Bad day - need some reality guys...

[Mending1985]

I've had the flu for the last 3 days so been pretty miserable.

 

Last night while lying in bed and feeling more and more depressed, I rang my ex for a little comfort etc, which i didn't get. I'd been NC for a few days too, but I lost all my rationality with the stupid sickness.

I ended up actually crying on the phone, then when he hung up I cried some more, then like an idiot later to get back on his good side, I rang him again and told him I understood it was not his responsibilty or obligation to look after me anymore and I apologised for calling him. Suffice to say, that didn't go down to well either.

 

It's just, my friends are always busy, and he is the most available person in my life, but I don't want to rely on him anymore. NC is just so hard to do when there's noone else to support you.

 

I know I should rely on myself, and find the strength to go NC within myself, but it isn't there. And getting sick was a perfect example - I ran straight to him.

 

I haven't called him this morning (normally I would've called to apologise by now) and I don't plan to. We have nothing more to talk about, and bringing it back up is just going to irritate him further, and I don't need to cry while I'm at work!

 

I'm sick of feeling so alone. This is the first time I've really been on my own and it's not as fun as I thought it would be.

 

Any replies with ANYTHING to keep my mind off this would be great

[norajane]

This is the first time I've really been on my own and it's not as fun as I thought it would be.

 

Oh, but it gets better!! :bunny:

 

That's how break-ups are a lot of times - pure suck. But it doesn't suck forever. Given time away from him, a lot of emotional processing, and more time, and you will come out of this phase, and you will feel giddy and joyful again and you will feel lucky that you get to start fresh!

 

But you have to get through this part first. And this part is hard. Really hard. There's really nothing else to do but suck it up and work through it until it's gone and you don't care anymore. The longer you continue to contact him, the longer you're delaying your healing process.

 

It's really worth it to get to the other side of the pain, so get started by detaching from him - we'll have a margarita waiting for you!

[Tripped up]

MARGARITA'S!!!!!!!

 

Sweet count me in on that!!!! We will get through it. People will see us for who we are!!!! Someone will understand what we have to give....and will not take that for granted!!!! That person will then be invited to the table that is Loveshack.org, and asked to sit next to all of us that have healed successfully(or in the process of). We will then toast with margaritas in hand to the new lives we have found.

 

All will be merry.

 

All will be well.

 

All will have margarita's.

 

All will thank loveshack.

 

All will live happily ever after!!!!

[Mending1985]

Thanks guys...those responses made me smile...I've never actually had a margarita (I'm more of a Jim Beam girl) but am looking forward to celebrating in my own little corner of the world when I get through this.

 

This site is a godsend though, I have to say. The responses are positive, as well as reading about other peoples problems and giving them advice helps take the focus off your own issues, and can also help you see your own situation in a more objective light. It's great

[Arise_Serpentor]

you shouldn't be calling your EX!

You need to get busy doing something you love! Figure that out and you'll stop trying to find happiness with others!

[gd26]

Hi Mending,

 

On past threads I was one of those people who was very strong about telling you not to contact him. I was saying so from my own painful experiences... as I know full well that the more you go behind him, the further he'll run away. And in fact, if there was any chance at all for you to get back with him... it would only be through no contact. That would be the ONLY way for him to miss you instead of him running from you. As the more you contact him, the more you are guaranteeing that he will never be yours. I personally think it is too late already after your actions... but by the repeat contact, you are basically sealing the deal.

 

However, I realize we are all at different places in life. Sometimes we have to go through things ourselves in order to learn about life. That's okay. So if you want to keep calling him... I realize nobody telling you not to is going to change your mind, as nothing anyone has written has stopped you from repeatingly contacting him.

 

If you want to keep calling him, then do so. However, just realize that at some point he will stop picking up the phone. At some point he will get tired of the drama and just not answer (or he'll change his number), or he'll have someone else pick up his phone and tell you to stop calling (which would be kinda embarrasing to you). Instead of being this desirable woman he used to love, when you call him for the 100th time after he's told you to stop.... he will just roll his eyes and curse when your call comes in and just let it go to voicemail. Right now he may be still picking up your calls, but it is only a matter of time before he completely stops. If you are unwilling to stop communication... believe me, HE WILL. I know you want him back.... but the choice is no longer yours. (I feel for you, as I've been in similar situations... even now.) By stopping contact, there is a possibility that maybe someday you and him could be at least friends... but the way you are going, I think you are shutting off that door as well.

