Jersey Shortie Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 Yeah great advice.. Purposely bring a child into the world that will never have a father, because you are selfish and want one. If she can't find a man up to her standards now, how will she being a single mom? And Rod good post. Spare me. A man waiting until he is 40 to have children is selfish in it's own right. And the reason people in general have children is kind of selfish if you think about it..carrying on the good ole genes. You seme to want to limit women's options. And who wants to be married to a man that will always think younger is better anyway. You can't win and have a successful kind of relationship that grows in that kind of arrangment.
Lizzie60 Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 Spare me. A man waiting until he is 40 to have children is selfish in it's own right. And the reason people in general have children is kind of selfish if you think about it..carrying on the good ole genes. You seme to want to limit women's options. And who wants to be married to a man that will always think younger is better anyway. You can't win and have a successful kind of relationship that grows in that kind of arrangment. you're right.. It's always about selfishness.. why would you want to have a kid anyway... why put a child on this planet if it's not for our own little selfish needs..
vonerik012 Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 Spare me. A man waiting until he is 40 to have children is selfish in it's own right. And the reason people in general have children is kind of selfish if you think about it..carrying on the good ole genes. You seme to want to limit women's options. And who wants to be married to a man that will always think younger is better anyway. You can't win and have a successful kind of relationship that grows in that kind of arrangment. Common sense says if I marry a woman who is 5 years younger, she is ALWAYS the younger woman. Why is a man waiting until 40 to have kids selfish? It would be selfish if he tried to raise or bring a child into the world without a mother on purpose.
shadowplay Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 I had a conversation with an employee of mine today is who is 25.. Out of nowhere he said "There are lots of hot looking older woman around here" This reminded me of these threads and i said "Would you date one?" His reaction was "OMG no way" His girlfriend is 21. Shadow, so you feel men peak in their 20's. So when do women peak? 40? You are asking a young guy to.. 1. Limit the amount of children he can have to 1 or none. 2. Be with someone older, that will hit menopause in a few years, when he can be with a woman that much younger. Example? Well if she is 38, and he is 29, he can be with a 22 yr old. That is a 16 yr difference. Men think of this. Or he can just wait until he wants to settle down AT HIS LEISURE, and then marry a younger woman of 28-33. 3. So, Lets say a 38 yr old woman is single. She then has to meet the man, and have kids IMMEDIATELY. Not all men want to do this. Especially not a YOUNGER MAN. Men might want to date a woman for a year or 2 to get to know her, before tying the not. ESPECIALLY a younger man. At this point it is too late for that younger man to have kids, in most cases. No, both men and women peak in their twenties in my opinion. I could see kids potentially being a problem for a woman of 38+, but D may not even want kids and adoption is always an option if all else fails.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 Why does this always end up about kids? Not everyone wants kids. Maybe D does, maybe she doesn't, maybe she wants to tell us, maybe she wants to keep that to herself. What eer happened to meeting someone where the sparks just fly and you feel like you've met the greatest person ever for you? I know I want a best friend as well as a lover. Those are the marriages that seem to work the best.
Trialbyfire Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 Why does this always end up about kids? Not everyone wants kids. Maybe D does, maybe she doesn't, maybe she wants to tell us, maybe she wants to keep that to herself. What eer happened to meeting someone where the sparks just fly and you feel like you've met the greatest person ever for you? I know I want a best friend as well as a lover. Those are the marriages that seem to work the best. Exactly. I can't imagine selecting an SO for the purposes of fertility. If it happens, great, if it doesn't, it's not the end of the world. There are ways around having a low sperm count or shooting blanks.
StartingOver07 Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 So let's say a 45 year old man marries a 38 year old woman(which is realistic IMO). Is it your belief that the risk lies mostly in the man's sperm or the woman's ovum? It's not a matter of belief. Holding constant for lifestyle choices -- drinking, smoking, eating habits, etc. -- the egg has a greater impact on the quality of the pregnancy than the sperm. Yes, men's sperm degrade as they age but they nonetheless make a "fresh batch" each time. Women are given all the eggs they will ever have when they are in utero themselves, which is why the woman's age has such a bigger impact on fertility. When women are artificially implanted with donor eggs, the uterus is capable of sustaining a pregnancy well into the 50's and sometimes 60's.
Trialbyfire Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 It's not a matter of belief. Holding constant for lifestyle choices -- drinking, smoking, eating habits, etc. -- the egg has a greater impact on the quality of the pregnancy than the sperm. Yes, men's sperm degrade as they age but they nonetheless make a "fresh batch" each time. Women are given all the eggs they will ever have when they are in utero themselves, which is why the woman's age has such a bigger impact on fertility. When women are artificially implanted with donor eggs, the uterus is capable of sustaining a pregnancy well into the 50's and sometimes 60's. When men age, regardless of fresh batch or not, their bodies produce less sperm, there's DNA degeneration per batch, their movements drop from the Australian crawl to the dog paddle, and each fresh batch might not mature enough to be fertile. In the past, the focus has always been placed on women for infertility. They've done more and more studies on male infertility and it's now believed that they both equal 1/3 of the reasons for a lack of conception.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 When women are artificially implanted with donor eggs, the uterus is capable of sustaining a pregnancy well into the 50's and sometimes 60's. Yuck. I think I'd rather adopt a baby from China than have a baby in my 50's!
