Rink83 Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 Hi all, I'm 25 and I have a girlfriend that I love very much. I've got a serious problem though. She went to an expensive school and now she's extremely deep in debt, and I don't think I could bring myself to ever marry her. She hasn't gotten a degree yet because her grandfather passed away at the end of school and she's a credit short. It was also an English major so it's not like she'd be making a killing if she finished. If I'm not seriously trying to grow the relationship to a point when we would get married, I don't see the point of me continuing the relationship. This feels so wrong though. Should money really make this big of a difference if I'm truly in love with her? I've pasted a journal entry that may help explain? Can someone help me with advice? I would really appreciate it! Journal Entry from 8/25/08: I feel like I really need to break things off soon if I'm going to. She tells me last night how much she loves me and I say "I love you to" and turn my head back away. I don't want her to think that I don't love her, because I do! I know that she'll look at me though when I break up with her and ask how could I look her straight in the eye and tell her so often that I love her? If I decide to break up, here are my reasons: Finances/Marriage - This breaks my heart more than anything, but it's the biggest piece. I know that it's going to be just as painful of a break up for me as it is for her because this is such a "non-love" related issue! She is eyeball deep in debt and I know she's not pulling herself out at all. The idea for me to be in a relationship is to one day be married. I can't marry someone knowing that by doing so, I'm only going to throw myself in hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of her student loan dept due to the legal bindings of marriage. I just can't do it. The priest in my hometown told me (when I mentioned that we were moving in together) that if she is not marriage material, I should end things "today". Momentum will only build if I don't do it now making the breakup exponentially painful for both of us. Little things - For example, every kitchen gets extremely dirty from time to time. She gets upset on occasion about the kitchen being so un-clean and will be noisy in cleaning up to show her frustration. It's not like I don't help. I've cleaned it right up when it's horrible too. That's really not ok with me and I've tried to tell her, but she doesn't take the hint. Big things - I've asked her to go get her new drivers license when she moved in with me, to go to credit counseling, and other several other things that I consider pretty important. She doesn't listen. The credit counseling is the biggest thing really because she's not helping herself. It's almost like she wants to stay in debt. Benefits of getting out of this relationship - I can afford much more without supplying food, water, and shelter for another. I would be able to afford my new car. I should have required her to help out financially before I allowed her to move in, but I knew she had no money to offer (and she doesn't now either because of her student loan payments). Also, I'll have lots more study time and time to do things that I want to do that I feel guilty for sometimes. (Playing video games for instance, visiting friends that I'd have to travel to see, or even just go out by myself with some local friends she doesn't know). Why don't I want to break up? Job/Living - I don't want to break up for a number of reasons. My one on the top of my head is that we live in City A and her family lives in City B (200 miles away). If we break up, she can't stay with me and I really don't think she has any place to stay. She would most likely have to quit the best job she's ever had. She would have to move all of her stuff back to City B. This would probably be awkward because her mother would probably have to help her move her stuff back. She helped move her up here in the first place. Hurting her- I really don't want to hurt her. This is right up there with Job/Living actually. Although all my reasons for breaking up are very valid reasons (I think so anyway), she's been such a good friend and companion that the last thing in the world I want to do it hurt her. She doesn't deserve to be hurt Love again - Will I ever find someone to love again? If I break up with her, am I destined to be alone for my life? Will I be able to handle it? Will I go back into a state of depression?
sandrawg Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 Well, you know what they say, sometimes love just ain't enough... I can understand what you're going through, and I don't think that's so bad. Look, you know what you want, which is admirable. You want a woman who is financially responsible. You shouldn't be blamed for wanting that. Sometimes, even when we love someone, they possess character traits that aren't really compatible with our own. I think it's good that you have a longterm perspective. I think if you're always feeling uncomfortable because she's financially irresponsible, you're not doing her any favors to stay with her. She might be better off finding someone who's more accepting of that. Or maybe she'll figure things out as she matures, pay off her debt, and change her ways. I was in debt, too, when I was her age. I think I had about $5000 in credit card debt, and nothing to my name. Now I'm 41 and I'm on my way to buying my own house, have no debt except my car, and have multiple substantial retirement accounts. So, you never know. You might break up with her, she might start pulling her finances together, and maybe you guys could get back together at some point.
