You HAVE to SETTLE!!

[rod_in_gtown]

Is is unrealistic to think that there is a guy out there who is smart, funny, compassionate, adventurous- that I can also have a sexual chemistry with??

 

No it's not, unfortunately at the time, I think I'm already spoken for. But thanks for playing!

[Woggle]

Woggle, exactly..

 

Or they make the mistake of feeling they encompass what men SHOULD want, but do not want. Or they feel since they have the traits they want in a mate, thats what men want as well.

 

I know a woman who was very average looking, did not work out, was 42,smoked and drank, but had very desirable successful men always wanting to marry her. She understood the male/female dynamic, and she treated them man she was with like a king. She was married twice, her second husband unfortunately died at the age of 40, and he was in upper level management at a fortune 500 company.

 

"I will not settle" would not even be in her vocabulary. She never cared about money at all but that is what gravitated towards her, and she cooked 3 times a day. Let the man be a man. Did not nag or complain. She was fun and laid back. Yes, her career took a back seat when it was time. She was happy and positive. You could count on her. She was straightforward. She loved men for how they were different, did not despise them for it and try to change them.

 

Many women would call her a doormat but what do they know.

[Trialbyfire]

Gotta' love the gender based comments about nagging. I suggest the men who feel that nagging is a female trait, stop nagging the women on LS about what their role in life should be and how bad women are.

[vonerik012]

Exactly.. But she is happy and free. She is from Germany, so she was raised differently. Many women have very little to give of themselves, and are consumed with thinking about what they can take. They want to go out of their way to make sure they are "Not a doormat", or stuck doing anything traditionally female. They think this is what men want and need.

 

Watch TV. The media has completely succeeded at convincing American women about the "right types of guys", the ones they should look for. If you don´t fit, or if you just wanna be yourself and refuse to play the game, then you´re labeled as a loser.

 

What I realize (but I could very well be mistaken) is that North American corporative lifestyle is creating hordes of sexually unsatisfied men and women, maybe because very few people fit the role of "ideal female" or male; and as everyone is taught since childhood to accept only the best, people end up choosing to be alone rather than joining up with someone below their expectations.

[Jersey Shortie]

D-Lish, I resonate with pretty much everything you said in this. My friends aren't telling me I have to settle but sometimes I question if my ideals are too much. But I don't expect a guy to be perfect and I don't want him to be. I have also been attracted to many different types. I just want someone that wants to treat me special, that I have chemistry with and the same morals.

 

Why even date any of you women and waste the time? I am sure 99% of men are not perfect enough for you. Thats why many women are viewed solely as sexual objects more and more.

 

Okay well then men are viewed for their income 99% of the time because most men are never happy with what they have and are always looking at other women, porn, younger women etc etc etc..that's why many men are viewed solely as financial objects more and more.

 

 

 

So you end up dating a married NHL player, lol.. Funny how he was the only one that possessed all the qualities you are looking for, yet you did not even realize he was married. What did you really care about in that case? His honesty, integrity, giving, kindness? Or just the fact that he was a pro athlete and you overlooked everything else in a heart beat.

 

So you are saying that if an older woman of 40 who was honest, had integrity, was giving and kind; that a man of your years would look that all over because of her excellent qualitlies? Yeah right! How you can sit there and lecture on what men women should pick is beyond me. We all want someone who is honest, giving and kind but being "nice" isn't enough. There are always other factors that will play into the equation.

 

I also find your opinion hypocritcal. You sat here thread after thread making it a point to point out that men want someone young and beautiful and there was nothing wrong with that yet you condemn women for wanting someone finacially well off.

 

 

Just make sure that you can offer everything that you demand and that your vision of a perfect man actually exists. Many of these women with impossible demands have so little to offer themselves.

 

No relationship matches tit for tat. People bring different things to the table.

 

 

Watch TV. The media has completely succeeded at convincing American women about the "right types of guys", the ones they should look for. If you don´t fit, or if you just wanna be yourself and refuse to play the game, then you´re labeled as a loser.

 

ANd you don't think the media has done this with men to an extent as well? Giving them a false sense of what a real woman is about instead of 20 year old playmates and baywatch babes that men put on pedestals of worthiness. ANd if a woman doesn't fit into the ideals she isn't desirable. Or do you just not care the kind of issues women face as well?

