Author Bells Posted August 29, 2008 Author Posted August 29, 2008 IME and IMO, friends just don't have the same investment and same expectations of each other that people in relationships (by that I mean romantic relationships) do. I know from personal experience that friendships can go on for years and certain "layers of the onion" never get peeled back because the level of intimacy is different. I'm speaking from a male perspective here. Women generally don't share with men "friends" (the platonic ones) the way they do with their girlfriends. The different level of intimacy is very true, I would take it a step further and say that things about another person that wouldn't matter at all in a friendship can suddenly become incredibly important in a relationship, I think with a relationship you're letting someone else inside your soul, especially when sex is involved. I definitely agree, when I think of the close female friends that I do have, I would not hesitate to say I love them even if I know we probably wouldn't work out romantically. I typically have lost touch with female friends, ty pically once they got married. Even attempting to be freinds of the opposite eventually fades once they get married.
carhill Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 IME, territorial males were the reason for discontinuity. The women, rightly, put their husbands before their male friends. I understood. I did similarly when I got married. In hindsight, I think that was an error (my giving up my female friends), but one lives and learns. I think, with the support system which friends provide, one can weather challenges in a healthier way. Anyway, hopefully I can find/rebuild such friendships going forward.
Author Bells Posted August 29, 2008 Author Posted August 29, 2008 IME, territorial males were the reason for discontinuity. The women, rightly, put their husbands before their male friends. I understood. I did similarly when I got married. In hindsight, I think that was an error (my giving up my female friends), but one lives and learns. I think, with the support system which friends provide, one can weather challenges in a healthier way. Anyway, hopefully I can find/rebuild such friendships going forward. Actually, friendships with members of the opposite sex that fade away, as far as I'm concern, are the natural order of things. Of course, if I happen to bump into them out in public somewhere I'd chat with them for a bit, then carry on with the rest of my day. But like they say, people are friends for a reason, season or a lifetime. :-) I remember I was pretty good friends with a female friend....I used to call her at her place and chat or IM with her online, she lived locally, then she asked me to stop, because her boyfriend moved in with her. I understood, no biggie....it wouldn't be respectable.
carhill Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 Would you say that with a same-sex friend? Say, one of your buddies got married and your friendship "faded away" due to his marriage? If yes, then that's a sign of continuity in your perspective. In my case, I saw same sex friendships continue, but opposite friend ones dissolve, strictly due to the appearance of another man on the scene, either a live-in boyfriend or husband. I'm not saying that's "wrong", but the dynamic bears scrutiny. The women's female friendships continued unabated. For the record, my wife always has and continues to have friendships with males, both socially and in business. I think that's healthy and have always encouraged it. Perhaps an odd perspective, but I'm known for my oddity
Author Bells Posted August 29, 2008 Author Posted August 29, 2008 Would you say that with a same-sex friend? Say, one of your buddies got married and your friendship "faded away" due to his marriage? If yes, then that's a sign of continuity in your perspective. In my case, I saw same sex friendships continue, but opposite friend ones dissolve, strictly due to the appearance of another man on the scene, either a live-in boyfriend or husband. I'm not saying that's "wrong", but the dynamic bears scrutiny. The women's female friendships continued unabated. For the record, my wife always has and continues to have friendships with males, both socially and in business. I think that's healthy and have always encouraged it. Perhaps an odd perspective, but I'm known for my oddity Actually,...to be honest...my friendships with my male married friends....we dont' stay in touch hardly at all. I have this one male friend, got a hair up his butt about something, and just stopped returning my calls. We were suppose to meet at an Authors booksigning, and I kept calling him, but he never returned my call....I figure dhe got busy.....he NEVER called back..not even a week later or amonth later...NIL they day we were suppose to meet......was the day our friendship went kibosh I think he had a wife that was always henpecking him. Sometimes I'd suggest doing something on Fri night to see a movie at a movie theater...and he'd always say, "I have tosee if the wife wants to do osmething that night" Of course, she always had something going on with the wife. From my experience, in my area...once people got married, they mostly focused on each other...and once they had kids...forget it! LOL Maybe its becuase they live in a smaller area?
carhill Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 IME, and perhaps I'm a bit older (near 50), is that good men don't throw their male friends under the bus in favor of their wives. They have the maturity to balance friendships and marriage and their wives respect that. The lesser men (and I can include myself amongst that bunch for a number of years) give in to their wives and conduct their friendships on her approval. I can tell you firsthand that's one good way to lose the respect of one's wife. Don't confuse that with like/love. It's a really fine nuance. She may not like it or love you for it, but she will learn to respect your singularity, just like you respect hers with her female friends (and male friends). MC has helped me find a more healthy perspective on this dynamic. I can say, to the extent I've practiced it, that being clear with a woman about one's romantic intentions bears risks, but the alternative of being in the perpetual and frustrating friend-zone is not something I ever wish to bear again. My time and love are too valuable for that.
Green Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 First off its very simple. Some guys will aproach a girl as a friend when they really wanted to have a romantic relationship. While this is a good way to go you always have to keep in mind the romantic transition you want to make and be willing to say FU to the friendship for a chance at that romantic relationship. The romantic relationship is much harder to get to so of course guys get stuck in the friendzone... its actualy best just to make the relationship romantic right from the start that way you don't waste any time your either rejected or its on. Some guy said flirt, well I say touch... be the kind of friend where people are already thinking you have a relationship becuase they can see the sexual tension. And this my friends is spoken from a man who has only heard about this thing called the friend zone and never been stuck in it because I either ruined the friendship or took it to the next level!
Pyro Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 Yeah that was cool, like, in high school. After your mid 20s, "making out" just doesn't generate the.. uh.. same excitement as it once did. Nope, gotta be sex, baby, gotta be sex. To get a second date, that is. Well if you want that second date, I advise you to at least pay for her dinner and take her somewhere other than the soup plantation.
Author Bells Posted August 30, 2008 Author Posted August 30, 2008 Yeah that was cool, like, in high school. After your mid 20s, "making out" just doesn't generate the.. uh.. same excitement as it once did. Nope, gotta be sex, baby, gotta be sex. To get a second date, that is. Sorry, I don't buy it.
Pyro Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 I never take anyone to soup plantation. I have a little wine place near me where I take 'em. The last 5 women I've taken there have been in bed with me within 4 hours of meeting them. Well of course. If you have them by hourly rate, time is of upmost importance.
Author Bells Posted August 30, 2008 Author Posted August 30, 2008 I never take anyone to soup plantation. I have a little wine place near me where I take 'em. The last 5 women I've taken there have been in bed with me within 4 hours of meeting them. Sorry, dont buy it either lol
Pyro Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 Man it's easy to lie on the net. lol I admire his self esteem though.
monkey00 Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 I think nowadays certain individuals mix hanging out/chilling as dates. While some actually find the two to be completely separate. I don't know what happened but sometime earlier this year I started using the 'hanging out' word to refer to dates...it's just become second nature for me that I use it so often without realizing how casual I make it seem. As for friends first VS friends zone, I have a few experiences I can speak from when I was younger and inexperienced. It is true, there are some girls that prefer to go the friends first route before jumping at each other in lust. I can think of 2 instances in the past where this occurred with girls I met on campus. Though the situation always stinks because you misinterpret it and believe you've fallen into the dreaded zone, when it wasn't the case at all. I'm a firm believer that action speaks louder than words. If a girl says one thing such as 'friends first'. But in the past if she's literally jumped at guys while hardly knowing them...then it doesn't buy much integrity for 'friends first' does it? So my take is...friends first or friends zone..sometimes you'll just never know!
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