Is this just a phase?

[kizik]

Hey LoveShack,

 

I haven't posted on here in a while because I felt like the site was hindering my progress. My deal is that my GF and I broke up 3-4 months ago, and I'd log onto LS each day looking for support. People were great, and then I realized I was rehashing the same sh*t each day.

 

I put everything into that girl, so much so that I spent the last year in a long-distance relationship with her instead of focusing on building and maintaining valuable friendships.

 

So here I am, a great guy, intelligent, a student and musician, with maybe one person I can call a good friend (who may or may not call me that). I've transfered colleges from a small, private university to a state school. Fall term starts in three weeks.

 

Has anyone else gone through these "friendless" phases? Do you ever feel like, sometimes it doesn't matter how "great" you are; that sometimes you just have months-long periods of loneliness?

 

Thanks for reading.

[nopainnogain]

Ha. Im going through that phase right now. It sucked at first but now im used to it and embrace it. A good oppurtunity to test my resolve. I have become more head strong and all that jazz.

[disgracian]

Well at least it's not affecting your self confidence.

 

Cheers,

D.

[kizik]

Well at least it's not affecting your self confidence.

 

Cheers,

D.

 

That's true; I'm definitely not arrogant, but I do like myself and can objectively see all I have to offer to people, and to the world. But sometimes knowing these things is not enough.

 

For example, I just turned my phone off for 4 days. Turned it on tonight - not a single missed message or call. Same with MySpace after a week.

 

I understand that people are busy, etc., but the fact is that aside from my mom, I'm not "important" to anyone.

[nopainnogain]

I hate when I open a thread or post a post and no one responds. But I realize I still gotta strap on my shoes stack that paper. Who ever is with me through the tough times I know are true friends . But I will remember all the ones that werent callin me , ill be the same dude to turn my back when Im ballin see.

[disgracian]

No offence mate, but you do come across as slightly full of yourself. Do you do this in front of the people you know as well, or are you just using it now as an affirmation of sorts?

 

Cheers,

D.

[kizik]

I'm not full of myself, I'm simply trying to be positive so I don't KILL myself.

[kizik]

By the way, that's quite helpful, telling someone who is reaching out and putting themselves out there, totally vulnerable, that they're full of themselves... starting to remember why I stopped hanging around this site a few weeks back.

 

Because a guy doesn't call himself a loser, he's full of himself. Thanks for the help

[carhill]

I don't think s/he was talking about you, K.

 

Since my phone only rings when someone wants something and my mom is in a mental institution, a silent phone, for me, is a blessing

 

Yes, it's a phase. When you're ready, you'll strap on your shoes, pick up the phone and take the initiative. It's a good feeling....

[Trialbyfire]

Not to worry too much about a member who appears to be a cross between George Michael and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, if his avvy is any indication!

 

Kizik, in three and a half weeks you'll get sick of people and need some away time. Just hang out on LS for the interim.

[disgracian]

You referred to your own greatness twice in one post. And all I said is that it comes across as arrogance (i.e., it merely appears that way), but I even gave you the benefit of the doubt and asked if it was just you trying to reaffirm your own worth, which is understandable.

 

Okay, you're trying to stay positive. That's fine. But you're wondering why nobody calls and if you do have a habit of big-noting yourself to everybody then there's a likely reason why. But we've ruled that out so we can move on.

 

Cheers,

D.

[kizik]

You strike me as the kind of person who loves making assumptions about others, and kicking them while they're down, all because you have a sh*tty self-esteem. Yeah, like all I do is talk about how great I am to people. Enjoy yourself on these boards, there are many people left to insult! Have fun!

[nopainnogain]

Yeah,I dont know if dgracian was talking about me or you kizik. Either way i agree. He is not helping lol

[Ronni_W]

Has anyone else gone through these "friendless" phases?

Kizik, yes, I've had those phases and for me it's almost a "friendless by choice" thing. Cos if you had given thought to it during that year of LDR, you likely would have realized that you were not nurturing your other relationships(?)

 

That is, maybe it wasn't a conscious choice but it was still a choice about where you wanted to place your focus and attention. (If that makes sense?)

