how to proceed if he contacts me?

[gd26]

Hi all,

 

I really need a perspective and some feedback.

 

Some months ago, I met a wonderful man online (though we are in different states). We connected instantly, and started talking everyday from the day we started communication. Within the first 2 weeks, I KNEW that he was the one for me... I've never felt like this before for anyone. I think he must have felt pretty similar, as he was calling or texting me almost everday. We would talk for hours at a time, and things were really fun. I've never had so much in common with any man... ever.

 

However, he and I both have emotional baggage. He's separated from his wife nearly 6 months ago (although is 100% planning to divorce he says, as the only reason that he hasn't already is that his state requires a 1-year waiting period). She cheated on him multiple times and left him. I also have emotional baggage too. I've never been married, and my last relationship was over 3 years ago... but that guy left me, and I think I still struggle with feeling abandoned over that.

 

So things between me and this new guy were going great. I was stunned that such an incredibly smart, attractive, sweet man was calling me all the time. He was so into me, and loving. I have been in dysfunctional and abusive relationships in the past, so I was amazed to find someone so healthy and gentle. Although he did tell me that he was interested in me, he said that we would be friends for now and see where things go, as both of us thought it would be best to wait until the divorce was finalized before starting a new relationship. However, after nearly a month of almost daily contact I got scared, and told him on the phone that things were going too fast between us. There was an awkward silence, and he told me that one would only think things were going too fast if they were thinking about a relationship. I was speechless and didn't know how to respond to this. In a fear response, I told him that I'd talk to him in 3 months once I had a chance to finish up some academic stuff. He said that would be fine, especially as he would be out of town for the next 1.5 month on military training.

 

A few weeks later I felt silly for running away, so I contacted him again and told him I was just scared and wanted moderation for now rather than total abstinence. I wrote him a several page email pouring out all my feelings for him (uggh). After some days, he sent me a short email back saying that we should give things a bit more time for now before getting back in touch, so that we could mentally process things. Not realizing that he had almost no access to email while he was training in the field, I felt rejected by his lack of response and wrote him a few more lengthy emails again (these emails were like 5-10 pages each, totally pouring out my feelings... telling him that I thought he was the love of my life etc). He wrote me another letter a few weeks ago telling me that he had almost no chance to even check his emails, and that my email were the only one he even responded to in the last several weeks. He told me that he didn't think we were compatible, but he still wanted to be friends. About 2 weeks later I wrote him a 3rd email (at this time my despair had transformed into a bit of anger/frustration) and told him that his avoiding me was hurting my feelings... and that he was too quick to dismiss us as not being compatible without even having asking me what I thought about things or even having met me (as email leads to a lot of misunderstandings). He wrote me back saying that he was truly sorry for hurting me, but that he really did want to be my friend and would contact me again after his divorce went through, as he realizes that he still has a lot of wounds himself from that, and needs time to heal. He also said that I shouldn't allow relationships to disturb my inner peace.

 

At that point, it had been 2 months since we had talked on the phone (at which time we were having great conversations). So since I was sick of all this email drama, I just picked up the phone and called him. When I called him, the sad thing is that he asked 'who is this?' as he didn't recognize my voice. I told him it was me, and he said that he didn't realize as he had a different phone handset. Anyways... initially he was a bit defensive, and told me he wanted me to move forward and not put him on a pedestal anymore. He told me that he is still healing from his last relationship and can't give me the kind of love I need. He told me my clingyness was making him feel very pressured, as he simply wanted to be friends for now and see where things go between us after the divorce. (The thing is that I am really not a very insecure person... I don't know what happened to me. I think I just had abandonment wounds from my last relationship that resurfaced.) I asked him why he had such a change of heart, and he told me it had to do with me saying one thing (about not contacting him for 3 months) and then doing something different (sending him several emails later). I explained that I had written in my email the reason for my change of heart (i.e. realizing that I wanted moderation instead of no contact)... and he was stunned, as in his haste, he had missed over that part in my long emails. That's why he didn't understand why I was writing him. He told me that he would have called me (during the few occasions were he had access to his phone), but since I had told him originally about not contacting one another, he was just trying to respect my wishes. As we continued chatting, he became less defensive and started warming up to me again (almost like the old guy I knew), and told me that perhaps he was too quick to say we weren't compatible, and just said that as a reaction. He told me what his biggest concerns were about us together... being that he wanted someone who belonged to his spiritual group (we both follow the path of yoga/spiritualism, but have different teachers and practices). The other issue is that he is mostly likely not planning to have kids, though I most likely would like to. I listened to his concerns, but didn't say much. We ended our 1.5 hour conversation with him telling me he would write me an email again in about a month, and wishing me 'god bless you' at the end.

