D-Lish Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 I am so sick and tired of my gf's telling me that I'm setting the bar too high and that my best course of action for partnership is to settle for mediocre so I don't end up single forever. Lately- this is the kind of advice I have been getting from people and I find it extremeley insulting and demeaning. I am not looking for a super model with the IQ of a rocket science and the humour of Will Farrell. I am looking for someone that compliments my life, challenges my sense of right and wrong, makes me laugh- and accepts me for who I am. I want to be physically attracted to that person as well. I have met plenty of guys that possess some of those qualities. But not all at once. I have dated: Super hot young guys that are either dumb or mean (and arrogant) Really smart guys that have zero understanding of humour... Even super funny guys that make me laugh my ass off but the physical chemistry is lacking... Oh- and one gorgeous NHL'r who seemingly possessed all these qualities but turned out to be lying about being married. (a cheater- and yes I dumped him as soon as I found out). Is is unrealistic to think that there is a guy out there who is smart, funny, compassionate, adventurous- that I can also have a sexual chemistry with?? What I deem to be "hot" physically isn't necessarily what others might agree with. I like all kinds of guys- I often see one attractive thing that sets off a spark in me. Physical attractiveness is relative- we all have different preferences. I don't actually have a "type" with looks. I'm all over the map...but there has to be something physical there for me. My best friend is the one that gives me the hardest time about this- and she is dating a hot, hot Adonis type of guy with zero personality- he's not even that good to her. So it pisses me off when she tells me I have to lower my standards to find a good guy. This weekend my new neighbours, who are in their late 40's invited me over for a BBQ mid day. It turns out they had a set up in mind. The guy they had in mind for me was a lecherous 55 year old man with a comb over and one of those beer bellies hanging over his high waisted pants with the skinny legs. The best part? A moustache. My dad is only 62!! What were these people thinking? later on my neighbour said to me "D- he's rich, you'd never have to work another day in your life... and he's looking for a trophy wife to lavish attention on and take care of". I was embarrassed and humiliated. I love looking after myself- and i don't want to give up a real connection with someone for financial security. These people meant well- but I was pretty mortified. Honestly- I see so many of my friends trapped in bad marriages because they have kids- or I see them settling because they think some of these guys that treat them bad are the best they will be able to find in life. I don't want that for myself. I really would rather be alone than accept something less than what I am seeking in a partner. Believe me- being told you have to settle is UN-settling.
Jilly Bean Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 D - many people DO have to settle. You have never and WILL never be one of them, however.
Melrapuo Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 Is is unrealistic to think that there is a guy out there who is smart, funny, compassionate, adventurous- that I can also have a sexual chemistry with?? Of course not. I'm an example of that, and I'm not just being an arrogant ass. Actually, I'm quite the opposite of that. I strive to make sure I have all of these qualities, and I spent most of my relationship with my ex improving on these qualities because I know its what most women are usually looking for, and what I figured would make my ex happy. But the moment I slipped on any of these things, she began to be unhappy with me. You can only try and be as perfect for so long before you get tired of it. Its a hard balance if it doesn't already come naturally. And the only way you're going to get all of these things is when you see the potential for all of these said qualities in a guy beforehand, and if you're willing to except that he will NOT always do things the smart way, be funny, compassionate, or adventurous. There will definitely be days when he does stupid things, has no sense of humor, cares only for himself and acts mean, and wants to sit down on his ass and watch tv. It's hard for someone to continue to carry out all of these ideals. There's hidden potential in everyone.
vonerik012 Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 What kind of advice are you seeking? Of course you do not have to settle, you can stay single. Is having realistic requirements important? Yes. But to be honest, I never dated a woman and thought i was "settling". Everyone has positive and negative traits.
