lonelyandfrustrated Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 I did it. I got a job. Seven years of being home with the kids, and I landed a great position as an advertising sales rep for a local publishing company. Go, me! Anyway, I could use some advice re: anything I can do to avoid the eventual emasculation of my husband when my income meets or exceeds his own. He's been our breadwinner for years, and although he supports me returning to work, I think he was surprised (taken aback? threatened?) that I landed such a great job out of the gate. When we met, I was working in a restaurant. I made enough money to support myself, but it still wasn't much. This job I got (based entirely on my personality, I was honest about my experience) is BIG. Full benefits, guaranteed base, no overnights. Dream job. Potential to earn a lot of money. I know my husband feels accomplished from being the provider. I want him to still feel that way, while I pursue a career of my own, for my own personal feeling of accomplishment. We've never done the two-income thing. Tips? Anything besides "Just go put on your housecoat, woman, and get me a sammich!" (oh, and those who have been following along: we're doing really good right now, and I want to continue to improve. The job is my part of this, for me.)
Ronni_W Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 I did it. ... I landed a great position ... Go, me! (oh, and ...we're doing really good right now, and I want to continue to improve. The job is my part of this, for me.) GO YOU!!! Well done, Lonely :bunny: And "go the two of you", too! If you keep it in your head that he will, "eventually", feel emasculated...well, the Universe has a way of making your thoughts come true, no? I'm sure he WAS surprised...but maybe pleasantly so (instead of 'threatened' so) -- again, it's what YOU put in your own head, to which YOUR Universe will respond. And I'm guessing you are kinda surprised and taken aback, too? But what's that part that is saying there is no other possibility but for him to feel emasculated??? What's blocking you from just seeing it as his admiration and respect for this HUGE accomplishment of yours...and that he just won't continue to be amazed and awed by your future achievements, too? Whatever those parts are up to, I suspect you'll need to get a hold of them and feed them some different thoughts and perspectives IF you do not want your husband to feel emasculated. (Still 'Law of Attraction', but just in different words, really.) So...what can you do and, more importantly, what are you willing to, and GONNA do, so that Hubby can remain feeling 'top banana' REGARDLESS of size of your individual paycheques??? Perhaps your own answers to that really hold 'the secret'? (And yeah...maybe it does mean sometimes just putting on that housecoat sexy negligee and getting him his sammich! What's "wrong" with seducing a man with a good pastrami on rye???) Again, congrats!!! Very glad to hear all your good news
quankanne Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 sammich? Did someone offer to serve up sammiches? If so, you don't have to put on any fancy gear, just ladle on the M-Whip I think those couples who have problems when it comes to one spouse (often the wife) outearning the other is because of how the threatened spouse sees the situation. My suggestion is to tell him something like, "now I can help you realize our dreams more quickly because I can contribute financially, too, and I'm so excited we can do this together." when my sister retired after 30-plus years with Ma Bell, she paid off the note on the house. And her husband was VERY upset. Later, he told her it was because he felt emasculated, but she explained to him that wasn't her intent, she just wanted to ensure that when the time came for HIM to retire, he would have that one less thing to worry about. It took awhile, because he's male and he can be stubborn, but I think he finally saw it as the gift she meant it to be, and not some sneaky power play. men have fragile egos when it comes to things like that – just let him know that your actions are meant to benefit the marriage, not upstage him. and congrats on landing a job right out the gate!
Author lonelyandfrustrated Posted August 27, 2008 Author Posted August 27, 2008 I guess I got it in my head when talking to one of H's co-workers, a guy I've been friends with for longer than I've known the H. I was talking to him about my flip-out (he was on the trip with H) and my view of things and I mentioned going back to work and that I wasn't sure that H was too happy about that, and he said that it was a guy thing, that the guy likes to be the one to provide. But you're right. He hasn't actually said anything negative (other than the suggestion that I could get a job at McD's for the flexible hours, before I got this one, very funny).
quankanne Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 I imagine that once he really looks past anything that makes him feel weird, he's going to be incredibly happy for you when he realizes what a rarity you've encountered, getting that kind of job as quickly as you did after working in domestic engineering for so long. I think the really neat thing is that because you've developed your people skills as a mom, they're going to come in handy when working with potential clients. especially the impossible to please ones :laugh::laugh: "You! Time out! NOW!"
Author lonelyandfrustrated Posted August 27, 2008 Author Posted August 27, 2008 when my sister retired after 30-plus years with Ma Bell, she paid off the note on the house. And her husband was VERY upset. Later, he told her it was because he felt emasculated, but she explained to him that wasn't her intent, she just wanted to ensure that when the time came for HIM to retire, he would have that one less thing to worry about. It took awhile, because he's male and he can be stubborn, but I think he finally saw it as the gift she meant it to be, and not some sneaky power play. That's exactly the sort of thing I'm worried about. My H would also keep his mouth shut and just keep it inside, seething. I don't want him to feel like the things I can now afford to do for the family are done to 'best' him. Years ago, we talked about my eventual return to work and we planned to use my income to pay off debts and fund retirement and college. I'll talk to him about it this evening. I think if I put a large chunk of my income away for those things, he can continue funding the necessities and keep his manly position.
