beautiful_stranger Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 Hello there, My father has been having an affair with another woman for around two years. It causes great pain to our family. We have once been a happy family, but ever since he became more successful in his business, he appeared to think he's too good for most people. I despise that attitude as it ultimately shows deep insecurity about oneself. Anyway, both me and my mother have confronted him, talked to him about it, begged him, fought with him but nothing seemed to work. He seems to believe that it is OK to hurt his wife and destruct his family like that as now he is socially more powerful. The thing is both of my parents are in their fifties and my mother does not wish to have a divorce. If this is her decision, then I will support it. So my question is what role should I play to better this situation? To make my father care again? I have thought about ignoring him altogether so as to make him feel guilty about his own actions (but then it might worsen the situation), or act as though nothing had happened (but this may make him think it is okay to cheat)... Please tell me the best way to approach this??
Owl Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 I'll give you the unpopular recommendation... If you don't support his infidelity...if you don't condone cheating...then don't condone it. Tell him how you feel about him and his actions. If you choose not to have anything to do with him as a result of his affair...go for it. Its a result of his choice to cheat on your mother. No one says you have to accept his actions.
Ronni_W Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 So my question is what role should I play to better this situation? To make my father care again? I agree with Owl. As an adult, you have full power and right to choose the company you keep, so to speak. And you have the authority to exercise your rights in that regard. The thing is, also, that you do not, as the child, have responsibility or obligation to try to improve the situation. And you cannot "make" your father care or do anything else. Yes, you may have a deep desire, and the need to try, to take care of things and "make it beter", but you do not have control over it. It is out of your hands. Your father's (lack of) relationship with you will be the consequence of his own actions, as Owl said. And whatever you consciously choose for yourself, there would be no need to feel "bad" or guilty. Of course, though, you might feel sad, disappointed, angry, overwhelmed, etc. I am sorry that you and your mom are going through this.
stillafool Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 What a difficult position you are in. Do you know why your mom doesn't want to leave your dad? Does he want to stay in the marriage or leave? I don't know how old you are but I hate it when the kids are drug into the fight between their parents. How did you find out your dad was having an affair? I think the only thing you can do is tell your dad how disappointed you are in his actions but you still love him. His affair on your mother has nothing to do with how much he loves you, but it isn't easy to see your mom in pain. He is going to be your father for the rest of your life even if he isn't your mother's husband.
angie2443 Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 So sorry that you are going through this. I will say that it does seem that many men (I don't know about women) who gain positions of power or start earning larger incomes, often feel entitled to do what they please regardless if it hurts others. I've just seen this too many times. My father was a serial cheater untill my mother finally divorced him. The one thing I regreted when he died is that I never told him exactly how I felt about him. I did seperate myself from almost completely when I was around twenty. We talked on the holidays and that was it. There were many other reasons besides his infidelity that made this happen. Anyways, I never regreted it. I don't know how your relationship with your father is otherwise. You certainly may want him in your life and as long as you can be open with him about what your feelings are that is fine. I wish you luck whatever you do.
Mr. Lucky Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 . I will say that it does seem that many men (I don't know about women) who gain positions of power or start earning larger incomes, often feel entitled to do what they please regardless if it hurts others. I've just seen this too many times. I don't think there is a statistical correlation between income and incidence of something like the infidelity described by the OP. Cheating and affairs both seem to cross all gender and financial lines... Mr. Lucky
Author beautiful_stranger Posted August 29, 2008 Author Posted August 29, 2008 Yes but financial power could make some people feel that they are entitled to do many things that they wouldnt otherwise do. What I dont understand is that what makes him feel that he can hurt those closest to him so much, and destroying his family that he built over decades with his own hands? If you see it in an investment perspective, the losses would greatly outweigh the pleasure he gains. This seems utterly illogical to me. Guys out there who's had/have the same experience, could you please tell me what's the logic there?? what would make you look back?? And I am an adult. So i feel fortunate in a way that I didnt have to go through something like this while i was much younger and more vulnerable. On the other hand however, I feel that it is my responsibility to try to persuade him to do the right thing.. for his own sake... or is it best that I dont interfere??
