have you known him? Is there any unrequited attraction between you two. Lots of factors to consider. I had the good fortune of having a beautiful Asian lady (IIRC, you're Asian) for a best friend for many years. Sometimes she exhibited completely innocent flirtatious behaviors and was largely unaware of what she was doing (I asked), generally when she was down in the dumps about a BF, but I knew that it didn't have anything to do with me. I kept our physical contact supportive but not sexual. Another man, one who didn't know her the way I did, might have misinterpreted those signals as sexual come-ons, and acted on them. IIRC, you've been through some pretty stressful times of late in the romance department, yes? Perhaps that is affecting your aura. Hope it works out
LionLover Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 Pandy even if your just being yourself, friendly, exchanging funny banter, etc. - some guys will intrepret that as an "in". This guy is a shady brady & his behavior is inexcusable. Gross, yes! You are not responsbile for his behavior, however maybe keep your interactions to a minimum, especially ones that are taken. It's ok to converse & what not but not a good idea to be around them the whole night like that. The minute he got touchy touchy, you might want to have excused yourself & walked away or tell him politely to puck off.
Author pandagirl Posted August 28, 2008 Author Posted August 28, 2008 I think part of my problem is, I am very open and friendly with people who are attached, because I see it "safe" to talk to them and be friendly and I don't have to worry about sending them the wrong signals. They're taken. I'm more careful around single guys, because I don't want to give off the wrong impression.
LionLover Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 I think part of my problem is, I am very open and friendly with people who are attached, because I see it "safe" to talk to them and be friendly and I don't have to worry about sending them the wrong signals. They're taken. I'm more careful around single guys, because I don't want to give off the wrong impression. Well survey says that 9 times out of 10, that doesn't matter. IDK, what grosses me out is getting hit on by butchie lesbians.
rod_in_gtown Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 Yeah, guys will try to hit on anyone who might give them the time of the day if they're attracted to her. Take it as a compliment but don't act on it. (it doesn't sound like you would)
Kamille Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 I think part of my problem is, I am very open and friendly with people who are attached, because I see it "safe" to talk to them and be friendly and I don't have to worry about sending them the wrong signals. They're taken. I'm more careful around single guys, because I don't want to give off the wrong impression. TBH, my friends who complain about this type of behaviour are often unaware of the signals they give out. One of them does the whole lean-in and laughing, touch on the upper leg thing and *doesn't understand* why guys keep hitting on her even though she's told them she has a boyfriend. According to her, men should automatically read the sentence "I have a boyfriend" as "and therefore everything I do after this is nothing but friendly banter". She's often unaware that she's touching these guys in flirtatious ways and will say that they're the ones who started gropping at her (I've stood witness too often to believe her on that count). She does admit she loves flirting though. It still doesn't excuse taken guy's actions IMHO. If, however, you can admit to yourself that you are (and love) being flirtatious - then I think there are ways to handle those situations gracefully. Simply apologize for leading them to believe there was anything other then friendship going on between the two of you. And if you're the type, you might want to try and avoid doing the lean-in, laugh and touch the upper leg move. Every guy I speak too will definitely read it as a sign of interest.
Jersey Shortie Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 Regardless of how friendly and bubbly you are, if a guy is married and hitting on you, it's his fault. It doesn't matter what your signals are. He is completely responsible for being a slime ball. I think part of my problem is, I am very open and friendly with people who are attached, because I see it "safe" to talk to them and be friendly and I don't have to worry about sending them the wrong signals. They're taken. I'm more careful around single guys, because I don't want to give off the wrong impression. I'm like that too.
carhill Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 Last night, I went to a friend's bday party, where there was a guy I just got along with well. I knew he had a serious gf -- we even talked about him wanting to marry her -- and besides, I wasn't interested in him. But, we're both goofy, silly, weird people and ended up talking most of the night and laughing.It just occurred to me.....you had never met this guy before? If so, how do you know he really has a serious GF and intends to marry her, other than what he told you? I presumed, perhaps mistakenly, that you and he had history. I would like to understand better the dynamic of talking most of the night, perhaps to the exclusion of others, yet not having any interest in each other. Romantic or not, you did apparently connect with him and there was chemistry at some level. Such things just don't happen by coincidence. I can envision a guy, not being known to you, making himself "safe" by disclosing certain things (even if not true) so that you would be more comfortable being open with him. Perhaps you can fill in some of the blanks for me I remember, many years ago, something like that happening to a male friend of mine and I ended up having to get my own ride home from the wedding we both attended. He married the girl he 'talked all night' to
whichwayisup Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 I think part of my problem is, I am very open and friendly with people who are attached, because I see it "safe" to talk to them and be friendly and I don't have to worry about sending them the wrong signals. They're taken. I'm more careful around single guys, because I don't want to give off the wrong impression. Then maybe you need to put boundries out there and not be so flirty and open, friendly with those who are married or in a relationship. This way you don't give off the 'vibe', even if you think it's safe to flirt or whatever, it isn't. if I'm just nice and friendly to guys, they misinterpret this as me wanting to hook up with them Many men, taken or not, will STILL think a woman wants to bang him just because she's being nice, friendly and chatty. It's much easier to flirt and have fun with someone single than someone who is married..I mean, what if you were dating someone and saw some girl chatting it up with your boyfriend, being friendly and flirty?