[gd26]

Sorry for the long message... but I just wanted to add a few more things.

 

So from what I've learned, here is what I will do.

 

1. I will not contact him again until he contacts me.

 

2. In futher communication, I will not put him on a pedestal. I will not make any lovey-dovey comments. I will not say crap about him being the love of my life etc, nor anything sentimental like that. I will just treat him as a friend. I will only talk to him about fun things, and talk about my thoughts about life instead of my feelings... and will not make any references to the two of us, not unless he brings it up.

 

3. I will not write 5-10 page emails anymore. I will limited replies to him to a mere short paragraph or so. Even though he does tend to write fairly long emails to me (like 1-4 pages), I will still only write him short mails in response... as I do not want to put too much effort into this anymore.

 

Any other suggestions? I still really care about this man.... but I want to give him the space he needs. I'm still trying to decide if I'd be willing to be just friends, and I think I would... but I realize I can't hold out hope thinking that he'll want to be with me someday. I have already started moving on (I definitely feel a lot more centered and confident than I feel last week.... and I am 100% certain I can maintain no contact with him, unless he contacts me).

[ahhhchooo]

It sounds like you were trying to take this much too fast and he didn't have the same things in mind... unless you'd care to elaborate :/

 

You might have scared him away, how sure are you that he's going to contact you again? Did you ever meet him in real life? I think life would tend to get in the way of an online relationship in most places, LDRs hard as they are... are more difficult with someone you've never met, I guess.

[gd26]

Hi Ahhhcchoo, thanks for your reply...

 

He never said anything about a relationship in the first month, although he did casually mention that he was interested in me. It was actually kinda cute initially, as he was the one who was a tad insecure in the beginning being around me (not in a scary way, just in a sweet way). Like he'd make comments like he wasn't scared about things like life and death (as he was deployed to Iraq last year and saw death all around him), but little things like wondering if he'd say something wrong and scare me off... that was what bothered him. He also knew that I have been working out to lose weight (and he is super fit being in the military), so he'd send me pictures of him working out to motivate me saying "this is for now, until we get to work out together soon". So there were some future references. We never met though, but we exchanged pictures and emailed/called/ or texted nearly every day. He did most of the calling though. There was no committment between us, as we never even met... but we were clearly both excited about one another, and had already become friends.

 

He's never been in a LDR (except for when he was deployed to Iraq last year... though he was already married then). I've been in a few LDRs, so it isn't such a big deal for me.

 

It's possible he won't contact me again after I scared him off... although he did say he would contact me again next month (I assume just as a friend). He had told me previously that I have qualities he values that he hasn't found in anyone for the last several years, and that he's had the deeper conversations with me than anyone he's ever met (even romantic relationships), so I'm sure he'd still like to chat sometimes. I wonder if I give him space, that he may be open to a romantic relationship again someday.

[Mending1985]

Hi gd

 

I think giving it space would help right now...IMHO it sounds like you got caught up in the initial flashes like we all do, and he just wasn't there yet. Nothing against you, it sounds like he isn't ready right now.

 

I think he is open to a romantic relationship, but it sounds like he has a lot on his plate to deal with. Plus it would be better for both of you if he got the divorce stuff out of the way first.

 

Give it time, he'll figure it out for himself

[gd26]

Hi Mending... I totally agree with you about the divorce. I have never gotten involved with anyone who wasn't 100% single. It made me uncomfortable that he was still married (even though he was separated). But he told me that things were 100% over between them, as she cheated on him while he was deployed and told him that they were through.... they've been living separately for 6 months now.