vonerik012 Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 I don't even understand the female theory of "settling".. Maybe men are more simple, but you meet a girl, like her, have feelings, then deal with other things when they arise, if they do. Do women really have lists, and THEN try to match up feelings? To me, that would be settling on the most important part, the natural chemistry, and feelings. If you are with a guy with similar goals, you have good sex, and he makes you laugh, where is the settling? I
Author D-Lish Posted August 28, 2008 Author Posted August 28, 2008 Of course not. I'm an example of that, and I'm not just being an arrogant ass. Actually, I'm quite the opposite of that. I strive to make sure I have all of these qualities, and I spent most of my relationship with my ex improving on these qualities because I know its what most women are usually looking for, and what I figured would make my ex happy. But the moment I slipped on any of these things, she began to be unhappy with me. You can only try and be as perfect for so long before you get tired of it. Its a hard balance if it doesn't already come naturally. And the only way you're going to get all of these things is when you see the potential for all of these said qualities in a guy beforehand, and if you're willing to except that he will NOT always do things the smart way, be funny, compassionate, or adventurous. There will definitely be days when he does stupid things, has no sense of humor, cares only for himself and acts mean, and wants to sit down on his ass and watch tv. It's hard for someone to continue to carry out all of these ideals. There's hidden potential in everyone. This may sound weird- but I enjoy people that are real people- faults and all. I like to get down to the core of what makes people tick- even if there is some eccentricity or imprefection involved. I also like space- and giving space- I think it's important. I don't want perfection- just compatibility. having faults and different interests are just a part of the compatbility that I am actually seeking. ;-) cheers
Author D-Lish Posted August 28, 2008 Author Posted August 28, 2008 I don't even understand the female theory of "settling".. Maybe men are more simple, but you meet a girl, like her, have feelings, then deal with other things when they arise, if they do. Do women really have lists, and THEN try to match up feelings? To me, that would be settling on the most important part, the natural chemistry, and feelings. If you are with a guy with similar goals, you have good sex, and he makes you laugh, where is the settling? I Well, I personally don't have the female theory of wanting to settle. And I truly would rather stay single for the duration of my life than settle. I don't have a list- I am actually pretty flexible and am attractive to a number of different thihngs in a person. The only thing on my list would be- treat me with respect and I'll do the same. But that doesn't mean that qualities like humour and intelligence aren't important to me. I love to laugh- and I like being with a man that enjoys that same penchant for humour. Okay- you said in the last part of your post- if you meet someone with similar goals who makes you laugh, and the sex is good- how is that settling? that's my point- it's not. It's what I am seeking. I just haven't found that yet. I'm not a list girl. That just limits possibilities, and it's sort of ridiculous. I'm not looking for advice about this- just venting really. Wondering why people have this mindset. My guy friends give the same settling advice to one another when they see a certain member of the group being single for too long.
EricO54 Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 Heh alot of women say this. They are looking for the "right" guy. What I've found is rarely does the "right" guy come along exactly to your specifications, like a food order or something. Sometimes you just have to grow with people. The important thing I think is finding someone whom you feel a "deep" connection with. Maybe the stars are'nt aligned perfectly and everything is perfect, but you know on some level theres a deep connection there.
CaliGuy Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 D, you don't have to settle at all. Don't let other people pressure you. You just be true to yourself and the RIGHT guy will come along. I guarantee it.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 I am looking for the same things you are looking for. I will not settle, what is the point? What really makes me angry is that people say that if you do not settle, then you will be alone FOREVER. Guess what guys? I like my own company. I will happily be single forever if I do not meet someone who makes me happy. I made up my mind that I will not be sad because I am single. My life is important whether I am with someone or not, and so is yours How sad would you be if you settled and then met the man who is perfect for you? Of course that will not happen, because you will not let it happen. Don't let 'em get you down, D!
pandagirl Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 A lot of people just don't want to be "alone," so they just get into relationships with people that aren't GREAT, but good enough. There's nothing wrong with that as long as everyone is happy. But, for people like you and me, D, we are looking for something GREAT. For myself, I am happy being single and have always been happy when I'm single. It takes something pretty special to capture my heart, but when it does, it's awesome. The rest of the time, I would rather just not bother and do my own thing and what's makes me happy.
