How long before you realized what you lost??

[A CHICK WITH TEETH]

Hey all...I was just wondering how long it was before it really hits them that they lost someone they love? A week?? Two weeks??3 months???

I know we all go through stages of denial, thinking that they aren't "that'

serious about leaving. Or they will be back. How long does it take before

it REALLY hits them??

 

How long did it take before your ex came wanting you back?

Not just to chit chat, but to really want you back??? What was yur reaction?

 

I have noticed reading these boards a LOT of guys are wanting their ex'es back.

Probably more than the women. It seems guys have a delayed reaction to breakups

and take longer to come around,whereas women tend to deal with things right away

and get over it. I know this is not ALL men or women...but on these boards it seems more the rule than the exception.

[Nevermind]

Usually, the ones who quit are the ones who have done a lot of thinking before that. They came to the conclusion that the relationship isn't giving them what they need and move on. That is why the quitter usually has an easier time.

 

Coping and moving on is all about not waiting for them to come back. And imho, while many exes do contact each other after some period of time, very few actually get back together.

 

From this coping section I can just recall Tabatha, who never really broke up with her ex, and the angry guy called y, who has the most dysfunctional relationship I've ever heard of.

 

(My apologies if I am missing others.)

[foxh1234]

My ex cheated on me and left me 5 months ago. After 4 months she begged me on numerous occasions to take her back. Recently she has been sending me letters begging for another chance. My answer the first time she asked and the last time was always the same. No chance in hell. I am the exception more than the rule as most dumpers never come back and want to try again. I really wish mine had not tried either as it has caused me more pain and sleepless nights. Telling the person that you love more than any other person in the world to go away and never contact you again, is the hardest thing I have ever done. I just cannot be with someone who cheated on me and threw away our future for sex with another guy.

 

My advice to you is not to even think about whether or not they will come back or want to try again. It is not going to help you to think this way. Consider it over until your ex shows you otherwise. heal yourself and move on and start to live your life again. Good Luck

[sunshinegirl]

My ex ex came back after two years wanting to get back together.

 

By then, I was "meh" about it...I had long since moved on.

[CaliGuy]

Hey all...I was just wondering how long it was before it really hits them that they lost someone they love? A week?? Two weeks??3 months???

 

More often than not, never.

 

I know we all go through stages of denial, thinking that they aren't "that'

serious about leaving. Or they will be back. How long does it take before

it REALLY hits them??

 

Once again, maybe never. Men are more likely to come back than women. That said, I have never wanted someone back that I have dumped and only once have I wanted someone back that dumped me.

 

How long did it take before your ex came wanting you back?

Not just to chit chat, but to really want you back??? What was yur reaction?

 

Like I said, if I dumped them, I don't want them back. And if they dump me well, only once have I really wanted her back.

 

I have noticed reading these boards a LOT of guys are wanting their ex'es back.

Probably more than the women. It seems guys have a delayed reaction to breakups

and take longer to come around,whereas women tend to deal with things right away

and get over it. I know this is not ALL men or women...but on these boards it seems more the rule than the exception.

 

I would say it's about equal. In most cases I would say that men who dump women are more likely to come back than women who dump men (thus that is why it seems there are more men wanting their ex's back than women). Women have a larger support group. They tend to distance themselves emotionally before actually breaking off the relationship. By the time they do the deed, they have already moved on mentally.

 

Men on the other hand tend to be much more "spur of the moment" when it comes to breakups. It's no guarantee they will come back but I would guess the odds are higher when the man does the dumping than when a woman does.

[carhill]

How long before you realized what you lost??

Never. I've always known what I've had and made a conscious, deeply introspective decision to give it up. Never a regret, never a look back once that decision was made.

 

That's why I've been in MC for a year. I'm making that decision, once again, painfully and slowly and taking a hard look at myself in the process. I think that's a healthy perspective.

[sedgwick]

Mine left totally out of the blue 13 months ago and has yet to come back. Doesn't even seem to want to know me anymore. I thought everything was great up until the second he walked out the door. Thought it was the happiest, healthiest, best relationship I'd ever had, with my favorite person in the world. He's long gone. I have no idea what I did, have been killing myself for a year trying to figure it out, but whatever it was it was enough for him to want to cut me completely out of his life.

[Ingenue]

I don't think that most dumpers feel their decisions are mistakes. We all choose various actions at particular times in our lives because the circumstances at those moments are ripe for those decisions.

 

I doubt that my ex would ever come to believe that dumping me was a regret if he lived the rest of his life contented. It was a good decision on his part undertaken by him because he needed something more. I think regrets are often afterthoughts, the what ifs that people cling to and feel nostalgic about when their lives are at an impasse. A yearning of rosier times past.

 

As a dumpee, I've come to understand how counterproductive and unhealthy it is thinking that my ex will regret his decision. And every moment I spend analysing the situation and holding onto hope, is one less moment I have to live my life. If my ex loved me, he'd be with me right now. If in the future, he ever comes to realise what he's lost, it's no longer my concern because I hope I will have moved on. I think that's what we all have to do, live our lives in the present, not worrying about the future or the past.

[flosslight]

My ex-fiance dumped me last November and he kinda said he wanted me back. We had been trying to be friends, but it was really hard. When we were hanging out together, we touched each other more than we should. No kissing or anything but just more than you would with a friend. But I was not completely over the break up and every time I mentioned it, he would get this look in his eyes that he would never go back there. I cried every time we hung out. I realized I had to stop being stupid.

