progress

[jj33]

I just wanted to thank everyone for their support over the past few weeks. It has helped more than I can say. Its getting easier. I havent had to see him yet but now the communications dont phase me the way they did before. I just respond to the work content and shake my head at the rest because its meaningless.

 

I hadnt been able to do that in the past and its very freeing not to attach meaning to every little thing. The business relationship is not jeopardized and I get my distance because I created it within myself.

 

If he feels like he gets his fix being in contact with me, thats his business. That wouldnt be enough for someone who wanted to build a life with me and I am not interested in anything short of that.

 

What he says or does is not meaningful the way it once was. What matters is how I respond to it.

 

Thanks again.

[norajane]

If it feels freeing now, just wait until he's completely left your heart. You will have lost 200 pounds of deadweight. You will feel extremely free.

[Dark-N-Romantic]

Congrats JJ33 and continued strives to your recovery.

 

 

DNR

[jj33]

Thanks very much and DNR when I first read your post I thought DNR meant do not resusitate (the A)!

 

Also appropriate in this context...

[jj33]

I cant believe how easy he is making this. I did him a favor yesterday without having to speak to him I might add. He promised to tell me how it went. I have heard 0. Not even an email with those two little words "thank you".

 

Well bless his cotton socks! I love that saying its so much nicer than saying what a [insert your own insult]. If he cant even do that.... what in the world was i hanging on for. He just keeps confirming that he isnt worth all the anguish I went through. Phew just had to share that. I noticed I was smiling today. I havent smiled this much in months.

[Ronni_W]

What he says or does is not meaningful

JJ, that is SUCH an excellent feeling, isn't it? Go you!!!

 

I missed your reply in the other thread, where you said that "getting sucked back into all the emotions" was the thing you feared most. Well, so much for that worry, huh? -- looks like it ain't gonna be any prob for you, after all .

 

Wishing you continued calm waters and smooth sailing,

Ronni

[astra77]

jj

 

i am so glad you have had this break through !!

 

Stay strong huny, and keep your focus, well done

[jj33]

Thanks two you have been so supportive and I really appreciate it. Am finally starting to feel like me again.

 

And even better he isnt as inconsiderate as I thought. He was called away and had to hop on an overseas flight yesterday evening. He just called me. Yes an email would have sufficed but better this than ugliness. And I didnt crack... am so relieved.

 

Had lunch today with friend who knows them as a couple. ... she described their interactinos at home together as being so frosty I dont know how he manages it. She calls W the the Queen of Narnia among other things... No wonder he stays in touch. Talking to me must be like a moment in the sun. I hate to think of him being unhappy. But to each his own... thats his choice so it must be working for him on some level.

[Ronni_W]

Talking to me must be like a moment in the sun. I hate to think of him being unhappy.

Do NOT even THINK about going there!!! Do NOT care whether he is unhappy or joyous; or has sun and rainbows or only clouds and darkness.

JJ, I am promising you not to go there...not even for a second. Our minds can be quick and tricky. (It can end up like a recovering alcoholic getting a drop of alcohol ~~ we can just never be sure where that alcoholic is gonna end up.)

 

So...just YOUR sun and rainbows; YOUR happiness and smiles...that's all you get to focus on...sound good and fair enough?

[jj33]

Thanks Ronni. You are right. It is a slippery slope. I want to stay at the top of the hill.

[astra77]

Ronni is right jj, its a highly addictive situation, given the fact that you have not given into the situation as of yet, you have done well, BUT you (and me) have to keep your radar turned on. Mine is on full steam ahead coz i dont want to go back to the darkness i have ONLY JUST gotten out of.

 

one step at a time huny, slow and steady, dont forget that, and dont expect too much all at once - im guilty of that sometimes and try to rush things, so i am having a ME day today, doing what I want to do.

[Agent_99]

jj~

 

I'm glad that you are finding some balance now! His home life is his problem and his choice. It doesn't matter that even these small contacts do whatever they do for him.

 

You are still overthinking it though? Half question half statement. Your here posting about his lack of, then reasons for lack of curtesy for a proffesional favor. Your still having conversations about him with friends.

I'm just pointing this out cause it's easy to slip when you are feeling good.

