I just cant get over him..But I dumped him

[smiley23]

This is a long story..But I'll try and make it as short as possible I really need someone to help me in the right direction..

 

I was going out with a guy for 3 years and we where living together but I always found that he was never very kissy and never said how he felt, i dont know whether this was cause i kept pushing for it or if this was jus the way he was, I always felt like i initiated everything and the more i went on about it the more he was like jesus if i didnt want to be with you I wouldnt be and that was that,so I took that and thought yea thats true.But then he took on a job (as he is a truck driver) and was like im goin to be away 6 days a week ill be home every sat and ill be gone again on sunday, he never discussed this with me how id feel when he was gone or anything this was just what he was doing,this made me SOOO upset and when i tried to talk to him about it he was just like jesus its my job,but never saw my point that we are in a relationship if i was to take on something so big Id discuss it with him first...Anyway I was gettin more and more needy .He didnt want to go on a holiday,go to the cinema,go for walks do anything unless it was something he wanted to do, I felt like whats the point in going out with someone if they never want to do anything, I did the food shopping I paid the bills I felt like his mother and when I asked him to do anything he would be too busy..He wouldnt come to family do's and wouldnt and didnt like to interact with any of my friends everything seemed to have to be his way, it was drivin me mad but he kept saying I was tryin to change him, he came out with me one night and my friends talked to him and he basically ignored them said he had nothing in common with them.

Then I found a lump in my breast my head was all over the place, I was upset because my needs where not being fulfilled I felt like i was putting everything into the relationship and getting nothing back I loved him but was so scared of loosing him,when he said jump id jump..I just wanted him to love me and want to do things with me..

Then I met a friend a guy who was like really nice to me and I was talkin about some story and he went and bought me the book ( something the other guy never would of done) he seemed soooo thoughtful etc, one night we kissed and I was like oh ****..I moved out of the house I was living in with my boyfriend cause i thought I need to sort my head out he was like he didnt want me to move out and he would make an effort but in my head i had to go home I had kissed someone else..He said he would start making more of an effort and go out with me and my friends and go to the cinema etc..I was like i've been asking this for months..Its too late,then I found out I had breast cancer..I told my boyfriend and he was sooo upset but I said i wanted to break up...If he wanted to talk to me to talk to me..He didnt call for weeks, the time i needed him most he never told me he loved me and wanted to work things out..Too much was happening..the other guy was there for me when to the appointments wanted to be there at my every beck an call, but it wasnt him I wanted it was my now ex.. My ex came back and said a few weeks later could we work on things in time I told him that was it when its over its over...I didnt want anyone from the time i really found out until 3 months later...He found out about the other guy ...

 

Its a whole big mess...That was all in March 08 but in June 08 I went back to my ex and said I've made a huge mistake will you take me back he said noooo not after being with someone else ( i never slept with the other guy) I said jesus i need you now more than anything can u not be there for me he said yes as a friend but not as a boyfriend.. I said fair enough, we talk EVERYDAY, he rings me and I ring him we text etc, I slept with him about a month ago and in the last week I met him for tea( he offered I ran) and he came over here on sunday for a chinese ( I offered he said no on the sat and on the sun asked was i hungry)and was all cuddling , Im gettin all mixed signals and then last night i was sooooooo upset and I asked him is he sure he jus wants to be friends and he said yea... :-( I'm lost I want him back can someone PLEASE shed light on my situation... ( by the way im half way through my chemo,he never visited me in hosp in april..which i kinda dont blame him but i was in hos the week after sleepin with him and he was "too busy"..I'm now bald also) There is loads more too it but I just dont want to bore anyone please ask any questions you think :-) thanks thanks please help

[nowhereman82]

He is pulling your puppet strings. He is not giving you the commitment you want. Just wants his cake and to eat it to.

 

Sorry hun but if he can't commit after 3 years and still won't after your break, then it's time to move on.

[norajane]

I don't understand why you want to get back together with him. It sounds like you had a lot of issues for a long time before you broke up, and nothing has really changed. He's still not the guy you want him to be, and he's still not behaving in the way you want and need a man to treat you.

 

What is the point of getting back together with him? He has not changed. He is never going to be the affectionate, loving, supportive man you want.

 

You are better off not getting back together with him, in my opinion. He's not the only man out there, and he's hardly someone that you were happy with before you broke up, nor is he someone you are happy with now.

[smiley23]

Yea i know i dont know what i want i just want the love and effection we did have when we had it, ( when he felt like it) I think he just has such a control over me I've never had someone have this over me before, I think its the whole tactic of treat em mean keep em keen, I love his personality and have such a laugh with him.. I just feel sooooo lost its like ive only realised we have broken up...

