jadedone Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 Do NOT use the the excuse of getting back with an ex. It's the morning after the date, that can't possibly be an excuse he will believe.
alphamale Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 Do you think it'd be OK to tell a white lie? Like, "My ex and I are going to try to work things out"? Or something akin to that? yes that would be fine
BentSpine Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 I've always found this works just fine: "Thank you, but I just don't see this working out." This is a great suggestion from norajane. If you do recall some positive thing he did during the first date, you could add that. But the compliment must be credible! This is NOT the time for exaggerations. Anything you say will be used to your disadvantage in the court of love. Whatever encouragement you use will be tested if it fits into the sentence: "If you think I'm so (nice, great, what have you) why do you want to part ways?" If you fail this test he will judge you a (derogative) and you had better not let his transportation business handle your collection of china.
rod_in_gtown Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 "You're a good guy, maybe we can hang out as freinds if that's cool with you." Oh how I HATE this... If I wanted to be your friend I wouldn't have asked you out on a date. I have enough friends as it is... But my official response would be: "I'd like that, let's do that some time" and right after hanging up, I'd delete her phone number.
rod_in_gtown Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 I just don't want him to think there is something wrong with HIM. So, I thought putting the reason upon something else other than him might be better... Don't protect us, we have friends and family who do that for us. We want honesty. Plain and simple, there are many fish in the sea.
flc Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 I just don't want him to think there is something wrong with HIM. So, I thought putting the reason upon something else other than him might be better... Actually you are doing this because it is more comfortable for YOU. Don't mistake this for being altruistic.
Balthazar Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 I will echo what other posters have said. Honesty is the best policy here; by being honest you make certain he will not trouble you again for dates in the future. CHeers,
rod_in_gtown Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 Tell him that you have STD. Now THAT's just wrong
vonerik012 Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 Whats wrong with being completely honest? Tell him what you did not like. I went out on a blind date, and the girl was pretty heavy.. She asked what I thought of her, etc. I told her "Well, you are too big for me".. The funny thing is she actually thanked me. That is far better, and more real than saying "I didn't feel a spark" or "I didn't feel chemistry". I think when you say the latter 2 things, you actually come off as arrogant, as you are already telling them you are not interested, and then feeling like you have to say something fake to preserve their feelings, which is easily transparent.
Art_Critic Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 Whats wrong with being completely honest? Tell him what you did not like. I went out on a blind date, and the girl was pretty heavy.. She asked what I thought of her, etc. I told her "Well, you are too big for me".. The funny thing is she actually thanked me. That is far better, and more real than saying "I didn't feel a spark" or "I didn't feel chemistry". Wouldn't it also be true to have just told her you didn't have any chemistry ?.. you didn't have any chemistry.. You were just being mean to her.. she might have thanked you but be guaranteed that you are the butt end of her dating hell stories to her friends.. Being cruel to a person who gives you their time is just plain rude and mean..
whichwayisup Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 Just say I like you and I had a good time, but I want to be honest with you...Sorry, but I feel like we're better off as friends. Or something like that..
Ruby Slippers Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 I vote honesty. I think CaliGuy's line was to the point and polite.
vonerik012 Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 AC, depends on how you look at it. People appreciate honesty, you would be surprised. She then actually told me about her weight, why she gained weight etc et, and she was genuinely not offended. She thanked me several times for being straightforward, something many are too cowardly to do. If someone takes their time to meet me I feel they are an individual, and deserve and individual reason. If I just say the overused "No chemistry" is she really happy then? Then she might just be wondering what is wrong with her, when everyone tells her the same thing. I am not so arrogant as to believe I MUST preserve their feelings, as I am the center of the universe, so I must let them down gently. They will grow, learn, and actually did not waste their time just to here "Sorry no spark, bye"
Art_Critic Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 AC, depends on how you look at it. It does.. and you were actually there with her and you said she spoke about it so maybe it wasn't so bad.. Can I ask you why you did say it though ?..Even saying the no chemistry line is telling the truth... chances were that she wasn't going to act favorably and you got lucky that she was open and honest and in a good place about it.. If you purposely just tell people the truth knowing that it will hurt their feelings then you aren't being genuine.. you would be just being a jerk..
almost famous Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 I agree, that is terrible. I went out on a date with someone I didn't find attractive, it's not like I'm going to tell him he's not attractive. Someone needs to teach Vonerik matters. Preserving others' feelings is not a bad thing. Wouldn't it also be true to have just told her you didn't have any chemistry ?.. you didn't have any chemistry.. You were just being mean to her.. she might have thanked you but be guaranteed that you are the butt end of her dating hell stories to her friends.. Being cruel to a person who gives you their time is just plain rude and mean..
vonerik012 Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 If you ask me, telling as girl "Sorry, no chemistry" is more likely to give her a complex. What if she hears this over and over. Then she is wondering what is wrong with her, and comes here to post.. It's not to be mean at all. It was completely honest. It was helpful. If I told her "I don't feel chemistry" she might wonder if she is ugly, boring, comes off as unintelligent, was rude, too forward, not forward enough, something she said, etc. Saying the very vague "I don't feel a spark" preserves feelings? So then she can ponder what was wrong with her, and maybe think the worst? Obviously she knows she is overweight, so she is logically relieved that was the reason. Something she can fix to have more success in the future.