StartingOver07 Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 When men age, regardless of fresh batch or not, their bodies produce less sperm, there's DNA degeneration per batch, their movements drop from the Australian crawl to the dog paddle, and each fresh batch might not mature enough to be fertile. In the past, the focus has always been placed on women for infertility. They've done more and more studies on male infertility and it's now believed that they both equal 1/3 of the reasons for a lack of conception. Yes, sperm quality declines with age, but typically not as fast as egg quality and at a later age. Further, this decline is more likely to be associated with lack of conception that with conception that leads to birth defects. I am not suggesting that women should settle nor that they should rush to have babies they are not ready for. BUT... if a woman wants a child (IF!!!), then it is not smart for her to stick her head in the sand and ignore the very real evidence that pregnancy after age 40 is difficult and more likely to result in health problems for mom, baby or both. http://www.umm.edu/patiented/articles/what_causes_of_male_infertility_000067_4.htm
Ariadne Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 The guy they had in mind for me was a lecherous 55 year old man with a comb over and one of those beer bellies hanging over his high waisted pants with the skinny legs. The best part? A moustache..."D- he's rich, you'd never have to work another day in your life... I would have given him a chance. Doesn't sound so bad.
Lizzie60 Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 Bottom line.. don't have kids when you get too old.. the quality diminishes with age.. both men and women...
StartingOver07 Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 Yuck. I think I'd rather adopt a baby from China than have a baby in my 50's! LOL - I wasn't advocating for this, just pointing out that it's the eggs that are the problem, not the uterus.
Lizzie60 Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 plus you don't want to be a first time granny at 75
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 LOL - I wasn't advocating for this, just pointing out that it's the eggs that are the problem, not the uterus. I know, I just thought it was funny
pandagirl Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 As a product of older parents, there was never an issue with my parents being too old to do anything. My mom was 39 when she had me, and my dad was 41. They are still alive and kicking and leading very active lives!
Jaytb Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 I have to wonder, what exactly is "settling" to most people? I see what people are saying "settling" for someone they're not attracted to or compatible with, certainly that's a bad idea. But I think there's always a certain level of compromise with dating. I mean, no one is perfect, but it seems like some people actually demand perfection. It seems to me there's two types of "settling". One is compromising on the things that matter in a relationship. Things like fidelity, respect, caring, etc. And the other is compromising on the things that don't really matter. Things like height, income, attractiveness, etc. The former is inadvisable, the latter, well, maybe it's less exciting, but probably will be better for a relationship anyway. I think building a relationship on what's on the inside is more important, because looks never tell you anything about what's inside. Also, getting back to the OP, what was wrong with an intelligent guy with no sense of humor? could it be that that person had a different idea of humor than you? I don't know, why can't people just find someone that makes them happy and not have so many qualifications? It takes a long time to really know someone, how do you know if someone is right for you from just their first impressions?
almost famous Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 You can try to make a person have sexual chemistry with you all you want, but it doesn't work that way. Of course not. I'm an example of that, and I'm not just being an arrogant ass. Actually, I'm quite the opposite of that. I strive to make sure I have all of these qualities, and I spent most of my relationship with my ex improving on these qualities because I know its what most women are usually looking for, and what I figured would make my ex happy. But the moment I slipped on any of these things, she began to be unhappy with me. You can only try and be as perfect for so long before you get tired of it. Its a hard balance if it doesn't already come naturally. And the only way you're going to get all of these things is when you see the potential for all of these said qualities in a guy beforehand, and if you're willing to except that he will NOT always do things the smart way, be funny, compassionate, or adventurous. There will definitely be days when he does stupid things, has no sense of humor, cares only for himself and acts mean, and wants to sit down on his ass and watch tv. It's hard for someone to continue to carry out all of these ideals. There's hidden potential in everyone.
almost famous Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 Stats no, Common sense yes. If you are a 40 yr old guy who wants a family, you need a younger woman. Rachel Hunter, who is 38 years old, and engaged to the NHL player, aged 26, disagrees with you. Her fiance disagrees with you also. So does the woman at my workplace who had a baby in March at age 39 with her husband, aged 35....and on and on and on and on. Marsha Cross got married and had twins at age 42. So...ummm...hmmm....