 

So, to me, it doesn't have anything to do with our greatness or lack of greatness. It's kinda just where we are at any given stage of growth and development...I get to nurture myself without "hindrance" of external drama and stuff that ultimately won't support that specific period of self-reflection. "Me" is more present in the 'loneliness'...though personally, I don't experience it as loneliness, though. (Am I rambling or making sense? -- feels a bit like both .)

[kizik]

if you had given thought to it during that year of LDR, you likely would have realized that you were not nurturing your other relationships(?)

 

Quite true man, I really dropped the ball w/ my friends. Though, they were never that great anyway! I should have been making new ones.

 

It's kinda just where we are at any given stage of growth and development...I get to nurture myself without "hindrance" of external drama and stuff that ultimately won't support that specific period of self-reflection. "Me" is more present in the 'loneliness'...though personally, I don't experience it as loneliness, though.

 

Very true, and thanks for the insights! My question is, how do you not experience loneliness when day-in, day-out you spend by yourself, and each phone call is a shocking surprise?

 

Thanks Ronni, you're always such a kind, thoughtful person.

[Ronni_W]

My question is, how do you not experience loneliness when day-in, day-out you spend by yourself, and each phone call is a shocking surprise?

Kizik, thank you for your kind comment...very much appreciated. I also get a lot out of your posts

 

At the risk of freaking out other contributor(s) to this thread, I rejoice and rejuvenate in my own greatness and brilliance . So I am not so much surprised when others contact me...why wouldn't they want to? I have much to offer...well, at least, as much as anyone else has. And, of course, we are each great and brilliant -- some just prefer to hide from theirs...so then they have to judge us, for ours.

 

But. When I do feel that I want some company or contact with the 'outside world', I just follow that feeling and call someone, or make plans to visit, or whatever feels like it will satisfy my need.

 

Actually, maybe I just really don't know why I don't feel 'lonely'. Well, I do and I don't. I know I see it as choices that I'm making, to be in contact or respond to voicemails/emails, or whatever. [edit] More accurately, to NOT do that. [/edit] Maybe, intellectually, I just think I'd be daft to choose something that would leave me feeling "negative" (which, I'd say me feeling lonely would be a negative for me.) [edit] And I'm NOT daft, I meant to add. Well, not MOST of the time. [/edit]

 

Okay...so now I'm sure I'm making less sense than my prior post. But do feel free to ask something -- maybe it'll even help me with my own clarity, which feels kinda distant at the mo'

 

Great stuff, though -- I love a good brain-twister, 'specially when my Self is involved in the 'twisting'.

[kizik]

I rejoice and rejuvenate in my own greatness and brilliance .

 

No offense mate, but you sound full of yourself... Where is that helpful, Disgracer fellow when you need him? [He's aptly named, too.]

 

So I am not so much surprised when others contact me...why wouldn't they want to? I have much to offer...well, at least, as much as anyone else has.

 

That's well-said, I think I need to work on my self-esteem a bit. I too have lots to offer. Too bad when you say that, people call you conceited.

 

I think I understand what you're saying, and I admire the life you seem to have made for yourself. Perhaps once I can truly be content being alone in all endeavors, the added bonus of cool, kind people will be just that - a bonus, and not a necessity.

 

There are a lot of people in this world who rely on other people for their happiness, and I don't want to be one of them anymore.

[Ronni_W]

No offense mate, but you sound full of yourself...

THANK YOU!!! It is so good of you to notice . I have indeed worked hard to be able to accept and appreciate my own full worth, and not feel guilty or ashamed for it. So, your affirmation of my success is a symphony to my ears.

(Which, while being true, of course also just pisses them off even more, and they go looking for even more ways to disparage and abuse. Then they get MORE pissed off cos they can't get you feeling bad about yourself no matter WHAT they try. They are stuck in their own sad cycle of negativity, sure as today is a happy day for the rest of us.)

I think I need to work on my self-esteem a bit. I too have lots to offer. Too bad when you say that, people call you conceited.

See above...too bad FOR THEM, is the only real truth.

 

But yeah...you DO have a lot to offer. For me, part of accepting my own "good stuff" was precisely about letting go others judgments and criticisms, and perceptions of who (they thought) I was. And I did need to separate myself from all of that, as part of the process. Or, maybe I didn't NEED to so much as I thought I needed to, and it made it easier for me.