[Balthazar]

NOTE

Let me make it clear that by settling, I am assuming that you wish not only to find a partner, but start a family with kids and all.

If that is not the case, the post is irrelevant;

 

I can relate with DLish and all people who don't want to settle.

 

I don't wish to settle myself.

My desire is for a woman who is beautiful,average to tall height,large bosom, chestnut brown or honey colored hair, clear complexion, shapely legs, funny, independent,a good cook, motherly, feminine, a real hard worker in bed, financially well-off, listens to rock music, aged 22-28(preferably), has a great smile, doesn't nag, doesn't try to change me, doesn't complain when I go out with the guys, wants 2 to 4 children.

 

I'm sure I forgot some stuff...

 

If any LS women are interested and fit the above criteria, please PM me.

 

On a more serious note, you need to ask yourself what you want in life.

If I am not mistaken, you are 38.

If you want children, now is the time, not later.

Apart from fertility issues, I am sure you would rather be a mom than a grandmother to your kids.

 

And you are going to need a Husband too.

Again, this poses problems because I seem to remember that you prefer younger men.

Although you are,without a doubt, an attractive woman, I think you will find it difficult to find a guy(in his late 20's-early 30's) who wants to marry and have children with you.

Why?

These guys have a lot of options.

 

A man in his 40's is probably a safer bet; but you don't find these men attractive.

 

So, you are at an impasse D.

 

 

Can you find the handsome, younger, intelligent guy who will want to start a family with you?

 

Yes, but it will not be easy and may take time.

You need to ask yourself.

Is time on your side?

 

And that is why sometimes people have to settle.... time waits for none of us.

 

CHeers,

[Bells]

I don't wish to settle myself.

My desire is for a woman who is beautiful,average to tall height,large bosom, chestnut brown or honey colored hair, clear complexion, shapely legs, funny, independent,a good cook, motherly, feminine, a real hard worker in bed, financially well-off, listens to rock music, aged 22-28(preferably), has a great smile, doesn't nag, doesn't try to change me, doesn't complain when I go out with the guys, wants 2 to 4 children.

Okay, could you do without....let's say....she prefers alternative music (not rock) and has B-cup boobs?

 

If you CAN do without, you're not settling.

 

If you CANNOT do without, then you're being unrealistic.

 

What you want and what you get are 2 diff things.

 

As for as what you said about D-Lish....yes..she's indeed at an Impasse. She better start "Settling" pretty soon, lol.

 

Only dating men younger than you? Come on...be realistic. You're 38 and want kids....at what point does a woman run out of eggs?

[Jersey Shortie]

Again, this poses problems because I seem to remember that you prefer younger men.

Although you are,without a doubt, an attractive woman, I think you will find it difficult to find a guy(in his late 20's-early 30's) who wants to marry and have children with you.

Why?

These guys have a lot of options.

 

She clearly has alot of options herself.

 

Actually men in their late 20s and early 30s have no more or no less options then women within 10 years plus or minus. This isn't a zero sum game.

 

 

A man in his 40's is probably a safer bet; but you don't find these men attractive.

 

So, you are at an impasse D.

 

Oh god. See, they are all trying to get us to marry men in their 40s. Sweet Jesus. It's hysterical. Men in their 40s are a safer bet because they are pass their prime and are now desperate to settle down.

 

 

Can you find the handsome, younger, intelligent guy who will want to start a family with you?

 

Yes, but it will not be easy and may take time.

You need to ask yourself.

Is time on your side?

 

It's not easy no matter your age. If it was, none of us would be here. And there are many different age groups on this board. It's not easy for anyone. Age doesn't make things easier. It just gives you different pluses and minuses.

[stillafool]

Why do people tell you you have to settle for what you don't want. Why do people act like if you don't find a man your life is over. Don't ever settle! If you don't find the man you want it is better to remain single. Single is not so bad anyway. Married women die sooner than single women. Married men live longer than single men. So marriage is really only good for men. You'll live a long and healthy life with one!

[stillafool]

Why do people tell you you have to settle for what you don't want. Why do people act like if you don't find a man your life is over. Don't ever settle! If you don't find the man you want it is better to remain single. Single is not so bad anyway. Married women die sooner than single women. Married men live longer than single men. So marriage is really only good for men. You'll live a long and healthy life with one!