CaliGuy Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 If you ask me, telling as girl "Sorry, no chemistry" is more likely to give her a complex. What if she hears this over and over. Then she is wondering what is wrong with her, and comes here to post.. I am sure she has a pretty good idea why.... It's not to be mean at all. It was completely honest. It was helpful. If I told her "I don't feel chemistry" she might wonder if she is ugly, boring, comes off as unintelligent, was rude, too forward, not forward enough, something she said, etc. There's honest and then there's downright mean. Honest is "There's no chemistry." Mean is "You're overweight".... Saying the very vague "I don't feel a spark" preserves feelings? So then she can ponder what was wrong with her, and maybe think the worst? Obviously she knows she is overweight, so she is logically relieved that was the reason. Something she can fix to have more success in the future. She knows what is wrong. She doesn't need someone to point it out to her. She needs to be let down gently. That's all that Art is trying to say. Have some consideration for her feelings, the same way you would want someone to let you down gently. At least, that is how most people think. Maybe it's just me.
JoeNewbie Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 If you ask me, telling as girl "Sorry, no chemistry" is more likely to give her a complex. What if she hears this over and over. Then she is wondering what is wrong with her, and comes here to post.. It's not to be mean at all. It was completely honest. It was helpful. If I told her "I don't feel chemistry" she might wonder if she is ugly, boring, comes off as unintelligent, was rude, too forward, not forward enough, something she said, etc. Saying the very vague "I don't feel a spark" preserves feelings? So then she can ponder what was wrong with her, and maybe think the worst? Obviously she knows she is overweight, so she is logically relieved that was the reason. Something she can fix to have more success in the future. I completely disagree with this.
JoeNewbie Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 I am sure she has a pretty good idea why.... There's honest and then there's downright mean. Honest is "There's no chemistry." Mean is "You're overweight".... She knows what is wrong. She doesn't need someone to point it out to her. She needs to be let down gently. That's all that Art is trying to say. Have some consideration for her feelings, the same way you would want someone to let you down gently. At least, that is how most people think. Maybe it's just me. I totally agree with this.
vonerik012 Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 Cali, so if you went on 5 dates , you would rather hear "Sorry there is no chemistry" than a more specific reason that might help you in the future? You would be crushed to hear the truth?
almost famous Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 So if you call a woman after what you think is a good date, and she says "I'm sorry, you're fugly" that is OK with you? If you ask me, telling as girl "Sorry, no chemistry" is more likely to give her a complex. What if she hears this over and over. Then she is wondering what is wrong with her, and comes here to post.. It's not to be mean at all. It was completely honest. It was helpful. If I told her "I don't feel chemistry" she might wonder if she is ugly, boring, comes off as unintelligent, was rude, too forward, not forward enough, something she said, etc. Saying the very vague "I don't feel a spark" preserves feelings? So then she can ponder what was wrong with her, and maybe think the worst? Obviously she knows she is overweight, so she is logically relieved that was the reason. Something she can fix to have more success in the future.
JoeNewbie Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 Someone you might view as "heavy" might be "just about right" for somebody else. Weight, just like any other criteria, can be important for some and less important for others. A mature and confident person will accept "this is not going to work out" as an explanation and leave it at that. There is no point in being more specific. People who really want to find out why they got turned down are desperate. When things don't work out, just move on and find someone else who's a better fit.
Jilly Bean Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 There's honest and then there's downright mean. Honest is "There's no chemistry." Mean is "You're overweight".... At least, that is how most people think. Maybe it's just me. No, it's not just you. MOST people try to be compassionate and spare someone's feelings. Not everyone hates women and tries to make them cry at every opportunity... PG - I say it here ALL the time - my best, and favorite, dismissal tool is to tell a guy that I got back together with an ex. That way you can let him down gently, tell him how you wish you met at a different time, even! lol. It let's you build him up a bit and comment on his good qualities (even if you have to invent some), still let him go, but allow him to NOT feel like he was inadequate in some way.
vonerik012 Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 Try being honest sometime, and people actually appreciate it. Have you tried it? I can tell you, anytime I ever said things like that it went over extremely well. They were not hurt and crying, or broken. They are so used to hearing the weak "i dont feel a spark" that they are about to vomit. Jilly, that just makes you a liar, and it is easy to tell that you are lying.
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