 

Astra has some good thoughts. slow and steady

 

~99

[jj33]

Thanks 99. Its not a total NC and and I wouldnt want it to be. Our professional lives are entwined and I am not willing to throw the baby away with the bath water.

 

Its a slow process. But the fact is we have been in touch every day this week and I am not responding the way I used to. I do want him to be courteous to me. Its makes the contact easier. He is very courteous in general and being less than that with me now would have been a sort of acting out.

 

We have been out of the PA for a year and trying to get to this stage for about 6 months. So its not as fresh as it was. There is no chance for backsliding into the A we did that already. Neither of us wants an A at this point. It wasnt enough for either of us and he wasnt at a point where he wanted to take the steps necessary to allow it to be more. So that is not going to happen. We just want to get the balance right so that we can be comfortable and salvage the positive parts of our relationship.

 

I know some people say it isnt possible to be friends but over time I think it is possible. We are at the stage now where we are friendly and polite with distance. Its been a long process but it will be worth it in the end.

[Agent_99]

I agree with what you said about friends after a time. I'm friends with other ex's, what makes this one so special? And yes it took time to be able to do so.

 

I was just concerned. I'm glad that you are reaching the place where you want to be with him.

 

MW and I have been talking about almost the same thing, wanting to salvage the positive parts of our relationship ~ the friendship, and not the EA. Since we can't have more that is the most important part to both of us.

 

~99

[Ronni_W]

We just want to get the balance right so that we can ... We are at the stage now where we are

JJ, you are doing really great! No doubt about it.

But. (You saw that coming, right? ) But...at the risk of sounding a bit too much like your mom, could I encourage you to start practicing thinking in terms of 'I' and not 'we'? It's as much about brain reprogramming as anything else.

 

You two happen to have the same goals, but they are individual not mutual ones, if that makes sense? -- Even if he did NOT share your goals for balance and a courteous, professional relationship, you would still want that for yourself, is what I've interpreted from your posts.

I totally get that, right now, you're still working hard on the first part of the program...and being really successful with that! So it's more of a 'look out for this other potential problem that may be lurking in the deep recesses of your mind.'

 

I also agree with you and 99 that we can create any type of relationship we desire, when both parties want it. So, definitely you two have a good chance of being able to inspire, support and encourage each other in the future, in ways that work for both of you. Why not?

 

FYI - My own mind has been playing tricks on me these last 24 hours. Not sure if it is related to your story, or WTF is going on. I've been indulging it (my tricky mind) a bit, but also staying quite aware of that slippery slope

[wildsoul]

But...at the risk of sounding a bit too much like your mom, could I encourage you to start practicing thinking in terms of 'I' and not 'we'? It's as much about brain reprogramming as anything else.

Great call, Ronni W!

You have added a lot of value to the threads here with your sharp insights and always gracious demeanor.

[jj33]

Thanks. I appreciate everyone's concern. It is a slippery slope. Ronni hang in there. Its all just an illusion... I am smiling at the I and we... its true. We are united in our desire to have a good relationship but I know he and I are not a we.

 

He now refers to his W with great frequency. They are a we. He and I are not a we. They inhabit a different planet than I do. He and I just happen to work on the same planet. Suddenly Mr. I am just like you is appreciating his rareified existence... Bless his cotton socks.... how good of him to make this all so much easier.

[Ronni_W]

Wild, I very much appreciate your comment...rest assured you have added to the overall happiness of my day . Thanks for taking the time to post.

 

JJ, yes thanks...I'm definitely hanging in. Or maybe hanging ON, is more accurate. But no worries, won't allow it to drag me along for very long.

Yeah...bringing in the wife will probably help to stabilize, keep things in proper perspective, and all that other "good" stuff that is needed.

 

Have a happy weekend, one and all.

[jj33]

They live a very different life than I do. He never used to mention it or would minimize it when it came up. Now suddenly he talks alot more it which while its not strictly business is actually good. That is his life and I am just a colleague and so it goes... Its much more normal.

 

Ronni I hope your weekend banishes the errant thoughts.

[crystal_lostheart]

Just wanted to wish you all the best JJ.

 

It is so positive to hear there are others out there who find the strength to regain their own identity - a hard task after being in such a heartbreaking place.

 

Take Care

[jj33]

Thanks Crystal. I really appreciate that.