Prodigal Princess Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 I think he should be grateful that you are bothering to respond to his request for a second date at all. When I'm not into someone, I just do the Phantom.
JoeNewbie Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 It has nothing to do with honesty. It has to do with proper communication and empathy. Think of when you apply for a job. Do interviewers tell you they hate your suit, that your breath stinks, that they think you are too ugly for the job, that you can't communicate properly, that you couldn't land this job in your dreams? No. They say "thanks but you are not a good fit with this position". It is an honest statement without going into specifics.
vonerik012 Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 Yes Joe, But wouldn't you be better off knowing your breath stinks, your suit doesn't fit, and you have poor communication skills. You would not want that information? I would be pleasantly surprised if an interviewer was that frank, honest, and helpful. Since they don't give a **** about you, they just say bye.
JoeNewbie Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 Yes Joe, But wouldn't you be better off knowing your breath stinks, your suit doesn't fit, and you have poor communication skills. You would not want that information? I would be pleasantly surprised if an interviewer was that frank, honest, and helpful. Since they don't give a **** about you, they just say bye. Such issues are usually brought up very carefully by very close friends. And even that can be a challenge. Let's say you reject a girl because you think her breasts are too small. Well, the size of her breasts isn't the "truth", it isn't "reality". It is YOUR PERCEPTION. And oftentimes, you should keep your negative perceptions to yourself. The girl knows she has small breasts. Hell she probably has a huge complex about it. There is no point in telling her why you don't like her. Just let her go with her self esteem in decent shape so she can find someone who will appreciate her.
Author pandagirl Posted August 28, 2008 Author Posted August 28, 2008 Pointing out "negative" aspects to someone you are turning down for a date is ridiculous and cruel. Why would anyone ever do that? IMO, that's almost as bad as pointing at someone random on the street and yelling: "YOU'RE FAT!" You have nothing nice to say, don't say it at all.
Star Gazer Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 I feel bad now. A little over two years ago, I dated this guy for a brief period of time....maybe 3 dates. He had an awesome personality, we laughed and got along really well, he was attractive, successful, etc. Problem was he had this foaming at the mouth problem that REALLY turned me off. I eventually told him that I didn't see him romantically, and he pressured me to explain why...and I told him. He was really embarrassed.
JennieS Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 LOL its funny because I can get very direct with guys. I have no problem telling him whether or not I like him or don't. Guys will understand lol. Atleast most guys will.
BentSpine Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 Pointing out "negative" aspects to someone you are turning down for a date is ridiculous and cruel. Why would anyone ever do that? If you're asked and value honesty. I think using expression such as "chemistry", "spark", "I JUST don't ..." are BS because all along we know that the true reason is that we're not fond of the looks of the other person. But maybe it's my ambition to be clear and unambiguous with words that rears it's head when I say this. Also, everyone doesn't know. Everyone doesn't know if they have e.g. a bad breath, they likely have to be told to be able to do something about it. If the person asking you out cares about your well-being, doesn't that person deserve not to be lied to?
Prodigal Princess Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 be honest. As long as you're nice about it, it's good karma. Maybe someday he'll find a woman who's willing to marry him because you told him the embarrassing news that the comb-over doesn't work (or whatever) and he changed it. Who knows? Or maybe he'll be so devastated by her comments that he'll go home and kill himself. Well, that could still be good karma - she will have put him out of his misery.
rod_in_gtown Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 I think he should be grateful that you are bothering to respond to his request for a second date at all. When I'm not into someone, I just do the Phantom. Ugh... I hate that. Ignoring someone is just about the rudest thing anyone can do in my book. I put that just slightly above rapists and pedophiles.
rod_in_gtown Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 I say if you're not interested, say something vague like "I just don't think it's going to work out" and then if we ask why and ask you to be honest, just do that. tell the truth. If we didn't want to know, we wouldn't ask... we're simple like that.
vonerik012 Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 Because "i don't feel chemistry" is a lie. And an obvious one. I might have had excellent "chemistry" with her on some levels, but she was too overweight. Another girl asked me why I did not try to kiss her, and i told her it was because she had very bad breath. It was the truth. I could have said "No chemistry", and she could have wondered what was wrong with her. I like to better myself, and I am not so weak that a complete stranger will ruin me. But obviously telling a girl her breasts are too small is not a good example. I really do not care about that anyway, and that would be wrong.
lexi29 Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 Unless the guy was a total jerk on the first date or you have absolutely nothing to talk about I'd always go on a 2nd date. One of my close friends went on a date with this guy and came back from her date and said the same thing you are saying. She said they had no chemistry, he wasn't her type (she liked tall guys even though she was only 5ft and this guy was pretty short at 5'5) and said she just wasn't into him at all. He asked her out a 2nd time and she kept turning him down. She ended up going on a 2nd date (months later) and now she is married to this guy (the one she at first felt no chemistry or attraction for!!) and she is very happy. Not saying you are going to marry the guy. But its hard to tell if you click with someone after just one date.