 

Last week when we talked, I told him that if he and I were ever to get into a relationship, I obviously would have a hard time telling my family that I got involved with someone while he was still married... as I want to do things 'honorably'. Plus, I know that what goes around comes around... and I'd always wonder if someday we got married (and ended up separating) if he would try to pick up other women while being separated from me, rather than us trying to work out our differences during the separation period. He told me it wasn't like that, as they weren't trying to work things out during the separation... as if they could have divorced earlier this year they would have... although his state requires a 1-year separation before divorce. So it's not like he's having an affair on her, as they have mutually agreed to divorce... and are just waiting the 1-year out. I think she did ask him a few months ago if he was interested in getting back together, but he told her no.

 

As far as my comment about doing things 'honorably' he says I can't judge, because I've never been married... and have no idea about the pain he went through when he was in Iraq serving and finding out that his wife was leaving him, after being with someone else. When he came back home in summer 2007, he continued to live with her for another 6 months still trying to make things work, but things were unfixable, and they no partnership until they mutually separated with intention of divorce earlier this year. He said that it's hard for anyone to understand the pain and loneliness of the situation who hasn't gone through it personally, and that he'd be divorced already if it weren't for the 1-year separation policy.

 

Even though he can't get divorced until the early/middle of next year (2009), he says that my comment about doing things honorably has hit home... as he won't get into future relationships until he is divorced on paper. He said he will use this time to heal himself... and that he would talk to me next month. He didn't say anything about us getting together, just that we'd keep in touch. So I have no idea if the possibility of things between us are 100% over (even though he said got scared of me being clingly etc and told me he wanted me to move forward, he seemed to be keeping the door open slightly).

[Mending1985]

I think he's definitely keeping the door open romance wise. He's just taken what you've said on board, and in his own way, is showing you some respect - as much as it probably doens't feel that way!

 

And also, it's what you want too, apart from the honorable thing, you also want your man to be emotionally available and a divorce can complicate that so yeah...I'd say just wait to hear from him, and when you do, keep it light and casual, maybe a bit flirty, but ultimately, let him make the move to take things further, because you know YOU'RE ready, but he isn't just yet...

 

I had written a really in depth post before but my comp crashed and I lost it grrr

[gd26]

The guy I have been interested in wrote me a short email about an hour ago... I haven't talked to him in 12 days (since the time he told me that I was being too clingy and needed to give him space and that he would contact me after a month etc). So I did NOT initiate contact. He wrote:

 

"Life is going very well. I am keeping disciplined and focusing 100% on my goals and lifestyle! I feel super and classes are going fine. I'm caught up with my reading and the gym is going well too I think it was a good idea to stop this dating stuff - I needed this time for myself. Thanks for your support...

 

My brother has lost 15 pounds now since he quit drinking a couple of weeks ago. He is now around 230 lbs. Good job both of you.

 

I'll chat with you another time..."

 

 

Don't worry... I'm not going to go emailing/calling him or anything... he has all the space in the world. His message doesn't really provoke much of a response from me, as I don't have all that much to say. I'm glad he's doing well, but nothing more.

[Mending1985]

Yay! Good to hear you're handling it well. And kudos for strength gd

[gd26]

Thanks Mending. If his email was more personalized (like they used to be), I may have been more tempted to reply. But his short email to me was so generic, and shows little interest in me.... so I have really nothing to say in response. I'm not even sure why he wrote to me at all....

 

I don't mean to sound annoyed. He is truly a wonderful human being, and I adore him. I'm simply just trying to move on with my life...

[Mending1985]

It would be okay for you to be annoyed...I would be annoyed. I mean, I understand why he's doing it, but I'd still be annoyed

 

His email being so impersonal is probably a blessing in disguise for you.

 

Keep us updated x

[BCCA]

That email screams "string you along". I agree, he may as well have sent nothing. Thats really frustrating, I would be annoyed too.