 

Yea I suppose I just let things build up and build up but I just MISS him like mad.. He has said himself ohhh nothing is gonna change so why do i want him back so bad?Is it just because im sick and vunerable?Should I keep contact? I just dont know what to do, anytime i say hey wanna pop up for tea he says no its like he just contacts me when he feels like it I feel so out of control

[norajane]

So take back your control by deciding that you no longer want someone in your life that rations out affection on his terms on his timeline on his whim.

 

A break up means you are DONE. You have to make that choice and mean it, and you will feel better than you feel now being yanked around on his leash.

 

Yes, you're feeling vulnerable, and that is playing a big part. You seem to be willing to accept crumbs because you don't want to be alone. But the sooner you kick him out of your life, the stronger you will feel. You can't see it because you're in the middle of it, but he is making you feel weaker and weaker with every yank on the leash. He has no respect for you, because you aren't even respecting yourself. Don't allow anyone to treat you like this!

 

As Caliguy and others often say: don't make someone a priority who only sees you as an option.

 

If you can stay strong enough to not have any contact with him, to accept that he cannot ever be the man you need in your life, and that you are DONE, you will eventually not give a sh*t about him anymore. But if you keep contacting him and running everytime he lifts his little finger, you will stay stuck where you are right now, only it will be more and more painful for you each time.

 

Just get rid of him, like you did the cancer. He's not any better for you than your cancer was. You'll be stronger without him. Believe in yourself, and believe in your future. Expect better than this guy, stay away from people who don't treat you the you wish to be treated, and you will attract people who have more to offer than he does.

[smiley23]

Thanks Norajane :-)

 

See I was fine until about a week ago we where friends we talked and laughed everyday but I dont know what changed I dont know what made me start thinking again I miss him I want him... I think its because talking to him for an hour everyday is what gets me through the day at the moment as I'm bored out of my tree Id say if I was in work it would be a different thing as Id be busy id be able to to be in control more so..

 

See when he doesnt call Im lookin at my phone panicing etc and I know he prob isnt even thinkin about it but if i dont text him back in an hour or two he is like heyyyy why arent u contacting me...You are also right im on a leash arent I and he knows it, i have never allowed him to get over the break up or go through a break up cause he knows im on the end of the phone whenever he wants...so basically its making him feel better!!...

[bish]

I think you should be thankful he wanted to be there for you as a friend (although friends don't sleep together).

 

You kissed another guy, he didn't like it. Can't blame him for not wanting you as a gf.

 

But as long as he is there for you in hard times, maybe you should be willing to settle for that.

And learn a lesson here, don't be smoochin' on someone else other than your significant other.

[bish]

So take back your control by deciding that you no longer want someone in your life that rations out affection on his terms on his timeline on his whim.

 

He made it clear he didn't want her as a girlfriend.

[norajane]

He made it clear he didn't want her as a girlfriend.

 

Yeah, that's what he says and then he goes and cuddles with her.

[smiley23]

I think you should be thankful he wanted to be there for you as a friend (although friends don't sleep together).

 

You kissed another guy, he didn't like it. Can't blame him for not wanting you as a gf.

 

But as long as he is there for you in hard times, maybe you should be willing to settle for that.

And learn a lesson here, don't be smoochin' on someone else other than your significant other.

 

 

Thanks for that Bish but my own boyfriend "doesnt like kissing"... ( well ex now) he thinks its stupid and childish...Maybe the odd time when drunk,never hold hands etc in public that didnt bother me sooo much but the "no kissing ever" did..Even during sex and if i went to kiss him it would just be awkward..again unless drunk... He wouldnt do anything for me I know I shouldnt of kissed someone else its not something I would ever do but I was desperate for him to want me..When someone else showed me the attention i wanted I fell for it but it wasnt who i wanted it from.. Are you saying that if your girlfriend said oh i dont do effection i dont like kissing that wouldn't hurt u? He is a bloke..I have more sexual desire than him..I bet now ur thinkin i must be a minger LOL ( thats irish for a dog if you didnt know)

 

He is giving me mixed signals bish, he says he doesnt want me back etc but yet calls me everday,if i dont text him back he is like heeyyyy and sends an angry face... but everything seems to be on his terms like if i ask him for a cup of tea or a drink he ALWAYS says no.. I always say yes maybe its time i said no?.. Sunday he came up and said he really liked me and cuddled up all day on the couch with me then I said do you really want to just be friends still in a text the next day and he said yes..What am i meant to think?

Then tonight i didnt text him back and he send a hey with angry face and then i text him back he rang me and then gave out and said i had woken him and i got upset...I dont know what he wants...am i being too emotional?I dont think he knows what he wants and i dont think he did throughout the whole relationship..