serial muse Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 Because "i don't feel chemistry" is a lie. And an obvious one. I might have had excellent "chemistry" with her on some levels, but she was too overweight. Another girl asked me why I did not try to kiss her, and i told her it was because she had very bad breath. It was the truth. I could have said "No chemistry", and she could have wondered what was wrong with her. I like to better myself, and I am not so weak that a complete stranger will ruin me. But obviously telling a girl her breasts are too small is not a good example. I really do not care about that anyway, and that would be wrong. Huh. As Art pointed out earlier, it's not necessarily a lie, though. I'm not sure why you're so insistent that it is? From what the OP said, chemistry is actually the problem here. And personally, I've experienced this plenty of times and it's no more nor less than the simple truth. Sometimes you can't really put your finger on why you're not into somebody; you just aren't. They don't "get" you, you don't "get" them; it's not always about whether her breasts are the right size or that he spits when he talks. Sometimes you really, really just don't "feel" it. The fit just simply isn't right, and there's nothing wrong with the person. Personally, I think being honest about that is absolutely the best way to go. And most people will understand, because they've felt that way about people too. BTW, I had someone use the "ex" line on me once. Maybe I was too naive, but I completely didn't get that it was a brush-off. Sadly, I believed him. And then it confused the heck out of me, because I discovered that he was still dating about a week later - and, being clueless, I contacted him thinking it just hadn't worked out with his ex! At which point I got brushed off more directly. Ugh. That was awful. I would have vastly preferred it if he had just said he wasn't feeling it right from the get-go, so I wouldn't feel like such a danged fool about the whole thing.
Author pandagirl Posted August 28, 2008 Author Posted August 28, 2008 OK, here's what I ended up sending: It was great meeting you! I just don’t think I’m interested in pursuing anything further in terms of dating. I think you’re a great guy and, I swear, that isn’t just a line I’m giving you. If you ever want to hang out as friends, that’d be cool, but I totally understand if you don’t.
rod_in_gtown Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 OK, here's what I ended up sending: It was great meeting you! I just don’t think I’m interested in pursuing anything further in terms of dating. I think you’re a great guy and, I swear, that isn’t just a line I’m giving you. If you ever want to hang out as friends, that’d be cool, but I totally understand if you don’t. I would be fine with this.
Shygirl15 Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 Lexi29, I hope I'm not the close friend you're talking about..lol, but I also never get chemistrated on the 1st date. If I think he's okay, I try give it a shot for a 2nd date, which I could have suggested to Panda, but looks like she has already decided.
Art_Critic Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 I would be fine with this. Same here.. the friends thing might have been a little over the top since you only went on one date but if it made her feel better to say it that way then fine.. I just don’t think I’m interested in pursuing anything further in terms of dating. is the most important line.. it closed the door to romance..
Jilly Bean Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 OK, here's what I ended up sending: It was great meeting you! I just don’t think I’m interested in pursuing anything further in terms of dating. I think you’re a great guy and, I swear, that isn’t just a line I’m giving you. If you ever want to hang out as friends, that’d be cool, but I totally understand if you don’t. Ouch! PG - I think the added "let's be friends" line is cruel.
nopainnogain Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 What if he would of told you "no chemistry " after the first date. I bet you would try to get him for a second date to boost your ego lol
Author pandagirl Posted August 28, 2008 Author Posted August 28, 2008 Ouch! PG - I think the added "let's be friends" line is cruel. I really meant it in a sincere way though. We have a lot of common interests!
serial muse Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 OK, here's what I ended up sending: It was great meeting you! I just don’t think I’m interested in pursuing anything further in terms of dating. I think you’re a great guy and, I swear, that isn’t just a line I’m giving you. If you ever want to hang out as friends, that’d be cool, but I totally understand if you don’t. I like this. It's friendly and not brusque but it's firm. I'd have found it disappointing but nice.
Trialbyfire Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 pandagirl, do you really want to be friends with this guy, especially knowing that he might want more from you? Doesn't this feel like the shoe is on the other foot?
sfsassy Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 Try being honest sometime, and people actually appreciate it. Have you tried it? I can tell you, anytime I ever said things like that it went over extremely well. They were not hurt and crying, or broken. They are so used to hearing the weak "i dont feel a spark" that they are about to vomit. Jilly, that just makes you a liar, and it is easy to tell that you are lying. I wouldn't cry either, and I might even say I apreciated their honesty, because there is NO way I would be that vulnerable on a fiirst date and act like anything a guy said had a nagative impact on me. I would be hurt though. No spark is a fine reason for me. Blunt honesty just comes off as cruel especiially with something like this. I have found some dates to not be physically attractive to me. Sometimes even due to weight issues. Not place to remind them of something that may be painful. (I don't have a hard and fast rule about overweight guys, to me it is actually about chemistry. However, I tend to like thinner guys.)
sfsassy Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 Because "i don't feel chemistry" is a lie. And an obvious one. I might have had excellent "chemistry" with her on some levels, but she was too overweight. Another girl asked me why I did not try to kiss her, and i told her it was because she had very bad breath. It was the truth. I could have said "No chemistry", and she could have wondered what was wrong with her. I like to better myself, and I am not so weak that a complete stranger will ruin me. But obviously telling a girl her breasts are too small is not a good example. I really do not care about that anyway, and that would be wrong. I like to better myself too. I just don't want someone I barely know to coment on my faults. I have had breath issues, and once when we were in an established relationship, my ex gently brought it up. (It never stopped him from kissing me though.) A better solution for you is to bring gum, and mints, which I do on dates now, and ask if she would like one. My ex did that in the begining sometimes,and encouraged me to drink water as that helps breath too. He handled it very well.
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