Treasa Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 Is it just student loan debt? I have a lot of student loan debt, but I'm very good with money and have a very high credit score. Student loan debt is a "good" kind of debt. Also, she may "only" have an English degree (as does my boyfriend), but that doesn't necessarily mean that her earning potential is limited. Break up with her if this is a dealbreaker for you, but keep in mind that she may pay off her debt, find a rocking job, and you may lose someone you truly loved.
sandrawg Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 Is it just student loan debt? I have a lot of student loan debt, but I'm very good with money and have a very high credit score. Student loan debt is a "good" kind of debt. Also, she may "only" have an English degree (as does my boyfriend), but that doesn't necessarily mean that her earning potential is limited. Break up with her if this is a dealbreaker for you, but keep in mind that she may pay off her debt, find a rocking job, and you may lose someone you truly loved. That's a good point! I was a sociology major, which is one step down from an English major-LOL! And I got into web development at an early stage and now have a lucrative career.
chacha7 Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 I don't think you should break up with her for the money reason or because she complains when the kitchen gets dirty. It might seem scary to you to see a number so large, but once she graduates, she will get a job and start making money and paying off her school bills little by little. That is an issue most people will encounter and I don't think its something to break up over. What would you have her do, not go to college? Not possible. If she is a spendaholic, that is something that can be worked on. If you get married, you can be the primary money manager to keep an eye on her spending. Maybe you are fearful of marriage in general and are looking for reasons to break it off. Personally, I don't think these reasons are enough. Good luck either way. I am going through a very recent break up as well and I know how difficult it can be to decide what is right, when nothing is "really" wrong per se, like cheating. You just must decide if you feel compatible. I would love to here your advice on my problem, check my post. Thanks and good luck again!
Author Rink83 Posted August 27, 2008 Author Posted August 27, 2008 Thanks for your replys. Something I'm also concerned about though is not everyone can even get a job even after getting a bacholers degree. In fact, I asked one close friend earlier today for advice. She also happens to be a college graduate (major in Chemistry) that found one job that didn't work out and she's now working as a Super 8 manager. She's not the kind to not try hard to find one either. Right now I feel like we're already married by the way that I've been paying for everything. I don't consider myself fearful off marriage. I would love to get married some day. I could be subsonsiously looking for reasons to break it off though... but because I have such little debt compared to many my age and I'm trying to pull ahead... Does that seem to fit chacha? I'll be sure to check your post soon. The small things would be a thing at all if things were 50/50 financially. Maybe I've changed from being a giver to being a little more conservative.
reservoirdog1 Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 Rink, I understand what you're going through. I moved in with my now-XGF almost a year ago. I broke up with her at the beginning of July. My income is considerably higher than hers. When we first moved in together, mine was just reaching the point where I was bringing in more than I needed to live, such that I could start paying down debt left over from my marriage and start building for the future. When I moved in with her, suddenly I was on the hook for most things. My rent payment more than doubled, and every month I was scraping the bottom of the barrel just waiting for my next paycheque. I looked ahead and I couldn't see an appealing future in that way. When XGF was younger, she travelled the world before she ever got married (to her now-ex-husband) and had kids. I got married at 24 and became a father at 25, and my last travel outside North America was 16 years ago. I wanted to go again... but with what money? Everything I brought in was going to pay for a partnership that was, financially, very unequal. There were a number of other reasons why I ended the relationship, but I can tell you, this was a MAJOR issue. (The things you listed under "Benefits of getting out of this relationship" were all true of my situation as well.) There's nothing wrong, or selfish, in my opinion, with having huge reservations about committing yourself to somebody who can't support themselves. There were certainly reasons to keep the relationship going, as I know there are with you. She and I had great physical attraction, a great sex life, and she's a very generous and loving person. But simply loving the person isn't enough, as another poster said. Besides which... you're young. You've got a lot of exploring and living to do before you get married.
Author Rink83 Posted September 16, 2008 Author Posted September 16, 2008 Well I sat down and had a heart to heart with her. I talked to several friends before doing this. I told her that there's so much that I still need to accomplish and pay off. I told her that if her financial situation does not shape up that I would have to leave the relationship. I told her that I would give her as long as I could to get it shapen back up. Me giving her as long as i can basically depends on if money gets too tight for us to live together comfortably.
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