paddington bear Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 A friend of mine rang me after seeing her therapist who had told her that she was too picky, that most women just find a man who treats them well and then take that man instead of waiting for this knight in shining armour type person. I was shocked that a therapist would advocate what seemed to me like settling. Settling is willfully having a relationship with someone that you know is not the right person for you, you may like them, have things in common with them but something's not right. My personal theory is that if you do this one day 'the one' will waltz into your life spark off all those passionate flames and you'll end up badly hurting the person you've 'settled' for. I have another friend who was dating this guy, she didn't find him attractive at all, but decided to give him a chance and continued on for a few dates with him, slowly but surely she realised he was a decent man, someone who genuinely cared for her and her feelings grew for him. On the outside it looked like she was settling whereas in fact her feelings towards him had merely changed drastically (they got married this year). I read somewhere that statistically most married women ended up marrying a man that they weren't that bothered about upon first meeting them, that it takes something like 3 dates to know for sure if you really don't like them, that a lot of times by date 3 women have begun to change their mind about the man they thought they didn't like. So maybe it's a balance between knowing for sure that you have zero interest in someone and having this perfect passionate immediate response to a man. I too have found that my friends idea of the men I should date are completely different to mine. And in fact, the people my friends are dating or are married to are the last people I would have thought would be right for them. I'm guessing the people around you want to see you happy with some nice guy and aren't thinking specifically about what kind of man you'd like, just that he's male and single and you never know, maybe they'd hit it off, so don't take it personally!
JennieS Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 Heh alot of women say this. They are looking for the "right" guy. What I've found is rarely does the "right" guy come along exactly to your specifications, like a food order or something. Sometimes you just have to grow with people. The important thing I think is finding someone whom you feel a "deep" connection with. Maybe the stars are'nt aligned perfectly and everything is perfect, but you know on some level theres a deep connection there. Yeah I see what your saying. Theres real truth to that though.
xpaperxcutx Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 No, you don't have to settle D. Sometimes friends can't help but nose their way into each others personal business thinking they can offer some help. All you can do is politely decline and thank them for caring.
OpenBook Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 As an outside observer of married couples, it seems to me that they have to compromise A LOT with each other and accept many undesirable habits, quirks, etc. in each other in order to peacefully cohabitate. If one partner decides NOT to accept the other as-is, the partnership turns into a miserable existence. Frankly I don't know how they do it. How do you decide what to accept in your partner, and what not to? Isn't constant negotiation required? Isn't that absolutely EXHAUSTING??? And is it really worth it in the end? IMO, anytime you hitch up with someone, you're "settling" no matter who they are.
stoopid_guy Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 DON'T SETTLE! Not only are you not going to be happy, but you're taking the other person's chance at finding someone who loves them the way they are away. You're messing up two people.
jerbear Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 Hey Delicious! Don't settle, especially after the example presented is not so pleasant. You have to do what you believe in and not worry about other people's thoughts.
Walk Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 I used to have a good friend who had the same criteria you have. (Its generic, a lot of people have those criteria.) He was 42 years old and still looking for that match that he'd be happy with. (as an aside, he was extremely physically attractive.) But it wasn't because his criteria was too high... it's because he never really let people in. He was so scared of being hurt, that he couldn't see the people in front of him as they really were. He'd pick apart perceived flaws: lapses in intelligence, jokes that were off, not quite physically attractive enough. No woman measured up to his criteria. The ones he did let in were the ones who were unavailable. The woman who said she was divorced, but wasn't. Another who was using him as revenge against her very recent ex. I never saw him go on a date even once with a woman who could've been a good match for him. Not once in 10 years of knowing this guy. The ones I heard about were the great looking unavailable women. Kind of reminds me of how the only guy you really talk about in this thread is the extremely hot NHL'er. How he's the one who possesd ALL the qualities you were looking for, but ironically was completely unavailable to you. Why is it that the one you felt you were most compatible with, is the one that wasn't available?