 

This message isn't meant to be hard or mean in any way. I just want you to realize that there isn't another possibility. The more you contact, the more you scare him away... perhaps permanently. Your repetitive contacts isn't going to make him miss you or realize how madly in love with you he is. It's completely futile on your part. If you want to keep calling him.... no one can stop you from doing so (except him). Just be prepared to accept the consequences of him cutting off contact. Me personally, I'd rather have the chance to walk away with my pride without being rejected further... rather than allowing someone to keep rejecting me.

 

Thus I am no longer going to tell you not to contact him since nothing I say will matter to you. But I do think you should be willing to accept the consequences of your actions.... there is no other option here, as expecting him to fall back in love with you by your repeat calling is just a fantasy that doesn't exist.

[Mending1985]

I don't expect him to fall back in love with me...I am aware that that would only ever POSSIBLY happen with no contact for a long time.

 

I am aware of my actions, and of the consequences of them. I am aware that the more I contact him, the further away he is going to pull. I am aware of what I look like to him now.

 

All I'm saying is, it's a lot harder than I expected it to be. I'm the stereotypical addict who says "I'm not hooked, I can give it up anytime I want" and then when it comes to crunch time, they realise "Oh bugger, I am hooked...and this ain't easy".

 

I take everyone's advice on board, but at 11pm at night when I'm lying in bed and everyone else has gone to sleep and the house is quiet, and my brain starts ticking over, remembering things, it's a lot harder to remember "Don't call him".

 

It's a lot harder to just "not call" when there are tears streaming down my face.

[ahhhchooo]

Ouch, I hate to say it, but previous experiences tell me gd26 is right. I'm in the same boat as you mending. Right now I've stopped talking to my ex for anything except a pleasant chat though when we're both obviously free. The hardest thing is trying not to bring up the salvation of the relationship when it's what you're thinking about every minute of the day.

 

If you haven't picked up any new hobbies since your break up, you should - Personally I've been getting back into my running after nearly a year of neglecting it.. I was so unfit 2 weeks ago and I'm still pretty unfit, but the improvement and the endorphins released by the exercise combined with thinking about future improvement REALLY help me feel better about MYSELF without having anything to do with the relationship. The fact that there is something positive in my life emerging kind of counteracts the negative part and leaves me feeling somewhere in between

[Mending1985]

Yeah I usually cook as my little "productive" thing...I think it was just being sick really weakened the defenses I'd been building...am feeling better now.

[gd26]

Hi Mending,

 

I realize that this is so hard. Even though I've come a long way, I still struggle with trying not to be clingy in my relationships. But we all have needs that we are trying to fill. I don't know about your personal experience... but my personal experience is that I grew up in an abusive environment. I was very much loved, and my family always did nice things for me in the physical sense (such as buying me nice things, taking me to classes and activities etc). However, they never realized how much the physical and verbal abuse hurt, and how much I hated it when they would shout at one another all day. It killed my self-esteem.

 

When I was in high school, I had a huge void in my heart, as my deep needs for love were never met. Plus I never realized that I was worth more. I developed a deep infatuation with a guy in 11th grade, as he was very intelligent (and I've always been attracted to brilliant men). However, that guy was completely emotionally unavailable. We weren't together, but he knew full well that I was infatuated with him.... as I'd follow him around like a puppy. I'd sit with him in class, talk to him online, call him on the phone, come to his house etc. He basically tolerated me... though sometimes he'd make snide comments about me to my face, and would curse at me when he'd get angry. When I'd go over to his house, he'd leave me sitting by myself while he'd go have dinner by himself (and not ask me if I was hungry), and then he'd go over to sit on the computer and watch porn. He was too lazy to do his homework, so I'd often do his homework for him as I wanted him to graduate. I was completely taken forgranted and basically ignored (except for when he'd get angry and curse). At that time I knew nothing about relationships, and I thought that if you want something bad enough you should work for it... that's why I kept trying, as I thought at that time (in my ignorance) that he'd eventually be touched by how hard I tried, and would fall in love with me. Well, it never happened, and I realized that he was repulsed by me and pitied me. On his mother's birthday I even made a huge painting for her (it was beautiful), I even had it framed in mahogany wood etc. I spent many days working on it, wrapped it up in paper and left it outside their doorstep. After one argument between us, he stopped taking my calls... initially his brother would pick up the phone, but eventually the brother realized that he wasn't talking to me, and stopped picking up as well. After leaving several voicemails, I got tired of calling. The pain I went through over the next two years was horrible. Finally at the end of 12 grade, something snapped in me... and I could no longer take anymore pain. I had enough of the rejection. I knew that this wasn't supposed to be how love was. So I stopped calling him, stopped emailing him, and stopped sitting by him in class. Initially he didn't react, but within a few months, I noticed him looking at me with a bit of surprise... as he was amazed that I had suddenly let him go. No, he never came to me wanting to be my boyfriend.... but at least I had gained back a bit of dignity in his eyes. And I respected myself so much more too. Within a few months of letting him go, I met another man who would buy me roses, take me out to fancy dinners, and love to spend time with me.... I just needed to realize my own value first.