 

 

Sorry meant to say you'll live a long and healthy life without a man!

[ProudMumOf2]

I am so sick and tired of my gf's telling me that I'm setting the bar too high and that my best course of action for partnership is to settle for mediocre so I don't end up single forever.

Tell them to stop, problem solved

 

It's amazing that women in arranged marriages can be completely happy, and they had NO or little say in choosing a partner.

Many aren't happy!

Watch TV. The media has completely succeeded at convincing American women about the "right types of guys", the ones they should look for. If you don´t fit, or if you just wanna be yourself and refuse to play the game, then you´re labeled as a loser.

Vonerik, emigrate to an eastern country that arranges marriages. That would be your problem solved.

[pandagirl]

I think its weird that people have specific criteria. Of course, things like common interests are important, as are personality traits like honesty, sense of humor, etc. But boob size? Height? Income? That's weird to me.

 

After all, it's all about that happy feeling you get when you meet the right person. Your checklist can go out the window when you meet the right person.

[soserious1]

"The guy they had in mind for me was a lecherous 55 year old man with a comb over and one of those beer bellies hanging over his high waisted pants with the skinny legs"

 

I'm sorry but not wanting a date with somebody like this doesn't mean that a person has "unrealistic expectations".

 

Also, there's not a huge supply of guys in their 40's chomping at the bit to make babies, most guys in that age range have been married at least once and are currently groaning under the fiscal weight of child support obligations for their pre-existing children.Men in their 40's who've never married before generally don't even want kids to begin with.

[Walk]

Vonerik:

I know a woman who was very average looking, did not work out, was 42, smoked and drank, but had very desirable successful men always wanting to marry her.

 

But she is happy and free.

 

Depression:

Depression and Smoking

By Josepha Cheong, M.D., Michael Herkov, Ph.D. & Wayne Goodman, M.D.

..research has suggested that there may be something in cigarette smoke that has antidepressant properties, which explains why cigarette smoking is much more common among depressed patients.

 

Alcohol and Depression: Is There a Relationship?

Summarized by Isabel C. Murphy, BSN, PsyD

November 28, 2001 (Reviewed: November 7, 2003)

The implications of this study are important. It verifies that the relationship between depression and alcohol is quite strong, especially among women.

 

 

Vonerik:

"I will not settle" would not even be in her vocabulary. She never cared about money at all but that is what gravitated towards her, and she cooked 3 times a day. Let the man be a man. Did not nag or complain. She was fun and laid back. Yes, her career took a back seat when it was time. She was happy and positive. You could count on her. She was straightforward. She loved men for how they were different, did not despise them for it and try to change them.

 

Although you say she is a woman who is content and happy in her life, I'm afraid you don't have any proof to back that up. She drinks, she smokes, her first marriage ended in divorce. Your reasons for why she is sucessful in relationships is based solely on the financial sucess of the last man she married. You used a dead man's prosperity to prove this woman's happiness in the relationship.

 

Women Still Do Most Cooking and Shopping

January 2007 - A new study by researchers from Newcastle University's Human Nutrition Research Centre funded by the Wellcome Trust and published in the British Food Journal has found that three-quarters of women do most of the cooking and shopping for food in their households. The study of nearly 200 British men and women in their early 30s found that, although half of the women worked full time, they were still responsible for this aspect of family life.

 

Also...

 

British Women Happier With 'non-traditional' Domestic Arrangements

Article Date: 23 Jan 2006 - 3:00 PDT

Women in Britain are happier with 'non-traditional' domestic arrangements, according to new Economic and Social Research Council funded research at City University

 

Do you actually know this woman? Talked to her about her life and her happiness? How many times have you talked to her, and about what?

[rod_in_gtown]

But on a more serious note, you don't have to settle, just take the time to get to know someone you might not be so sure about, you'll find that 9 times out of 10 guys tend to put up a persona to defend themselves from being hurt, if you get past that, you might find that you're not settling but rather finding the glistening shine of the diamond past the carbon exterior.

[vonerik012]

Yes, I have known her for years. It is impossible that she is happy? lol I didn't say she is an alcoholic, but she is fun, and successful in her own right. You do not need a Puritanic lifestyle to be so.