2sunny Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 Yes but financial power could make some people feel that they are entitled to do many things that they wouldnt otherwise do. What I dont understand is that what makes him feel that he can hurt those closest to him so much, and destroying his family that he built over decades with his own hands? If you see it in an investment perspective, the losses would greatly outweigh the pleasure he gains. This seems utterly illogical to me. Guys out there who's had/have the same experience, could you please tell me what's the logic there?? what would make you look back?? And I am an adult. So i feel fortunate in a way that I didnt have to go through something like this while i was much younger and more vulnerable. On the other hand however, I feel that it is my responsibility to try to persuade him to do the right thing.. for his own sake... or is it best that I dont interfere?? i say interfere... mainly because he knows what he's doing isn't right - but also the fact that saying nothing when you are aware of what's happening sends a message to him that you are ok with it. if you're not ok with it - then say so. you can do this in a non confrontational way but at the same time make it clear that you do not approve and it will affect how you view and respect him.
HappyAtLast Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 but keep in mind that the advice will be coming from my perspective, my opinion and my particular situation, which may not match the situation of you and your father. I had an affair, many years ago with a beautiful woman who is now my wife. So - I chose to have an affair. I was well aware of the consequences and was willing to "pay" since I decided to "play". My children were already grown at the time. Being a successful man, I would hope that your father is more than aware of the consequences of his actions, yet he is choosing them anyway. That being the case, what can you really say to him other than that you are disappointed? As adults, we have free choice. This does not mean that everyone has to agree with them (or even associate with them) but it does mean that we are free to do as we wish, right or wrong. What is your father's intention, do you have any idea?
Author beautiful_stranger Posted August 30, 2008 Author Posted August 30, 2008 I dont know what his intention is and it is difficult to ask him that... and even if i did I doubt he would know himself. But if he's determined to pursue his own happiness be it a long term affair or short term pleasure, he's intention would simply be to do whatever he pleases.. And that's the sad truth about reality. People can and maybe should choose what makes them happy yet they are bound by AND responsible to those around them emotionally or otherwise. So where is the balance?
2sunny Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 I dont know what his intention is and it is difficult to ask him that... and even if i did I doubt he would know himself. But if he's determined to pursue his own happiness be it a long term affair or short term pleasure, he's intention would simply be to do whatever he pleases.. And that's the sad truth about reality. People can and maybe should choose what makes them happy yet they are bound by AND responsible to those around them emotionally or otherwise. So where is the balance? balance? balance would be him NOT CHEATING! being a father who is committed to his family, morals and values. but that's not the way things are panning out. are you going to talk with him or not?
Author beautiful_stranger Posted August 30, 2008 Author Posted August 30, 2008 I have already done that.. people are often too proud to admit they are wrong... or know that they are wrong
Ronni_W Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 yet they are bound by AND responsible to those around them emotionally or otherwise. So where is the balance? Chances are that your father's "balance" is likely going to be in a very different place than yours. And your mom's may be in a yet a third place. Sad and unfortunate as that may feel to you. Similar with your father's perception of what is his "responsibility" versus your perception of what is his responsibility, versus your mom's. At some point, we each get to choose our own points of "balance" and burdens of "responsibility". As adults, we are each MORE responsible for our own emotional well-being, and otherwise, than any other adult is responsible for us. It is also true that your mom is choosing this situation for herself. Whatever her reasons, she does not wish to get a divorce...even though she knows her consequences of not getting a divorce. That part of it is not on your father. Your mom is exercising the power she does have. She is making a conscious choice, too. I would suspect in ways that are supporting her (perceptions of her) own balance and responsibility -- that's often how it works. We do what we feel is best for us. You're right that your father may not have crystallized his intentions. But that's on him. You still can ask him about it. And as already suggested, you can also let him know your feelings about how he is acting.
HappyAtLast Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 So it is his intention to continue to have a wife and a mistress? And it is your mother's intention to allow him to have both? I am just trying to clearly understand the situation (well, as much as is actually "clear" in these types of situations )
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