Ronni_W Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 I don't want him to feel like the things I can now afford to do for the family are done to 'best' him. Lonely, the problem will arise and be perpetuated by that mindset, "...the things I can now afford..." It's 'we' and 'us', in every way, every day. We and us, together forever And also, of course, no need to tell anyone else how much you are earning, all your perqs, etc. For sure, tell them how excited and proud you feel. Other than that, it's a "great job" that is "rewarding in every way." I actually always earned more than (ex)hubby, and for quite some time, more than current b/f. I never felt a need to bring it up to him or anyone else. He knew, I knew, and we both knew it didn't mean anything other than we could just have more "stuff" and do more "stuff"
angie2443 Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 Hi:). I don't have any advice but just wanted to say congatulations on the new job!
Ruby Slippers Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 You go, girl! That's awesome that you landed such a great job right away! I say wait and see how it all plays out. I think the others have made some good points. You do seem convinced already that it's going to be a problem, and the I/we point is a fair one.
quankanne Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 Years ago, we talked about my eventual return to work and we planned to use my income to pay off debts and fund retirement and college. I'll talk to him about it this evening. I think if I put a large chunk of my income away for those things, he can continue funding the necessities and keep his manly position. there ya go! Just present it to him that way, and he may likely see it as a way to achieving goals you'd set way back when! tell him that you also plan to hold back about $100 in small bills each pay period so he can dance for you :laugh: That one always breaks the ice when DH and I come into small bits of money ...
soserious1 Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 I did it. I got a job. Seven years of being home with the kids, and I landed a great position as an advertising sales rep for a local publishing company. Go, me! Anyway, I could use some advice re: anything I can do to avoid the eventual emasculation of my husband when my income meets or exceeds his own. He's been our breadwinner for years, and although he supports me returning to work, I think he was surprised (taken aback? threatened?) that I landed such a great job out of the gate. When we met, I was working in a restaurant. I made enough money to support myself, but it still wasn't much. This job I got (based entirely on my personality, I was honest about my experience) is BIG. Full benefits, guaranteed base, no overnights. Dream job. Potential to earn a lot of money. I know my husband feels accomplished from being the provider. I want him to still feel that way, while I pursue a career of my own, for my own personal feeling of accomplishment. We've never done the two-income thing. Tips? Anything besides "Just go put on your housecoat, woman, and get me a sammich!" (oh, and those who have been following along: we're doing really good right now, and I want to continue to improve. The job is my part of this, for me.) Just tell him that you really appreciate all the hard work he's put in over the years, not just in terms of the work but also of having sole responsibility to worry about and plan for your family's well being. Tell him that you are glad that now you can now step to the plate and pitch in $$$ This might also be a chance for your husband to do some of things he's always wanted to do,perhaps scale back on his hours,take some courses spend some money on a hobby. I can tell you from my experiences as sole bread winner that the most wearing aspect of the role was the constant anxiety and worry. fear in an uncertain,faultering economy, making the right investment choices, trying to provide without being controlling or becoming entitled in other aspects of our lives. Things I wanted very frequently came dead last on the list. Make it clear you understand and appreciate all that..but don't I repeate don't downplay your own good fortune, you got this great job because you've got valuable skills, never forget that.
Dark-N-Romantic Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 Lonely, congrats all around. My word of advice, don't start dreaming up issues. Something like this, you won't know what will happen until it does. Just be happy for the moment, you might be surprised to find that he may not care or believed that you are making more money than him. Now you can start making up your part after 7 years you slacker! DNR Continued blessings to you and your loved ones.
norajane Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 That's exactly the sort of thing I'm worried about. My H would also keep his mouth shut and just keep it inside, seething. I don't want him to feel like the things I can now afford to do for the family are done to 'best' him. Years ago, we talked about my eventual return to work and we planned to use my income to pay off debts and fund retirement and college. I'll talk to him about it this evening. I think if I put a large chunk of my income away for those things, he can continue funding the necessities and keep his manly position. That's an excellent idea - talk to him tonight and talk to him often, consult with him, and ask him what he thinks. Show him that you do respect his opinion and want him to figure things out WITH you. Surprising him and handing things out without discussing it with him first is what causes a lot of problems. Like buying a new [TV, refrigerator, bicycles for the kids, whatever] and not mentioning it to him until it shows up in the house. You might see that as a nice surprise gift for the family and you're excited to spend your first paycheck on the family, but he could potentially see it as you saying he wasn't a good enough provider to be able to afford them. Tell him what your thoughts are about purchases or money decision, and ask him for his thoughts as well, so he's part of the process and not on the sidelines of your decisions. And make him a part of the emotional process, too. Talk to him and tell him how nervous you are about starting work for the first time in so many years, but how excited you are, too. Once you start your job, share with him how things are going. This will be a big change for him as well as you, so also ask him how he's doing with the transition. Ask your kids, too. Your family will be undergoing a big change, so make sure you change together. Congratulations and good luck!
Mr. Lucky Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 It's not the amount, it's how you handle it. If you say it's "my" money, problems will ensue. If it's clear that it's "our" money and he has equal voice in how it's saved or spent, it shouldn't be a problem. My wife is a teacher and I make several multiples of her income. We struggled with this at one point when I got a little heavy-handed with the financial decisions. She got my attention by giving me a price list for the intimate acts that had always been a part of out marriage - straightened me out pretty quickly :-) Mr. Lucky
Author lonelyandfrustrated Posted August 28, 2008 Author Posted August 28, 2008 Thanks, all. Mr. Lucky, the funny thing about us is that I've always handled the finances for our family. He pretty much shovels $$ in the account, and I dole it out, to bills, to savings...the only financial stuff he handles is the 401k. lol, I don't know why, but now that I'll be picking up my own shovel, I feel odd about it! Like it goes against the grain of what we've always done. Something new, something that we'll have to adjust to. So far so good, though...my excitement is being met with support.
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