 

I drew away for a few weeks and then just told him that we needed to not hang out for a good long time. We only saw each other about once a month but it was still too much. I'm still stupid so I said we could hang out one time before I leave the country for a long trip. During that offer, he said he still loved me. He had not said that in a very long time and it was really hard to hear. He said he wanted to get back and I said I could not. It hurt really bad. He later said he could never see himself marrying me so I'm sure I made the right choice, but it started upthe getting back together machine.

 

It was slightly good for my ego and it gave me understanding when he told me no previously, but I rather it had not happen. I liked thinking I could never go back and that he would never be weak. Now I have to be strong and not go back to something that was close to being the right relationship but was not.

[MalachiX]

I've seen one relationship which really sums up to me the dangers of waiting for an EX to come back. One of my best friends has been with a girl for 3 1/2 years. A girl who was actually a friend of mine who I kind of set him up with. They've broken up three times (that I know of) over the relationship. The first was for a day, the second for three days, the most recent for several weeks.

 

The last is the one that makes me the most concerned for my friends. He dumped her (I'm not sure how the others happened) because he felt he needed to be alone and focus on his career and his goals. I also think the fact that she is amazingly needy (she's a friend of mine and I love her but it's true) was probably a big factor. Finally, he told another friend and indicated as much to me that he doesn't love her in the same way he once did and isn't sure that she's "the one." This last bit is the most damaging since he was always VERY comfortiable in his relationship (kept telling me to try to make it work when mine was crumbling).

 

Like I said, they got back together but it seems clear on his part that it was out of lonliness and not being strong enough to keep seperate. When I saw them last, I could see that she was clinging to him more than ever out of insecurity in the relationship and he always seemed really un-nerved by this. I don't think they are going to last and I think it's a bad thing for both of them. I think she won't him go because he's been a source of strength to her for the last several years and the first guy who treated her well in a long time (her previous BF was a total ass which was a big part of why I set her up with my friend). I think he can't let go because he still cares for her a lot and it's just damn hard to be single. I think he knows the relationship really isn't working but I don't think she's ready or willing to admit that to herself. I'm not judging either person. I love both these people and honestly was their biggest supporter but my last visit with them makes me think they both need to move on.

 

As for me, I've only been in one serious relationship in my life. It was the only one where we said "I love you" and it lasted 2 1/2 years.

 

There had been numerous times over the course of the relationship where one of us would want to break up and she would either talk me out of it or I would talk her out of it. Towards the end, it felt like it was always me trying to talk her out of it. We'd also have mini break-ups for a day or two.

 

The relationship ended about six months ago. I was in a very low point in my life and, when she decided she wanted to break up, I asked her honestly, "will this make you happy?" and she said yes. I didn't fight it. Three days later, she called me and seemed to want to reconcile but I honestly didn't know how to fix things. She actually seemed really hurt and angry; made me feel like I was dumping her now; but I honestly couldn't see how I could make it work (especially in the miserable state I was in). We talked for about two weeks after before she suddenly cut contact and I didn't try to pursue it any further. To this day, I'm really not sure how she felt over those last two weeks. Perhaps she just kept in contact with me (and acted sweet) because she was worried about how down I was and was waiting to cut contact until I seemed better. Perhaps she expected that if I felt better, I'd find a way to fix things and, upon realizing I couldn't/wouldn't; decided to stop calling. I really don't know. It felt especially bad since I both felt like I got dumped and I'd dumped her. In the end though, I don't analyze or really think about it. I knew I couldn't fix things and moved on with my life. I'm sure she's done the same and I really hope she's happy. I know I'm still not 100% over her or the whole relationship so I don't check her Facebook page or ask about her but I know that I get better each day, I'm no longer sad or depressed, and that one day I will be over it all. To be honest, I'm just glad I managed to pull myself out of the worst depression of my life (it already was along those lines BEFORE we broke up) and I'm still standing and looking forward to the future.

 

Now, what I think is interesting about this situation is that we both wanted the other one back super fast over the course of the beak-up. No one came groveling but she started texted me back saying, "I miss you" after three days and I certainly had many moments where I thought, "if only I could figure out a way to fix this, I wish I could have her back." We both had moments of weekness in the first few weeks but I think we both realized that the relationship had stopped being healthy and we don't contact each other because we know we may well fall back into the old trap. That's true on my end and I'm guessing that's true on hers as well (I think I know her pretty well). I really wish we had ended on better terms and so often I'd like to just write her and tell her how much see meant to me and how grateful I was that she tried so hard in the relationship. Ultimatly however, I know well enough that doing so would not be good for me and most likely not good for her.

 

I my split as an example because most of the time when one person wants the other back, it's in a relationship which has big troubles working but both have real trouble letting go. I've known a number of couples who would break up then get back together out of neccesity. I like to think my EX and I got back together because we loved each other a lot even though we didn't quite work together. Maybe I'm just being sentimental and perhaps it was just too hard for us to be alone.

[Trialbyfire]

Regardless if they want you back, second chances rarely work. Most often the same reasons that didn't work in the first place, come back to haunt you the second time around, whether it's right away, in two months, in a year.

 

Really take a good, hard look at what caused the issues the first time. If they were trivial, a breakup in anger at the spur of the moment, there might be a chance. If the problems were of a greater compatibility issue, maybe it's time to let go and move on.

 

My question to you is, regardless of which one of you exited the relationship, if the reasons were trivial, why aren't you going after him, for reconciliation? Worse case scenario is that he'll refuse and you can move on with some finality. The longer you wait, the less likely the recon.