[BCCA]

Even if he doesnt know what he wants exactly, hes given you all the signs that whatever it is does not include you. Part of keeping you on the hook is refusing to do anything when you want to so youll be so desperate that when he calls you agree to anything, on his terms. Hes being selfish. Dont let him have his cake and eat it too.

 

Honestly, sure you made a mistake, but you cant undo that now. All you can do is go one with your life. This guy wants nothing but to use you for as long as youll let him.

[smiley23]

Then why does he call me everyday? so that it keeps him sane do you think?

 

After he gave out to me tonight and I was upset I was like hold on its not my fault I woke u up you sent me a text sayin hey... and i feckin answered you like ..He didnt know what to say ..I was like right im going see ya.. Then he sent me a text saying "actually was only windin you up givin out...anyway ill chat to you tomorro :-)! " He wasnt tho he was deadly serious.. I didnt text him back i just thought the cheek of him given out to me for wakin him I just DONT get him.... I'm thinkin of changin my number i love him to bits and its really upsettin me but if he is just going to reject me EVERY time i say do you want to do something, or should i just not ask him to do anything and just keep it friends level...or am i just feeding what he needs to get over the breakup?I need to clear my mind...help...

[whichwayisup]

Honestly, you're putting alot of energy into your ex when that energy would be better spent into healing and getting through your treatment. If he wants to help you, let him help, but with no expectations. This could make you two grow closer and appreciate you more - But, you need to slow down and stop freakin' over this.

 

Tell him that you love him and need him but right now you need to focus on you and you only. If he wants to be around, he will, but don't push him. All that will do is make you feel worse.

 

Start relying on family and other friends to help you too.

[smiley23]

you are so right, im putting all my energy into the wrong thing,once again im thinkin of someone else and I should only be thinking of myself..All will and should work out in good time if its meant to be it will be and if not I need to get myself better I think by channelling all my energy into him im just avoiding the situation at hand really... Ill try and remember what you said when i start freakin!!... :-) Thanks..

[bish]

Yeah, that's what he says and then he goes and cuddles with her.

 

Hey, she had a choice in the matter. If he tells her he doesn't want a committment with her, then anything that happens after that was approved by her knowing the facts.

[bish]

Thanks for that Bish but my own boyfriend "doesnt like kissing"... ( well ex now) he thinks its stupid and childish...Maybe the odd time when drunk,never hold hands etc in public that didnt bother me sooo much but the "no kissing ever" did..Even during sex and if i went to kiss him it would just be awkward..again unless drunk... He wouldnt do anything for me I know I shouldnt of kissed someone else its not something I would ever do but I was desperate for him to want me..When someone else showed me the attention i wanted I fell for it but it wasnt who i wanted it from.. Are you saying that if your girlfriend said oh i dont do effection i dont like kissing that wouldn't hurt u? He is a bloke..I have more sexual desire than him..I bet now ur thinkin i must be a minger LOL ( thats irish for a dog if you didnt know)

 

He is giving me mixed signals bish, he says he doesnt want me back etc but yet calls me everday,if i dont text him back he is like heeyyyy and sends an angry face... but everything seems to be on his terms like if i ask him for a cup of tea or a drink he ALWAYS says no.. I always say yes maybe its time i said no?.. Sunday he came up and said he really liked me and cuddled up all day on the couch with me then I said do you really want to just be friends still in a text the next day and he said yes..What am i meant to think?

Then tonight i didnt text him back and he send a hey with angry face and then i text him back he rang me and then gave out and said i had woken him and i got upset...I dont know what he wants...am i being too emotional?I dont think he knows what he wants and i dont think he did throughout the whole relationship..

 

so if he is all so crappy as you say he is, why bother with him?

 

Why not move on to someone that enjoys doing what you enjoy?

[bish]

Are you saying that if your girlfriend said oh i dont do effection i dont like kissing that wouldn't hurt u?

 

She wouldn't be my girlfriend if that is the case.

[smiley23]

Thats true Bish, see im use to my boyfriends wanting to always want to be with me etc etc but you know what i think this is a case of I want what i cant have it must be ... I must be insane... LOL

 

If it was someone else saying the same thing to me Id be like you can do sooooooo much better, but he knows he has the control over me I'm sure of it...He says jump i say how high..So yest i ended up having a fight sayin look your givin me mixed signals and he said well maybe we should cut back on the talkin so no mixed signals i said that was a good idea so im not gonna contact him anymore...Its partly my own fault he treated me like pants and i let him away with it always in fear id loose him..he kept sayin he would make an effort and never did.. Then one day i got fed up and walked out...Hoping he would come back but no didnt, about two months later he did i said once we are broken up we are broken up..I was upset and he said fine...Two months later i said i made a mistake he said too late.. I just dont know,can u shed some light on my insaneness?