Author pandagirl Posted August 29, 2008 Author Posted August 29, 2008 OK, one things I DO NOT do is touch. I'm just not a touchy feely person at all. Basically, my interaction with him was within a group setting the entire night. There was never a time when we were off by ourselves, having an intimate conversation -- I would be uncomfortable in that situation. I just talked to my best friend (also, a clinical psychologist), who knows me better than anyone else. I asked her: "Am I flirty??" And she said: "You are flirty, but you don't mean it in a sexual way. Moreso, you are just charming and you find men more amusing than women. You are also charming with women, but just more with men." Which is true, I have a guy's sense of humor, I'm a little weird, and I tend to get along with guys in that way better. As part of my profession, I interview celebrities and write about them, so I have very good conversational skills. Part of my job requires me to disarm people. People say I am "likable." So, what am I supposed to do... just not be likable?? haha.
whichwayisup Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 "You are flirty, but you don't mean it in a sexual way. Moreso, you are just charming and you find men more amusing than women. You are also charming with women, but just more with men." You may not mean it in a sexual way, but when you flirt with a MM, it only means ONE thing to them. And, since you find men more amusing then women, that also could mean that something in you needs that little bit of attention from a man, reguardless if he is married or not. I don't mean that in a bitchy way, just something for you to be aware of.
Author pandagirl Posted August 29, 2008 Author Posted August 29, 2008 Honestly, I just talk to whomever I find most interesting in any given occasion, be it a man or a woman. And I am not an attention seeker -- pretty much the opposite.
carhill Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 I am still interested why you talked with only one guy "most of the night" As someone who moves in high social circles as part of your profession, working the room should be second nature. Spending a lot of time with one person signals something to me. Just sayin'
Author pandagirl Posted August 29, 2008 Author Posted August 29, 2008 Ah, but this is the ironic part! I hate working the room! I'm by nature a pretty solitary person. I have to force myself to go out and talk to people. My friends actually worry about me sometimes because I spend so much time alone. I talked with not just him, also other friends, but he just happened to be sitting by me the entire time. Read: he was following me everywhere!
carhill Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 I think, for levity, you should go read Owl's MM's and dogs thread The "following me everywhere" got me to thinking....
almost famous Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 Most men really don't think twice about cheating. Sorry but that's the truth. Before you start yelling at me everyone, note that I said most.
whichwayisup Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 Anyway, by the end of the night, he started to get really touchy-feely with me. I was just sort of ignoring it and not goading it on. But, then he kept on following me around, sitting next to me, hugging me, and at one point, he kind of starting softly pinching my arm and whispered to me: "what are you thinking...?" EW!!! I just quickly distracted/extracted myself from the situation. How long did this take place? On and off throughout the night? How many times did he touch you and hug you? I ask this because you didn't tell him to go away and stop. What was your reaction when he touched you? DId you laugh it off and say to him in a serious tone, nice talking to ya (and then walk off) or did you say, Hey, maybe you should go hang out with your gf. Just seems, even if it was unintentional, the vibe you were giving off, sitting there, laughing away with him could have given him the wrong impression.
almost famous Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 Pandagirl, don't let these people say that you did anything wrong. HE is the one with the girlfriend so he is the one who acted on the wrong. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were hanging out with a friend.
Kamille Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 Pandagirl, don't let these people say that you did anything wrong. HE is the one with the girlfriend so he is the one who acted on the wrong. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were hanging out with a friend. I've been debating posting the same thing - but you say that something similar happened to you 4 times in the last month? Then you might benefit from changing the vibe you give out.
Author pandagirl Posted August 29, 2008 Author Posted August 29, 2008 I've been debating posting the same thing - but you say that something similar happened to you 4 times in the last month? Then you might benefit from changing the vibe you give out. Last night was the worst of the experiences. The rest were just nice guys who just mistook my friendliness (note: not overtly flirtatious) behavior as romantic interest. Just tonight, I talked to another good friend of mine about this. She said that she thinks I'm the opposite: that I'm actually off-putting towards guys. But, she meant that with guys that I am romantically interested, I am avoidant, but with guys that I don't like in that way, I am nice and friendly and feel comfortable enough to be myself.
Jersey Shortie Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 Most men really don't think twice about cheating. Sorry but that's the truth. Before you start yelling at me everyone, note that I said most. Then you are also saying that most men have no integrity or respect for their SO. Is that really how "most" men are?
Tomcat33 Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 Regardless of how friendly and bubbly you are, if a guy is married and hitting on you, it's his fault. It doesn't matter what your signals are. He is completely responsible for being a slime ball. totally agree!
Recommended Posts