 

So, maybe that is what the "me time" is all about? To build up the Self (esteem, worth, etc.) by the Self's own hand (develop own new beliefs, attitudes, etc. about the Self) -- without the illusion that we need "others" in order to feel esteemed and worthwhile?

That is, when "others" are in the picture, maybe it is easier for us to fool ourselves into thinking that they are the ones actually creating our esteem and worth? And when we are "lonely", perhaps that is our time and opportunity to be creating/strengthening those things for and within ourselves?

 

I don't know if the goal is to be content being alone, or if that is just an outcome of the process of increasing self-esteem...??? Either way, though, yeah...YOU become the first and most important "cool, kind" person in your own life. Which you already ARE, btw -- so stop hiding from your brilliance, wouldja???

 

And, Kiz, seriously...also stop making me think in gibberish...honestly, it's people like you who keep me here in my safe cocoon where I can be "not daft" (most of the time) .

 

Have a super-terrific rest of day...and night!

[kizik]

For me, part of accepting my own "good stuff" was precisely about letting go others judgments and criticisms, and perceptions of who (they thought) I was.

 

Yes. It's been hard getting my ex-girlfriend out of my head. She used to belittle me in a lot of subtle and creative ways. She's a malcontent who projected her own self-loathing onto me. It's been quite the process rebuilding my self-image, and realizing, "You know what Josh? You're great just as you are. Screw what she thinks."

 

So, maybe that is what the "me time" is all about? To build up the Self (esteem, worth, etc.) by the Self's own hand (develop own new beliefs, attitudes, etc. about the Self) -- without the illusion that we need "others" in order to feel esteemed and worthwhile?... And when we are "lonely", perhaps that is our time and opportunity to be creating/strengthening those things for and within ourselves?

 

That's exactly how it should work, I think. I've had more alone time on my hands since May (hell, since last August, when Rachel moved) than I have known what to do with. It's been dark and painful, liberating and kind of cool... it's been quite a long road. And it seems to be coming to a close. I'm moving to a college downtown, interviewing for new jobs, working on my music, etc. And I couldn't have done these things if I was still with her unhappy a$s.

 

so stop hiding from your brilliance, wouldja???

 

That's a really interesting way to put it. You have given me many things to think about.

 

Have a super-terrific rest of day...and night!

 

You too, RW. Thanks a bunch!

[nopainnogain]

No offense mate, but you sound full of yourself... Where is that helpful, Disgracer fellow when you need him? [He's aptly named, too.]

 

.

 

lmao

[disgracian]

Ah well, don't let me stand in the way of celebrating your own awesomeness with the help of your fellow narcissists. I'm sure anyone who is put off by such behaviour is only jealous and projecting their own inferiorities.

 

Cheers,

D.

[kizik]

You make me laugh, man. You try to be such a hardas$, but in reality, you're like everyone else - you want company and love. Why else are you on this site? Let your guard down and stop trying to be The Man.

 

Narcissistic? That's hilarious. Anyone who has self-worth is narcissistic in your book. Your behavior is off-putting because it's f*cking RUDE. So, try being decent to people, and you'll get it back.

 

Happy Friday!

[Ronni_W]

Narcissistic? That's hilarious.

Aw...and I just got this idea (not sure WHERE it came from, though) to host a BIG narcissists' party...so does that mean you can't attend, Kiz? Cos only 'narcies' are gonna get invites. And I wuz even gonna make YOU the guest of honour . So...do I gotta change all my plans now, or what???

[kizik]

Aw...and I just got this idea (not sure WHERE it came from, though) to host a BIG narcissists' party...so does that mean you can't attend, Kiz? Cos only 'narcies' are gonna get invites. And I wuz even gonna make YOU the guest of honour . So...do I gotta change all my plans now, or what???

 

Ronni,

 

you must have gotten the idea for the party while you were gazing admiringly into a pond, while masturbating to your own reflection. Oh wait, I don't think that last thing is part of the myth... anyway, I will RSVP as soon as I get a break from chanting my own name and asking people in all my convos, "By the way, did you know how great I am?"

[nopainnogain]

It smells in here....

 

wait, It must be me cuz Im da $hit