 

 

Some others have brought up excellent points. The reality is that you should "settle" before it is too late. Sure dating young married hockey players is fun. But you have the wrong target market if you want a relationship and a family. Younger men? Good luck.

 

If you have come to terms with never having children, then do not settle.

 

As the feminist relationship "expert" in the video said "Some women meet their soul mates in their 70's"

[Jilly Bean]

I think you will find it difficult to find a guy(in his late 20's-early 30's) who wants to marry and have children with you.

Why?

These guys have a lot of options.

 

A man in his 40's is probably a safer bet; but you don't find these men attractive.

 

Sorry, B. You know I love you, but to say that someone as vibrant, gorgeous and intelligent as D doesn't have men in their 30's as options for a mate, is purely crazy.

 

However, I do think men in their late 30's or 40's who aren't exactly in pristine shape are pretty off the mark in thinking their going to get a women in her early 20's.

 

This still amazes me, this kind of thinking.

 

When I was 22, I wouldn't even LOOK at a man in his 30's or 40's unless it was to laugh at him. At 28, I STILL would never date someone that old. Why? Because I had options. And I preferred to be with someone more age appropriate and not someone closer in age to my Dad than me.

 

D - please DO NOT let the negative nellies dissaude or depress you. I think when people are content in their own lives (particularly romantically), they tend to have a more positive outlook on everything, including other people and their choices, and don't have this viewpoint.

 

As I said on page one - many, many people will have to settle in their lives in many areas. Pity they don't realize that - lol. But you will NEVER have to settle. You're too good for that...

[vonerik012]

Sorry, B. You know I love you, but to say that someone as vibrant, gorgeous and intelligent as D doesn't have men in their 30's as options for a mate, is purely crazy.

 

However, I do think men in their late 30's or 40's who aren't exactly in pristine shape are pretty off the mark in thinking their going to get a women in her early 20's.

 

This still amazes me, this kind of thinking.

 

When I was 22, I wouldn't even LOOK at a man in his 30's or 40's unless it was to laugh at him. At 28, I STILL would never date someone that old. Why? Because I had options. And I preferred to be with someone more age appropriate and not someone closer in age to my Dad than me.

 

D - please DO NOT let the negative nellies dissaude or depress you. I think when people are content in their own lives (particularly romantically), they tend to have a more positive outlook on everything, including other people and their choices, and don't have this viewpoint.

 

As I said on page one - many, many people will have to settle in their lives in many areas. Pity they don't realize that - lol. But you will NEVER have to settle. You're too good for that...

 

Why go to extremes and change what he is saying?

 

If you want a family, and you are a 38 yr old female, find a man in his 40's. She does not have forever to date younger men, IF she wants a family. That is the reality.

 

Nobody is saying men in their 40's must date 22 yr old women. A man in his early 40's with a woman in late 30's is perfectly normal. What we are saying is that a woman seeking a younger man while she is 38 is wasting precious time.

 

If she wants a family, what is your advice to her? Do not settle?

[A.G.Doren]

D-lish. I don't think you should settle. Settling is a terrible idea. However you may want to rethink your criteria

 

In my dating life I haven't gotten what I wanted or needed so thus far. So I've decided to make some changes. I haven't decided to settle I've simply decided to throw out my rulebook and my criteria and really any intellectual ideas on dating. Dating,romance and marriage(to an extent) are emotional things that the intellect or rules if you will cannot help you with. So I've decided to trust myself. To trust that the men that I am attracted to (not just physical attraction) are good and I only have one requirement:

I want a man who will let me love him freely and love me freely in return.

[vonerik012]

D-lish. I don't think you should settle. Settling is a terrible idea. However you may want to rethink your criteria

 

In my dating life I haven't gotten what I wanted or needed so thus far. So I've decided to make some changes. I haven't decided to settle I've simply decided to throw out my rulebook and my criteria and really any intellectual ideas on dating. Dating,romance and marriage(to an extent) are emotional things that the intellect or rules if you will cannot help you with. So I've decided to trust myself. To trust that the men that I am attracted to (not just physical attraction) are good and I only have one requirement:

I want a man who will let me love him freely and love me freely in return.

 

Well said..

[sunshinegirl]

I don't even understand the female theory of "settling".. Maybe men are more simple, but you meet a girl, like her, have feelings, then deal with other things when they arise, if they do.