orangehose Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 It seems to me there's two types of "settling". One is compromising on the things that matter in a relationship. Things like fidelity, respect, caring, etc. And the other is compromising on the things that don't really matter. Things like height, income, attractiveness, etc. The former is inadvisable, the latter, well, maybe it's less exciting, but probably will be better for a relationship anyway. Yes, exactly. Don't settle on what matters most - CHARACTER.
orangehose Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 Common sense says if I marry a woman who is 5 years younger, she is ALWAYS the younger woman. Why is a man waiting until 40 to have kids selfish? It would be selfish if he tried to raise or bring a child into the world without a mother on purpose. It's not any more "selfish" to bring a kid into this world as a single person than as a couple, as long as you have the emotional and financial resources to take good care of that child. Sure, you can talk all you want about two parents being 'ideal' for a child's upbringing (maybe three or four parents would be even better? ), but the fact of the matter is, tons of people bring children into this world under all sorts of non-ideal conditions - poverty being one of the common ones. And as long as you're not getting on the case of these other people raising kids under less than ideal conditions, you can't get on the case of a single person choosing to have kids on their own either.
orangehose Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 I know a woman who was very average looking, did not work out, was 42,smoked and drank, but had very desirable successful men always wanting to marry her. She understood the male/female dynamic, and she treated them man she was with like a king. She was married twice, her second husband unfortunately died at the age of 40, and he was in upper level management at a fortune 500 company. "I will not settle" would not even be in her vocabulary. She never cared about money at all but that is what gravitated towards her, and she cooked 3 times a day. Let the man be a man. Did not nag or complain. She was fun and laid back. Yes, her career took a back seat when it was time. She was happy and positive. You could count on her. She was straightforward. She loved men for how they were different, did not despise them for it and try to change them. Vonerik, if a woman could be GUARANTEED to have a faithful, fulfilling, relationship with a man for life, then perhaps she could be advised to make major career compromises for the relationship that she'd otherwise not want to make, and instead cook and clean 3 times a day. . But as you've said many times, men are visual creatures who crave youthful beauty. I don't want to risk sacrificing my career for some man, only to have him cheat on me or run off with the 22 year-old secretary 30 years down the line. Then I'd be really kicking myself for giving up my own goals and dreams. Sorry if that sounded argumentative. I am just trying to reconcile your implication that women should settle down, take good care of a man and let their careers take a back seat, to your comments on other threads on men craving youthful beauty. I know I'm not going to make compromises on my career, because one day I'll be an old hag and my future husband might run off with some young thing!!
Author D-Lish Posted August 29, 2008 Author Posted August 29, 2008 Also, getting back to the OP, what was wrong with an intelligent guy with no sense of humor? could it be that that person had a different idea of humor than you? Yes, that's happened in the past- where I've met someone and our idea of humour doesn't click. That makes it hard to "connect" - and it's nobody's fault or anything. It does nothing to enhance chemistry when two people approach humour in different ways. I love to laugh and make others laugh- so of course I would like to meet someone on the same wave length in terms of humour. I see once again the thread has diminished to questioning the limitations and datability of older women.... That's getting rather tiresome. I'm not going to defend my age as a limitation that means I have to settle for something less than a great relationship. I'm not concerned about age- I'm looking for substance and compatibility. I am also not looking for a "perfect man"... I am fine with imperfect. I prefer it. It just bothers me that all my friends in relationships, getting engaged, married, having babies...seem to think the best advice to give me is to "settle" for second best. Why wouldn't they give that advice? Many of them are living it. I can tell you- many of my married friends are unhappy, or they are staying together because of the kids- some are having affairs, or marrying for financial stability.... I see that- and I just don't want that. One of my close friends is getting married next year to a guy she hasn't had sex with in 3 months. They live together- co-exist as friends... she's 28 and he's 33.... She's miserable without the sex aspect of their relationship- but she's going to marry him anyway because she likes the financial stability and the companionship aspect of it (they are both sucessful). I'm on the phone with her 3 times a week listening to her cry about how her fiance doesn't want to have sex with her, how it makes her feel unattractive and unwanted. BUT- she's going to settle and marry him. I see it all around me- and I just don't want that for myself.
Shygirl15 Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 Sorry if that sounded argumentative. I am just trying to reconcile your implication that women should settle down, take good care of a man and let their careers take a back seat Actually, that's exactly what happens outside America. In most cultured countries, women are expected to (not necessarily let careers take a back seat, but) take a lead role in maintaining a healthy family, which includes taking good care of her man as well. You can maintain you career but you will be expected to fulfill your duties as a woman/wife as well. Vonerik expresses his ideas based on what he was raised to believe, where he grew up from.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 Your friends are telling you to settle because they are trying to justify their own poor choices to themselves. They know that they settled, and now there is no turning back. To see you out there, having fun and meeting people, is hard for them. They want others to choose similar paths as their own, otherwise, it makes them question their decisions. Hope that makes a bit of sense. Your last post made this a little clearer for me.
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