 

Anyways, it's been almost 10 years since then... but I know I don't want to go back to that again. I still struggle with being somewhat needy in relationships, but I am really making an effort to work on myself and give the other person space. I realize that I have to take care of my own needs, and can't expect someone else to fill all the gap in my life.

 

I just wanted to say that I do understand, as I've been in a similar situation years ago. I cried immensely. I knew that I was smart and beautiful, so I couldn't understand why he didn't care about me... and I started internalizing that maybe I really was unlovable. But I wasn't. He just had his own issues that had nothing to do with me.

 

As much as it is hard, the only way to get through the pain is to involve yourself with other things. If I allow myself to lay in bed all day, I'll never want to get up. So I make myself get out of the house and do things. Reading motivational books also helps. I also like listening to music as it puts me in a better frame of mind. I know the pain may seem unbearable now... but I assure you that you will start to heal... it will just take time...

[Mending1985]

Thanks gd

 

I guess I struggle with the fact that I've never been "this girl" before. I never had problems walking away once it was over, and I'm a little frustrated that I haven't been able to do that this time

 

Stupid addictive boy lol

[RogueAC]

Mending,

 

I can definitely relate to the feelings of having never been “this girl” before. I am definitely the one who moves on first. Plus, being sick is always frustrating with or without break up emotions swirling through our heads.

 

I have found that my friends are way less busy than I originally thought. Also, I have put some energy into doing things with acquaintances and/or new people (not dates-- just friends). I am less tempted to talk about the ex and more likely to just relax and have fun.

 

It will get better, 100% chance of it.

[Mending1985]

Thanks Rogue Yeah I've found myself wanting to spend more time with acquaintances who weren't really around for the breakup, because I can't talk to them about it without going into the whole story (which I can't be bothered doing anymore).

 

I'm on 1 day NC so far, and am home alone all this weekend so that will be my biggest challenge! Fingers crossed!

[seminoles84]

Thanks Rogue Yeah I've found myself wanting to spend more time with acquaintances who weren't really around for the breakup, because I can't talk to them about it without going into the whole story (which I can't be bothered doing anymore).

 

I'm on 1 day NC so far, and am home alone all this weekend so that will be my biggest challenge! Fingers crossed!

 

How old are you Mending.. if you don't mind me asking. Do you live in a big city? This will be the first holiday I haven't spent with or at least talked to my ex... I was thinking of traveling home (north FL) to visit family (I live in Tampa).. but I got some friends down here that are going ALL out this weekend.. the thought sitting home alone would kill me (even with my parents around, I'd be thinking what she's doing)! Therefor, I'm sucking it up and going out.. Beach all day, Rays games all afternoon.. and clubs all night! I imagine I'll be sober for about 10 hours (sleep) in 3 days! Is there anything to do where you live like that? I think it's important to spend time with people on holidays.. they seem to be the hardest days to deal with.

[seminoles84]

Oh.. and I'm back on 1 NC too..! she called.. to say "Hi" and talked about HER future.. (god forbid she ask anything about mine). NC is definitely the way to go because I feel horrible again! Bah humbug!