 

Do women really have lists, and THEN try to match up feelings? To me, that would be settling on the most important part, the natural chemistry, and feelings.

 

If you are with a guy with similar goals, you have good sex, and he makes you laugh, where is the settling? I

 

Natural chemistry and feelings are important, no doubt. But in a vast sucking vacuum of having no other qualities on your requirements list... those feelings can get you into some positively craptastic relationships! I've fallen for many a guy who sucked as a human being.

 

So...lists, IMO, should consist of CHARACTER qualities you need, not the surface stuff. And you should never settle for missing character traits, else you'll be in for a miserable marriage.

[A.G.Doren]

Thanks vonerik012. My dad and mom were happily married for 31 years until my mom died of cancer in 2005. I've been talking to him about this alot recently.

[Balthazar]

I never thought my attitude was negative.

I actually think of it as positive and realistic.

 

D is attractive(I like her at least), but she is 38, not 33 or 28. Her biological clock is ticking(I am sure women are more aware of this than I am).

38 is not an old age, but it is no longer a young age.

That doesn't mean she doesn't have options;she has many.

Furthermore, I understand why D(and many women) would want the younger guys.

Heck, it is well known I want the young chicks.

 

My response to her was with the idea of "settling down" in mind.

 

Don't tell me I'm being negative, because I will readily accept 38 is not the best age for a guy to settle down either.

But guys are not the issue here, D is.

 

Anyway, 38 is a better age than 43; and 43 is better than 48.

Can you imagine a 43 year old single woman who wants to start a family?

How much more pressure will be on her than D?

Won't she have to "settle" for even less than she wanted?

 

You can't compare D to other women who date younger guys(Lizzie springs to mind).

 

Lizzie has had her children(I think); she has fulfilled her desire to be a mother. The pressure is off.

 

Concerning the issue of men, I am not sure about the States, but where I presently live there is no shortage of early to mid 40's men who have not married and want to start a family.

 

Are they attractive?

 

Most women find these men attractive(I don't think men peak until their early to mid 30's), and there are usually no problems when they seek to settle down with women in their 30's.

 

However, if D likes em young,well.... she likes em young.

Again, I don't know the situation in the states, but here it is difficult for late 30's women to find mid to late 20's guys for marriage.

You mustn't forget the huge influx of Eastern European women who are mostly 18-25 and marry with very few conditions in mind.

 

In conclusion, I am trying to give what I perceive as realistic advice, not start age arguments; so let's not start another 40 page thread on it.

 

Cheers,

[Balthazar]

She clearly has alot of options herself.

 

Actually men in their late 20s and early 30s have no more or no less options then women within 10 years plus or minus. This isn't a zero sum game.

 

 

 

 

Oh god. See, they are all trying to get us to marry men in their 40s. Sweet Jesus. It's hysterical. Men in their 40s are a safer bet because they are pass their prime and are now desperate to settle down.

 

 

 

 

It's not easy no matter your age. If it was, none of us would be here. And there are many different age groups on this board. It's not easy for anyone. Age doesn't make things easier. It just gives you different pluses and minuses.

 

1.Yes, I think I agreed that D has options. No, it isn't a game of sums but I don't think the average 38 year old has the same options the average 28 year old does, irrespective of gender.

 

2. You are yet again trying to pick a fight!

Do you really think a woman will go and marry somebody because someone on LS says so?

I would like to think the average LS poster has judgment and is able to weigh any advice given.

These are opinions, not rules!

 

3. Surely you agree that these issues become more difficult with age?

10 years ago, D would never have considered "settling".

Now she is.

Can you honestly say this has nothing to do with being older?

 

Cheers,

[2sunny]

Natural chemistry and feelings are important, no doubt. But in a vast sucking vacuum of having no other qualities on your requirements list... those feelings can get you into some positively craptastic relationships! I've fallen for many a guy who sucked as a human being.

 

So...lists, IMO, should consist of CHARACTER qualities you need, not the surface stuff. And you should never settle for missing character traits, else you'll be in for a miserable marriage.

 

i agree with this...

 

a list is a great guideline to keep priorities in check or to help recognize red flags... but it has to include character qualities, lifestyle, areas of interest and comfort levels you find important.

 

to settle is not good! in the mean time - just use men for sex and all will be well... ok, just joking!