Trialbyfire Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 [rant]The ultimate goal in life isn't to be in a relationship. The ultimate goal is to be happy within yourself.[/end rant] Your g/fs are out-of-line, if they believe you should settle for someone who's "good enough". Look at all the marriages and relationships that get torn apart due to "good enough". If you're happy being single, then stay single. Having said that, refer to what Walk is saying. I think you know that this is part of the issue.
flc Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 Everyone has high expectations of what they want in a partner. Some of these expectations are non negotiable and some are lower priority. If all of your expectations are required then you may have a problem but if you are willing to trade off some negatives because the positives are so good I don't see that as settling. If you give in on your higher priority needs then that will just be a recipe for disaster later.
flc Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 Everyone has high expectations of what they want in a partner. Some of these expectations are non negotiable and some are lower priority. If all of your expectations are required then you may have a problem but if you are willing to trade off some negatives because the positives are so good I don't see that as settling. If you give in on your higher priority needs then that will just be a recipe for disaster later. Always understand that changing someone is almost never going to happen.
Bells Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 D- LISH Why it’s OK to settle for Mr. Good Enough Author Lori Gottlieb on the fading line between compromising and settling http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23053553/ Read it and learn....it'll make sense. It shows how most single women seem to set the bar too high, and have unrealistic expectations, and Lori Gottlieb has explained that alot of women are so critical of their mates...they will wind up little ol' ladies without being married. lol You make a great example of what Gottlieb is talking about. ALSO watch that video to the upper right....you'r enot one of them, are ya? LOL
vonerik012 Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 I have a completely different take. For millions who think they are being "strong and independent" they are just being led COMPLETELY by what the media says the perfect guy is. Brainwashed. Anything less than this perfect corporate image is "Settling" and "You go girl! You don't have to!" The reason you feel you might be "settling" is not a natural one, but because you feel you deserve a guy with a certain amount of money or certain career, certain height, certain look, that has 20 other qualities you feel you need. Media brainwashing. No, you might not find a rich man that has great traits, but you sure should be able to find a regular one that possesses some. The reason your therapist said you should settle, is because she is the only intelligent one who realizes the true value of male female companionship on your life, health, happiness. Semen is actually also a natural anti-depressant when absorbed through the vaginal walls. Just a little example of how perfectly men and women fit. To you women whom will not "settle" Some questions.. You will sleep alone every night? or just whore around? get diseases? Sex with condoms forever? Become a lesbo or just masturbate? You will do everything alone, or with "friends?" What happens when thery move on? Then cats? You think 1 income is better than 2? Don't want kids, or feel they do not need a father if you adopt one or get pregnant through AI? It's amazing that women in arranged marriages can be completely happy, and they had NO or little say in choosing a partner. But they were not brainwashed in a capitalistic society. Why even date any of you women and waste the time? I am sure 99% of men are not perfect enough for you. Thats why many women are viewed solely as sexual objects more and more. The reason so many marriages fail is not because women are "settling" but because they are looking for the wrong things. Many don't feel they are settling until Joe loses his job then money becomes an issue, when they realize they have nothing else in common. Money is the number one thing that breaks up marriages. If you think if you find a perfect man, who will then never ever change, you are kidding yourself. Giving, flexibility, and integrity are what people should seek. So you end up dating a married NHL player, lol.. Funny how he was the only one that possessed all the qualities you are looking for, yet you did not even realize he was married. What did you really care about in that case? His honesty, integrity, giving, kindness? Or just the fact that he was a pro athlete and you overlooked everything else in a heart beat.
Woggle Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 Just make sure that you can offer everything that you demand and that your vision of a perfect man actually exists. Many of these women with impossible demands have so little to offer themselves.
vonerik012 Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 Woggle, exactly.. Or they make the mistake of feeling they encompass what men SHOULD want, but do not want. Or they feel since they have the traits they want in a mate, thats what men want as well. I know a woman who was very average looking, did not work out, was 42,smoked and drank, but had very desirable successful men always wanting to marry her. She understood the male/female dynamic, and she treated them man she was with like a king. She was married twice, her second husband unfortunately died at the age of 40, and he was in upper level management at a fortune 500 company. "I will not settle" would not even be in her vocabulary. She never cared about money at all but that is what gravitated towards her, and she cooked 3 times a day. Let the man be a man. Did not nag or complain. She was fun and laid back. Yes, her career took a back seat when it was time. She was happy and positive. You could count on her. She was straightforward. She loved men for how they were different, did not despise them for it and try to change them.
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