[Mending1985]

I'm 23, yeah I live in a capital city and this weekend is a big thing called Riverfire where they set off hours of fireworks off our big bridge with live music and jets etc. and it goes all the way through the night so think I may go to that with some friends...and spend Sunday recovering lol

 

My ex never calls, so I guess that'll make NC just that bit easier

[sultry33]

i can relate to all that you say and contact will push him away believe me.. i felt like running to my ex to get him back, would have done anything.. i too got ill, imune system took a hammering as i was so upset unable to eat or sleep... just cried and cried.. was physically sick when i tryed to eat.. he was my life but then he left me:sick:

 

we both never fell out of love it was just our lives was so hectic.. and he could not take it anymore..

 

after a month or so of breaking up i was texting him.. suggested meeting up.. we hugged talked everything.. he said he still loved me.. we met few times over the months but i pushed for more... eventually i said i cant do this anymore i need a bf.. i said i missed having a bf..meant i missed him;)

 

so we both went nc... 2 months of nc i contact him..

thought he ignore me, he didnt

we have since met up and more... early days but nc i believe has helped.. helped me to not be so needy/clingy.. desperate..

my life is busy too now but he is always in my head..

the hecticness.. is that a word lol is less...

 

can say i love him still and i can tell he loves me..

just please if you want to heal to get over him or want him in future go nc... it does work

 

just takes a hell of a lot of will power... i deleted his number.. that helped me.. i have it now but i only text occasionally and its usually a fun text or hows u...

 

take time to heal and keep posting it will get better:)

[seminoles84]

I'm 23 too.. fun stuff.

 

haha the only reason she called is because I text her in the morning "I know I said I wouldn't text you, but I woke up thinking of you.. oh well. Hope you are doing ok." 5 Hours later she calls.. So technically I set myself up for failure. She normally never responds to my texts. Guess I thought she would follow the same protocol.. wrong.

 

That sounds fun! I don't know what kind of festivities there are going on here other than baseball game.. I imagine there's a lot. Luckily a lot of my FSU friends live here.. and anyone who went to FSU should know how we like to party so I imagine we'll find something to get us in trouble!

[seminoles84]

deleted his number.. that helped me.. i have it now but i only text occasionally and its usually a fun text or hows u...

 

I deleted my ex's number.. but I've got a crazy photo memory.. so her number is always in my head.. I could probably remember half of my friends numbers too.. even when I only use my phone book after I put them in once! IT A CURSE I TELL YOU A DAMN CURSE!

[Mending1985]

What's FSU?

I'm in Australia so I have no idea about where you live lol

 

Yeah I know my exs number off by heart too GRRR so I actually have to rely on my willpower.

 

But hey, I quit smoking once upon a time (until I took it back up again) so I've got obviously got SOME strength

[seminoles84]

Florida State University. Silly Australians! jk!

 

Yeah.. this whole "willpower" thing is really testing me.

 

You should quit smoking! It's no good! But you're a big girls.. you know this!

[sultry33]

I deleted my ex's number.. but I've got a crazy photo memory.. so her number is always in my head.. I could probably remember half of my friends numbers too.. even when I only use my phone book after I put them in once! IT A CURSE I TELL YOU A DAMN CURSE!

lol:D

 

my son has photo memory he is autistic.. cool eh..

 

i knew his num in my head but just hitting delete worked.. he has lots of 666 an 999 in it so easy really;)

but normally once i delete someones number its like i delete them from my life... past rs i have hit delete straight away but with him i allowed him back..

like we are still not over.. never felt completly over:love:

[Mending1985]

Aww look at you with the little lovehearts

 

My ex and I were kinda like that, it never felt really over until I realised "Oh crap it really is" but he still says "Give it time and see what happens" and that I need to let go before anything could happen again etc. so yeah.

 

OH silly Australians you say?? Isn't Florida full of old people haha

[sultry33]

Aww look at you with the little lovehearts

 

My ex and I were kinda like that, it never felt really over until I realised "Oh crap it really is" but he still says "Give it time and see what happens" and that I need to let go before anything could happen again etc. so yeah.

 

OH silly Australians you say?? Isn't Florida full of old people haha

 

yea mixed messages dont really help eh..

my ex said maybe in the future if we met again it would be fate.. but 2 months later he wanted to meet me..

bugger fate lol

time will tell for us all x

[Mending1985]

Haha fate is totally overrated. But then so is patience

 

Yeah time will tell...hopefully we all get what we want!